Author avasmomman06 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 He messaged me tonight over instant messaging. He's in Florida now for training for his new job for 2 wks. We talked for probably 3 hrs. He mentioned that he looses track of time when he talks to me, referring to how late it was and his reasoning for feeling tired. He mentioned some other things i didn't know. He said his wife was standing right there when he sent me the "we can't be in each other's lives anymore" message a few months back. He said he really didn't want to do it but felt forced to by his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 It might be a case of non-romantic soulmates but this guy hasn't learned how to manage those emotions. IDK. I had to go through MC to figure it out. Since you spent 3 hours with him (on IM), I'll presume the time passes without thought for you too. It's hard to know what the dynamic would be like if his wife wasn't jealous because those behaviors warp the dynamic. What do you want to happen? What would be your ideal scenario? Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 What do you want to happen? What would be your ideal scenario? I told him last night that i wish it didn't have to come down to him having to hide me from his wife. For all she knows, i'm as good as gone from his life. But i said that if this is what it takes for him to be in my life somehow, then so be it i guess. He agreed. He said he knew he wanted me around somehow even if it's just thru IM. Yea "wanted me around" is the phrase he used. lol So in answer to your question. Like i said, I do want him in my life somehow and he feels the same. Ideal scenario = everyone being content with our friendship. I told him in sort of a joking manner but kinda being serious too. I said "i kinda feel like a booty call". He laughed and said "well if you were, i would have asked you by now what you were wearing". I guess i was just trying to get to the bottom of finding out if i was just getting used or not. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Personally, I'd be very careful. If you two could joke sexually in front of his wife (or your husband) and everyone laughed, I wouldn't worry so much. Then it's just casual meaningless banter. My bet is he's not going to tell you how he really feels. He'll keep that enough of a mystery to prolong the interaction. I can tell you, if he does have, in even the smallest way, romantic feelings, it is exceedingly difficult to process them and ignore them, even with psychological help. What I've found to result is what I call a rubber band relationship, where the two parties, without really realizing it, become closer and closer and more intimate and then one or both of them realize something unhealthy or inappropriate is going on and push the other away. With time and distance, the feelings subside enough to again be processed in a healthy way, but, with any contact, the cycle starts again. Right now, my friend and I are purposely avoiding any talk about our relationships or personal feelings and talking about work, family and projects. I'm still seeing signs (in myself) of the rubber band but I'm putting faith in the tools I learned in MC to manage my feelings in a healthy way. In our case we've had 25 years and multiple marriages/relationships with others to make the mistakes and practice the techniques. TBH, if it takes this much work to manage a friendship correctly, I personally don't think it's worth it. When it's someone who feels like your twin, such decisions are a lot more complex. I wish you well in yours Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Thanks carhill for taking the time to talk with me about all this. Sounds like i have a tough decision to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 I can tell you, if he does have, in even the smallest way, romantic feelings, it is exceedingly difficult to process them and ignore them, even with psychological help. Sorry i had to come back to this line....so if he does have feelings, they'll eventually come out? You think maybe he's not saying anything because he doesn't want to put the friendship at risk again? I could see that happening....our friendship on the line again should he tell me how he really feels. He's been in Florida for almost 2 wks now and has logged onto his undisclosed IM just about every night (except last night he wasn't on). Ya know, since he's away from his wife and all Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 IMO, they already have, but you're looking for obvious signs, like you're used to seeing from a man The other elephant in the room is the potential that there's someone else who's 'undisclosed'.... perhaps there are other reasons for his W's insecurities and jealousy. Just a thought... Link to post Share on other sites
Plato Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 You have a "close" friend for 8 years who is in quite a bind...probably tears him apart a times because he is allowing someone (his wife) to control him. After 8 years why would you doubt his sincerity? That's all! Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 It's been 2 wks since i sent him a message saying "i'm done". His response was basically...ok if thats what you want, i can handle it. And then thanked me for all the good times and for being his friend all those yrs. He also said he's gonna keep his undisclosed email account just in case i "decide to send him some funny story or something". One of the more tougher things i've ever done, but it's done. Edited to add: My reason for this decision...i just couldn't be his friend under those circumstances. I asked him to tell his wife he wanted to remain friends with me...and he didn't like that idea at all, fearing his wife's reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I re-read the thread to update myself, and feel you made a wise decision. Unhealthy relationships take away space and time which can be used for more positive efforts, actions and relationships. In the months since this thread began, I've been practicing that and it has changed the tone of my feelings for my friend. It's more like a sincere love without 'expectations', so more aligned with how I am with my male friends. Interesting process. Just spoke with her today on the phone; she called to update regarding her new grandson's medical condition. Normal casual conversation; no adverse or uncomfortable feelings on my side. It's funny, in a way; for years I couldn't really imagine 'being' with anyone else, likely even while married, but now, it's like I see reality. Not ugly, but not the kind of health I want from an intimate relationship. That's kinda what I'm sensing from you, but you still have moments of conflict within yourself, as I do. Nothing in life is perfect Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 Thanks carhill for all your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 p.s. I was reading another thread referring to moving on and how it can be like drug rehab in the process. I'm DEFINITELY feeling that right now. It's soooo tempting not to email him, just because of the way he made me feel and i miss that. This is not fun and i can't wait til the time comes when it gets easier!! Oh and typing my feelings on here also keeps me from contacting him. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 The threads linked in my signature can help (on 'no contact'). It's a process Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 um, he emailed me. This is the 2nd time we've said our goodbyes and he's come back out of the blue trying to initiate contact w/ me again, and he acts like nothing ever happened!! The email was just chit chat about his job and some other stuff going on in his life. Confused?? Uh, definitely! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Carhill is right. If he didn't have a penis and was a girl you would not be in this dilema. He is drawn to you. When his wife closed shop , he got upset and initiated contact with you. I think he truly misses you. He can't get you out of his system. But you are not HERE for him. You have your own life. Keeping secrets from his wife is a HUGE red flag ! .......Seperate email she does not know about. Either end this now or be prepared for him to hang on for eternity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 Carhill is right. If he didn't have a penis and was a girl you would not be in this dilema. He is drawn to you. When his wife closed shop , he got upset and initiated contact with you. I think he truly misses you. He can't get you out of his system. But you are not HERE for him. You have your own life. Keeping secrets from his wife is a HUGE red flag ! .......Seperate email she does not know about. Either end this now or be prepared for him to hang on for eternity. I totally agree! I've never had a friend, male or female, be this desperate to keep me in their lives, ESPECIALLY when he's likely risking his marriage to talk to me! I couldn't imagine a female being this way towards another female friend anyways, unless there was something behind it. lol Ugh, he's so confusing! He's not gonna tell his wife he's been talking to me. I've told him to, but as jealous as she is (as he's portrayed her to be), it'd be grounds for divorce i'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 Oh and i've tried ending it! I did so a month ago, i said i can't do this anymore knowing you're talking to me and keeping me a secret from your wife. He said and i quote "ok, if thats the way you want it, i can handle it". Then he goes on about thanks for being my friend for all those years, yadda yadda. That was that. Or so i thought until he emailed me this past Thurs (after a month of no contact), just going on about what he's been up to and stuff. And i was just dumbfounded! was like, HELLO?! I thought we said our farewells?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Oh and i've tried ending it! I did so a month ago, i said i can't do this anymore knowing you're talking to me and keeping me a secret from your wife. He said and i quote "ok, if thats the way you want it, i can handle it". Then he goes on about thanks for being my friend for all those years, yadda yadda. That was that. Or so i thought until he emailed me this past Thurs (after a month of no contact), just going on about what he's been up to and stuff. And i was just dumbfounded! was like, HELLO?! I thought we said our farewells?!?![/QUOTE] There are no * farewells * with this guy. He is attracted to you , risks his marriage for you , keeps secrets to talk to you. What more do you need ? He is hooked Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 He has said a lot of things in the past couple weeks but he said bottom line was that he hates loosing friendships especially close ones and he tries his best to hang on to them. I told him in an email that i will never understand why he'd risk his marriage over a friend. He never responded to that. I'm getting the feeling that he's not drawn to me romantically even though it was starting to seem that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 He has said a lot of things in the past couple weeks but he said bottom line was that he hates loosing friendships especially close ones and he tries his best to hang on to them. I told him in an email that i will never understand why he'd risk his marriage over a friend. He never responded to that. I'm getting the feeling that he's not drawn to me romantically even though it was starting to seem that way. Because you are an emotional crutch to him. He is wounded at times and wants to hear your words. I STILL think there is more to this. Men here . How many of YOU would risk your marriage for a girl==friend ??? Link to post Share on other sites
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