LTD, Online dating, Shy guy - the most difficult relationship ever

[gwynieatpain]

Where to begin with ...

 

I met a guy online 3 months ago. He's 32, green eyes brown hair 6"1 athletic built, very gorgeous guy and absolutely has no problem to attract girls in the real world. I couldn't help to email him, he wrote back, we exchanged personal emails/facebook/phone no/photos and have been chatting on IM (with webcam sometimes)ever since.

 

He said he was a shy guy, had been single for 2 years now since he couldn't find a girl whom he could emotionally connect with. He has his own place and rents out two rooms for 2 girls (ya I know exactly what you are thinking ...). He was originally from the country. Has his first gf when he was 23. In the past 3 years he had been travelling Europe and South East Asia ... blah blah blah ...

 

He said he liked me a lot, couldn't wait to meet me.

 

Everything sounds perfect except -

-I'm now working overseas and will not go back until September.

-His job is a shift work so we aren't able to make regular time for chatting.

-We are both very shy. He doesn't talk much and I don't like talking (when you live alone you talk less or you would talk to yourself)

-He could be a freak or I have been dreaming since things are so unreal and he sounds TOO perfect!

 

Last x'mas he went travelling to Thailand. I could have met him there where it was only 2.5hrs flight for me to get there it was easy. He was very excited about meeting up. Things happen at the end my boss cancelled my leave so eventually we've been in Bangkok in different time. I was so sad.

 

He asked me if I would wait for him. Oh, of coz I would. At the same time I'm also very confused since we are no bf/gf relationship. I don't want to show him the insecurity I feel inside. I hope he waits for me too.

 

I wonder how to keep this going until September?

[Rollercoasterr]

He sounds like a great, but shy guy. But since you're shy too, it probably works out pretty well.

 

What I would recommend that you do is keep it up the way you're doing. Communicate, any way possible. My SO and I have found this really great program called SightSpeed, which has an amazing webcam picture, and it also has voice chat on it too. Its the same as being on the phone, just without that hefty bill. We also have game night, where we play checkers and stuff online so it seems like were closer together. It tends to get pretty competitive, but its really fun to forget that you're so far away, and to just spend some quality time together. However, since you said that he works shifts and its hard for you to talk regularly, that sightspeed program that I mentioned also has this video message thing that allows you to leave him a video message, or vice versa. Its really nice to come home and see a message from my boyfriend waiting, even if its a funny face, or something sweet. I just love it. Communication is key in an LDR, but I'm sure you already know that. As long as you keep things close to the way you are now, and get a little inventive with ways to keep the spark alive, making it to september shouldn't be that much of a problem!

[gwynieatpain]

Thanks for that RC. Just curious. How long you have been in LD with your SO?

 

I have another question though. How much input from me is ok for him? Sounds like I always make the first move(s) except the first time he put himself on cam (which last for only a minute because he got shy).

 

I don't have experience to purse a guy. I feel fine for gently pursuing this guy because I really see something in him. Just don't want to overdo it or to push him away.

 

And I couldn't tell if he's interested in me for real. Even if he said he liked me, judging by his actions I couldn't feel that way - he could talk to me for 6 hrs straight, or disappeared for a few days without a word. Same times I did the same too but guys, you know, when you have limited access to him you would have over analyzed your guy over anything.

[Rollercoasterr]

He and I dated 4 years ago for a while, broke up, kept talking to each other, and we're clearly still crazy over each other, and then finally got back together about 8 months ago. So technically, around a year total.

 

We're 1000 miles away from each other, and for some reason, just can't seem to get enough. I figured it would wear away with time and that we'd end up like some of the other posters on this forum--only talking for a few hours once every couple of days, but it just hasn't come no where near to stopping.

 

And I would say that you should give as much effort as he does. Pursuing him a little bit more than he does you is fine, but I wouldn't keep it up for a long period of time. Sometimes guys want to feel loved, they want to know that their girls are into them and they like the attention. But if it goes for weeks and weeks like this, then I would stop that and let him come to me. Because, of course, no girl wants to be the naggy girlfriend that keeps chasing her guy. And it's been my experience that if a guy is into you, he's going to spend time on the relationship. No man that I've ever met is going to spend time building or pursuing a relationship with someone that they've met online unless they are interested. Of course, I could be wrong, but it just seems like a lot of wasted time if you're not that in to someone.

[gwynieatpain]

After weeks of thinking I decided to confess my feeling. Here's part of the conversation ...

 

Me: Hey. What kind of girls you find the most attractive?

Him: Um ...I like a girl for her mind. It doesn't hurt when they are so sexy like you also.

Me: haha let's not talk about me. I just want to have an idea about the girls you like. Because ... I have never tried making the first move in my whole life.

Him: I'm sure you have never had to. You are so beautiful. Many guys would talk to you.

Me: But you are making me to pursue you.

Him: hehe really? I thought Im just making water boil slowly (our way to describe our relationship)

Me: ..... I want to boil water slowly too. I hope I could learn something on the net like how to date a shy guy.

Him: hehehe ... you have been researching on the net about shy guys?

Me: ...

Him: You are so sweet Honey.

Me: Told ya I didn't have much experience! (very very embarrassing!)

Him: It's ok. It will be fine when we meet honey.

(conversation continued ...)

 

I felt like I have done something very stupid. Acting like a school girl in my old days. Ya we are like boiling water or Im just the boiling frog killed alive I don't know.

[Island Girl]

He sounds like he is interested.

 

Was this conversation in chat or over the phone?

 

It seems like things are still progressing for the two of you.

 

But just to clarify did you say that you'll have 6 hour conversations and then he'll disappear for days...?

[gwynieatpain]

He sounds like he is interested.

 

Was this conversation in chat or over the phone?

 

It seems like things are still progressing for the two of you.

 

But just to clarify did you say that you'll have 6 hour conversations and then he'll disappear for days...?

 

It's in chat.

 

His job is a shiftwork. Nightshift sometimes so we couldn't make a chat/talk in regular basis. We kept on chatting for three months now, 2 to 3 times a week. Yes sometimes we could chat for hours. Then he could 'disappear' a few days for work, hanging out with friends or searching for real estates (he's going to buy his 2nd house) I don't know. I wouldn't ask too much because I'm not his girlfriend yet it seems not right.

[Island Girl]

You have been talking now for three months now though right?

 

What exactly do you talk about? Is it just a "friends" conversation?

How did it start exactly? You met him online where?

Wasn't it a dating site? I mean you saw pictures of him, etc. and then e-mailed him correct?

 

I guess I just don't really understand because I can't imagine how you could contact a man and chat with him for 3 moths and not have that progressing toward a romantic relationship when that is why you contacted him. You were attracted to him, right?

 

I understand the two of you are shy but you do talk. Haven't those conversations led to things? He calls you Honey...?

[gwynieatpain]

You have been talking now for three months now though right?

 

What exactly do you talk about? Is it just a "friends" conversation?

How did it start exactly? You met him online where?

Wasn't it a dating site? I mean you saw pictures of him, etc. and then e-mailed him correct?

 

I guess I just don't really understand because I can't imagine how you could contact a man and chat with him for 3 moths and not have that progressing toward a romantic relationship when that is why you contacted him. You were attracted to him, right?

 

I understand the two of you are shy but you do talk. Haven't those conversations led to things? He calls you Honey...?

 

Yes you are exactly right. We met on a dating site 3 months ago. We talked about everything and flirted a little sometimes. I don't think it is merely a "friends" conversation because we would talk about having our kids in the future, he said he loved to be married and would consider having a family 3 years later and things like that.

 

I didn't claim myself his girlfriend because we haven't physically met, I mean face-to-face. Even if we talk/ chat with cam we know how each other looks like, it doesn't mean that we get along well offline. I'm planning a trip to meet him in May so hope that we can officialize our relationship.

 

and I hope you are right.

 

He called me honey, darling, my princess all the time.

 

I may be over-conscious of the whole thing because I really don't want it turned out to be a causal fling. I'm really really attracted to him.

[Island Girl]

He called me honey, darling, my princess all the time.

 

I may be over-conscious of the whole thing because I really don't want it turned out to be a causal fling. I'm really really attracted to him.

 

 

Well to me you met on a dating site and have been communicating for 3 months.

 

You are talking about an in person meeting and he has been using pet names for each other.

 

To me it is not out of line to ask where he goes or what he does when he disappears for days at a time.

 

You are investing time, effort, and feelings. He seems to be too. So this should be a progression. A natural progression.

 

You are talking about meeting which may take things to a physical level. You should be sharing if you are indeed seeing other people, etc.

Disappearing for days can be really bad and he knows that. It can appear there are other things going on that may not be and lead the other person to hold back.

 

In any relationship communication is key. This one is no different.

To me now is the time when you can really put things out there and see if you are compatible in other areas since you can't find out about the physical compatibility yet.

[gwynieatpain]

You are investing time, effort, and feelings. He seems to be too. So this should be a progression. A natural progression .

 

Wow thanks so much I need someone to tell me it's progressing ...

 

You are talking about meeting which may take things to a physical level. You should be sharing if you are indeed seeing other people, etc.

Disappearing for days can be really bad and he knows that. It can appear there are other things going on that may not be and lead the other person to hold back .

 

It bothered me so much because I find that I have to do a lot of initiating with contacting despite the fact that he said he liked me.

 

I don't like the idea of playing ping-pong with guys. He looks like really enjoying talking to me, then later on he pulls away a bit by not showing up online a while or not responding to my text, then he comes back to me again and says he worries that I would be taken by other guys.

 

It's frustrating.

 

and I know what you mean. I don't want to end up being a second option to him while he's seeing someone behind me at the same time. I wouldn't be able to find out until I move back in September.

 

To me now is the time when you can really put things out there and see if you are compatible in other areas since you can't find out about the physical compatibility yet.

 

I'm not sure about compatibility. He's something new to me because we come from very different background: He's from the country and I grow up in big cities; He's a Caucasian and I'm a mix ... He's been working since high school and I'm just starting up my career after my master degree.

 

We both agree that we are not so much in common but we can work things out together.

[Lucky_One]

I assume you have googled him, and then cross-checked his telephone number and address to see if any other names pop up associated with that information?

[Island Girl]

I don't like the idea of playing ping-pong with guys. He looks like really enjoying talking to me, then later on he pulls away a bit by not showing up online a while or not responding to my text, then he comes back to me again and says he worries that I would be taken by other guys.

 

He is playing your side of the court.

 

What do you say when he says he "worries that you'd be taken by other guys"?

It should be something along the lines like "you should be. I don't wait around for guys that pull disappearing acts" or "don't talk to me about that, actions speak louder than words sweetheart. That is what I am paying attention to". Of course say it in a sarcastic "fun" way but get that message across.

 

And if you are responding to him right away or visible to him online -- change that immediately!

No guy should ever have a transparent window so they can see you there waiting around or know you will just jump at the chance to talk to him.

[gwynieatpain]

I assume you have googled him, and then cross-checked his telephone number and address to see if any other names pop up associated with that information?

 

Wow that really inspires me I have never thought about it.

[gwynieatpain]

What do you say when he says he "worries that you'd be taken by other guys"?

It should be something along the lines like "you should be. I don't wait around for guys that pull disappearing acts" or "don't talk to me about that, actions speak louder than words sweetheart. That is what I am paying attention to". Of course say it in a sarcastic "fun" way but get that message across..

 

Good one! I've been so nice to ans things like ... no I won't. I just have no luck with guys (which is not true in my real life). Guess that's the reason ...

 

At age of 32 I expect that he should have gone out a bit of his shyness. I understand he wants to take things slow but it seems to me that I'm doing his part now.

 

Sigh! Chasing a guy is not fun at all.

 

And if you are responding to him right away or visible to him online -- change that immediately!

No guy should ever have a transparent window so they can see you there waiting around or know you will just jump at the chance to talk to him.

 

I'm not so sure if I can do it. It makes me so excited when I see his texts or messages ... it makes my day.

 

See I act like a high school chick again.

 

But I also understand I cannot rush into anything now. Be gentle, patient and considerate I believe that we will be ok.

[Island Girl]

Sigh! Chasing a guy is not fun at all.

 

That's why you shouldn't chase, sweetie. He sould be chasing you.

 

He should be concerned that you may meet someone else at this point - you said you aren't exclusive, right?

 

It is a mistake to have him thinking you are pining away.

 

You want him to know you are a beautiful, fun, vibrant, independent woman who has plenty of opportunities and chooses to communicate with him at that moment.

 

I'm not so sure if I can do it. It makes me so excited when I see his texts or messages ... it makes my day.

 

See I act like a high school chick again.

 

But I also understand I cannot rush into anything now. Be gentle, patient and considerate I believe that we will be ok.

 

It is not about being gentle and considerate at all.

 

It is about not appearing desperate, needy, or as if he is the center of your world when he hasn't really earned that place and therefor has no respect for the place of honor.

 

This is your heart we're talking about. And your time - which is valuable.

 

He needs to know that. It isn't something you can say. It is something you have to demonstrate.

 

I hope that makes sense to you. ?

[You'reasian]

That's why you shouldn't chase, sweetie. He sould be chasing you.

 

He should be concerned that you may meet someone else at this point - you said you aren't exclusive, right?

 

It is a mistake to have him thinking you are pining away.

 

You want him to know you are a beautiful, fun, vibrant, independent woman who has plenty of opportunities and chooses to communicate with him at that moment.

 

You are looking externally at her situation. Suppose, internally, that she feels the need to chase?

 

I've noticed people go through strange phases - person chases them, but they aren't interested - then move on to find themselves chasing the next person.

 

If this is the case with this woman, should she address something in herself? or is it her environment and not her own actions/behaviors?

 

It is not about being gentle and considerate at all.

 

It is about not appearing desperate, needy, or as if he is the center of your world when he hasn't really earned that place and therefor has no respect for the place of honor.

 

This is your heart we're talking about. And your time - which is valuable.

 

He needs to know that. It isn't something you can say. It is something you have to demonstrate.

 

I hope that makes sense to you. ?

 

I do like gentle and considerate women and I don't chase. Chasing is a game - and games are for players, atleast in this sense.

 

I think it is a good idea for a man to earn that respect, but how this respect is earned is not set in stone for all women. A man can perform a selfless act for a woman with no intentions other than to be the man in a situation and do the right thing - and if this thing has little/no value according to her wants, it can go unnoticed or undervalued - whereas the next woman finds this same behavior completely awesome - again without any intentions.

[Island Girl]

I do not think you understand that he is interested and contacts but then disappears doing who knows what for days.

 

In this case he shouldn't be pursued.

 

I understand being gentle and considerate. Those are a given but his view now is that she's sitting there waiting on him and will be right there immediately whenever he wants.

THAT is never good - I don't care if you are a girl or a guy. You have to have your own life and be living it.

[You'reasian]

I do not think you understand that he is interested and contacts but then disappears doing who knows what for days.

 

In this case he shouldn't be pursued. .

 

 

Maybe her psyche is set up to need that chase? Its no fun for the girl when the boy just presents himself to her, she feels she needs to work for this boy.

 

Girls and boys play chase all the time and it was so much fun. Despite the joy of my inner child, I think its my best interest to do things as an adult and the best start to a relationship - in my opinion - is when two adults are drawn to each other for whatever reason and can appreciate each other.

[Island Girl]

Sorry but you have to tailor the "game" to match your "opponent".

 

In this case it is a guy that presents signals that she is showing herself as too available.

 

If she wants this particular boy she won't be so readily available to him because his disappearing acts aren't orchestrated to create "intrigue". Or get her to chase more readily.

 

You have to be able to read the signals.

[You'reasian]

Sorry but you have to tailor the "game" to match your "opponent"..

 

I don't see a potential girlfriend as an opponent and would hope that any woman would not see me as one either.

 

In this case it is a guy that presents signals that she is showing herself as too available.

 

If she wants this particular boy she won't be so readily available to him because his disappearing acts aren't orchestrated to create "intrigue". Or get her to chase more readily.

 

You have to be able to read the signals.

 

Perhaps he is playing a game, isn't that interested or is just really busy. Either way, I think she should move on and find someone who is more in line with her own true self, rather than play this game - again if she is just looking for short-term romance, I guess the game could serve her well.

 

but, if she actually enjoys chasing boys, more power to her - again some girls need to chase.

[Island Girl]

I will not argue semantics with you.

 

You were likening it to playing games as children. I was trying to use terminology that made have made more sense to you.

 

Let's just kill that because your postings back to me are not helpful to the OP.

 

The OP wants this particular guy.

 

This guy is pulling disappearing acts, etc. which is not beneficial and needs to be changed or addressed in some way.

My suggestions are a recourse so that she may be able to change that behavior.

 

And the suggestion that she not jump at contact with him is to allow her to have a focus outside of him and help him be aware that she is worthwhile and not a person just waiting around for him when he wants to contact her.

 

The OP has even posted that she does not feel great about the fact that she does the majority of the contacting so please quit with the "maybe she is a girl who likes to chase and likes to contact".

Did you notice that she said she is really really shy? Do you really think a shy girl loves to chase and make the contacts? Because I don't think so.

[gwynieatpain]

I don't see a potential girlfriend as an opponent and would hope that any woman would not see me as one either .

 

Thanks I think it's a wise opinion.

 

Perhaps he is playing a game, isn't that interested or is just really busy. Either way, I think she should move on and find someone who is more in line with her own true self, rather than play this game - again if she is just looking for short-term romance, I guess the game could serve her well.

 

but, if she actually enjoys chasing boys, more power to her - again some girls need to chase.

 

NO THIS IS NOT A GAME. I wasn't sure if you have read through all my posts in this thread. I'm not looking for a fling and wouldn't do anything with a guy whom I'm not interested.

 

I'm on a dating site because I spent most of my time in office and not able to meet people outside work. He's there for the same reason. It's also not my nature to meet random guys at bars and clubs. No offense really, it's just not working for me.

 

I admit that it was first his appearance that attracted me. When I get to know him more I feel so connected to him. He can make you feel that he's someone who can rely on and a good friend for life.

 

Again it's hard for me to do the 'chasing'. I'm a shy person really. As simple as it sounds, I just want him to feel loved and to let him know that I will be happy to be with him. So as long as he opened his heart, I would keep my availability for him.

[Island Girl]

I admit that it was first his appearance that attracted me. When I get to know him more I feel so connected to him. He can make you feel that he's someone who can rely on and a good friend for life.

 

Of course it is his appearance that initially attracted you to him. That is what happens in RL, why would it be any different on a dating site.

 

I know there are those that "match" you but if you look at the guy and you don't feel any attraction well then to me, that just isn't going to work on a romantic level. If it did I think it'd be the exception not the rule.

 

Isn't that why one of those sites has commercials that say "it's okay to look"?

 

Again it's hard for me to do the 'chasing'. I'm a shy person really. As simple as it sounds, I just want him to feel loved and to let him know that I will be happy to be with him. So as long as he opened his heart, I would keep my availability for him.

 

Right now you are not exclusive and, while he does get in touch with you, he disappears sometimes with little or no explanation.

 

You want to date this guy. You want the relationship to continue and get stronger. You want to see if this is a compatible match for a lifetime (that is what you are hoping for - correct?).

 

I can't stress enough that it is not in your best interest the to be at his beck and call. If he disappears and then suddenly sends you a message - by text - phone call - e-mail - whatever and you jump on it immediately, then he knows you aren't going anywhere so he doesn't have to step it up as far as contact goes.

 

And you want him to step it up.

You should gauge your availability to the relationship you have.

 

Right now you have no commitment. You are not in a place where you need to demonstrate "I am always going to be here for you".

That evolves as the relationship gets stronger and as you get more intimate knowledge of each other.

 

What is wrong with having a life? Nothing.

He certainly seems to think it is fine when he disappears and is available to you. Don't you understand that you are working against yourself by just appearing that you are sitting around waiting?

I mean this guy has got you spun and he hasn't had to do anything.

 

I just don't know how else to put it. And I don't think it is coming across. Ugh. There has to be some other people here who can chime in with helpful suggestions.-?

 

How successful have you been in previous relationships? Have you had many dating-to-boyfriend experiences?

Because it doesn't seem like you have much experience in getting the guy you are going after.

 

When I say going after I do not mean chasing and making all the moves.

There have been plenty of times when I have picked a guy out that I wanted to date and then I have just maneuvered so that it has happened and progressed where I wanted it to go.

 

That is all you are trying to do; get to a point where you can figure out if you want this guy as a long term relationship partner or not.

 

And you want him to stop disappearing and be more involved in your life - you want his interest level to grow.

 

That is what I am trying to address. *sigh*

[gwynieatpain]

The OP wants this particular guy.

 

This guy is pulling disappearing acts, etc. which is not beneficial and needs to be changed or addressed in some way.

My suggestions are a recourse so that she may be able to change that behavior.

 

And the suggestion that she not jump at contact with him is to allow her to have a focus outside of him and help him be aware that she is worthwhile and not a person just waiting around for him when he wants to contact her.

 

The OP has even posted that she does not feel great about the fact that she does the majority of the contacting so please quit with the "maybe she is a girl who likes to chase and likes to contact".

Did you notice that she said she is really really shy? Do you really think a shy girl loves to chase and make the contacts? Because I don't think so.

 

Thanks so much IslandGirl for guiding me through.

 

You are right Im not doormat I have to quit waiting around and to focus on myself instead. It doesn't mean I want to move onto someone. It's only the way it rolls, in long run it only goes to show him that I'm worth to keep because I have my life, my friends and my goal.

 

And I come to realize that I've been trying TOO hard to get him.

 

He has been very patient already. He said he would wait for me till I come, so now just to keep boiling water slowly.

 

At the end of the day I'm only seeking the balance of our relationship. The more you pull away, guys would respond in kind. Things like knocking him out of my availability would not help nurturing our relationship. He's just living his life, or he's settled in so he stops the chase (Well I'm not so sure though haha ) The other way around if he's the one who waits around, it will be such a turn-off to me.:bunny: