Rafa Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I haven't been using these forums too much lately, but I wanted to post a thread to show how things can turn out. Who knew...? Quick recap: So I split from a 1yr & 8mth relationship at around Aug/Sept last year. I was dumped and it hurt like hell. It was awful at first. Like many people here I went through all the usual horror experiences, of extreme pain, going out of my mind, giving in to calling her, loneliness, anxiety about the future, you name it. It sucked. Anyway, slowly but surely - after several periods of no contact - I got my sh*t together. I threw myself into the dating world with a kind of fake-it-til-you-make-it attitude until I really got the hang of being around girls again. Through it all, I missed my ex, but I soldiered on. Sometimes she texted me here and there, but I mostly just brushed her off. (Anyway it was always the same bullsh*t... "you're such an awesome guy, blah blah blah, but it was the right decision", etc). I ended up with a rebound girlfriend and a very nonchalant attitude toward girls, in other words I just wasn't bothered with the outcome, which seemed to make them even more interested. I dumped the rebound girl (very interesting being the dumpee this time around) and began multi dating about 3 or 4 girls. I had never been this popular, it was amazing! I still kind of missed the ex... even had sad moments, but then out of nowhere I met someone so frikken special that every other girl on the planet meant nothing in an instant. I got rid of all the other dates and counted myself pretty lucky. This girl was more interesting, funnier, hotter, more sincere, slimmer and just plain more everything than my ex. In fact the ex was just about gone from my thoughts (it's amazing how a new love can fast-track that along).... ...Until today. The ex called me this morning and said ..."I really need to speak with you. Things have not gone so well for me. I had a breakdown, I'm on Prozac, my friends have deserted me, I am probably losing my job, etc etc". OMG. I said it wasn't a good time but we could chat in a couple of days. I hate to hear that she's in strife... but man, by now I thought she'd be out there, really happy, met some new dude, etc etc, loving life. How the wheel turns... Should I even be nice to this girl who totally abandoned me and broke my heart? She's acting like she made a huge mistake. Funny old world. A few months ago I would've cut off my right arm to have a second chance with this girl! Anyway, I thought this was worth a post, for all you guys who are at the beginning of the pain, and think that things will never change - hang in there 1 Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I haven't been using these forums too much lately, but I wanted to post a thread to show how things can turn out. Who knew...? Quick recap: So I split from a 1yr & 8mth relationship at around Aug/Sept last year. I was dumped and it hurt like hell. It was awful at first. Like many people here I went through all the usual horror experiences, of extreme pain, going out of my mind, giving in to calling her, loneliness, anxiety about the future, you name it. It sucked. Anyway, slowly but surely - after several periods of no contact - I got my sh*t together. I threw myself into the dating world with a kind of fake-it-til-you-make-it attitude until I really got the hang of being around girls again. Through it all, I missed my ex, but I soldiered on. Sometimes she texted me here and there, but I mostly just brushed her off. (Anyway it was always the same bullsh*t... "you're such an awesome guy, blah blah blah, but it was the right decision", etc). I ended up with a rebound girlfriend and a very nonchalant attitude toward girls, in other words I just wasn't bothered with the outcome, which seemed to make them even more interested. I dumped the rebound girl (very interesting being the dumpee this time around) and began multi dating about 3 or 4 girls. I had never been this popular, it was amazing! I still kind of missed the ex... even had sad moments, but then out of nowhere I met someone so frikken special that every other girl on the planet meant nothing in an instant. I got rid of all the other dates and counted myself pretty lucky. This girl was more interesting, funnier, hotter, more sincere, slimmer and just plain more everything than my ex. In fact the ex was just about gone from my thoughts (it's amazing how a new love can fast-track that along).... ...Until today. The ex called me this morning and said ..."I really need to speak with you. Things have not gone so well for me. I had a breakdown, I'm on Prozac, my friends have deserted me, I am probably losing my job, etc etc". OMG. I said it wasn't a good time but we could chat in a couple of days. I hate to hear that she's in strife... but man, by now I thought she'd be out there, really happy, met some new dude, etc etc, loving life. How the wheel turns... Should I even be nice to this girl who totally abandoned me and broke my heart? She's acting like she made a huge mistake. Funny old world. A few months ago I would've cut off my right arm to have a second chance with this girl! Anyway, I thought this was worth a post, for all you guys who are at the beginning of the pain, and think that things will never change - hang in there it's too bad she's going through this, but..........she lost all rights to your sympathy, support or action after she broke up with you. Too bad for her, but it ain't your problem anymore brother, stay the course with what you got now! Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I agree: These are her problems, not yours. This is not life-and-death. She can go to her family or a professional for help. Not only that, but if you foray into any kind of "second chance" with a woman who is broke and depressed, you might as well play with fire at the Exxon station. I don't know if you're considering it, but don't. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'd look at it this way- It took her falling into a depression, being abandoned by her friends, losing her job, to get back in touch with you? I wouldn't be flattered by that. Why damage what you have going with this new "stable" girl that makes you happy, to help out an ex that caused you so much pain. Stick with this healthy girl. Don't get sucked back into your ex's drama. She did lose any right to your support or sympathy when she dumped you and broke your heart. I'd text her back- "look, I am sorry you are having a hard time, but I met someone and I think it's best you turn to someone else for support". End of story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BackonTrack2 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I second D-List comments with "look, I am sorry you are having a hard time, but I met someone and I think it's best you turn to someone else for support". and then would add something along the lines of "I wish you the best of luck" Link to post Share on other sites
Ramrod Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I would have listened to about one minute of her sob story and then cut-her-off abruptly with a "I'm glad we had a chance to get caught up...gotta go BYE!" Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I second D-List comments with "look, I am sorry you are having a hard time, but I met someone and I think it's best you turn to someone else for support". and then would add something along the lines of "I wish you the best of luck" I couldn't think of a better way to hammer home that the OP has moved on than to announce he has met someone else! Link to post Share on other sites
Trinibeauty Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 its sad that she only came back to you when she is sad and lonely and things arent really going well for her, just be a friend to her make it clear that she hurt you really bad before and you arent sure what she will do when she happens to get back on her feet again, at first i felt for her but i dont think so anymore. Maybe you need a female who will respect and love you for who you truly are babes.. Link to post Share on other sites
Trinibeauty Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 one more thing ha ha like they say... Karma is a B@#! (i dont usually curse by the way lol) Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 She's not your problem anymore! You've got someone new and great. Hang on to that and let your ex wallow in the mess she made for herself. She didn't really care about you when she moved on with her life. Why should you care now? You don't owe her anything! Link to post Share on other sites
lilmrcheerful Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 You must have been a really nice person to her for her to want to come back and admit the mess she's made, but of course, I think she also sincerely underestimated your tolerance because she somehow thinks that she can wave a note or phone call to you and things will be the same again?? My fear? I will be posting something like this sometime in the future because my ex gf I think has the same notion as yours - that in an instant she could change her mind and have everything back as it was. I think these people sincerely underestimate us and are exceptionally unstable and dysfunctional, and will always be... Steer clear... Good luck with your new love, she sounds great as you do ! Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rafa Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Thanks guys for all the replies. Someone said this to me which I thought was relevant: "Dont let someone become a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs." Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I agree that you need to let her know you've moved on and then go back to non contact Whatever you do, don't be her shoulder to cry on, please, no half hearted attempts just because you care. I had to have a browse through your posts to find out what the story was on this one because they way you've phrased it, well something doesn't quite sit with me. Well it seems that the split was because she wanted you to move in with her and you didn't want that and you couldn't find a compromise. So please, stop this stuff about the priority/option stuff. I don't think you are as hard done by as you make it sound. You are more of a catalyst in this breakup than you are making it sound. Because, if you weren't, believe me she wouldn't be calling you when she's down and out on her luck. Now look, we've all been finished with by someone who decided we weren't good enough for them. That hurts like hell. But this woman finished with you because you chose your career over her. You could have found another job. You found another girlfriend instead. So now it's time for you to reinforce that was the path you chose and there is no going back, and you're not there to pick up her pieces. I really think you guys should leave each other alone. But somehow I'm getting the impression you're going to make things worse for her. I don't know why but it sounds to me already that you're going to let this play out while resenting her for the breakup. That's a really terrible way to go, so please do the right thing, explain your position to her and go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rafa Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 I agree that you need to let her know you've moved on and then go back to non contact Whatever you do, don't be her shoulder to cry on, please, no half hearted attempts just because you care. I had to have a browse through your posts to find out what the story was on this one because they way you've phrased it, well something doesn't quite sit with me. Well it seems that the split was because she wanted you to move in with her and you didn't want that and you couldn't find a compromise. So please, stop this stuff about the priority/option stuff. I don't think you are as hard done by as you make it sound. I really think you guys should leave each other alone. But somehow I'm getting the impression you're going to make things worse for her. I don't know why but it sounds to me already that you're going to let this play out while resenting her for the breakup. That's a really terrible way to go, so please do the right thing, explain your position to her and go NC. Thanks for your reply CommitmentPhobe. I'm intrigued to know what 'didn't sit right' with you, as I have only told things exactly as they are. The technicalities of the breakup involved her initially wanting me to throw away my business to move in with her - a small town miles away in the middle of nowhere - whilst at the same time being expected to keep bringing in a decent amount of money. All the compromising came from me because I wanted to keep things together, but in the end she gave up on us because she wasn't willing to compromise at all and because she thought she could get a lifestyle upgrade from some other sucker closer to home. What I felt after the split was very real. I'm not trying to paint a picture of me being especially 'hard done by', I'm just telling it how it is/was, and what I genuinely went through as a result. What makes you think I'm going to 'make things worse for her'? She created this whole situation. I rebuilt my confidence over a period of months whilst resisting her the best I could, and at times it was extremely difficult. Now she has contacted me because she needs someone to talk to. You must think I'm pretty evil if you think I'm going to use this as a chance to get revenge. She obviously knows me a bit better than that. At the very least I'm going to hear her out as she has made it clear that she is at a low ebb with nobody to talk to. I do not resent what she did, I am indifferent at this point, but we're talking about a woman I used to love. Yes, there is some satisfaction in knowing that I picked myself up and dusted myself off instead of unravelling. Karma has a funny way of slowly resetting the balance, I've seen it a few times now in my life, so no, i don't have a problem with 'doing the right thing'. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 What makes you think I'm going to 'make things worse for her'? Read on... She created this whole situation. I rebuilt my confidence over a period of months whilst resisting her the best I could, and at times it was extremely difficult. Ok... Now she has contacted me because she needs someone to talk to. You must think I'm pretty evil if you think I'm going to use this as a chance to get revenge. Revenge, now that's interesting because that's not what I was implying at all. From the quote above, your initial post, it's pretty obvious you harbour resentment about the breakup. So why would you be a good person to talk to? At the very least I'm going to hear her out As I said... you will let this play as she has made it clear that she is at a low ebb with nobody to talk to. And I think it's pretty obvious you are a pretty bad person for her to talk to. You harbour resentment, you are an ex, there is no way you can give any consistency to her. Hearing her out? Where does this lead to? Are you going to be able to be there for her? no, you will not. Like I said, the right thing for you is to nip this in the bud. I do not resent what she did, I am indifferent at this point Sorry, I don't believe you. That's what doesn't sit right with me. What you're projecting is quite different to what you're telling yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 U moved on and im with you guys...she is not your problem anymore...her fu** ups her problem... I wouldn't just ignore her cause she's just going to keep trying to contact you anyways but if i were you i'd make it very clear listen i'm sorry to hear that but i'm getting ready to go pick up my gf at work or something along those lines if you can't flat out tell her sorry i can't help you cause you screwed me over...yor problem Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rafa Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 From the quote above, your initial post, it's pretty obvious you harbour resentment about the breakup. So why would you be a good person to talk to? Actually in my initial post, I said "I met someone so frikken special that every other girl on the planet meant nothing to me in an instant....In fact my ex was just about gone from my thoughts" In other words, I'm over it. And because of that I'm a good person to talk to. Also because I know her so well, and I'm good at cheering her up. I am that guy that everybody comes to with their problems anyway; I tend to make people feel better about stuff. As I said... you will let this play Hearing her out and explaining my new situation to her is hardly 'letting this play out'.... that implies a lot more, as well you know. Sorry, I don't believe you. That's what doesn't sit right with me. What you're projecting is quite different to what you're telling yourself. Oh please. Dude if you saw my new girlfriend, and how happy we are with each other, I do think you'd find it hard to see me as a man full of resentment! If anything I'd probably be more likely to thank my ex for making me single again and contributing to this incredible result. Not to mention all the work I did on myself in the last few months. I'm grateful! I'd be interested to know if other people think I'm coming across as bitter and full of resentment. This thread was meant for guys who were at the beginning of the process. I decided to post it because I could've done with a thread like this during those low moments when I was anxious about the future and couldn't conceive of a way through. You are not one of those people. It's funny how differently people can interpret things, but either way, I tend to agree with the majority of the replies I've had here and I know now how I'm going to play this. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Actually in my initial post, I said "I met someone so frikken special that every other girl on the planet meant nothing to me in an instant....In fact my ex was just about gone from my thoughts" In other words, I'm over it. And because of that I'm a good person to talk to. Also because I know her so well, and I'm good at cheering her up. I am that guy that everybody comes to with their problems anyway; I tend to make people feel better about stuff. So, as I thought, you've convinced yourself that you'll be a perfect shoulder to cry on. Now don't forget to tell her how awesome your new girlfriend is and to thank her for breaking up with you when you're holding her hand at the doctors! You certainly sound like the guy that cheers everyone up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rafa Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 So, as I thought, you've convinced yourself that you'll be a perfect shoulder to cry on. Now don't forget to tell her how awesome your new girlfriend is and to thank her for breaking up with you when you're holding her hand at the doctors! You certainly sound like the guy that cheers everyone up. Haha. Whatever dude. I have no intention of doing the whole "my life is so great now" routine. I already decided that this is about her, not about me. You know, it strikes me that you just imagine that this is how most people generally do things... that people just err on side of selfishness. Perhaps because that is how your mind works, and that is what you're accustomed to. It may well be inconceivable to you that there are decent folks out there, who do not walk around with a chip on their shoulder, harboring bitterness and resentment, but hopefully I can be the first step towards you opening your mind up to that hitherto foreign possibility. Believe me, we're not all a bunch of tossers. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Haha. Whatever dude. I have no intention of doing the whole "my life is so great now" routine. I already decided that this is about her, not about me. No you really haven't. Because if it was about her you would walk away right now. What you're going to do instead is let her form an emotional attachment to you all over again then walk away when she really needs you. You know, it strikes me that you just imagine that this is how most people generally do things... that people just err on side of selfishness. Perhaps because that is how your mind works, and that is what you're accustomed to. It may well be inconceivable to you that there are decent folks out there, who do not walk around with a chip on their shoulder, harboring bitterness and resentment, but hopefully I can be the first step towards you opening your mind up to that hitherto foreign possibility. Believe me, we're not all a bunch of tossers. No, not most people. But I can spot someone being (self) decietful a mile off. I'm not changing my opinion and that's all I have to say on it. If it's not the truth then I'm sure you'll brush it off easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rafa Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 No you really haven't. Because if it was about her you would walk away right now. What you're going to do instead is let her form an emotional attachment to you all over again then walk away when she really needs you. No, not most people. But I can spot someone being (self) decietful a mile off. I'm not changing my opinion and that's all I have to say on it. If it's not the truth then I'm sure you'll brush it off easily. Except that at this point in the proceedings there isn't even any room for deceit! I've merely said that I had a sh*t time, and now the ex has called. You act as if I have some plan worked out to trick her into something. You're just one of those devils advocate types who has to try and throw a spin on everything and are too proud to ever back down.I can spot it a mile off. Anways, I'm off out now with my girlfriend. It's going to be hard to enjoy myself with all the bitterness and resentment I'm carrying around... but hey, I'll see what I can manage! Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Except that at this point in the proceedings there isn't even any room for deceit! I've merely said that I had a sh*t time, and now the ex has called. You act as if I have some plan worked out to trick her into something. No, you're the one that keeps going on about revenge and tricks. I'm telling you you are kidding (aka decieving) yourself if you think you can be a shoulder to cry on for your ex. "She sounded like she had made a big mistake" etc. etc. You've already assigned her an agenda here. But yeah ok, I'm sure this is going to be a simple uncomplicated one sided thing where you just give her lots of support because you're such a great guy, she accepts your new girlfriend and everyone goes home happy Wake up dude, this isn't an episode of home & away. You're just one of those devils advocate types who has to try and throw a spin on everything and are too proud to ever back down.I can spot it a mile off. That's nice. But no. Anways, I'm off out now with my girlfriend. It's going to be hard to enjoy myself with all the bitterness and resentment I'm carrying around... but hey, I'll see what I can manage! Don't forget to tell her about the investment your about to make in your ex. The one that "abandoned you", the one that wants a "sucker" for a boyfriend. I'm sure she'll love you more for it and completely understand how you can't walk away being a kind hearted guy and all without a bad word to say about his ex... Link to post Share on other sites
justletgo07 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 CommittmentPhobe, I'm not exactly sure what you are trying to acheive here. You appear to be reading things in this situation that don't seem to be there. You're of course welcome to your opinion, and clearly you have no problems stating it. I am curious though...what is your interpretation of why Rafa's ex contacted him? If they haven't spoken in months, what could he have done to mislead her into thinking that he would or wouldn't be a good person to come to when she has a problem? You seem to be painting his ex as some sort of "innocent victim" here, and I am struggling to understand your reasoning. Perhaps you could enlighten the rest of us. I suppose I can't speak for everyone, but I'm having trouble following you... Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Perhaps what is happening here is an ex girlfriend is really down and out and turns to the person she feels can help her... Perhaps Committphopia is trying to relate by helping her he is sending a message of hope and knowing there is no help in regards to getting back together, perhaps it is best she does not rely on the man she thinks may help her.... If he doesn't want to reconcile... it is best he doesn't reply... Only then, will she understand he has moved on and she needs to find help and support from some one else that does care and wants to continue in a caring relationship... Perhaps he wants to help because he cares and does not necessarily want to get back together but still feels for her... His best recourse is to let her know he has moved on and the best way to do that is not to respond... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Thanks guys for all the replies. Someone said this to me which I thought was relevant: "Dont let someone become a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs." That used to be my tag line Link to post Share on other sites
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