Lost in SoCal

[StartingOver101]

Hi All, new here and feeling like I just need to talk. I have done some reading on other posts here and find my feelings and thoughts are not unique and that is comforting to some extent. But I really just need to vent/write down my problems for my own sanity.

 

Two weeks ago, my wife of 19 years decided she wanted a separation (not legal yet). I am devastated, numb, sad, distraught, angry (but not enough), and alone. We have two boys 13 and 17 who I will take care of mon-fri and she will take on weekends.

Now for a little back history … we got married young, 20 and 22, and really didn’t have a lot in common at the get go other than a mutual attraction and love. She was a person who didn’t really know what she wanted at the time and I was wanting stability and love. Things were never great with us and I always felt more like a co-worker/attendant than her friend. I would go to her company functions and she would ignore me. She was and is the kind of person who doesn’t want anyone to do anything for her. She could break her leg and I wouldn’t hear of it till she drove herself home from the hospital in a cast. So as the years went by, I stopped going to her company functions with her as it just made me feel mad and we wouldn’t get along well. Over the last 6 years she has really made a name for herself in the retail management world and travels throughout the world on business. I stayed home and took care of the boys and home AND a full time job which I am good at. My work allowed me to do this and I felt as though I was supporting her and her career over my own. I was ok with this … she made the bigger money and I took care of kids/house/bills/etc. Then 4 years ago she really started to travel a lot and spend 80% of her time either on business trips out of town or work functions in town. Her priority was and is work first. The kids and I seemed to take a backseat to her work and her work friends. The distance grew between us and she wouldn’t admit anything was wrong. She avoided us by staying busy. She would come home from a trip and immediately run to Vegas with her work friends. I did confront her on it and it was always the same, she would try to be around more physically and emotionally. But things never changed. She told me she was not attracted to me physically about a year ago during one of our discussion about this. So I lost 40 lbs and started going to the gym and now look pretty good if I do say so myself. This didn’t fix anything and then in Dec, I confronted her again and told her she needed to make a decision about our relationship. We decided to see counselors but she didn’t want to see a marriage counselor until SHE knew what she wanted. After 5 visits or so to her own counselor … she decided that she was a different person and had experienced so much during her travels that she was no longer attracted to me mentally and we had grown to far apart to fix it. She hadn’t been for a long time but didn’t want to hurt me. She wants a separation as she *thinks* she would like to try living on her own while she decides if she is really done with me. She does want to see other people which hurts a lot. I was not man enough for her, I was not ambitious enough, we don’t have things in common. I tried to share her interests but she wouldn’t share … her friends, her golf, her stomping ground were hers and she didn’t want to share. I have no real close friends and no family in town. I haven’t had the time to make and keep friends or devote much to hobbies as I was and am busy with taking care of everything. The interests and hobbies I have she doesn’t like. I took care of things which allowed her to become who she is at work and allowed her to travel. Now I am paying for it. Talk about role reversals … Obvisouly there is more to this story and more than one side but this is getting long winded so I will save that for another time.

 

Problem now is that we don’t have the money to have her move out and get a separate place. Our house is up for refi in 2 months after 5 year ARM (her idea) and I cant qualify on my own to keep it. She wants the boys and I to stay here while she moves out. Which means I will do all that I have done without any help from her during the week then she says she will take them on weekends. She is never around on weekends (golfing, traveling, casino, sports party with her work friends , etc). So I don’t see how that is going to work. I am so confused and lost at the moment. It hurts to see her and it hurts for her to be away. She says she still loves me but everything else has turned off seemingly over night. She says she has been growing apart from me for 3 years or so and that is why it is easier for her … she has already grieved. Thanks for letting me know hun! I am making reasons why she should stay here (although the money issue is real) but I feel like a wimp by not telling her to get the hell out. I cry and I have had panic attacks a few times over last week and am now on Prestiq which pisses me off as I have always said I would never take depression/anxiety medicine. Wife has been on Effexor for the last 4 years and I really wonder if that did cause some of this. I have asked her not to leave just yet until I can get my head screwed on tighter and we figure out money issues … but I find it so hard to have her here.

 

I should end this as it is getting long, sorry …

 

Kids don’t know yet and I think that will be the lowest point for me.

Her parents don’t know yet as she is afraid to tell them as she feels they will side with me.

I hate text messaging as she gave me a text capable phone for Christmas and ever since, all I get are brief texts from her. Never a call. Not to mention my boys now text me from their rooms. Uggh:(

[2sunny]

welcome socal-

 

sounds like she has probably been cheating for a long while. this would explain her absence physically and emotionally both to you and her boys.

 

her interest and energy is spent somewhere else. if i were you - i'd go to great lengths to find out just what the truth is.

 

i'd also move enough money for you to not have to worry. i'd check her cell phone, look for separate bank account, email (yep, put a keylogger on the one she uses), place a few voice activated recorders in her bag or purse or car or travel suitcase... heck - put one in all of those places (they makes some that look like a pen or lighter).

 

find the truth! she is most likely cheating. protect yourself and your kids. she is obviously a very selfish woman who doesn't intend to participate in the family dynamics.

 

i would change the locks and tell her she's out.

 

what she does from there is for her to figure out. she finds enough money to go to Vegas when she pleases - she'll find enough money to get a place on her own.

 

this shows her that you have self respect and a boundary for your own happiness. MAKE HER UNCOMFORTABLE! this is the only way for her to change. it also will be the only way you will find happiness. decide what your boundary and stick with it.

 

see an attorney and find out what your rights are. she will most likely have to pay you child support and spousal support since she makes more money... find out the law for your state. i could assume you are in California - but i won't assume...

 

get moving, you have to protect yourself and your boy's well being. as much as you can - do not share your info or knowledge with your friends, family or boys (unless it is necessary). shared info can work against you in the long run.

 

so- move money, change locks, fact find (keylogger, voice recorder, bills and where money has been spent, email, cell bill). and prepare for her to be one angry gal... tell her to only be angry at herself. she created this mess and has now asked for it - it's now time for you to take action and be smart. it's hard (believe me) but it's necessary.

 

good luck, let us know what you find out - we're here to help.

[StartingOver101]

Well, all the signs are there that she has or is cheating. Her group of work friends with whom she travels the world with are all single and one is a man whom I have always worried about and questioned her on. When asked she says she has never cheated but they all do I imagine. Trouble is, I sorta believe her but maybe that is me just being blind. I blamed the Effexor for emotional distance and lack of romantic interest ... again maybe me making excuses. She knows I would freak out if I found that she was cheating on me. My last real relationship before her ended when my fiance moved into my roommates room and started dating him while I stayed there (lease and nowhere else to go). Have always had issues with that experience and she knows it.

Question is why do I need to know other than to know? I am not sure I want to find out if finding out does nothing more than hurt me more. If you dont want to hear the answer, dont ask the question is what my mom always said. We have two joint checking accounts although hers is harder for me to track but 90% of money goes into mine now so she wouldnt have much to spend/hide from hers anyways. As for her email, cell, etc .... all work items that I can't touch or access. She doesnt do email from home PC other than check her work email remotely. If I throw her out or try to take money out of our account, she could stop putting money into that account and I wont have monies to pay bills etc. Most of the bills are in my name ... cars are in her name.

I really dont want this to become ugly for so many reasons, we have to work together for kids sake, we have a house that is about to go under, we have a house full of crud that needs to be dealt with, etc.

I know I am being stupid and I shouldnt care and should stand up and be a man, but I am afraid of being alone. I havent been so in 24 years and I have nobody else at the moment. My kids are at that stage where they could care less if I am home or not. My counselor says I cant ask them to fill the gap or help me with this so .. What's left of my family are ... well they can barely take care of themselves and are no support. No good friends to speak of other than a few cyber friends and a few work associates. I need to get friends and find things to do ... trouble is I dont really know how and now I have even less time than before.

[StartingOver101]

It just dawned on me tonight that I can't keep her from leaving and that I have to stop trying. It will be the hardest thing I ever do (hopefully) but I have to let her go if there will ever be chance for us in the future. It is killing us both a little more every time she comes home. Me seemingly more than her as she seems to have happy moments while I have none. She tells me she is excited by the prospect of living on her own. That hurts.

 

I just need the strength to do it ... she is waiting for me to do it.

[Mountains10]

It just dawned on me tonight that I can't keep her from leaving and that I have to stop trying. It will be the hardest thing I ever do (hopefully) but I have to let her go if there will ever be chance for us in the future. It is killing us both a little more every time she comes home. Me seemingly more than her as she seems to have happy moments while I have none. She tells me she is excited by the prospect of living on her own. That hurts.

 

I just need the strength to do it ... she is waiting for me to do it.

 

Hi StartingOver101,

 

You've definitely come to the right place here at LS. There are many seasoned pro's here to help you. I'm still new, even though I've been here for a couple of months.

You're right, you can't stop her from going. It sounds as if she has been emotionally absent from the marriage for sometime now, although, it's tough to admit it to yourself. It will hurt and you will go thru the stages of grieving.

The reason the other poster said that you might want to do some investigative or snooping of your own, is so that you will know. You say that you don't want to know now, because the pain is too tough and you don't want to know the answer. It sounds like your gut feeling is that she is cheating or has at one point. You will want to know, just like we all do, for your piece of mind.

Stick around and listen to those that are trying to help you. It will be tough to take the advice, but pay close attention to those that try and give it to you. Many of and most of us have been thru similar situations.

[StartingOver101]

Well ... I chickened out last night and didnt say anything to her. It was another night of deep sighs from us both and little to no talk. We just dont have anything to say to each other. I still want her physically and that is hard but I refrained from asking her for any intimacy for once. She has giving me some *attention* the last couple of weeks but only because I asked. She is worried that it confuses me/us and it probably does ... I just crave the attention and tell her it is just a release for us both. I am deluding myself and I am getting over that. I am worried about being alone for the rest of my life and I dont know how to beat that feeling. I know it is an issue with self worth/bad self esteem and I am working on that with my doc. But right now ... it is so much for me to take in all at once. The divorce/seperation, raising the kids by myself (although I pretty much have been the last 5 years or so), confronting my emotional issues, taking prescription meds that make me feel tired and disconnected, and of course the money issues and where I and the kids will be living come summer.

I wish I could just turn off my thoughts for awhile. I am planning on taking a week off in Feb and going SOMEWHERE alone but I cant figure out where. I want to be alone but then again I dont. I dont know what I hope to achieve by going away for a bit ... I guess to help me figure out myself and my life but 1 week is not going to get me that far. Should I just get in my car and drive up the coast of Cali and see where I get or take a plane somewhere I have never been? What would I do when I got there other than sit alone in a hotel room somewhere wallowing in my misery? I wish I had answers … I am not good with change and the unknown. I like to know where I will be and what I will be doing for the next foreseeable future and right now all I see is fog.

[LakesideDream]

StartingOver, I went through something very similar 8 years ago. The two differences being my now ex wasn't a professional, she was a worker with an average income, and my two children were new adults, living away from home... finally.

 

I had to start over. No money (gave her the 401k). A small mortgage (small house!), no credit, no friends (new town), no reason to have any hope at all.

 

I spent the first 8 weeks working during the day, making money, drinking Scotch at night until I didn't care. Week nine, discovered I didn't need the Scotch. Week nine realized my wheels hadn't come off, the bills were paid, I had a roof and a bed... and a television to watch.

 

Year one, realized that the world hadn't, and wouldn't come to a halt over my problems.

 

It's been OK since then.

 

You will live through this.

[TrustInYourself]

Deep emotional disconnects. Severe lack of communication, that at this point, can not be overcome without outside support.

 

You are just beginning to take actions that could start to create an atmosphere where change takes place, but at this point, it may be too late.

 

Why is it, we never really respond to anything as men, until we hear about how they are leaving us. That's the part I don't understand. Must be something with the psychology of men. We are dense emotionally. We respond to crisis with huge amounts of energy and commitment.

[StartingOver101]

Well, everyone but me was right! She was and is cheating on me with someone else. Her coworker who I have been worried about for so long. I told her this morning that I had decided it was best for her to leave so we could work things out. Then asked her again if she was seeing anyone else which she once again denied with passion. I believed her ... but then found her work phone and decided to check txt messages. Nothing in the received messages to find and I was happy, then I decided to check her SENT messages and ... there it is was. She was seeing Chris while she was supposed to be out working or going to gym or whatever other excuse she gave me. It was so hurtful as the messages were exactly what I have been craving from her for so long. Dinner plans, quick stop by for ??, good morning sweetheart kisses, etc. I am devastated all over again. I told her to get out and after 6 hours of crying she finially did. I didnt want her to and yet I did. I worried that she would run to her lovers arms. She claims they have only been doing it a few months and have never made love but have done other things. She has never lied to me before that I know of. I told her what I thought of a guy who would do that and she said that he new it was basically over between her and I. I guess I was the only fool who didnt know. I still love her so much and feel like I could forgive her at this point but I am sure that is just my stupid self esteem (lack of) getting in the way again. She told me and the kids she would be back on Monday night after a few days of thinking about it. Whatever ... how can I trust her again? She doesnt think that this relationship will last and thinks she may at some point want me back but ... I just dont know how I could ever forgive her. The fact that she works and travels with this arse would sure get in the way. Love hurts and I dont know if I can trust it again. So sad....

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, everyone but me was right! She was and is cheating on me with someone else.

But didn't you already, on some level, know that this was true? If she's already left on both a practical and emotional level, is it a surprise that she's wandered on a physical level also?

 

For both yourself and your boys, you'll have to hold on and move on. Speaking from experience, you'll find an inner strength and purpose that will surprise you. Were it me, I'd get off the meds (you'll need to be able to think clearly) and get back into IC. You've got a long way to go and much to do. Get started and keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

First step away from the edge, take a deep breath, take some time and space to clear your head. Go NC or at least LC.

 

For now you need to work with your couselor and get your head cleared. Until you and the wife do so, your not in any position to be making any life-altering decisions. Don't go DefCom4 over what is potentially a DefCom1 threat!

 

Don't make short-term decsions that have long-term consequences! Keep your head about you, and work on getting yourself back together.

 

The time to get a divorced? Is when there's no longer any emotions involved. No anger, no hatered, no bitternesss, no love, nothing. When there's no fuel left to burn.

[burning 4 revenge]

try and get as much money from her as you can and try and find the strength within yourself to be a man and shut her out of your life otherwise.

 

do you remember the scene where michael corleone slams the door shut when kay comes to see her kids? now you dont want full custody because you need to get as much money from her as possible, but if you could maintain that kind of emotional distance from her that would be great

 

this is how to act like a man

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPKF3Zj41BU&feature=related

[StartingOver101]

All,

thanks for the replies and support, it means more to me than I would've imagined. I am going to focus on my sons for the time being and try to stay away from meds ... well soon anyways. What does IC and NC and LC mean? Sorry if that is lame but I am not sure.

[Gunny376]

All,

thanks for the replies and support, it means more to me than I would've imagined. I am going to focus on my sons for the time being and try to stay away from meds ... well soon anyways. What does IC and NC and LC mean? Sorry if that is lame but I am not sure.

 

IC = Individual Couseling

LC= Limited Contact

NC = No contact

[Gunny376]

All,

thanks for the replies and support, it means more to me than I would've imagined. I am going to focus on my sons for the time being and try to stay away from meds ... well soon anyways. What does IC and NC and LC mean? Sorry if that is lame but I am not sure.

 

 

The best anti-depressent?

 

The gym! You go pump iron for an hour or two, the XHEX will be the last thing on your mind!

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I've been following this thread...

 

Pretty much what I thought would happen, did.

 

I am so, so sorry.

 

If you let her back in when she feels like coming back, you will likely regret that move for the rest of your days.

 

I know what it's like to have low-self esteem. I feel for you, hon.

 

Very sad, yes.

 

I'm hoping she'll do the humane thing and let you go, so you can move on...

 

...but something tells me, she'll be "confused" for a while.

 

My suggestion: counseling for you, and get your boundaries set. Demand a little respect. You deserve it.

 

Be careful. Be very careful. Especially if she comes back.

[mark982]

she travels the world with these work friends including this man. so i'm assuming he's employed by the same company.i'd tell the powers that be at work about affair.should be company rules about that. plus is he married? don't take this sitting down. let her family, friend , etc know.

[dead-dyke]

she travels the world with these work friends including this man. so i'm assuming he's employed by the same company.i'd tell the powers that be at work about affair.should be company rules about that. plus is he married? don't take this sitting down. let her family, friend , etc know.

 

 

There is a vindictive part of me that agrees w/ this. He, or they, or whomever, didn't think 2ce about your life. Why should you consider their peace and well being? I am getting soooooooooooo tired of reading about these things. Morals. Used to mean something. I can empathize starting - I can empathize...

[burning 4 revenge]

she travels the world with these work friends including this man. so i'm assuming he's employed by the same company.i'd tell the powers that be at work about affair.should be company rules about that. plus is he married? don't take this sitting down. let her family, friend , etc know.

that would be stupid because she is the big earner

 

think with your head a little bit

[StartingOver101]

She told the kids and I that she would be back tomorrow night (Monday) and I am not sure how to handle it. Part of me wants to see what she has to say and another part of me wants to lock her out. I guess I will make her sleep on couch if she does come back. She told the kids on the way out yesterday that she and I were having problems and she was going to stay with her friend Jan for a couple of nights and that she had hurt me badly. I had a talk with the boys last night and they are being very supportive for most part. My oldest (17) seems to not have much to say. Youngest (13) is concerned about me and is helping me a lot today. I told them everything about what was going on and that mom would be back on Monday but probably not for long. I told them that I had found something out that had hurt me badly and that is why she had to leave suddenly. I told them that it was not my idea and that I wanted to save the marriage but I wasnt sure what the next year would bring.

What about my/our savings account? Should I start taking money out of it and stash it or would that be a bad thing? Legally, I am not sure what I can do nor am I sure what I should do. I need and want this divorce to go smoothly for me and the kids. I dont want to hire an attorney because of the costs but we have so many things to 'split' up. She has all the 401k, stocks in her company, cars are in her name, etc. I want to 'stick' it to her but I also dont want to rock the boat and end up regretting it. She wants the kids and I to stay in the house ... the house is not worth anything at the moment as we owe more than the value due to drop in prices. The house ARM is up for readjust in May but we *think* it will only increase the payment a little due to the low interests rates. I/we are talking to our mortgage lady about it now. She has monies going into her own account of which I am a secondary authorized person on but I have no idea how to check its balance etc. I assume that is where she has been getting the money to pay for her dates with this other arse she is seeing. Today has been a very hard day for me as I know she is over at her friends house with him watching the SB game ... of which I have zero interest in watching now thanks to her. I want to protect myself and my children but I dont want to cause issues that will cause her to rethink her position or find some legal reason why I am an unfit parent (depression .. etc). Does the fact that she cheated on me mean anything legally? I guess I need to get some cheap advice on how to proceed.

I long for the day when this is behind me ...I am not a strong person but am trying.

[seibert253]

She told the kids and I that she would be back tomorrow night (Monday) and I am not sure how to handle it. Part of me wants to see what she has to say and another part of me wants to lock her out. I guess I will make her sleep on couch if she does come back. She told the kids on the way out yesterday that she and I were having problems and she was going to stay with her friend Jan for a couple of nights and that she had hurt me badly. I had a talk with the boys last night and they are being very supportive for most part. My oldest (17) seems to not have much to say. Youngest (13) is concerned about me and is helping me a lot today. I told them everything about what was going on and that mom would be back on Monday but probably not for long. I told them that I had found something out that had hurt me badly and that is why she had to leave suddenly. I told them that it was not my idea and that I wanted to save the marriage but I wasnt sure what the next year would bring.

What about my/our savings account? Should I start taking money out of it and stash it or would that be a bad thing? Legally, I am not sure what I can do nor am I sure what I should do. I need and want this divorce to go smoothly for me and the kids. I dont want to hire an attorney because of the costs but we have so many things to 'split' up. She has all the 401k, stocks in her company, cars are in her name, etc. I want to 'stick' it to her but I also dont want to rock the boat and end up regretting it. She wants the kids and I to stay in the house ... the house is not worth anything at the moment as we owe more than the value due to drop in prices. The house ARM is up for readjust in May but we *think* it will only increase the payment a little due to the low interests rates. I/we are talking to our mortgage lady about it now. She has monies going into her own account of which I am a secondary authorized person on but I have no idea how to check its balance etc. I assume that is where she has been getting the money to pay for her dates with this other arse she is seeing. Today has been a very hard day for me as I know she is over at her friends house with him watching the SB game ... of which I have zero interest in watching now thanks to her. I want to protect myself and my children but I dont want to cause issues that will cause her to rethink her position or find some legal reason why I am an unfit parent (depression .. etc). Does the fact that she cheated on me mean anything legally? I guess I need to get some cheap advice on how to proceed.

I long for the day when this is behind me ...I am not a strong person but am trying.

 

1. She does NOT move back into your home. Period, end of story. She chose this, she can find a place to live. Though you may have not been the perfect husband, who is, she's the one who lied and deceived. Now is not the time to care if she's uncomfortable, as a matter of fact if you want her back, right now she needs to see how uncomfortable it will be without you.

2. Contact a good divorce attorney and have divorce papers drawn, and have them served on her. This will let her know your not going to be pushed around and you mean business.

3. Any financial accounts which you have access to, in your name or has your name on, close. Some states are community property states, which makes this legally difficult, consult your attorney on this. Again, show her your not going to be a doormat, and if your going, your going out swinging.

 

From what I've read, the crap about only seeing someone for months is just that, crap. She's been running around for years, you know that, it's just hard to admit it.

Stay strong for you and your kids. They need stability and love right now. I doubt there going to get that from your SBXW.

 

There may come a time when you get the "I made a mistake, I love you and want to come home" talk from her. If you want to save your marriage and work this out, you can, but IT'S ON YOUR TERMS, not hers, and not a compromise. But on the other end of the spectrum, start realizing and prepairing that your marriage is over, and it's time to move on.

[mark982]

so it's ok to cheat and not be outted if they make more money? sometimes there's more to things than money---like what's right and wrong, you know morals.

[teerockness]

All I can say is:

 

You said you're not a strong person. I disagree. You came here looking for help and answers, knowing there were questions that were lingering for too long. That took strength.

 

Well, now you found them. The question is: what to do from here?

 

I agree with others; now is the time for limits and boundaries. You have kids in the mix, and you need to be sensitive to that, but - it's time to stand up for yourself, with quiet strength.

 

Good luck and hang tough.

[Mr. Lucky]

I dont want to hire an attorney because of the costs but we have so many things to 'split' up.

That's like saying I don't want to hire a doctor because of the expense so I'll do the surgery myself. Penny wise and pound foolish. Your situation cries out for pre-emptive legal advice so that you can protect yourself and your boys. Since your case has some unusual conditions, consulting with an attorney that specializes in father's rights should be your first step...

 

Mr. Lucky

[StartingOver101]

Well here I am again ... my *wife* is living at home to help me *cope* with her leaving me. I want her here and I want her gone. She is seeing the other man everyday at work but for the meanwhile, she says she will respect me and not see him outside of work ... sigh, I am so gullible. I am sure they are sneaking around at work for kisses etc. She says she will be honest with me about everything from now on. She is getting her own place as soon as she finds one and I am in a better place mentally. She wants to help get things in order here at home. She still maintains that she is not sure what she wants and doesnt want an official separation or divorce at this point until she or I decide. I *feel* like I am ok with that since I would like to work it out somehow as I still love her. She doesnt know if the guy she is seeing will *work* out or if she will regret her decision so thus her reluctance to file at this point. I know she is just stringing me alone in case she changes her mind but ….

I asked her if she had contacted an attorney and she said she had just to get an idea of what kind of alimony and child support she would have to pay. She wants to work it out as amicably as possible. I called an attorney today and was told there was not much they could tell me until I or she filed. I really dont think she will screw me over since she knows that I am only one of us who has time to care for our kids. She doesn’t want full custody of the kids as it would interfere with her work too much. I know I should just tell her to leave and man up ... but it is so hard! I am slowly getting to that point of anger but not yet. As long as I am married and not officially separated or divorced, I might as well wear a hat that says dont date me ... while she already has a playmate in hand. I want someone to comfort me as she has but I am not in a position at the moment to find one mentally.

If we were to work things out down the road, I dont see how I could live with her traveling and working with her *boyfriend*. I told her that and she said that trust issues would be a big problem but not the only obstacle to overcome. She doesnt want me cause I am a *feeler* and not a *thinker* as she is (she loves to label people via personality test etc). She wants a man who is not soft and warm but strong and driven. Evidently my taking care of the family, house, and full time job was not driven enough for her.

 

Please dont yell at me for not kicking her out and being a man. I want to but I dont have it in me now. I am just talking to try to work things out for myself mentally …