Author suzanne2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 That pretty much sums it up. It sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 In that case, I hate to say it, but the only possible thing that could happen, is happening. Unless he recognises his issues, he will never get past this. The awful paradox is that because he's a narcissist (assumption, I know, but bear with me here) he is under the impression that he's absolutely fine and in control. So why on earth would anyone think he needs counselling/therapy anyway? His life is going to have to take an absolutely huge knock for him to realise there is something far deeper going on here than just a marriage coming to an end.....He's going to have to be hit with the emotional equivalent of a demolition ball, before he finally thinks:- "hang on....." He is major work. This is so far gone it's impossible to see which way up it is, let alone how it all began. At the risk of being callous, trust me, he's actually done you a major favour here. If you had ended up staying with him, he could have completely destroyed any self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect you've ever had. A friend of mine was married to a narcissist with ADD and OCD! She was utterly torn to shreds when eventually, she managed to summon up the final vestiges of strength she had and get shot of him. 18 years, it took her to accept that he was never gong to 'get it'. I think you've gotten off lightly. Sorry, but I think you may look back on this with nothing but relief, in time. Link to post Share on other sites
steveraves Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I tend to think it is more depression than narcissism, however it could be who knows many symptoms of mental illness cross over. He may also be dealing with a lot of anxiety. So only a professional could make either diagnosis. The drinking isn't helping as that is a depressant so it's not going to do anything for his mood, and only going to make him depressed. If everything was fine before before December and didn't change until after what happened with his job. I would guess depression/anxiety over narcissism. A narcissism personality disorder should've been noticed prior to what occurred in December. These are all guesses and assumptions and until he's willing to see someone, there's no way to be certain. I think you said in an earlier post that he isn't open to counciling. Until he's willing to do that there isn't much you can do. If it's depression/anxiety that can be treated usually fairly easy with medication. Narcissism is a personality disorder, not so easy to treat for various reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 If he wants it done that's the bottom line...he in a polite way kicked you out...made a schedule to not deal with and doesn't want to do anything to make it work...that's it...as much as it hurts you there's nothing you can do other than to move on with your life...why waste time and money on counseling ...he doesn't want it and he doesn't want you...usually there are red flagsa along the way...the most common one is sex...it dies down or it becomes a chore on his end or just plain and simple non-existant Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I know none of us are trying to diagnose, but his emotional detachment reminded me of Borderline. His reaction is not normal within a marriage unless he's having an affair. Does your gut tell you that this isn't about another woman? Either way, the only thing you can do is step away and take care of yourself. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 Thank you all for your encouragement. It really helps. I am back home today (he is working). My gut doesn't tell me that there is another woman, but then again my gut told me to marry this fool, so maybe my gut is not the most relaiable . I was clearing out some of my things, trying to start packing and I noticed three cards for me in the garbage. One was from his sister for my birthday, one for from his niece for my birthday and one was from his sister for our anniversary. All unopened in the trash. He aslo left a manilla envelope on the kitchen table with all of the cards that I ever gave him, our marriage license and some pictures of us together. Why not just throw those out also? In my heart, I know that this is the best thing but I love him. It been a week that we have been separated and we have not spoken for 5 days. I am just amazed that someone could just turn it off like that we no remorse, guilt or regret. I'm just still very hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 People deal with grief in different ways. Some people just shut down to avoid the emotional upheaval with the stress and pain that follows. I tend to be like that. Maybe it's more that I would prefer to be like that. It seems better to deal with grief and saddness a little at a time, over a period of time than to have a huge, emotional blow out with all that follows. He may be holding back his emotions for good reasons, trying to make the process less painful/stressful for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 Could be. I just don't know anymore. I know that I am in the beginning stages of packing my stuff. My apartment is not going to be ready until the 15th so I am just packing non essentials, but at least the process has begun. I have not cried once so far and have been at this for about two hours now. I haven't even wanted to cry. That has to tell me somthing, right? I would just love to be a fly on the wall when he comes home tomorrow and a lot of my things are packed. I also wonder if he spoke with an attorney and started this whole actual divorce process. He is going on a ski trip the week I move into my apartment with his father and he will tell him then and then let his father tell his mother and sister beacuse he is too chicken sh*& to tell them himself. I just have to decide what to do because I am 98% sure that his mother will call me when she finds out. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Sometimes people are just done. I don't know the whole story but for a man to walk out like this there had to be some serious issues that were bothering him. He probably sees eventual divorce down the road anyway so why not get out right now and save himself the drama. All you can really do right now is move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 That is what I am attempting to do. I know that this is the right thing, but that does not make it any easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 .....I noticed three cards for me in the garbage. One was from his sister for my birthday, one for from his niece for my birthday and one was from his sister for our anniversary. All unopened in the trash. .... our marriage license and some pictures of us together. He had absolutely no right or authority to dispose of your birthday cards, they were not his property, and even legally, i think he might have crossed the line. But that is a classic symptom of the narcissist. they reperesent you, they're not his. you're being "trash-canned2 and so they can be too. he doesn't want you, and he doesn't want you to have them. I'd be so tempted to dispose of something of his, in the trash.....! Keep the marriage licence. This is a legal document. I love the pictures together. he doesn't want you around, but he wants you to have memories of you with him.... tear them up and drop them on the floor. .....I just have to decide what to do because I am 98% sure that his mother will call me when she finds out. So what? Decide what? Just tell her the truth. Tell her how bewildered you are, how out-of-the-blue this has been, how sudden and how final. How shocked you are, how astonished and how removed you are. tell her he refused to consider counselling, and why, and tell her that he would broach no argument or discussion with you. And tell her, if you want to, that you think he has narcissistic tendencies. but this bit is up to you. And as has been said, we don't do diagnoses on her, that would have to be done professionally. But jeesh.... it so fits...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 It is just so fu&*ed up. I went out with some friends tonight to a super bowl party at a local bar. I got hit on by two guys, one a total wierdo (figures) but one was totally cool and normal. Both said what "is your husband a total idiot?" I just don't get it, everybody wants me but him. It just totally sucks!!! I also got two roses from the one that was not the wierdo. It was nice to hear that I'm attractive and wanted, but what am I supposed to do with these flowers now? I can't just leave them out for him to see. Also, do I go out with this guy when he calls. I just don't want to take out my frustation on a nice guy who doesn't deserve it. WTF? I am so not good at this. I am just really sad and missing my marriage and my husband right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 It is just so fu&*ed up. I went out with some friends tonight to a super bowl party at a local bar. I got hit on by two guys, one a total wierdo (figures) but one was totally cool and normal. Both said what "is your husband a total idiot?" I just don't get it, everybody wants me but him. It just totally sucks!!! I also got two roses from the one that was not the wierdo. It was nice to hear that I'm attractive and wanted, but what am I supposed to do with these flowers now? I can't just leave them out for him to see. Also, do I go out with this guy when he calls. I just don't want to take out my frustation on a nice guy who doesn't deserve it. WTF? I am so not good at this. I am just really sad and missing my marriage and my husband right now. You know what? He's the one who has decided it's over. He's the one who has told you to leave. He's the one who has oblitterated you from his life. He's the one who gave you the marraige certificate. He's the one who has organised schedules so you two don't meet. he's the one who has basically given you very strong signals that as far as he's cvoncerned, this marriage is non-existent. So put the flowers in your room, in a vase and enjoy them. date and be single again. It's his choice. His consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 I have to say that I am soooo happy that I found this site. I can talk to my friends, but it is nice to hear from other people who are going through the same issues at the same time. I know that I should move on and be single again, but its hard. I really do feel better when I am not in the house. I think that I will be okay once I am totally out and in my own space. I am just so grateful that I am the one leaving the house. I just don't want to live there will all the memories. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 {{hugs}} I'm going through something similar. It's painful, especially when you still love that person and don't want a divorce. The best advise I can give you is to put yourself out there. Force yourself to go out with your friends. My husband filed on Saturday. My sister heard and insisted that I join her in Las Vegas for a girls weekend. I literally cried the whole flight out there. But once there, they made me forget about it and I think it was the most cathartic thing I could have done. Albeit short termed, I made so many friends due to being alone and having to interact with others. Again, and as you stated about feeling better getting out of the house, keep going out and be with those who care about you and want you to feel better. Like someone else said...he made his choice and you can't do anything to change his mind. Consider that a blessing that at least he isn't keeping you in limbo and you know what direction you must take. Good Luck:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 I have to say that I am soooo happy that I found this site. I can talk to my friends, but it is nice to hear from other people who are going through the same issues at the same time. I know that I should move on and be single again, but its hard. I really do feel better when I am not in the house. I think that I will be okay once I am totally out and in my own space. I am just so grateful that I am the one leaving the house. I just don't want to live there will all the memories. Suzanne---I feel for you. It's one of the worse nightmares you can imagine. How can your spouse be so callous? I see that your first post was 1-29-09. Is it safe to say this is month 1 for you? Probably just a week or two? If that's the case I know where you are mentally. I can identify. This will get better for you but it will take time. One thing you should do is pick a path first. Want him back? Go full force on trying to get him back (go to marriage builders for helpful tips and do as much research you can on winning back your spouse). Or, are you completely done? If so, go full force and stay NC. The trick is to know where you want to go. If you teeter back and forth and aren't sure what you want, it will only delay the healing and you'll drive yourself mad in the process. Pick a path. Committ 100% to that path and you will be a survivor before you know it. You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 His hostility shown by throwing away your birthday cards, presenting you with the marriage license in that manner, and purposely scheduling his life so that he doesn't interact with you seems to say that he suspects you of infidelity and his mind has been set atwirl. Also, the fact that he has taken this time to go away on a ski vacation with his father tells me that he is seeking the moral support of family to get through this but doesn't want you to know what he knows. The question that begs, therefore, is are there any instances in your past where you may have been involved emotionally or physically with another man during the course of your relationship that your husband could've recently found out about? Also, have there been any instances where you may have been innocently caught in a compromising position with another man during recent months? Last, but not least, has your husband shown insecurities about your commitment to the relationship in the past by demonstrating jealousy or possesiveness? Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 There has been no cheating on my part and there has never been any reason for him to think that. I don't know why he is acting the way that he is. He is actually in the other room as I type. I have not seen him or spoken to him since last Tuesday. Tonight is technically his night to be in the house, but it is raining and I didn't feel like driving 25 minutes away to stay with my friend. This is my house too, at least until the 15th. I know that he is pissed, but I don't care. I stopped and got an alarm clock and sheets and i made up the bed in the spare room. I will sleep there.When I came in I said hello to him and he said hello back, but nothing else was said between us since and he probably will not say anything else to me tonight. I am amazingly calm. I thought that I would be a nervous wreck, but I'm not. I guess that is a good sign. As far as the ski trip...he goes every year. This is not new, it just happens to be the same time as all this is happening as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 Well he is in his office with the door closed and the tv on, but I can still hear that he is on the phone but I don't know who he is talking to. Maybe he does have a girlfriend. That would be really f'ed up if he was talking to a girl on the phone while I am right in the next room and he won't even talk to me. I am a little bother by this. God - I can't wait to get out of here. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Well he is in his office with the door closed and the tv on, but I can still hear that he is on the phone but I don't know who he is talking to. Maybe he does have a girlfriend. That would be really f'ed up if he was talking to a girl on the phone while I am right in the next room and he won't even talk to me. I am a little bother by this. God - I can't wait to get out of here. Good. Right attitude! The thing you must do for yourself, is to really take care of you. In whichever way necessary. Physically, emotionally psychologically. Show him that this is something you can deal with. Show him that you are emotionally far more mature than he is, and show him that you can rise above it. Have you told your family? Are your freinds informed? Are you sure he hasn't told his family? Is there any real reason why you shouldn't, if you wanted to...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 Well thank God that is over with. The first night that we have been in the same house since we split. I slept okay as well, which was a little bit of a surprise to me. He really seems as though he hates me. I don't understand that. I was pleasant to him when I came in and even said good night when I was walking bak from the bathroom after brushing my teeth. He is not as emotionally detached as I am and I can't figure out why. He should be fine. I did not try to speak with him last night. I kept to myself the entire night. I am giving him exactly what he wants, why the hostility? My family and friends know. I don't know that he hasn't told gis family, but he probably has not knowing him. He will tell his Dad on the ski trip and let her tell his mother. Sometimes I do want to call her, but I think he will see that as me trying to get her on my side and I don't want to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
darttag Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 this is from someone on the other side, i was married for 24 and 3/4 years, superb life style, everything i wanted nd more, 2 great kids(21 and 24) and I had lost my parents, a few other issues i may go into another day....but I just had to get out, i ran and drove anywhere just to get away. Are you interested in the rest?? I knew that we were having some issues, but never in my wildest imagination did I think that he would ask for a divorce. He had some issues at work in the beginning of December and ever since that day, he was just a totally different person. He was just miserable. I tried talking to him, but he would just say he was fine and that there was nothing wrong. Finally on Saturday, I could not take it anymore and told him that if we were going to make our marriage work that he would have to talk to me and he said then he guessed that I had better leave. What??? I tried talking to him, he just says that he is unhappy and he in unwilling to try to work things out. He wants me out of the house by the 15th. It was his house before we married so me leaving is understandable. I have since found an apartment that I will be moving into on the 15th, but I really don't want this. I really want to try to save my marriage. He has stopped speaking with me all together, and has set up a schedule of when I will stay in the house and when he will stay in the house until the 15th so that we don’t have to see each other. He also stated that he will be speaking with an attorney at his first available moment. I just don't know what happened. He kissed me goodbye, said he loved me and went to the gym on Saturday morning and then by Saturday afternoon he is not happy and wants a divorce. What do I do now?[/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 yes...any insight into his behavior would be greatly appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Here's my insight. He's either mentally ill or he's having an affair. No one just comes home and demands a divorce after having a bad day at the office. My bet is on affair. Do some snooping and see what you find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 My bet is on mentally ill. We both know the same people and I think that I would have heard something. Also, there is no physical evidence that I can find. Either he is really good or he is not having an affair. At this point and with his total withdrawal and crap attitude, I don't think that he would go to all that much trouble to hide it, but hey I could be wrong... Link to post Share on other sites
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