I'm Dumb-founded

[pelicanpreacher]

Nah, not right now! Give her a call in May to invite her to the Jazz festival!

[suzanne2009]

PP - you always have the best advice

[Geishawhelk]

No leave it be.

You've done your bit.

 

If they call you back, all well and good.

But really?

At the end of the day, they're family, and you're out of it.

He's a pileofshi-t.

let them deal with his crappola.

[stillshocked]

She says that she wants to "get to the bottom of this". I think I already got to the bottom when I married her son, but kept that to myself. She somehow thinks that she and her husband can fix this. I don't think so. quote]

 

I insisted that my wife tell her Mom what was going on or that I would. She called her Mom who drive 5 hours to try to talk her out of this seperation to know avail. My wife later accused me of turning her Mom (and her best friend) against her because they didn't agree with what she was doing and thought that she was throwing the marriage away.

 

Suzanne, I am not great at giving advice as I am 'new' to this as well, but hang in there and look after yourself. You have done everything you can, so don't feel quilty about what happened, and you can go on with your life, mend you heart, and still have your 'inner peace'.

[suzanne2009]

That is what my inner voice was telling me to do. I really did not want to talk to her again. There is nothing more to say. I said all that I have to and now I am done. He is out of town until next Monday, so I will probably not be getting any divorce papers until after that. I really cannot have this done fast enough.

[TrustInYourself]

Keep the parents out of it. They just make you look weak. Even if they have the best of intentions, it's just going to backfire on you. Communicate with them, if you feel comfortable, but eventually they are going to side with their child's happiness, whatever that child deems that to be.

[suzanne2009]

I am feeling really bad today. I don't know if it is because he is coming back from his trip with his father today which means that his next step is probably getting divorce papers ready or what. I was doing okay for a few days, but today I just feel like crap Really sad and lonley.

[Geishawhelk]

hey, you always knew it would be a bit like this - up and down, up and down.

You have to focus.

Focus that now he has his family's input to contend with, and I hope it makes him uncomfortable and puts him on the spot.

He's told his dad, and his mum knows too.

This 'other woman' will come under scrutiny, and I don't for one moment believe he's going to have a completely easy ride - especially as he probably told your dad something completely different to what you told his mum.....

 

In time, this will all blow over.

He'll get on with his life, until the next time he messes somebody else's life up - and you will gradually move on, and be content....

 

But right now, you're in a 'down' moment.

I'm sorry this is happening.

I'm sorry you feel sad and lonely, but I promise you, it will get better.

[suzanne2009]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I know that there will be days when I feel horrible. It just sucks when those days actually happen. I just thought that my life was going to be one way and now it is sooo totally different. I keep trying to tell myslef that this is a blessing in disguise. That I am better off without someone like him, but I still miss him sooo much. I know that it has only been 29 days and only 10 days of NC and that it is still early on in my healing process, but I just want the process to hurry up!!!

[Geishawhelk]

Write this out and pin it up:

 

"Dear God, Give me Patience.

But fer chrissakes, hurry up!"

 

You can help yourself to heal by telling yourself that this is where your real life takes off.

You are unfettered by anyone or anything.

You are your own mistress, and the only person you now have to answer to, is you.

He seems to have gotten himself a new and unsuspecting victim....

 

He won't be happy, you know....

He's got all the family crap to deal with, too...

 

You?

 

Look on the bright side....

You can go out to dinner with whomever, and whenever you want.

You can go on holiday wherever you want, and you can wear whatever you want.

Get up, go to bed..... the lot.

All your choice.....

Not answerable to anyone else at all...

Free agent.

 

 

Do you have an extra room?

I'm thinking of joining you!!

[suzanne2009]

Geisha: You are right and the freedom that comes along with getting walked out on is one of its redeeming qualtities. I know that tomorrow is a new day and will bring endless possibilities. I just need to get through today in order to get to tomorrow. Thanks again. I'm sure this will not be my last "bad" day.

[Sands_of_time]

Suzanne--I don't know what it is but I feel quite empathetic toward you/your situation. Maybe I feel his way because your situation/posts seem to mimic my thoughts and feelings very closely. You are just 1 month into this. If I could fast forward for you I would because I know how incredibly painful it is during those first couple of months.

 

The first 60 days are the toughest. In fact they are just godd*mn brutal if I do say so myself. BUT....

 

You will eventually TURN A CORNER. You probably won't know it right away when you hit it but you'll eventually realize that you did. My first "big" corner was around Day 65.

 

I still cry occasionally but it's usually a single tear--maybe two (I'm almost 4 months parolled). But they quickly dissipate. Are you still going to feel bad after 3-4 months? Probably, yes. But Geisha's got it right--it's up and down, up and down.

 

Remember this for the next one you meet: May all your ups and downs be between the sheets.

[suzanne2009]

Well then I have 36 days to go...wow it seems like such a long way away!! I'm glad you're doing good Sands...I'm realy pulling for you. All of my friends say that I need to just find a rebound guy to take my mind off things and I have had a few offers, but I just can't get into it. Every time I talk to another guy I am constantly reminded of HIM!!! I wish that I could do a memory erase and go back to the day before I met him, when my life made sense I know that that would not solve anything and 6 months from now I will be greatful for the experience, but right now I just want all memory of him and us obliterated

[Sands_of_time]

I hear that! They say that does help temporarily. After almost 4 months I know I'm not ready but I made a date for tonight anyway. I am not 100% into it but I want to at least try this and see how I feel. Who knows...maybe it will give me a different perspective. I will let you know how it goes and hopefully it will give you some insight for the next couple of months for you.

 

I want to throw up right now...lol.

[suzanne2009]

So Sands...how did it go? You are sooo adorable. Any girl would be lucky to be able to spend time with you. I went out last night as well and had a fairly good time. I am trying to be as honest as possible, but you know people always think that they can change you. So, are you having a second date?

[Sands_of_time]

So Sands...how did it go? You are sooo adorable. Any girl would be lucky to be able to spend time with you. I went out last night as well and had a fairly good time. I am trying to be as honest as possible, but you know people always think that they can change you. So, are you having a second date?

 

Suzanne--thanks for the compliment. Back at you!

 

Did you have a date??! Good for you! Some might disagree with this/our choice but I have to tell you that after walking away from the train wreck I think it's OK to be bad for a little while.

 

I sh*t my pants pretty much all day (lol) yesterday before the date and then as soon as we met all those uncomfortable feelings went away. It kind of felt like riding a bike...you never really forget how, you know? I liked the feeling I got last night (she was cute and had a good personality, too). Got a text from her about 30 minutes after we said goodbye saying she had a great time. No hurry, though so we'll see.

 

Keep me posted. Are you dating? If so, let me/us know how it's going. Your thoughts and experiences are helping others!

[suzanne2009]

I don't know if I would call it dating...I am really just having dinner and drinks with people. The term dating kind of freaks me out a little so I try not to use it I hear you when you talk about all the nervous energy that you get before hanging out with someone new, but I have to say that I kind of like the nervous energy. To tell you the truth I was kind of shocked at all of the "offers" that I have had. It seems that there were quite a few "secret admirers" out there that I was unaware of just waiting for my STBXH screw up. The attention is nice, but I am in no place to start anything. I will keep you posted and you do the same.

[Sands_of_time]

Coolio.

 

You are doing well--keep it up.

[Geishawhelk]

I don't know if I would call it dating...I am really just having dinner and drinks with people. The term dating kind of freaks me out a little so I try not to use it I hear you when you talk about all the nervous energy that you get before hanging out with someone new, but I have to say that I kind of like the nervous energy. To tell you the truth I was kind of shocked at all of the "offers" that I have had. It seems that there were quite a few "secret admirers" out there that I was unaware of just waiting for my STBXH screw up. The attention is nice, but I am in no place to start anything. I will keep you posted and you do the same.

 

Forgive me for pouring a damper on things (but I think you are far too sensible to need it, actually..... anyway)

 

Many many years ago - and we are talking many - I made the foolish mistake of marrying very young, to a "wrong 'un"... he was a petty criminal, and inspite of the fact that we came form different social backgrounds, I naively believed I could change him....no dice.

He committed a crime, got caught, and went down.

 

I was suddenly paid a lot of visits - and compliments - from a few of our mutual male friends - who I subsequently discovered were out to screw me, because I was alone, vulnerable and available.

So under the pretext of being kind and comforting - they were looking for an easy lay!!

 

Fortunately one of his kinder and more gracious friends warned them all off. Quietly, but effectively.

And he wasn't looking for a good time himself, I might add...

He was definitely committed and spoken for by a lovely young lady....

 

Just a pointer, although it sounds as if you honestly don't need it.

[suzanne2009]

Thanks Geisha, I always appreciate your concern and your responses. I know that most of them have an agenda, but I figure as long as I know that then I am okay. With that being said...it seems that I can hold an "American Idol" like competition when I am ready for "just a lay" as well... it is always good to have options and a little healthy competition never hurt anyone.

[suzanne2009]

Okay...now this is wierd (at least I think so...) His mother called me tonight to give me an "update". Basically she told me that he still has not told his parents yet. Is that not just wired? She told his father last Tuesday night when I called her and he spent 8 days and nights skiing with his father. His father (already knowing) tried to ask leading questions all week, but my STBXH said NOTHING!!!!! WTF?

[Geishawhelk]

Classic, Classic, CLASSIC Avoidance!

 

He has the perfect 'son' image. he's a narcissist - why would he say anything to tarnish his image in the eyes of his parents??

They must think he's wonderful, their lovely son, why would he ruin it?

If he said anything, he'd have to explain, justify and put fault on you, because of course, it couldn't be his fault.

But what could he say about you, to put him in a better light?

 

Nothing.

So - say nothing.

[Trimmer]

Okay...now this is wierd (at least I think so...) His mother called me tonight to give me an "update". Basically she told me that he still has not told his parents yet. Is that not just wired? She told his father last Tuesday night when I called her and he spent 8 days and nights skiing with his father. His father (already knowing) tried to ask leading questions all week, but my STBXH said NOTHING!!!!! WTF?

Weird, yes, but perhaps not totally surprising. Look at how he has dealt with whatever marriage problems he perceives he has: he has withdrawn, isolated himself, and frozen out the person who is supposedly his closest partner in the world (you.) In that context, I suppose it's not a huge surprise that he's not reaching out and pouring his heart out to others in his family...

 

But still weird, yes.

[Geishawhelk]

I think his dad needs to stop pussyfooting and say to him directly: "Haven't you got some serious news you'd like to share with us? Or are you going back to <insert your name here>.....?"

 

See....here's a thing.....

 

I actually think he may even have been secretly counting on you to break it to them....

[suzanne2009]

Well, she sounded generally concerned with his behavior. Everything he had done and the way he has behaved through this entire thing has been a little out of character for him. They are going to confront him. She told me that they are going to tell him that she called me and I said someting thinking that they knew because he told me he was going to tell them last week. I think that he just doesn't have an justifiable answer to "what happened?" He just doesn't want to have to tell them the truth. He is going to be pissed that I said something. I really don't think that he thought I would speak with them. Why would I? They are pissed that he hasn't told them yet. I guess as a parent I would be too. What did he think they would never find out? At some point they would visit us or we would visit them and then what - oh by the way... It just really screwed up. Anyway, I told her that he is not the person that I married two years ago and he is definatley not the person that I met 3 years ago. She agreed.