pelicanpreacher Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Your bigger tell would have come from the answer you got with the question "did you ever think I was cheating on you?". If he said yes, then you'd have had further discussion to resolve his perceptions (hopefully this wouldn't be a gaslighting response to deflect blame due to his own cheating) but if he said no then you'd know for certain that he was cheating on you (for a good long time no less)!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Yea, I did marry a 7 year old narcissist. I am not sure how I did that, but I am definately going to try not to do it again. I have so far declined three dates. I am just not ready to go down that path yet. I am still trying to get my head around the fact that my husband is taking somene else to a wedding on Valentines Day. Last time we talked he said that since he was going to be away from the 17th to the 23rd that I could take my time moving my things. Absolutely not!!! I do not care if it takes me until 4 am, I will have everything out on Friday. Also, do you think that I should call his mother. When we were there visiting over the holidays we did a family portrait and of course I was in it. I don't want them to think that I messed up their picture on purpose, since I am sure he will take no responsibility for this divorce. Also, I asked him about the divorce papers and he said he will take care of it when he has a free minute. He is really an a^^hole. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Yea, I did marry a 7 year old narcissist. I am still trying to get my head around the fact that my husband is taking somene else to a wedding on Valentines Day. Suzanne--it is absolutely incredible that he is taking someone else to a wedding at this point and time. This is just another reason why you should run far and run fast. It seems to me that bringing another person to a wedding at this point in time makes him look quite immature and frankly I think if someone close to him knew what he was doing they would crack him upside his little noggin. You're not divorced yet you goon and you bring another woman to a wedding just as your wife is moving out? What a horsesh*t move that is on his part. Stay strong. Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself with behavior like this. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Thanks sands...I asked him if the bride and groom knew that he was taking someone other than his wife to the wedding and he said no. I said well, maybe you should tell them in advance so everyone there is not shocked since this day is not about you. I know that this makes him look like a total scumbag. I really should be sending him a fruit basket and a thank you note at this point. If he did it to me, he will do it to her. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Wait till you completely move out and are sure that he is at the wedding and call to leave a message on his voice mail stating that you've misplaced the house key and that you've had a locksmith to change the locks since you don't want to leave the house open and be responsible if any of his belongings come up missing! Then switch your cell to vibrate and watch all the messages roll in! Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 That is hysterical!!! I wish I had thought of that Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 I'm on your side and I've pulled a stunt or two in my time! I should be ashamed of myself...I really should!! :lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Thanks. I'm glad that there are some people on my side. Also, do you think that I should call his mother and let her know? We were sort of close ( I guess as close as you could be living in different states), and like I said in an earlier post I don't want her to think that I messed up her pictures.I really liked her Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Well, don't be surprised if you fail to receive the welcoming arms you're used to in the past. In my experience, blood is thicker than the mud and she, along with everyone else in the family, already knew what your stbx was up to especially since he seems comfortable enough to go public with his new status at a wedding no less. Knowing this, I'd ask outright whether she was aware of what her son did and has been doing before explaining your side of anything. Regarding the picture, if anything, I'd make a joke suggesting they have it photo-shopped with Adobe Acrobat to crop your face out and paste his new woman's in so that they don't have to throw the old portrait out. Tell her (with a straight face) that by investing in this software she can keep the portrait updated everytime her son throws a temper tantrum, cheats on his new wife, and replaces her with another one which will save everyone in the family a lot of time and wear and tear posing and reposing for new portraits. (If you're really feeling ballsy explain to mom ...) "This also helps you and everyone else to see and accept him for the poor character he posseses which should lower everyone's expectations enough to admit that he will never amount to anything or ever grow up to become a man like his father"! (that is, unless his father is a douchbag then "like father like son") Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 I love that post. It really says it exactly like it is. His father is really a good guy and while I know that the entire family will be on his side, they will be disappointed in him. He said in the beginning of this that he is afraid to tell his mother. I just don't want them to hear any lies (which I am sure that they will from him) about me and feel that I should be able to tell my side of the story. I don't know if I should wait to see if she calls me after she hears. I am fairly certain that he has not told them yet. He is too chicken sh^& to take any responsibility for his actions. I think that she will call me when she hears, but am not 100% Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 I would tell her. I really would. What you say and how you say it, is entirely up to you, of course. My own take on it (even though I was eyes-streaming at Pelly's posts) would be to try to be dignified... Funny though it may sound at the time, and as 'healthy' as it may feel - later on, there might be a not-insignificant amount of regret at the way you handled things..... The locks though....? I'd do it. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 In this instance since you seem to feel you have a close relationship with his mother I'd advise that you start the converstation with... "By now you know __________ has decided to end our marriage by throwing me out of the house. Right now, he is publicly parading another woman on his arm at a friend's wedding so I'm guessing my marriage really is over (sniff). I don't know when his affair started and was completely blindsided when he gave me ________ days to gather my belongings and vacate the home. What's really hard and what I really regret the most is that he totally cut off all communication with me when all this started so I haven't a clue about the root cause of his unhappiness to force him into the arms of another woman and I'd really like some kind of closure to get over this. Like I said, with his going to the wedding this Valentine's day with her and making his status official in the way he's doing it I know my marriage is over but I wish that someone somewhere who knows something (anything) would tell me what happened and why he's doing this. Then I think I'd finally get my first night of real sleep since last ________. I'm getting sadder, more tired, and haven't the faintest clue ... I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work, and I'm starting to get afraid of what this is doing to my health. Up until now I've been sleeping on the couch of any friend that will have me for a night or two while packing because, not only was I given an ultimatum of when I was to be completely gone but he also added that I could only sleep at home on nights of the week that he worked nights or had something to do. Did he mention to you or Dad why he was so unhappy that he was forced to do this?!!! If he confided to you in confidence then I'll understand why you can't speak on this and I'll find my way through this daze somehow on my own". (In closing) "Well, I hope your next daughter-in-law, probably the one he's taken to the wedding, fares better and that she gets along with you as well because for the short time that I've known you I have really liked you! Thankfully, I guess I was lucky in at least that". Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
joybean72 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Wholly crap.......I think we married the same guy!:bunny: What a jack@ss! ((((((((Hug))))))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
edgeof27 Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 I knew that we were having some issues, but never in my wildest imagination did I think that he would ask for a divorce. He had some issues at work in the beginning of December and ever since that day, he was just a totally different person. He was just miserable. I tried talking to him, but he would just say he was fine and that there was nothing wrong. Finally on Saturday, I could not take it anymore and told him that if we were going to make our marriage work that he would have to talk to me and he said then he guessed that I had better leave. What??? I tried talking to him, he just says that he is unhappy and he in unwilling to try to work things out. He wants me out of the house by the 15th. It was his house before we married so me leaving is understandable. I have since found an apartment that I will be moving into on the 15th, but I really don't want this. I really want to try to save my marriage. He has stopped speaking with me all together, and has set up a schedule of when I will stay in the house and when he will stay in the house until the 15th so that we don’t have to see each other. He also stated that he will be speaking with an attorney at his first available moment. I just don't know what happened. He kissed me goodbye, said he loved me and went to the gym on Saturday morning and then by Saturday afternoon he is not happy and wants a divorce. What do I do now?[/sIZE][/FONT] Suzanne, 3 years total, no kids, dump him, save yourself any more suffering, you will be fine, you will meet someone else, it's not worth your time, move on, be strong, g. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Did you already give it to him? If you haven't, then my suggestion is don't give it to him...write it for yourself and get rid of it. He already knows the above. And even if he doesn't, he just isn't worth it. Good suggestion climbergirl, wish I had taken that advice on more than one occasion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Author Share Posted February 14, 2009 Thank you all for your encouragement! I really need it now. I am in the process of moving and the finality of it is really hitting home. There is just so much empty space now. I am glad that I am not the one that has to fill it, but judging from his treatment of me these past weeks, I don't think that he will have all that hard of a time. I am going to call his mother next week after he leaves for his yearly trip with his father. I am guessing that is when he will tell him. Anyway, wish me luck on my move. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 Thank you all for your encouragement! I really need it now. I am in the process of moving and the finality of it is really hitting home. There is just so much empty space now. I am glad that I am not the one that has to fill it, but judging from his treatment of me these past weeks, I don't think that he will have all that hard of a time. I am going to call his mother next week after he leaves for his yearly trip with his father. I am guessing that is when he will tell him. Anyway, wish me luck on my move. Good luck on your move Suzanne, keep us posted on how you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 Yup, I echo that. Here comes a new life, a new beginning, and a new you. Go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
stepka Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 Okay, jumping in here late, and didn't read all the threads, so forgive me if I missed anything. Maybe I'm seeing everything thru a gay filter, since my husband just left me for a gay lifestyle, but is it possible that this is what's going on here? The signs are there--if there was another woman, he'd probably tell you, but if he's gay and doesn't want anyone to know, then he'd probably do it the way he's doing it right now. That way he won't have to come out of the closet and even his family wouldn't know. If he is gay, then this is absolutely the most cowardly and pathetic way possible to dump his wife, and I feel lucky in comparison. I'm so sorry for what you're going thru, and hope that you can move past this quickly. Also, I had an unbearable urge to jump back into dating at first, but I realized that what I was really doing was trying to ascertain whether I'm still attractive after 25 years of monogamy. Now that I've had a few handsome guys flirt with me, I've backed off and am starting the healing process. Now if I could just get rid of this one who keeps calling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 Move went well. I got all of my things and left the key to house behind when I left. I also left a disaster. Whatever, he can clean it up himself. Anyway, as I was moving I saw a hotel comfirmation on the fridge for the first weekend in May in New Orleans for the Jazz Festival. We would go to that together every year and he knows that I had already purchased the airline thickets for our trip this year for that weekend. The confirmation was printed on feb 5, so I know it was not meant for us. How can he be planning a trip with this person in three months, three weeks after we separated - and on the same weekend he knows that I will be there. That really hurt andthi s saddness just washed over me. I have not been able to shake it since. It's got to get better, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Yes, it has. Please try to think of him as mentally ill. I know it hurts like crazy, and please know, I am not making excuses for him, but resally, he's a nut-job. His 'new love' will find out. So will his mother, unbeknownst to him, because as I recall, you're going to call her aren't you? Which I actually think would be a good thing. Don't pull on it. Let it go. Easier said than done, sure enough, of course it is. But just breathe, and release. All my love, hun. ((hugs)). Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks Geisha, you have a knack for knowing what to say. I am going to call his mother tomorrow. He is leaving for his trip and I know that he will be telling his father on this trip so I want will call his mother tomorrow. I know that he has some serious mental issues, but I do love him. I have not contacted him and have been in the NC mode now for nearly the entire three weeks (except for the few times that we spoke while I was still in the house). I am just amazed at how easily he has moved on and gotten into another "serious" relationship. It is just not healthy. I have to let it go - like you said - easier said than done. I miss him...I miss us. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 He's moved on easily, because as a Narcissist he can shut down that side of him that considers others.... if indeed, it even exists at all. It's possible he is actually not capable of truly loving, in the sense that one feels loss at the end of a loving episode... because he never truly loved, in the purest sense of the word, due to his own egotistic self-importance taking centre stage. He only demonstrates love to validate his own, for himself. Once he is distracted and his focus shifts elsewhere, that 'love' for another, is cut off and starved. His cold, Samurai-steel-like severance of your affection is simple to explain: To begin with, he reciprocated because it suited him to do so. Once something occurred to make him believe something better lay elsewhere, he terminated his feelings for you, in one swift stroke. Truly, I feel desperately sorry for his new attraction. He doubtless treats her well, in order to bask in her adulation. She has no idea what she's letting herself in for. This will fail, because ultimately, a new and better distraction will come along, and he will tire of her too. It would be a rare thing for him to have found an equally strong and resolute woman, such as yourself, a second time running. If she is more vulnerable, fragile and less self-assured than you are, this will play havoc with her emotions. But alas for her, she is not your concern. You are. You must concentrate entirely on yourself, and look to your well-being and healing process. Let us know how the discussion with his mother goes. With you all the way...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 How did I not see this before? I feel soooo stupid and mad at myself for letting this happen. I am going to me extra careful the next time. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Why would you see it? It's all very well saying there might have been flags, but in comparison to what? Unless you know somebody has a mental concern, everything seems negotiable, workable and up for open discussion. Suddenly finding yourself facing a bulldozer laden with bricks puts you firmly into the arena of "non-negotiable". How can you fight something like this? He's left you with no room for manoevre, because he's only got one gear: Forward. It's hardly surprising you didn't see it coming. He gave no warning. Link to post Share on other sites
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