Is there such a thing as a perfect husband?

[tomswife]

My husband is a good guy, he takes care of me, business, family, takes the trash out, does dishes, cooks and is loyal. The biggest problem I have with him is that he lacks social skills. He would tell people inappropriate jokes that embarress me, he brags about me and his wealth he is and says what he means even if it means hurting people.

This guy would do a lot of things for me, he has agreed to go to counselling to learn social skill also to be more gentle. But my question is will he be able to change. I asked him to discipline the dog gentle but he couldn't do it so he stoped disciplining the dog completely and I take over. Don't get me wrong, he still loves and enjoys the dog every morning still, playing with the dog is the first thing he does in the morning.

 

I have another website I visit on a regular basis and when I share my husband's behaviour especially his inappropriate jokes most of the members say that I should leave him. I feel that divorce is not the answer especially when he is willing to work on it. Especially when I'm so sure that there is no such thing as a perfect husband.

What do you guys think, should I stick to him hoping that he will get better ( I know he will not change completely) Or should I listen to the members of the other website and leave. Isn't leaving running from the problems?

[Geishawhelk]

.....Is this the same husband from this thread?

 

Boy, he's onto a loser isn't he?

he has an affair, he stays with you, but now he's socially inadequate.

 

Would it really not be worth calling it a day.....?

[tomswife]

.....Is this the same husband from this thread?

 

Boy, he's onto a loser isn't he?

he has an affair, he stays with you, but now he's socially inadequate.

 

Would it really not be worth calling it a day.....?

 

He worked it out and that problem is gone.

[seibert253]

"None are perfect, no not one". Look it up if you're unsure of the author or book it's from.

We all have our imperfections, after time you learn to either try to do something, or to change or modify the behavior. I do alot of things the drive my wife up the wall, but's that's just the way I am. Some of things have changed, because I recognized the problem, others cannot. We live with each others imperfections, and accept them because we are human, and no human is perfect. Thus the answer to your question.

[Geishawhelk]

He worked it out and that problem is gone.

 

His has, maybe......

[Kasan]

Of course there are no perfect husbands as there are no perfect people.

 

The trick is to decide what imperfections you can live with and what are deal breakers, because expecting and wanting someone to change to accommodate your wants and needs usually doesn't work in the long run.

[ColorCube]

Leaving can be running from your problems, it all depends on if forward progress is being made with the issues to whether or not leaving should figure into the equation.

If no progress is being made then leaving isn't running from your problems it then becomes a solution to them.

 

As far as the tasteless jokes, I guess it really does matter what type of inappropriate jokes he is making.

It could be that you are too thin shinned and need to learn to kick back and not take offense at things so much, of course it could also be that the guy is a chimp and disrespects you at every turn.

 

Could you elaborate more on his tasteless jokes to the wrong people more?

[tomswife]

Leaving can be running from your problems, it all depends on if forward progress is being made with the issues to whether or not leaving should figure into the equation.

If no progress is being made then leaving isn't running from your problems it then becomes a solution to them.

 

As far as the tasteless jokes, I guess it really does matter what type of inappropriate jokes he is making.

It could be that you are too thin shinned and need to learn to kick back and not take offense at things so much, of course it could also be that the guy is a chimp and disrespects you at every turn.

 

Could you elaborate more on his tasteless jokes to the wrong people more?

 

We were at the Doctor's before my surgery, the doctor asked if I'm ellergic to anything, my husband said ' She is ellergic to a lack of sex'.

 

My husband is making progress and everybody sees that. The thing that confuses me is that when I come to the board for suggestions on how to work on my marriage, most people tell me to just leave him. It is very discouraging. I wonder how many times have those people been married and divorce. To me, as long as both spouses are willing to work on problems and the love is still there it is worth it to stay!

[Star Gazer]

The thing that confuses me is that when I come to the board for suggestions on how to work on my marriage, most people tell me to just leave him.

 

That's because given the current state of your marriage, HE is the one who needs to step up the "work." Not you. If he's not willing to put in as much effort as you already have, then it's time to leave.

 

It's time. It's been time, for a long time.

[tomswife]

Loyal? After having an EA for 7+ years (if that's ALL it was, which I'm not so sure it is) you call him loyal?!

 

And how exactly did he discipline your dog before you finally stopped him. Did he kick your dog?

 

Ugh!

I should have said he has been physically loyal to me.

I once saw him kicking the dog. He always disciplined him by grabbing the dog (12 lbs dog) by his neck and shake him very hard. To some people that may not be violent but to me is it. I believe that there is a gentler way of disciplining our little dog.

[Haner]

This thread reminds me of something: On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog.

 

I think it's also why it's so hard to give counseling advice to people over the Internet. People fudge, leave things out, embellish, etc to get either approval or something else.

 

In this thread the OP says the husband is loyal, in another the husband is in a 7 year emotional affair. If I had just read this thread, I would've been like "WTF? you are thinking of divorce because your otherwise 'perfect' husband cracks dirty jokes?" Upon reading the other thread, I get a better picture. But who is to say that's still the complete picture?

[Star Gazer]

I should have said he has been physically loyal to me.

 

He hasn't. You're deluding yourself. She was his bookkeeper, and he spends all that time at work. Yes, she lives in another state. You don't think she managed to pay him visits? How do you think she managed to give him all those personal belongings that you threw away? They were together. No EA last SEVEN YEARS without a physical component.

 

I once saw him kicking the dog. He always disciplined him by grabbing the dog (12 lbs dog) by his neck and shake him very hard. To some people that may not be violent but to me is it. I believe that there is a gentler way of disciplining our little dog.

 

That's DISGUSTING and absolutely heartbreaking.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

The Carter Family by Carley Simon

 

The Carter family lived next door

for almost fourteen years

With Gwen and I inseparable

from rag dolls through braziers

Then Gwen began to bore me

with her giggles and her fears

the day Carters moved away

I had to fake my tears.

 

I told new friends that Carter

had become silly pest

And the I found I missed her

mo-o-o-ore then I ever had guessed

 

Grandma use to nag at me

to straighten up my spine

to act respectful and read good books

and take care of what was mine

I hated being critisized and asking her permission

so what if her advice was wise

It always hurt to listen

 

I didn't cry when granny died

she made so depressed

and then I found I missed her

mo-o-o-ore then I'd ever have guessed

 

You use to make me moan in bed

but that can't be enough

my friends complained your jokes were crude

your manners were to rough

Don't know just what I wanted

but I know I wanted more

Someone smooth, presentable

to blend with my decor

 

And now at night I think of how

you grinned when you undressed

And I find I miss you

mo-o-o-ore then I'd ever have guessed

 

Do you love him?

The grass is always greener on the other side

of the hill. But it still has to be mowed.

[Ariadne]

What do you guys think, should I stick to him hoping that he will get better ( I know he will not change completely) Or should I listen to the members of the other website and leave. Isn't leaving running from the problems?

 

Leaving would be silly. And you should better get used to his sense of humor with pride. He is your man.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, I'm sorry to bang on about it, but - does it not occur to you that perhaps you've gotten to the stage where you have just drifted apart, become friends and are no longer truly compatible as a married couple?

 

It happens. After 22 years, it happened to me (although there was a bit more to it than just that. There always is....).

 

My ex- and I ran on traintracks. Parallel lines. Great friends, although at times, his habits irritated the sh1!t out of me. But you know, doubtless my foibles did the same to him.

Sometimes, if there's nothing drastic or major, but there's just a "flatline".... it might be worth considering parting on good terms and calling it a day.

 

You have to discuss with your H. whether this relationship needs salvaging, which will mean herculean effort on both your parts.

It sounds (from your husband's remark) as if your sex-life is lacking. This isn't humour. It's frustration. Temperamental as well as physical.....He wasn't trying to crack a joke. It was more a "cry for help"....

 

Things need discussing, airing and a solution needs to be found.

But it's a two way thing.

And if it means branching off on a different line, well, there you go.

As I said, it happens.

[OWoman]

TW, there may be "no such thing as a perfect husband", but there can be someone who's perfect FOR YOU. I love my fiance BECAUSE OF all of his quirks and imperfections; I've never been blind to them but I see them for what they are, which is usually the flip side of something profoundly lovely that I wouldn't want to lose. So, while sometimes they might bug me because my mood is not in synch with his at that moment, it's nothing I can't shrug off and get beyond. In our years together our R has gotten deeper and closer because of those quirks; we're both old enough to know what can and can't change in the other and in ourselves and we're a pretty good fit, together.If you're feeling that that's not the case with your H, then you need to decide how willing you are to compromise on it.

 

He may be showing signs of progress, but I question just how much of that can really change. It's not just a question of social skills - anyone who abuses a dog like that lacks empathy and sensitivity, and it suggests a capacity to violence if provoked. I have many years experience of counselling survivors of domestic abuse, and in ALL cases the domestic violence was preceded by abuse of animals just as you describe. It sounds as if he is genuinely unable to see things from the perspective of anyone but himself - in terms of what he says and what he does. This could be a real risk should things get rocky between you - should he feel the need to discipline you for displeasing him, like the dog.

 

In your position, I'd seek a professional assessment of the situation. His behaviour could signal anything from mild narcissism to complete psychopathology, and should you choose to make things work with him it would help to know what you're dealing with, and what the likely chances of success are.

[whichwayisup]

There's no such thing as a perfect person, so why would a marriage, a spouse be perfect?

 

You need to decide what you can put up with (traits within your husband) and what you can't put up with and go from there.

 

He IS willing to do counselling to work on himself - THAT is a positive thing! Can he change? Yes, if he is willing to do the work TO change, anything is possible.

 

Let me ask you though, are you going to do counselling too? Because you should go with him..I'm sure there are things about you that he wouldn't mind you changing. Are you willing to bend and compromise as well? Maybe there are afew traits of yours that he doesn't like either.

[Lizzie60]

I should have said he has been physically loyal to me.

I once saw him kicking the dog. He always disciplined him by grabbing the dog (12 lbs dog) by his neck and shake him very hard. To some people that may not be violent but to me is it. I believe that there is a gentler way of disciplining our little dog.

 

 

WHAT???? he's been 'physically' loyal to you.. like it's a 'bonus'... HELLO!!!!

 

there is no such thing as physical loyalty... it's a MUST...

 

Your man is a redneck.. no class 'hillbilly'... leave him... or you'll pass as being one of them..