Lost in SoCal

[Mountains10]

Well here I am again ... my *wife* is living at home to help me *cope* with her leaving me. I want her here and I want her gone. She is seeing the other man everyday at work but for the meanwhile, she says she will respect me and not see him outside of work ... sigh, I am so gullible. I am sure they are sneaking around at work for kisses etc. She says she will be honest with me about everything from now on. She is getting her own place as soon as she finds one and I am in a better place mentally. She wants to help get things in order here at home. She still maintains that she is not sure what she wants and doesnt want an official separation or divorce at this point until she or I decide. I *feel* like I am ok with that since I would like to work it out somehow as I still love her. She doesnt know if the guy she is seeing will *work* out or if she will regret her decision so thus her reluctance to file at this point. I know she is just stringing me alone in case she changes her mind but ….

I asked her if she had contacted an attorney and she said she had just to get an idea of what kind of alimony and child support she would have to pay. She wants to work it out as amicably as possible. I called an attorney today and was told there was not much they could tell me until I or she filed. I really dont think she will screw me over since she knows that I am only one of us who has time to care for our kids. She doesn’t want full custody of the kids as it would interfere with her work too much. I know I should just tell her to leave and man up ... but it is so hard! I am slowly getting to that point of anger but not yet. As long as I am married and not officially separated or divorced, I might as well wear a hat that says dont date me ... while she already has a playmate in hand. I want someone to comfort me as she has but I am not in a position at the moment to find one mentally.

If we were to work things out down the road, I dont see how I could live with her traveling and working with her *boyfriend*. I told her that and she said that trust issues would be a big problem but not the only obstacle to overcome. She doesnt want me cause I am a *feeler* and not a *thinker* as she is (she loves to label people via personality test etc). She wants a man who is not soft and warm but strong and driven. Evidently my taking care of the family, house, and full time job was not driven enough for her.

 

Please dont yell at me for not kicking her out and being a man. I want to but I dont have it in me now. I am just talking to try to work things out for myself mentally …

 

StartingOver,

 

So what you're saying is, your wife is out banging another man and she can't decide if she wants you or him, so if things work out with him, then you're history, but if he dumps her, then you're the backup?

Come on, you know you're better than that. You can't see it because you're in the midst of the emotion of it. Re-read your post, and read it as if you were reading a stranger's post. You know it doesn't make any sense that you are waiting for her to come home. I know it hurts, but when they cheat, you can't trust them anymore. The people here are trying to give you sound advice, no one's yelling at you, if we didn't like you we wouldn't try and give you advice in the first place. You need to put her out, don't put up with a cheater like that. She's walking on you like a doormat. You need to man up and show her who's really in charge of the relationship. It's strong advice, but do you think she'll respect you more since you are tolerating this behavior? Think again.

[StartingOver101]

Ouch, that one hit home Mountains! I didnt meant that you all yell as I know you are just being kind and trying to help and I VERY much appreciate it!!!

 

I am just very confused and hurting and trying to sort out my feelings so it helps to talk them out. I hear what you all are saying and it is sinking in ... just slowly. Please keep trying!

 

I think I need some time away from home and kids and her to help sort out my feelings. I am planning on going away for a week later this month when work will allow ... gonna prolly do a road trip up the coast and go where the wind blows me.

[Mountains10]

Ouch, that one hit home Mountains! I didnt meant that you all yell as I know you are just being kind and trying to help and I VERY much appreciate it!!!

 

I am just very confused and hurting and trying to sort out my feelings so it helps to talk them out. I hear what you all are saying and it is sinking in ... just slowly. Please keep trying!

 

I think I need some time away from home and kids and her to help sort out my feelings. I am planning on going away for a week later this month when work will allow ... gonna prolly do a road trip up the coast and go where the wind blows me.

 

 

StartingOver,

 

My intentions weren't to hurt your feelings, if I did, I apologize. I'm just trying to be blunt. It won't be easy regardless, you just have to realize what you are up against. I wanted you to understand the seriousness of the situation. You are better than that, you don't need a woman to walk on you like this. This is a marriage and she isn't respecting you or her vows, she's thrown that out the window. I'm just saying, you need to let her know that you won't tolerate it. Do you think it would be ok, if the shoe was on the other foot? Could you see telling her that you were going to try another woman out and if it didn't work out, you'd be back? Of course not, so why tolerate it from her?

[pelicanpreacher]

I hate to say this friend but your wife has openly called you a wimp with her "you're a feeler" remark and is brazenly cuckolding you without deference to your desire to reconcile the marriage for she doesn't even care one whit about your lack of trust regarding her infidelity. Note that she has also stipulated that when it comes to divorce she will also make the call even though she belatedly included the option that you might file on your own. The question that begs, therefore, is have you always been, at your core, the time of man she describes or did you somehow morph your demeanor into someone she feels is subservient to her?

 

It takes all kinds to twirl the world so I don't judge but if you are who she defines you to be then expect to get run over by her planes, trains, and automobiles! If, however, you're a man with set boundaries and enough honor, dignity, and self-respect to keep the world at bay should ill will come knocking on your door then its your planes, trains, and automobiles she needs to worry about!

 

What's both sad and alarming is that your boys are witnessing how to be a man by observing the actions you've taken and already your 17 year old is growing disdain for you while your 13 year old can only offer his pity. If you cannot man-up for your sake then at least consider the impact of your actions on your sons for they will likely manage their future relationships in accordance to the lessons they've gleaned during the here and now! Running away, btw, would be the worst decision you could make at a time like this for it will only reaffirm your stbx's opinion of your true nature and is destined to be the ultimate catalyst precipitating the final decline of respect and admiration you still may have left in the wary and unblinking eyes of young boys who know too well what a wimp is.

[Surfer Girl]

Perhaps you may want to read the book "Love must be tough'" by James Dobson... It may give you another perspective on respect for yourself.. You are walking on eggshells with her...Not knowing what to do next, because perhaps deep down you do still love her and want to remain in the marriage.... She is on a different path right now... Used to being independent, doing what she wants when she wants.... Stay strong... It sounds like it is all about what she wants... Take care of you... build up the confidence in yourself.... Limited contact... She can't miss you if you are always there....

[giotto]

She doesnt want me cause I am a *feeler* and not a *thinker* as she is (she loves to label people via personality test etc). She wants a man who is not soft and warm but strong and driven. Evidently my taking care of the family, house, and full time job was not driven enough for her.

 

Ouch! This is what my wife told me 13 years ago... I wasn't man enough for her! Just because I worked from home, didn't earn that much and I've always been nice... apart from the fact that I was looking after our son two days a week and doing all the housework... I wished I left her then. It was a big alarm bell, which I should have followed... well, 13 (wasted) years later, I'm now separated...

[imagine]

Listen to Surfer Girl: Photograph evidence, send details to her office.

 

Do all the exposure in one go. Kids -do this to tell them that mom has made a poor choice. Friends. Relatives. All who are relevant - Do this now.

 

Place money elsewhere before it disappears. Keep a record of all activities.

 

Confront the other guy direct, preferably in public.

 

Drop Mr. Feely and start working on your marriage. Now.

[StartingOver101]

Well ... she is finally out and moved into her new apartment and I cant stop crying. I cant handle the thought of waking up alone and not having anyone to share my day with. I cant stand the thought of her sleeping with her boyfriend in her new bed. I am not sure how to cope anymore. My life is over as I knew it ... even if it hasnt been that good for the last few years. I dont know what to do ... I have nobody and am so alone and bored. I wake up and come downstairs and work (I work from home) ... sometimes I shower and dress and other times I just stay in sweats all day. I barely eat and I am so depressed. I am still taking Prestiq but I am not sure if it is helping or if it is and I would be worse without it. I take Xanax 2-3 times a day to stay level. I am still seeing my shrink and that helps but everyone just tells me they are sorry and it will get better. But how do I get there ... I am not a religous person. I believe in God but not organized religion. I pray everyday now for the strength to get by but my prayers to save the marriage went unanswered so I dont know why I bother. I tried Eharmony free match weekend and it told me there were no matches for me in ALL of USA. I tried Craigslist "women looking for men' but my emails go unanswered. I guess nobody wants a wreck like me with so much baggage and freshly seperated (not even officially seperated). My wife came by today to get more stuff from the house and I cried and begged her to come back. I told her I would be a better person ... I would be whatever she wanted me to be. All I ever wanted was to be happy and grow old together with her. My kids are teenagers and dont want to spend time with me and they are going through their own issues with this. I feel like they blame me for their mom leaving ... why would she leave if I wasnt a bad husband/man! Valentines was the worst day of my life. Every commercial, ever store display, every everything was about love and that someone special and there was nobody for me. Please tell me how I am going to make it through this as I cant imagine how at this point!

[overseas2004]

I feel for you as I am going through much of the same thing although we were married only 2 years and we have a nine month old angel who doesnt deserve any of this. I just dont understand where my husbands heart is.

[imagine]

There is a route.

 

Please check the articles at marriagebuilders.com. Please read the stuff and now that your fear is gone. Do it.

 

Come back soon.

[StartingOver101]

Well it has been awhile since I posted on this forum and thought it was time to air where I am at.

My wife is still living on her own AND seeing the other guy she cheated on me with.

I have asked her multiple times to seek couseling for us if for no other reason than to find there is no hope and resolve/end our marriage and she has told me she wasnt ready to and needed more time.

She tells me she doesnt want to have another serious relationship after ending ours but he is ready to take their relationship to the next level she says. She tells me that she only has told her friends that she has moved out for now and hasnt told him anything as to OUR future.

Last Tuesday I told her she had until 5/1 to stop seeing him and go to counseling (even if it turns out that there is nothing to save) OR I WILL file for divorce myself!

I am still very depressed and sad and take life one day at a time. Cant remember yesterday and cant imagine tomorrow but the pain is SLOWLY fading. I am afraid of her decision come 5/1 but feel like it is the only way I can regain control of my life. I cant stay married to her if she is going to continue to see him. She asks how we can handle the trust issue and go forward and while I have my own ideas on the subject, I have just told her that we would have to let the counselor help us figure out the right and fair way to proceed.

She has only seen the kids a few times since moving out and they have yet to sleep over at her place. They will be spending 3 night there this weekend as I have work obligations and cant care for them. She is in Denmark now on business and HE is not with her this time so I am hoping that she will take some time to really think about what she is doing. I have told her I could forgive the affair but that what really bothers me is the way she has, in my opinion, abandoned the children. She claims she hasnt but her actions say otherwise. She rarely does more than text them every few days to say hello. I have stopped texting her nights and mornings to say goodnight/good morning etc. She still tells me she loves me but is just not in love with me. She wears her wedding ring sometimes but I think that maybe just for my benefit and only does so when I see her. Her family is very disappointed in her and while they must still love her since she is family, they cant understand why she is doing what she is doing. They are very supportive with me and call me all the time to talk. I have had dinners with my in-laws twice so far and another planned for later this week. Seeing them is hard as there is little to talk about and we dance around the subject of their daughter and our relationship.

I dont know why I want her back as much as I do ... but I do and I miss her terribly! I want her back for the kids sake as well as for my own.

I am getting on with my life and have reconnected with many of my old friends after living the life of a hermit the last 4 years while I did nothing but take care of kids and home. I am tired of doing everything myself and tired of being alone! I just dont understand her motives etc and cant for life of me understand how she can ditch 19 years of marriage and the children as she has. She says she is a different person and is living the life of traveling on business and party. I dont like who she has become and dont know that I can get back together with her unless she changes some of it.

I fear she is afraid to reconnect as she isnt willing to put in the leg work it would take to get past her guilt, her having to put family at a higher priority, AND I think she feels she has been trying for so long to find a way out of this relationship that she doesnt want to have to go through all that again.

I just wish I knew what was going through her head as she wont share! She has never been a sharing person in regards to her feelings ... I am the 'feeler' and she the 'thinker'!

Will leave off for now as I could go on and on but what's the point? Just wanted to vent and maybe get some reaction to my drawing a line in the sand as far as her decision. Thanks

[Nomad1]

Grow some balls! No wonder she does not respect you. What are you doing raising the children on your own. She is their mother! Let her have them! WTF! You should be out their partying, not looking after kids!

 

Nomad1

[StartingOver101]

Grow some balls I am doing ... but I hardly feel that my abandoning the children is the right thing to do. I am taking care of them as she hasn't and doesnt seem to want to. Not sure your response was all that helpful and I am trying to get a life. She IS their mother but WTH am I suppose to do if she isnt around to take care of them?

[Nomad1]

Look at it this way. If you didn't look after them, she would be the one to do it. Why would a mother not be with her kids? I am sorry, I may be old school, but there is no way no how I would tolerate being stuck with her kids! I know that they are your kids too, but children should be with their mother as the main carer. **** that bull****! Let her have them. You see them when you want to, end of! This is a man's world. This is how things have got to be done. None of that mamby pamby man looking after kids! You are supposed to take them out every now and then to have quality time with them, not be lumbered with kids!

[TrustInYourself]

Look at it this way. If you didn't look after them, she would be the one to do it. Why would a mother not be with her kids? I am sorry, I may be old school, but there is no way no how I would tolerate being stuck with her kids! I know that they are your kids too, but children should be with their mother as the main carer. **** that bull****! Let her have them. You see them when you want to, end of! This is a man's world. This is how things have got to be done. None of that mamby pamby man looking after kids! You are supposed to take them out every now and then to have quality time with them, not be lumbered with kids!

 

I'm curious if you think this enabled his wife's affair?

[Montclair0011]

StartingOver,

 

I just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. I've been there and trust me things will get better for you and you will be better off without this horrible wife who has never appreciated you. This is an opportunity for you to finally have a life!

 

You need to do a few things though to help you get through. One is find yourself a good therapist who will help you figure out why you ended up in this situation in the first place. You have serious self-esteem issues and have given up all power in the relationship to this undeserving woman. You need to learn how to set and maintain boundaries. Make sure you get someone who wants to discuss the issues on a deep level (psychodynamic therapy), not someone who will just tell you to put bad thoughts out of your head.

 

Second you need to spend some time with a divorce lawyer and figure out your options. You do not want to go to a mediator or work things out with this woman without your own lawyer to protect you. Since you have zero power in the relationship with your wife, you do not want her deciding what is and what is not fair for a divorce settlement. Don't discuss anything with her until you talk to a GOOD lawyer.

 

Forget about on-line dating for the time being and work on finding yourself which has been lost for many years.

[mark982]

you need to stop all contact w/ her.sure it will be hard,but she's stringing you along,screwing w/ your head.she's out and out playing games.have you told her "friends" why you seperated?have you told the employer?Is she giving you child support yet?why are you giving her till 5/1,go see a lawyer and get the ball rolling.

[lostsunsets]

File for divorce and take the cars half her 401k. Alimony and child support. You need to file. Don't wait till may 1st. file now. You don't have to sign but get it going. It may clear her fog. I don't know why you want her back. She wasn't a wife anyway.

[imagine]

You are an idiot in your own fog. You have not listened to advice.

 

You have not defended you own marriage from the other guy. You have not exposed the situation to all relevant friends or her work personal. You quit by looking up dates.

 

You are not Startingover 101 - you have never tried.

 

Get "Surviving an Affair" Dr Harley. Do something positive.

[StartingOver101]

Well, let me see if I can give my reasons to the above advice/questions.

I have not told her friends as her friends are the kinda of people that wouldnt care. Her married friends are messing around on their spouses and the unmarried ones are either gay or messing with my wife! They wouldnt care. They are not a moral bunch of people.

I have not told her boss as I dont see any benefit in doing so. Getting her fired wouldnt help me get alimony or child support or anything else.

I HAVE told her family and they all support me and are helping me and the kids as best they can.

Why am I giving her till 5/1 ... well she asked for time. In order for me to feel like I have done all that I can to salvage the relationship and be true to myself, I am giving her the time. I want the kids to see that I at least tried everything I could.

I plan on picking up the paperwork and filling it out, putting in an envelope w/address and stamp, and then having it ready to mail.

I am not totally sure why I want her back. I still see the women that I love hidden in there somewhere. [FONT=&quot]It is covered in a self absorbed persona that only seems to care about herself and her wants and needs without any care about others or what they think about who she has become. [/FONT]I just think we both got confused over the last few years and lost our way. As time goes by I find myself questioning why I want her back more and more and I may find myself not wanting her back.

I told her that she has to stop seeing the other man AND go to marriage counseling. Whether or not the marriage counseling will help I dont know. But I need to know what is going on in her mind and would like closure one way or another.

I HAVE listened to everyone's advice but I have to be true to myself and do what I feel is right.

I see a counselor once a week and have been doing so since December and have made a lot of progress but still have a long way to go.

I do not feel like some mamby pamby man for having raised the kids by myself as some have suggested. That is archaic thinking in my opinion. We are not living in the 'Leave it to Beaver' years anymore and I dont feel like there is anything wrong with being a dad. Sure there role reversal in all this sucks as it is usually the dad that travels and does this to the wife but things are a changing.

I have defended my marriage as best I can short of going in to her work and punching out the guys which sounds nice but would accomplish nothing.

As for contact with her ... I have giving her the deadline and have stopped contact with her since then as much as possible given that we have children and bill to pay still. Our money is still being deposited in a joint account which I pay all bills from and monitor for 'leaks' on her part. I will not talk to her again unless I have to due to the above reason UNTIL 4/30 ... then I file.

I dont understand why people call me an idiot and say I dont listen to advice. I am listening to everyones advice but I have MANY people telling me MANY different things so I have to sort it out and do what I feel it right. Yes, I am living in a fog as that is what this does ... but the fog is lifting and I am trying.

Thanks for all the advice!

[SRV]

StartingOver, I feel for you. Could it be that you are just prolonging the inevitable? If she really wanted to work on this with her heart in it, why would she have to wait until 05/01 or why would you have to give that ultimatum? Don't you honestly think that if she really cared and wanted to work on this marriage she would do so now rather than later or tomorrow?

 

In this situation, don't you think it would be best to file now, and start considering life without her as it seems it might end up coming to this? So you can at least start adopting now to your new reality rather than later?

[mendsley]

StartingOver101, you have to understand that the people here has seen this a hundred times and know the outcome. I hate to say it but, if you really look at statistics you will see that what they tell you is the correct thing to do.

 

Before you even knew they called the affair! Because they have seen all this before it is all too common. DO NOT look at the advice as a personal attack towards you, all this is modivation. You really have came to the right place for advice, everyone here has helped me soooo much, I even pay a counselor a lot of money and he tells me the same stuff my friends here do!

 

My wife had an affair on me and it is the hardest thing to deal with, it really does suck. You have to understand one thing, you are addicted to her bio-chemically (thanks Gunny:D). What that means is your mind wants something soooo bad it blocks out all rational thinking. You have to force yourself to gain control of your mind.

 

I am a very passive person, peole look at that as being weak and a door mat, I recognize that about me so, I am working on that. You have to do things to better yourself. Things that will stimulate your mind in a positive way.

 

Here is what I am doing:

Every day I go work out at the gym for 1 hour than do some cardio for .5 hours.

 

Make sure I get 7 -8 hours rest, very important.

 

Do not self-medicate

 

Go and hang with friends and family that are not associated with her

 

Do as many things as you can to build a better relationship with your kids, they are almost out and they will bring happiness

 

I also am having a bad time dealing with my loss, it has been 6 months now and one thing is true, TIME will allow the pain to subside. You have to feel this pain and understand what is going on with the pain to heal properly. One last thing people can tell you "awwwww don't worry about her, F her", it is good advice and you should try to fight all urges of thinking about her, it only rips the bandaid off.

 

Remeber you are NO LONGER the most important person in her life, why should let her control your every thought??

 

You need to understand boundries and apply them!

 

DO NOT STOP POSTING, you need to talk and vent. We all are her for YOU so BRING IT

 

Read ALLOT! Buy audio books and stay an track of helping YOU!

 

MIKE

[TrustInYourself]

Self respect goes a long way. She doesn't want time to think about your relationship. She wants time to fool around.

 

Put yourself first, and she'll start noticing. Put consequences on the table for her to deal with and she'll respect you and actually start to consider moving forward with a decision.

 

Separation is just an avenue to prove yourself. You've proved what in this time? That you are codependent and weak enough to cling to someone who would totally trash your marriage with infidelity?

[StartingOver101]

I put a deadline on the table and have told her that if she doesnt start spending more time with the kids I will file for 100% custody.

My shrink, her family, and my friends think my deadline is fair. It is MY deadline and is only 6 weeks away. Once this time hits, I will file and go on with my life. But, for now, I AM working on me by reuniting with old friends, doing things more often with the children, taking up golf, planning on taking guitar lessons, etc.

I AM trying to not think about her as it only pulls me back under ... but it is hard.

I am trying to go to the gym but since I have trouble eating and have lost 60lbs over the last 9 months or so ... my energy levels are so low that working out is hard. But I havent given up and AM eating better but it will take time to recover physically from lack of food. I TRY to sleep as much as possible as it allows me to NOT think of her. I go to bed at 9 but usually wake up around 1-3 in the am and lay awake thinking about my future so sleep is another problem at the moment.

My self respect is a problem but I can report that it is getting better and I look at myself as more of a success now than a failure! My anchor (for those that now this process) is my devotion to my children (along with others but that is main one) and I apply this to all my self perceived failures to negate them.

I WILL not agree to any terms without consulting a lawyer (not a mediator) first regardless of the expense and I will seek one specializing in fathers' right divorce law.

What other consequence can I put in front of her other than filing for divorce and demanding she spend more time with the kids? Other than having limited contact with her ...

I will take her for every penny I can and have no problems with that and she knows it!

 

As I said, I am questioning more and more WHY I want her back! I too read the article in the March 2009 Men's Health magazine titled ' The Science of Heartbreak' regarding the male chemistry behind men being dumped and found it very interesting that WE ARE addicited to the relationship and that explains a lot of why and what I am going through!

[mark982]

ok, so you decided to give her till 5/1, now you gotta do some work. document everything,dates kids stayed w/ you money tou spent, amount your wife gave you 4 the kids, amount of time she called,where and when,texts,calls,visits.believe me if it comes to divorce she'll try to make it sound like she's the best thing since sliced bread.will your in-laws back your butt,when divorce comes and stand on your side?but i would still get lawyer involved for child support.by keeping joint accounts you are indirectly enabeling her to maintaine her lifestyle.let her paycheck be garnished,you have to in some small degree protect yourself.