I'm Dumb-founded

[Mz. Pixie]

People in affairs act mentally ill. I should know, I had one.

 

I was a 37 year old mother of two, sunday school teacher- in church every week. Everyone we knew thought we had the dream marriage. WRONG.

 

I was the last person anyone would ever think would have an affair, yet I did.

 

I'm just saying if I were you I'd do some snooping. Check his cell phone records- find out if he's been texting someone other than you repeatedly. Check his emails. If he's not doing anything after you snoop then what have you lost? A little time???

[PWSX3]

My bet is on mentally ill. We both know the same people and I think that I would have heard something. Also, there is no physical evidence that I can find. Either he is really good or he is not having an affair. At this point and with his total withdrawal and crap attitude, I don't think that he would go to all that much trouble to hide it, but hey I could be wrong...

I had an affair with a friend of both me & the stbxw & I hid it really well. When you are in the affair it is like a drug, you don't care how it hurts the other person, you just want to be happy & that is what is making you happy at the time.

 

Depends on if you want the marriage to work. If you don't who cares if he is having an affair, just move on.

[suzanne2009]

I would like the marriage to work, but I cannot do it alone. He has to want it to work also and he clearly does not.. I just have to find thet strength to move on. I know that I have it and every once in a while it actually comes through. Thanks for all the encouragement.

[briteyes]

hey you i am sorry for what you r going through!! But when a person is done they are done!! he sounds done!!! the way you know is no emotion!! stone faced and cold as hell!! When he has no respect left you have lost! it is a very unsettleing feeling to live with a complete stranger which is what you have !! my guess is there is someone else with evidence or without!@! men just dont get up in say hey today looks like a good day to end my life as i know it and start over!! trust me!! they always need a push!! pick your self up and keep whats left of your pride and deignety!! if you act a fool that just makes a man feel more validated!!

[shazam]

If he is having an affair, and who knows but all the signs are there, it would be really important to expose it and get it out in the open. That way he cannot blame it on something else and he will have to deal with the guilt that he chose to cheat. I agree with others, you should try to find out as much as you can. You deserve answers

[suzanne2009]

Well I now think that everyone is right. I have stayed in the hosue with him now for two nights and both nights, he went into his office closed the door and got on his cell phone for about a half hour. I checked his cell phone after he went to sleep and he had cleared out the call log. There is nothing in his e-mail and there were no weird text messages from anyone, but the cleared call log says it all. That explains a lot. I don't know if this started before or after he told me he wanted a divorce, but that doesn't matter. He is probably being such an ********* to me because he is consumed by guilt. He is just a big, fat ugly, cheating liar. Good luck to this one, because if he can do it to me he can do it to her.

[LakesideDream]

It seems that this is the way it usually goes. One or the other partner goes out of the marriage looking for love and affection. Your husband may just not be the kind of man who is willing to try to hide his cheating. In his mind he may think he's being more ethical by refusing to communicate rather than lying. Unusal, not unheard of.

 

There are silver linings in your life. One, I haven't read about children, I assume there are none. You have only been "married" two years, and there probably isn't much co-mingled property to seperate. And as you have pointed out you are young and attractive. There are hundreds here on this board who would trade their positions for yours, be sure of that.

 

With only two years invested I really can't see much point in trying to salvage your relationship, if that is still a thought. I say "go forth and seek happiness"... You have a long and possibly happy life ahead.

[suzanne2009]

Thank you for your encouragement. No there are no children and legally it should be a very cut and dry divorce. Now thinking that there is another woman involved, I would think that he would have spoken to an attorney and I would have heard something about divorce papers by now, but nothing - wierd. Also, I don't understand why he felt like he had to lie to me when I asked if there was someone else. I agreed with him on the divorce and told him that I would support his decision and not give him a hard time and that it would probably be easier for me if there was someone else, then at least I could understand - still he denied. Also, the hostility - what is that all about? I am not being a bitch actually I am being quite the opposite. Why don't people realize that the feelings that are felt in the beginning of the relationship are not what you are going to feel forever. Eventually real life sets in and the day to day comes into play. What you are feeling with this new person will get old as well. I know that he will live to regret his decision and I will be fine.

[climbergirl]

Thank you for your encouragement. No there are no children and legally it should be a very cut and dry divorce. Now thinking that there is another woman involved, I would think that he would have spoken to an attorney and I would have heard something about divorce papers by now, but nothing - wierd. Also, I don't understand why he felt like he had to lie to me when I asked if there was someone else. I agreed with him on the divorce and told him that I would support his decision and not give him a hard time and that it would probably be easier for me if there was someone else, then at least I could understand - still he denied. Also, the hostility - what is that all about? I am not being a bitch actually I am being quite the opposite. Why don't people realize that the feelings that are felt in the beginning of the relationship are not what you are going to feel forever. Eventually real life sets in and the day to day comes into play. What you are feeling with this new person will get old as well. I know that he will live to regret his decision and I will be fine.

 

 

Hostility if unwarranted is to just to assuage his guilt for whatever reason. He gets hostile=you react=justification on his part. That's my guess.

 

I'm not sure I agree with the latter part, but it doesn't really matter at this point. That thinking will just keep you at ground zero.

 

Do what you have to do to not be in limbo.

[suzanne2009]

I am doing what I can. I will be moving into my apartment on the 15th. I asked if there was any way that I could start moving on the 13th and they are going to let me know. Worst case I have 11 days of this left. He works shift schedule so three of these days he will not be home all night and three days I have plans with friends and will spend the night at their houses. That leaves 5 days. If I can move in on the 13th, then that leaves 3 days. I can handle that. Once I am out of this house, I will be fine. I can't wait.

[Sands_of_time]

Also, the hostility - what is that all about? I am not being a bitch actually I am being quite the opposite.

 

Suzanne--it's a playbook they use. I've read 100 threads and it's the same everytime. They are projecting their anger onto you so they don't have to face themself. I had the same question and the title of my thread is..."why is the WS the one who is angry?" It's hard to understand at first!

 

Mine did/is still doing the same thing. Anytime I don't agree with her on something I'm being rude and uncooperative. Prepare for the fact that the anger in him probably won't dissipate for a while.

 

Here's one trick to help you through his anger bouts: No matter how angry he gets or how hurtful his words are you have to STAY CALM. When you stay calm it diffuses the anger to a manageable level. Don't go below the belt when he goes there. Stay calm.

 

Hang in there...

[suzanne2009]

I am trying to stay calm and detached. Last night could not have played out better if I had planned it. I was planning on going to dinner with a girlfriend and staying at her house. I wanted to get home, feed the cats and get clothes for the next two days (he works Sat night) so I wanted to have enough stuff to stay away until Sat. I didn't think that he would be home when I got there but he was (figures). We have seasons tickets to the opera (something that I enjoy) and last week I asked him if I could have the tickets for the 5th and he said that he wanted them because he was going. I didn't argue I just said okay. When I walked in last night he was in the shower and yells to me that I can have the tickets to the opera if I want. I wanted to scream at him every obsenitiy that I could think of, but just took a deep breath and said very sweetly "Oh, sorry I already made other plans. But thanks for asking". Then I started doing my thing. He gets out of the shower and goes into the bedroom to get dressed. I was in the room next to him. Them my phone rings and it is another friend calling to say that her and her husband have dinner reservations for 7 and she is running really late. In my sweetest, there is a guy on the phone with me right now voice I said "Don't worry there is plenty of time, reservations are not unitl 7" and then continued to talk for a liitle while on that thread. I then really started running around like I was in a hurry. He said to me "running late" I said "no, i have time reservations are not until 7". A little while goes by and I said "your cat got outside yesterday and I let her back in" He said "yeah, I wonder how she liked that" I looked right at him and said "Well you know everyone needs a little adventure in their lives". I then greabbed my stuff and said see ya and walked out the door. It was perfect!!! Why is he all of a sudden talking to me? Two days of utter disdain and now he's my best friend WTF? I was not hostile, mean, or needy. I was sweet as pie, but I know that he was thinking...where is she going and who is she going with? Good...

[Sands_of_time]

I am trying to stay calm and detached. Last night could not have played out better if I had planned it. I was planning on going to dinner with a girlfriend and staying at her house. I wanted to get home, feed the cats and get clothes for the next two days (he works Sat night) so I wanted to have enough stuff to stay away until Sat. I didn't think that he would be home when I got there but he was (figures). We have seasons tickets to the opera (something that I enjoy) and last week I asked him if I could have the tickets for the 5th and he said that he wanted them because he was going. I didn't argue I just said okay. When I walked in last night he was in the shower and yells to me that I can have the tickets to the opera if I want. I wanted to scream at him every obsenitiy that I could think of, but just took a deep breath and said very sweetly "Oh, sorry I already made other plans. But thanks for asking". Then I started doing my thing. He gets out of the shower and goes into the bedroom to get dressed. I was in the room next to him. Them my phone rings and it is another friend calling to say that her and her husband have dinner reservations for 7 and she is running really late. In my sweetest, there is a guy on the phone with me right now voice I said "Don't worry there is plenty of time, reservations are not unitl 7" and then continued to talk for a liitle while on that thread. I then really started running around like I was in a hurry. He said to me "running late" I said "no, i have time reservations are not until 7". A little while goes by and I said "your cat got outside yesterday and I let her back in" He said "yeah, I wonder how she liked that" I looked right at him and said "Well you know everyone needs a little adventure in their lives". I then greabbed my stuff and said see ya and walked out the door. It was perfect!!! Why is he all of a sudden talking to me? Two days of utter disdain and now he's my best friend WTF? I was not hostile, mean, or needy. I was sweet as pie, but I know that he was thinking...where is she going and who is she going with? Good...

 

Perfect. Keep doing things for YOU.

 

I'm not sure on this--do you want your marriage to work?

[Geishawhelk]

I predict he's going to be acting a bit differently now.

He thought he held all the cards and had you on a back foot.

Now he sees it ain't so.

 

 

Sands, I know the question isn't aimed at me - but if you were asking me, I'd say - "I did...... But now, I'm not so sure."

[suzanne2009]

I still do want my marriage to work, but I refuse to beg him to talk to me. How are things with you?

[suzanne2009]

So Geisha is this a good thing? Do you think that I am proceeding the way that I should? I would really love to have a heart to heart with him and see if we can work this out, but I don't want to appear needy or winey. HELP!!!

[Sands_of_time]

I still do want my marriage to work, but I refuse to beg him to talk to me. How are things with you?

 

Good for you - S.

 

Absolutely do not beg him. It will push him further away because it puts you in a less powerful position. It's not an attractive quality to beg so I am glad you are seeing that. Good for you!

 

Play confident without being OVERLY confident. It will come off as fake if you are too happy go lucky.

 

If you have made up your mind 100% that you want your marriage to work then start taking action immediately. The more time that goes by the harder it's going to be to recover. I remember reading a post back when I first started my journey in November 2008. One gentlemen said, "You need a 100 yard hail mary pass to put it back together if you haven't taken the necessary steps after about 4 months. I am at the 4 month mark and I know exactly what he means. Get going immediately if you want to make the attempt to save it. Give it your all, whichever route you take.

 

Check out Plan A and Plan B on marriagebuilders.com. It's an uphill battle to put it back together but these plans are the best I've seen.

 

Stay strong...

[Geishawhelk]

I'll be honest with you.

he's been trying to call all the shots, but now, having seen you appear so confident and unshaken, I think it might have taken him a bit by surprise.....

 

I would say nothing to him, but not make yourself unavailable, if he wants to talk.

But I think you played it absolutely on the button.

 

Continue with your plans to move out, as if it's a given.... which actually it is, at the moment.

The fact that you've demonstrated how well you're coping, and that you're not falling apart is probably puzzling him right now.

It's highly likely this is not what he expected at all.

 

The ball is in his court.

But should he make the approach about having second thoughts, you demand absolute honesty (has he been seeing someone else? You definitely have a right to demand the truth, here!) and you insist on counselling.

He's not getting away with this scott-free.....

 

I think I gave the impression that I'm going through the same thing.

I'm not...that wasn't my intention, and I apologise for wording my post so ambiguously.... I'm merely saying that in your shoes, I'd be very cagey about agreeing to a reconcilliation now.

[suzanne2009]

Thank you guys so much for your honesty and for helping me keep it real. I really do want to make it work, but I feel like I am basically stuck between a rock and a hard place because I cannot initiate any type of conversation because he will just pull away but on the other hand he may think that I don't care if I just keep going ahead with my plans. This is just such a difficult situation. I just feel so lost and confused.

[Sands_of_time]

Thank you guys so much for your honesty and for helping me keep it real. I really do want to make it work, but I feel like I am basically stuck between a rock and a hard place because I cannot initiate any type of conversation because he will just pull away but on the other hand he may think that I don't care if I just keep going ahead with my plans. This is just such a difficult situation. I just feel so lost and confused.

 

As soon as you pick a direction and stick to it you are able to move forward to the next step. When you don't know where you are going you can't get there and you stay stuck in first gear wondering what is going on. If you choose a direction the pain doesn't go away but the thoughts and feelings that go something like..."what do I do now? I'm a little lamb wandering around this big scary field" go away relatively quickly.

 

Be strong and confident in your decision. If you go halfies on what you want to accomplish it could backfire on you in the end. You can do it.

[pelicanpreacher]

You've been given some very sound advice on this thread, especially that on how to diffuse his angry outbursts. I'd also like to add that anytime he revs up into tantrum mode to cock one eye, throw up your hands in jest, and laughingly say "I understand".."I get it".."you hate me".. "I'm the worst woman in the world".."you wish I were dead".. "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah" ..."I get it"! Doing this not only cuts his steam and shuts his mouth but also makes him realize that you don't take his irrational outbursts seriously which will eventually shame him into looking inwardly at his true reasons for animosity and reconcile himself to the foolishness of his behavior.

 

I'd like to reiterate the advice of another poster and suggest that you refrain from leaping at the first opportunity he provides to fix the marriage by questioning his motives. If not, you could find yourself impaled on the thorns of his indecision or his outright lies to game you while continuing to indulge in his infidelity. For your marriage to have a chance of survival he must come to you on the bended knee of remorse with the realization that you hold all the cards regarding terms for reconcilliation. You must firmly inform him should he show earnest intention to return that your faith and confidence has been shaken to the core for his behavior has given you a lot of food for thought. Beware that he may gaslight you with weak justifications for his actions so be ready to minimize him by showing him that you are no fool by reiterating the "I understand".."I get it".."you hate me".. "I'm the worst woman in the world".."you wish I were dead".. "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah" ..."I get it" until he get serious enough to divulge the truth by his own volition!

 

Since its not likely that he'll give up the lie very easily be prepared for a long seige with the admonition that you won't wait on him to come clean with the truth forever. I would, therefore, suggest that you continue with your plans to move out but make sure that the apartment that you're getting is contracted month to month so that if you recognize true intentions on his part to restore the marriage you're not obligated to a long term lease that might complicate your financial ability to maneuver. If you can remain steadfast in the knowledge that the work is on him to begin rebuilding the bridge he burned down in this relationship then, and only then, can you supplement his efforts by sharing thoughts, feelings, and concerns you have for reconcilliation to assist him in rebuilding the bridge for the future.

[suzanne2009]

I really appreciate all you guys here. It is really nice to hear objective responses. I think that I am now at the point where I don't want to work this out. I kind of got there on Friday during the day. Something just hit me and I said, why do you want to be with someone that does not want to be with you?" My answer - I don't. I know that I will be sad and have good days and bad days, but that is to be expected. I stayed at a friends Thursday night and last night. When I came home today, I noticed that all of the pictures were taken down in the bedroom. I know that that is his attempt to get some of the power back that he lost on Thursday. I'm glad they are down, I really did not want to look at them to be perfectly honest with you. Anyway, I went out with my friends last night and my girlfriend's boyfriends friend (what a mouthful LOL) was there. I always thought that he was really cute and we always joked that if I wasn't married... Well last night I wasn't any more and we seriously made out like we were in high school. I have to say that it was really fun. I have not made out with someone in such a long time that I forgot how fun it actually is. Also, I really needed to boost - my seld esteem has taken a serious hit with this divorce. It was nice to be wanted.

[suzanne2009]

A very good friend of mine has suggested that I attemp to talk to him one more time before moving out. I don't know how I feel about that. I dont think that I could take the rejection again. She says that I need to get closure and find out why he did this. I don't think that he will tell me, but it would be nice to know. What do you think about my leaving him a note at the house that says: "It is probably too soon to have any sort of discussion now, but when you are ready I would like to have a heart to heart about what really went wrong. Just let me know." She thinks that I should say it to him, but I think that a note takes some pressure off. Ideas????

[Geishawhelk]

I'd make it far simpler.

 

"You know where to reach me if and when you want to talk."

 

Don't sign it or anything.

 

What you were going to write (to use a phrase used here already) gives him power. It gives him the ability to visualise you "crawling" if you like.

 

Leaving a note as I have worded, above, is unambiguous, to the point, unemotional but inviting.

 

You're ready to leave. You don't have much longer.

The fact he took the pictures down was, as you rightly point out, his attempt to retrieve some of the power he lost.

 

he's not ready to relinquish that any time soon, by the looks of it -

So leaving him a note, worded as you were going to, sounds too wheeeny, if you get my drift....

 

Leave him a note.

Good idea.

'Softly' written?

 

Mmmmmmm....Not ideal, IMHO........

[signedin2008]

I just don't know what happened. He kissed me goodbye, said he loved me and went to the gym on Saturday morning and then by Saturday afternoon he is not happy and wants a divorce. What do I do now?

 

Are you sure he went to the gym and not to see his mistress?