Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 dude seriously why do you guys have to put everything so black and white? Why are YOU looking at this situation in a vacuum, rather than at her entire history with this guy? and i think you guys judging my personality and relationship style is really inappropriate in this thread... I think it's wholly appropriate, and NECESSARY. Each poster's history and background is totally relevant to the advice they provide. Someone who lets others walk all over them isn't really the best person to provide advice to someone who's trying to stand firm and set boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 However that is nowhere NEAR as good as LB's guys' line: 'sorry, I am staying in to get drunk and play with my orks tonight.' LOL!!! ! That is so hot The following comes from Wikipedia: The Orks are a race from the fictional Warhammer 40,000 universe. They are in some ways equivalent to Warhammer Fantasy Orcs, particularly in terms of their physical appearance, but vary in some biological and cultural details (though they still go to war because they think it is fun). They are seen by their enemies (everyone else, and sometimes each other) as savage, warlike and crude, but they are the most numerous species in the whole galaxy. However, the power of the Ork race as a whole is limited since they are split into countless tiny empires, often warring between themselves. In the rare occasion that the Orks ever do unite, they are capable of destroying whole civilizations in a massive migration-invasion known as a Waaagh! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 wow star gazer you are soooo presumptuous.. we should compare relationships sometime and see who's been more successful... This coming from the SERIAL GIRLFRIEND?!?! She may not be willing to sell herself short just to keep a man, which is why some people don't stay with one person for a long time until they meet someone who is worthy. I've definitely been with some...losers. And yes, I didn't stay with any of them for long because they simply weren't worthy. I had to let go of MY doormat status to get to where I currently AM. I hope (PRAY!) LB does the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 This entire situation makes me want to scream. If only LB knew how good she COULD have it......... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I will prob get totally sacked for what I am going to say but, big deal if he wants to hang out with his friend and watch the game. Why cant you just go off and do your own thing and visit your folks on your own? Let the guy hang out have some beers with his mate and watch sports. I mean are you really a big football fan? I get that he had made plans to go to your parent's and watch the game but what guy would pick that over watching a game in the comfort of his own home and with a buddy? NO guy. I really don't see what all the drama is? This is not about him choosing to stay over going with you this is about you not wanting to spend time with your parents it is about putting too much onus on your boyfriend. Someone said something along the lines of "he responds much better to your aloofness than he does to your words", you know something men typically do. Men respond more to actions than words, you can make one move and he will react like a puppy on a leash or you can rehash the same old broken record a 100 times and he will simply tune you out. Let him have his sunday to himself with his friend. Men are so easy to deal with if you stop stressing the small stuff and get a life of your own. I hate to tell you this but it is this kind of stuff that he sees as suffocating and this is what men fear losing mostly; freedom, the kind of freedom that says "honey tonight I would rather watch the game with my friend are you cool with that?" and you not jump all over him like rabid dog. Looking back any time I give a man his space and go off to do my own thing I have him calling me every hour just to see "how I am doing" something funny happens when you let a guy be, he actually misses you. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Yes, LB COULD have so much better. She has to accept she deserves it first. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Read the entire thread, TC. Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Why are YOU looking at this situation in a vacuum, rather than at her entire history with this guy? I think it's wholly appropriate, and NECESSARY. Each poster's history and background is totally relevant to the advice they provide. Someone who lets others walk all over them isn't really the best person to provide advice to someone who's trying to stand firm and set boundaries. SG, you seem to have an awful lot invested in what LB does or doesn't do....and are pretty worked up about it. Why do you think that is? just curious... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Read the entire thread, TC. Ok I did, was I supposed to look for something in particular?(that was not sarcasm I really wasn't sure if I was too look for specifics) I mean, look I know he had made plans with her but I think their problems stem from the idea that Lauriebell depends too much on him for her wellbeing. Every single thread she starts about these crazy problems they are having, and you SG were BANG ON in the other thread with your observation about how they have had a complete releationship based on fights, are really not big problems at all. Even her going to Vegas is a point of contention she allows him to affect her emotionally down to what she will wear on this trip, go on the trip wear what you want and get on with it already. If you can take off like that and you have that kind of understanding that you both vacation seperately then do your own thing and that's that. What I see is that Lauriebell is not very independent she depends on her boyfriend (emotionally) far too much, so much so it turns into control and motherlike behaviour this dynamic can not keep going like this without the attraction suffering. It is a viscious cycle and the more she "needs" from him the more he will pull away and the more he will pull away the more she will need. That is exactly where they are right now. The cycle has to get broken. Carhill said it, her OWN father said it. Go off do your own thing for the weekend go spend some time with your parents and let the guy do what he wants to do, dont' stress it and go back as if nothing. GUARANTEED if she dissapears he will be puddy in her hands when she comes back. It is such a simple move and so productive in the long run. What starts off as a move on her part charged by "vendiction or anger" can actually help to balance HER out in the long run and teach her to have her own life without always being so dependant on what her man is doing. This is going to happen again and again in every relationship she is in, if she does not learn to balance herself and her own identity within the relationship. I understand that going to your parents with him was a set plan and that it is dissappointing for him to now cancel to watch a game, if he were cancelling to just go out drinking with buddies ok I understand but he wants to watch the SuperBowl it is a one time deal, he would rather do it with friends and in the comfort of his own home, this happened last minute or maybe it was a plan to get you to go to your parents so that he could later srping this scenario on to you, but either way he was prob scared to ask you to stay behind since he knows you will more than likely disapprove and a relationship is not just what YOUR needs are they are about his needs too. He wants to watch a game alone, let him and learn to enjoy your time apart from him. He is not asking to go off to hang out at a stripjoing all night he just wants to watch a sport on tv. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 IMO, the compatibility setpoint will be whether Laurie feels healthy and positive about making those independent moves like on SBS. IME, the emotional perspective on the actions is so important to one's well being as well as the signals those actions send to her BF. Since the two of them have discussed marriage and such issues are commonplace in a long relationship like a marriage, it's how they are approached which makes such a difference. Often, in our M, the how was and is far more important than the what. I hope Laurie continues to read and soak it all in. Me, I'm going to be working on my wife's new house while she's at a hair show on SBS. First order of business? Get the satellite hooked up so I can watch the game, and work with a smile on my face, and I don't even like football Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 The cycle has to get broken. Carhill said it, her OWN father said it. Go off do your own thing for the weekend go spend some time with your parents and let the guy do what he wants to do, dont' stress it and go back as if nothing. GUARANTEED if she dissapears he will be puddy in her hands when she comes back. It is such a simple move and so productive in the long run. Couldn't agree more... It is a simple move that will produce effective results. The guy has never had a taste of that fear of losing her- which is why he continues to behave in a selfish manner. He has learned that he can do what he likes without consequences. I am sure he is thinking "oh well, she'll be upset about this, but she's not going anywhere". A couple days out of sight with your mobile turned off! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 IMO, the compatibility setpoint will be whether Laurie feels healthy and positive about making those independent moves like on SBS. what's SBS? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 LB, the more games being played in a relationship, the less likely it's going to be a viable long-term relationship. BOTH of you need to learn to respect and appreciate each other, instead of expending so much energy, getting back at each other, pretending to be bullet-proof, allowing anger to reign, or finger-pointing. BOTH of you need to drop the crap and just be real. If being real isn't going to work, then your compatibilities are in serious question. Neither one of you is a demon or an angel. Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 what's SBS? Super Bowl Sunday Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 The guy has never had a taste of that fear of losing her- which is why he continues to behave in a selfish manner. That's EXACTLY what it is, he is WAY too sure of her and will continue to do as he pleases when he pleases because she ain't goin nowhere. On top of it HE is the one deciding "hm do I even want to marry her we'll see but this is good enough for now". A guy friend of mine told me this once, "I have never cheated on my wife and NEVER will I have been the most faithful husband to her, but I don't think she knows this to be true 100% and I am not about to make reassure her 100%, it is better that way" I agree, never be too sure of anyone nor make someone be too sure of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 One way of describing it would be: Do you want to play the game of love or do you want a relationship filled with love? You two decide what you want and then start acting that way towards each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I mean, look I know he had made plans with her but I think their problems stem from the idea that Lauriebell depends too much on him for her wellbeing. Every single thread she starts about these crazy problems they are having, and you SG were BANG ON in the other thread with your observation about how they have had a complete releationship based on fights, are really not big problems at all. Even her going to Vegas is a point of contention she allows him to affect her emotionally down to what she will wear on this trip, go on the trip wear what you want and get on with it already. If you can take off like that and you have that kind of understanding that you both vacation seperately then do your own thing and that's that. Thing is, a few of their fights (that I randomly clicked upon) had nothing to do with her dependence on him. For example, one was over TENNIS. A game of tennis! She flipped out at him, and he expressed concern about her temper. It's a repeat cycle. What I see is that Lauriebell is not very independent she depends on her boyfriend (emotionally) far too much, so much so it turns into control and motherlike behaviour this dynamic can not keep going like this without the attraction suffering. It is a viscious cycle and the more she "needs" from him the more he will pull away and the more he will pull away the more she will need. That is exactly where they are right now. I don't see it that way at all. He's looking for a June Cleaver, perfect, quiet housewife... almost LIKE a mother. Actually, a Brie Hodge from Desperate Housewives would be more fitting. He wants Brie in the kitchen and laundry room while he's upstairs playing with his "orks." On the other hand, LB wants to be loved and appreciated for who she is. Unfortunately, he's constantly telling her that she's not good enough: she doesn't clean right, she doesn't cook right, she doesn't play tennis right, she doesn't drive right, he doesn't want to please her sexually, she's in his space for guy's weekend, he doesn't feel comfortable staying with her parents, he'd rather play with toys than with her, on and on and on... I understand that going to your parents with him was a set plan and that it is dissappointing for him to now cancel to watch a game, if he were cancelling to just go out drinking with buddies ok I understand but he wants to watch the SuperBowl....He is not asking to go off to hang out at a stripjoing all night he just wants to watch a sport on tv. Well see, that's where I think you're wrong. This has nothing to do with simply watching the game. Apparently, he doesn't even want to watch the game. He's foregoing watching the game with LB and her parents - which he committed to do - in lieu of last minute plans to sit at home and play with odd "ork" figurines at his apartment. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I have a feeling that nothing is going to change here. indeed.... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Super Bowl Sunday Of course, thanks! SG I have read her posts situations, the one common thread I see in all the situations is the extreme amount of fighting that is happening between then. They are knee deep in a toxic relationship, and we only get to read ONE side of the equation here. The choices are 3: 1. Accept him for who and what he is and make due with what you have, this is who you chose to be with, orks or no orks this is WHO he is. 2. If it is bad enough get out if nothing ever chances and you are perpetually stuck in a reoccuring cycle you really have no other option BUT to get out. 3. TRY SOMETHING different, make a move towards a different approach put all the "what is fair or unfair" attitude aside and seriously take the initiative to TRY something different. If you honestly and surely try a different approach, one that you feel should be beneficial to where they need to be and that is a move that will prompt him to also meet her half way, and things still don't change for the better then you have no other option but to get out. This notion of "let's not fight anymore" is retarded" YOU WILL FIGHT SOME MORE, fighting is not this seperate entity that magically enters the room and ruins a good time it is brought one by BOTH their actions. Just like marriage is not a magic entity that will solve the problems in the relationship in that respect they both need to grow up and get a clue as to what life with someone and a relationship is about. If you can't do this next to someone then you must walk away and learn from what you;ve lived and you must try to put it into place with someone new, and put it to practice from day 1 so that you are not stuck delving into the exact same toxidity that they are living now. All these fantastical notions of "you need to understand each other and start living a relationship of love" doens't happen magically on its own it takes HARD work and consistent devotion to improving your relationship and once you have fallen into a tug of war type of rut, it is going to be THAT much harder to do, the question is how much work are you willing to put into it at this point. Saying and doing are two completely different things. It's not about cooking perfectly, or cleaning or him not playing with orks it is about changing a dynamic that is completely sick. A dynamic 2 people created and which now they need to undo if they have any hope of staying together. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I don't think that it's such a big deal that he wants to drink beer with his friend and watch the game instead of going to your parents, where he said he isn't that comfortable. That being said, I feel like with each post you become more and more disconnected as a couple. It often seems like you're not on the same team and like you two don't really "get" each other. I also see you starting to lose faith in him and I don't blame you. Sometimes it's hard for me to picture you two interacting and just speaking to each other about things everyday things. I don't know. I don't think he's a bad guy or doesn't love you. But you CAN get your own place, you DON'T need him, and he can get another roomate, it's not a huge deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I don't think that it's such a big deal that he wants to drink beer with his friend and watch the game instead of going to your parents, where he said he isn't that comfortable. ARGH! He doesn't want to even watch the game! He wants blow off his GF to play with figurines instead! Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 ARGH! He doesn't want to even watch the game! He wants blow off his GF to play with figurines instead! Figurines? Orks? I thought this was some Pennsylvania football related lingo? Still, had he canceled on her parents ONCE and that being the only issue it wouldn't be a huge deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Figurines? Orks? I thought this was some Pennsylvania football related lingo? No, he made plans with LB. His friend called and said, "Let's play War-whatever-it's called [involving the "orks" figurines]," and LB's BF said, "Okay!" Then after *pretending* to 'run it by' her, he said she was being "naggy" when she asked him to keep his commitment to her and her parents. He'd rather play with toys with his friend, than keep his promise to his GF. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 No, he made plans with LB. His friend called and said, "Let's play War-whatever-it's called [involving the "orks" figurines]," and LB's BF said, "Okay!" Then after *pretending* to 'run it by' her, he said she was being "naggy" when she asked him to keep his commitment to her and her parents. He'd rather play with toys with his friend, than keep his promise to his GF. I thought she said that he wanted to drink beer and watch the game with his friends at their place Either way, had this been the only time and him being an in tune, supportive bf I would say let it go. I know that sometimes I just want to lounge on a Sunday afternoon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Holy crap, where did everyone come from?!?!?! I only left for a few hours! Anyway, I will go through all the responses but just an update BF and I had a good "heart to heart." We talked everything out, I told him exactly how I felt. He was understanding and said he never meant to upset me, and he actually WAS trying to see how I felt about the issue the Superbowl. I guess I just snapped mostly because of his friend and I just feel like he prefers him over me. Conversation moved on to him saying that it's not a huge issue going to his parents and he said he hopes it doesn't hurt me that he just thinks it will be more fun to stay at our apartment. Also we agreed that we would go to my parents for lunch and then come back here to watch the superbowl. (both of us) And that his friend would go home after watching it. Whether or not he is sincere about this: yeah I think he was. He also said that he loves me and some other sweet stuff. I don't think it was manipulation: he is a sweet guy. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. Sure we have some issues but I want to try to work them out. If we can't and haven't moved on to the next level by April I will discuss the issue then. I know everyone will probably get on me about him and say I'm making excuses, deluding myself, ext. I feel like our talk went well though and I want to at least give it another shot before throwing in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
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