avasmomman06 Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 I'm gonna try and keep a long story short but hopefully everyone will read thru and give me some advice. I've been close friends with this guy for close to 8 yrs now. We're both married right now, though we did have a sexual relationship in the past when we were both single. Thats our history summed up in short. Well...he has a jealous wife. Very jealous. She isn't comfortable with him talking to or even looking at other girls in her presence. A couple months ago, she found out that he had been talking with me. She found conversations between him and I on facebook and read them. She knows about our sexual history so that makes her very uncomfy with me. She got pissed off at her husband (my friend) for simply just conversating with me! So....he sends me a message and says him and I can't be friends anymore in order to keep his marriage healthy. I was in shock. I want to be clear that she didn't ask him to stop being friends with me; this was his decision. We didn't talk for a couple months. Then out of the blue, last week, i get a message from him on facebook telling me to contact him at this random email address and not to reply to this facebook message he was sending me. Yea, he created an anonymous email address so his wife wouldn't find out about him conversating with me. And, his wife had just left for Florida for a week to be with her family. So the fact that he is hiding our friendship from his wife makes me a little uncomfy but on the other hand, i look at it as he cares enough for our friendship to apologize to me for eliminating our friendship to begin with. But it's unfortunate that he feels forced to hide me and the only time he can talk to me is when wifey-poo isn't home. My question....is he just using me to keep him company when his wife is gone?? Or does he genuinly care for our friendship?? He mentioned in his messages that he gets bored and literally has noone to talk to, which is why i question whether he is just using me to cure his boredom spells. Link to post Share on other sites
Ramrod Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 When he walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's usually means he's a duck. Your being used. Tell him to go fly a kite if he's bored and lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 he is coaxing you into an EA. Don't be the one to come between him and his wife. If he has a problem in his marriage, that he feels he needs to go behind his wife's back, keep things secret and use false/secret accounts - well, if that ain't all a big flappin' red flag for you.... He's obviously not getting his emotional/psychological needs met in his marriage. That is his problem to sort out with her. Seeking something of a comfort behind her back, is not the way to go about it. Refuse contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 We had a good talk when he unexpectidly came back into my life a week ago. I told him if he ever said anything like that again, there is no second chance and that i was trusting him. And he said he was doing the same for me and trusting me (???). But it wasn't just something along the lines of "hey i'm back!" and then i said "oh ok!". He had a lot of explaining to do. I KNOW it seems like he is using me and it certainly feels like it. It's just that from things that he has actually said to me, i'm finding it very difficult to email him right now and tell him not to let the door hit him in the toosh on the way out. And I think he is trying to get from me what he is lacking from his wife. ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 .....And I think he is trying to get from me what he is lacking from his wife. ugh. That's what I said. "ugh" indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 I started an email but would rather talk with him directly. He's in Vegas right now and won't be back til Sunday, go figure, now that i'm dying to get things off my chest. Link to post Share on other sites
joybean72 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 How does your husband feel about this relationship with your ex? Is he cool with it? Link to post Share on other sites
joybean72 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Hello??? Just wondering.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Hello??? Just wondering.... Yes hello! I'm not on here every second of the day. I wasn't around last night so sorry i didn't respond in the time frame you were hoping for. In answer to your question though, yes, he is fine with me having a friendship with someone who isn't necessarily my ex. We had a meaningless sexual relationship, that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Was the sex meaningless to him? What was the language in his communications which was perceived as negative by you? How well do you know his W? What is he "not getting" from his W? Just for a moment, take the penis away and imagine a vagina there. Imagine there was no meaningless sex years ago. Same present circumstances. Opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Was the sex meaningless to him? What was the language in his communications which was perceived as negative by you? How well do you know his W? What is he "not getting" from his W? Just for a moment, take the penis away and imagine a vagina there. Imagine there was no meaningless sex years ago. Same present circumstances. Opinion? Yes the sex was meaningless to him too. What I perceived as negative and him just using me was when he initiated conversation with me and said he was really bored with his wife being gone for a week and doesn't have anyone else to talk to. But then he continued by saying he's missed me, missed talking to me, etc. So he would say something negative in my eyes and then turn it into a positive. I don't know his wife that well. I've only met her once. Apparently, he's not getting enough sex from his wife and she's not home very often either due to work obligations. Hmm, same circumstance had we NOT had sex? I'd say so. We would have remained good friends regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Did he tell you he wasn't getting enough sex from his wife? People here tell me I talk in riddles....let me try again. Imagine this man was your female friend, and not a male. Her H was gone; she's bored and lonely and rings you up. Women do that, you know Opinion? Why have you been close friends for 8 years? What needs of yours has he met? What needs of his have you met? IMO, it's really good to ask these questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Did he tell you he wasn't getting enough sex from his wife? People here tell me I talk in riddles....let me try again. Imagine this man was your female friend, and not a male. Her H was gone; she's bored and lonely and rings you up. Women do that, you know Opinion? Why have you been close friends for 8 years? What needs of yours has he met? What needs of his have you met? IMO, it's really good to ask these questions. Yes I think if he was a girl, she/he would still get a hold of me saying their bored and just wanna talk. lol I had a close girlfriend who would do that, though i hate talking on the phone. We've been friends for so long because we share a lot of common interest i.e., music, graduated from the same h.s., and just views on life. Well except one which is we differ a bit on religion. But those are all what's kept us close in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 OK, so how does all that interesting stuff meld into him not getting enough sex from his wife? See, this is where I often find a disconnect. Stereotypically, men only seek out women for sex. Women serve no other useful purpose. Any "friendship" or "interest" has but one goal, that being the insertion of a penis into a vagina. Seriously, can't you see how ridiculous that is? That said, this guy is impotent so I wouldn't worry about the sex part. If he had testosterone coursing through him, he'd be using his main e-mail address and phone to talk to his friend in front of his wife and she'd just have to eat her jealousy. Nice sandwich. That's why I'd recommend taking a vacation from him. Be a good friend and tell him that first. Sometimes we guys need a kick in the panties Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 OK, so how does all that interesting stuff meld into him not getting enough sex from his wife? See, this is where I often find a disconnect. Stereotypically, men only seek out women for sex. Women serve no other useful purpose. Any "friendship" or "interest" has but one goal, that being the insertion of a penis into a vagina. Seriously, can't you see how ridiculous that is? That said, this guy is impotent so I wouldn't worry about the sex part. If he had testosterone coursing through him, he'd be using his main e-mail address and phone to talk to his friend in front of his wife and she'd just have to eat her jealousy. Nice sandwich. That's why I'd recommend taking a vacation from him. Be a good friend and tell him that first. Sometimes we guys need a kick in the panties He has actually said (in a joking manner but being serious) that he hasn't seen very much action around his place. He has said it on more than one occasion so that's what leads me to believe that he isn't getting very much sex. I don't really care, it's not my problem but he shares things with me. I really don't think he's seeking me out for sex anymore. Never once had he mentioned while his wife was gone (and my husband travels for his job and he knows that...and he just happened to be gone at the same time as his wife this last time) did he mention anything along the lines of "hey wanna come over?" So yea, i'm not worried about him trying to use me for sex. Just general company i think when wifey isn't home. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 OP, would you characterize your friend as the type of man who primarily derives intimacy through sex? IMO, if this were a casual friendship, and the why's and what's weren't really important, you wouldn't be posting this here. It would be one of those "whatever, have a nice day" moments, since friends generally only have modest expectations of each other. Yet, the fact that he apparently is only contacting you when "wifey" isn't around bothers you. When do you contact him? Friends go back and forth this way. There's no drama like when people are romantically involved. Do you think his wife is controlling this dynamic? Affecting the health of your friendship? Why? It doesn't appear that your husband is an issue in this at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 OP, would you characterize your friend as the type of man who primarily derives intimacy through sex? IMO, if this were a casual friendship, and the why's and what's weren't really important, you wouldn't be posting this here. It would be one of those "whatever, have a nice day" moments, since friends generally only have modest expectations of each other. Yet, the fact that he apparently is only contacting you when "wifey" isn't around bothers you. When do you contact him? Friends go back and forth this way. There's no drama like when people are romantically involved. Do you think his wife is controlling this dynamic? Affecting the health of your friendship? Why? It doesn't appear that your husband is an issue in this at all. Well yea she's controlling the dynamic or he wouldn't be hiding me from her at all. She's a jealous person especially towards me since we DO have a sexual past. My husband is NOT a jealous type and as long as we aren't sitting around reminiscing about our past or having an affair, he doesn't care if i talk to him. I didn't initiate all this. I didn't ask for all this drama though here i am. A couple months ago, he said he wanted me out of his life for his marriage's sake. I stayed out of his life, not contacting him once. Then out of the blue, he contacts me and says he misses me basically. Though the only time we can conversate is when his wife isn't around. Right now, i contact him thru email on his undisclosed email account he set up and that's it so his wife doesn't get mad at him. These are his wishes, not mine. Are you saying he might have a thing for me even though he's married? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Are you saying he might have a thing for me even though he's married? Yes, he does. I'll bet dollars to donuts he does. I dealt with something similar and it took MC to help me resolve it, and that primarily is tools to manage the emotions and put them in proper perspective. His wife is jealous for a reason...could be insecurities of her own, or it could be a result of behaviors/actions by him. IDK. Hearing more of your story, IMO, if he's not going to man-up and put everyone on the same page, I'd proactively cut contact with him. Go NC. If he's been a good friend, tell him why in person or on the phone. He deserves that. Good on ya for marrying a good guy. Definitely wouldn't want this dynamic to impact your M. Your frustrations with it might, hence my suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Well he's actually in Vegas right now....with his wife and some other couples. Maybe he'll come back after having a nice time with her and realize that it's her he truly loves. I'll just wait for him contact me and see what he says. If he doesn't contact me at all, then i'll just leave him be. Whatta mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Also as far as him "manning-up"...yea that's just not in his vocabulary. When it comes to talking about his feelings or anything of that nature, he dodges it the best he can. And that's why i was utterly shocked and quite speechless when he messaged me saying he missed me. He's a very hard-headed individual. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I sense a conundrum..... Can't man-up but hates talking about his feelings.....in my book, "manning-up" means taking responsibility for one's actions like a man; tough it out and do the right thing (from the man's perspective, regardless of how others feel or think). Feelings are just icing. Hard-headed but bends to the whims of his wife and "sneaks around", talking to a female friend when she's not around and using alternative e-mail addresses. See where this is headed? Well, let us know if you hear any contact when he returns. My bet, if you resolve in your mind right now, this minute, to go NC, he'll definitely contact you when he gets back. It's like telepathy. They always know Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 He returns on Sunday but i don't expect to hear from him then. I won't be waiting around here either, but i'll let you know if he makes contact and what he says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 carhill, is there a way i could contact you off this thread? email possibly? if not, no problem. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 You've been here long enough to use the PM system, but don't have enough posts. Can't remember the required amount but think it's 30-50 posts and 30 days of membership. I don't mind sharing my e-mail but it's against board guidelines. Get back to us when he returns and/or if he contacts you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 You've been here long enough to use the PM system, but don't have enough posts. Can't remember the required amount but think it's 30-50 posts and 30 days of membership. I don't mind sharing my e-mail but it's against board guidelines. Get back to us when he returns and/or if he contacts you. Well he returned on Sunday but no contact has been made. I'm not surprised though as he didn't get home til late Sunday night, work Monday morning, and then i'm sure unpacking and doing laundry and watching television shows Monday night. I just hope he isn't taking me for another ride. I told him when we started talking again that i'm putting my trust back in him and wouldn't give him a 2nd chance and he said that was more then fair and gave a sincere apology. My guess is, he may not talk to me at all while his wife is home because he knows he doesn't get a 2nd chance with me and doesn't want to risk his wife finding conversations with me again and then him "getting hosed" (his words) by her for talking to me. So....doesn't want to put our friendship at risk....doesn't want to fight with wife. Just things i've been running thru my head to try and make more sense of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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