New thread: Superbowl Weekend (and relationship drama)

[ColorCube]

But I am still curious. What would you say where the 5 best moments with bf in the last month?

 

Are you trying to say that a relationship must have at least 5 great moments each month to be a good healthy relationship?

 

In any good relationship there can be months where there are 50 good things that happen and months where there are few.

A good healthy relationship isn't about counting numbers and comparison.

[Star Gazer]

Are you trying to say that a relationship must have at least 5 great moments each month to be a good healthy relationship?

 

Please READ the ENTIRE thread before picking isolated sentences to comment on! You do this in every thread, and it's irritating.

 

MOM is simply asking LB to articulate what's GOOD about her relationship, what GOOD times they share... because from what she posts here, all they do is fight, fight, fight.

[Trialbyfire]

Are you trying to say that a relationship must have at least 5 great moments each month to be a good healthy relationship?

 

In any good relationship there can be months where there are 50 good things that happen and months where there are few.

A good healthy relationship isn't about counting numbers and comparison.

Actually, a healthy relationship is one where your good times exceed your bad times. A relationship doesn't have to be a drama-coaster. If it becomes one, it's no longer a healthy relationship.

[MindoverMatter]

In any good relationship there can be months where there are 50 good things that happen and months where there are few.

A good healthy relationship isn't about counting numbers and comparison.

 

I didn't say 5 great things, but the 5 best things. And I am asking, because the example she gave was one she gave once before, and it think it's more than a month ago. Which is fine. But sometimes, when we cling to something, we tend to not see the big picture. What she is living now is what she will be living with in a marriage. And the romantic gestures will become less frequent, not more. She has posted a list of traits she didn't like, why should it be impossible to give a list of the best moments last month?

 

And those moments can be simple. Sharing a smile over a cup of coffee in the morning. Bringing home some sweets that you know the other will like. Laughing your asses off in front of the tv watching the Daily Show and giggling until you go to sleep. I agree with you, you don't need to have many big moments to have a good relationship. But if you can't come up with some good situations for an entire month, in a relatively young relationship, that is not fazed with many worldly troubles, then you might want to rethink what exactly you get from it.

 

And I am not pushing LB to break up. I am honestly curious. Because I would like to see the bigger picture too. And as the nature of these boards have it, we usually only see the problem side. And the more you know the better your advice will be.

[ColorCube]

Actually, a healthy relationship is one where your good times exceed your bad times. A relationship doesn't have to be a drama-coaster. If it becomes one, it's no longer a healthy relationship.

 

I disagree that the good times must outweigh the bad times for it to be considered a healthy relationship but I do agree that a drama driven relationship is tiring and gets old very quickly and a person would be better to spend their time with someone else if all they get is drama.

 

IMO a healthy relationship is more about showing trust and respect toward one another than about how many good times you have in a month or a year.

[StartingOver07]

He is not a genuine a-hole or jerk that you would just want to avoid. Does he get me upset sometimes? Do I get him upset? Yes. Couples upset each other don't they?

 

Not really, LB. Not as often as you two seem to be upset. You are not married yet and have none of the stresses that will bring. You are in the honeymoon period. Yet you spend an inordinate amount of time being upset. Even if I were to post here every single time my SO upset me (or I him), my post frequency would be quite low.

 

While it's not healthy to think that people who are in love never fight or go through misunderstandings, it's also not healthy to assume that a pattern of regular fighting is ok.

 

Yes, we have some issues. It doesn't mean we need to give up though. Our relationship has not hit rock bottom or it's demise so for now I want to try to work things out. He told me that I am never going to lose him and that he would be so miserable without me. I think he does think I'll never leave him, however I did clue him in on that last night. I said that i'm sick of the fighting and if we just can't work things out then I will hit my breaking point. I didn't threaten to break up with him, just clued him in a little bit that I'm not going to keep arguing and feeling miserable like this.

 

This is unlikely to have much effect. The separation and divorce boards are full of guys who never saw it coming and women who say they gave their SO/husband repeated warnings. Actions speak louder than words, so you can tell him all you want what will happen if things don't change, but how you act -- accommodating the status quo -- will supercede your words.

 

 

No one is a jerk all the time. Even Charles Manson had cuddly moments. Seriously, LB. People are not all good or all bad. And it's not even a matter of whether your bf is more good than bad but whether he is good for you and vice versa. Chocolate and tomatoes are good -- even great -- flavors, but that doesn't mean they should be paired together.

[ColorCube]

And those moments can be simple. Sharing a smile over a cup of coffee in the morning.

 

 

I get ya,

 

She just posted about one such event with her update. She mentioned how they went out to dinner and had great conversation.

[Trialbyfire]

I disagree that the good times must outweigh the bad times for it to be considered a healthy relationship but I do agree that a drama driven relationship is tiring and gets old very quickly and a person would be better to spend their time with someone else if all they get is drama.

 

IMO a healthy relationship is more about showing trust and respect toward one another than about how many good times you have in a month or a year.

A healthy relationship is about being happy in a relationship. Trust and respect are key to one. If there aren't good times, why would you remain in a relationship that's detrimental to happiness? It makes no sense at all.

[MindoverMatter]

She just posted about one such event with her update. She mentioned how they went out to dinner and had great conversation.

 

ColorCube: Yeah, it's not really what I mean. First of all, LB always ends a thread like this, but very often another situation will come up that is just another symptom of the very same issue she claimed they had a great conversation about. I am not feeling it, if you know what I mean.

 

It can be little things, but those little things have to be special to you, have meaning to you. Sharing a smile over a cup of coffee can be a great thing if it stands for enjoying a quiet moment together, in absolute peace and being on the exact same page in that moment of time. Sipping a coffee and grinning at your SO isn't quiet the same. Going to dinner for me is one of those outwardly things that mean relatively little. You don't need to go out once during the entire month, but special moments? Yeah, should be there.

 

I am reading a blog about a man whose wife is slowly dieing of cancer. The sad moments by far outweigh the good ones, surely. But they have a connection, and they usually speak about the good moments, and if you asked either of them about meaningful good things they could come up with many things. Situations that are made special by the inner workings of their relationship, not by flashy outside things. Situations that give them strength. When I read LB, I often think that she gets strength from the outside to face her relationship problems.

 

@Moderator: I can't get PMs just yet but I see that my post has been edited. If there is anything that I need to know to adjust posting style, let me know some other way.

[carhill]

She let her BF have his way. They're staying at the apartment for the game, not going to her parents.

Sorry about that. Too much plaster dust in my brain today

 

Well, Laurie, hope you and the orks get on OK today

[Lishy]

You can just write LBs threads before she has even posted them

 

1. upset with bf

2. agrees he is not the one and gets upset

3. says she does not worry about marriage anymore

4. Has a great conversation with her awesome boyfriend

5. agrees to go along with what HE wants and pretends to be ok with it

6. defends him like he did nothing wrong

7. Says she is out of here as she does not hear what she wants and does not post anymore

 

It is the same on every single thread and the advice she recieves and agrees with at the start is the same advice she gets upset with at the end

 

LB, like it or not this guy may be nice and you may love each other but he will never make you happy, and also I think you need to look really hard at the reasons that you would be willing to marry a man who acts like a child with his friends and plays Warhammer for hours at a time (and lets you down to do so)

[ColorCube]

You can just write LBs threads before she has even posted them

 

1. upset with bf

2. agrees he is not the one and gets upset

3. says she does not worry about marriage anymore

4. Has a great conversation with her awesome boyfriend

5. agrees to go along with what HE wants and pretends to be ok with it

6. defends him like he did nothing wrong

7. Says she is out of here as she does not hear what she wants and does not post anymore

 

It is the same on every single thread and the advice she receives and agrees with at the start is the same advice she gets upset with at the end

This isn't really very fair or nice to the OP.

She is treated as if she is a troll and should not post her feelings or threads.

 

She obviously comes here to help sort out her issues in her relationship and by making fun of her threads you are removing the very helpful nature of them.

 

Just my opinion and I'm not looking to start a fight but it seems that many posters on this thread don't really care about LB and only care about making sure she hears their advice and nobody else.

 

I personally think that facing an issue in a relationship and confronting it with your SO to the point of it becoming a non-issue in the relationship is mature and shows some good communication.

I understand that people think she is facing the same issues over and over and she may very well be doing that but it isn't up to the people giving her advice to decide that she shouldn't post any more threads.

[Lishy]

CC, not for one minute do I want to belittle or tell LB not to post, I would never do that!

 

I know how it feels to spend too much time with the wrong person and I look back and wish I had got out sooner.

 

I dont want to hate on LB, I just want her to be happy, and as long as she is with this guy she will not be happy!

 

I am guessing you are an older poster in disguise so I am sure you know the score?

[Trialbyfire]

I am guessing you are an older poster in disguise so I am sure you know the score?

Yes, he is.

[ColorCube]

Whether or not I am an older poster or someone who happened along to loveshack through google is of no relevance to this thread and truthfully is nothing more than someone trying to make my advice less worthy or sound like I am some ghost figure and by doing so my advice isn't to be considered, that is crazy.

 

I have posted within all of the loveshack guidelines on this thread and will continue to do so.

[MindoverMatter]

I personally think that facing an issue in a relationship and confronting it with your SO to the point of it becoming a non-issue in the relationship is mature and shows some good communication.

I understand that people think she is facing the same issues over and over and she may very well be doing that but it isn't up to the people giving her advice to decide that she shouldn't post any more threads.

I don't want her to stop posting. I want her to be happy. And sometimes it seemed as if LB was unaware that the scenario she was describing is a manifestation of an issue that has caused several arguments and discussions with her bf already and that every single time she claimed to have resolved it, when in fact they merely covered one symptom.

 

It is then, that people do make reference to a behaviour shown in the past and the outcome of it. To make her see. Nobody is really objective when it comes to their own life. Sometimes it takes an outsider's view to notice a pattern.

 

I would never tell LB to break-up with bf when she states she isn't ready. But I will tell her that her unhappiness won't disappear by simply repeating the same behaviour all over again.

 

In this situation, I feel that she should not have rolled over. He ignored a previous commitment to both her and her parents and as a reaction she also didn't go to her parents. That's the outcome. And that's not a compromise. This behavioural pattern has NOT become a non-issue. It will be repeated. And there will be agonizing about it.

 

And that's sad.

[Tomcat33]

Whether or not I am an older poster or someone who happened along to loveshack through google is of no relevance to this thread and truthfully is nothing more than someone trying to make my advice less worthy or sound like I am some ghost figure and by doing so my advice isn't to be considered, that is crazy.

 

I have posted within all of the loveshack guidelines on this thread and will continue to do so.

 

 

Well you said this yesterday:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2024186&postcount=117

 

 

So it does matter. I am more interested as to why your only contribution on this thread is to pick some poster's posts apart rather than adding to the discussion in a more constructive way. Who are you and what do you want exactly?

 

If you have been around for a while and have seen LB's threads you would know that they are quite formulaic, what Lishy said was not all that off really. And personally I don't take it as her or SG trying to put LB down, but LB needs to know what her pattern is, she is clearly not happy in this relationship and no matter what the situation is or what they fight about with her boyfriend the scenario is always the same. It is starting to look at little nutty, and quite frankly I don't get how she could even entertain the idea of marriage having documented all that she has here where she can read out their patterns nice and clearly. I also appreciate it is very hard to do when you are the protagonist of said situation. But since she HAS opened her relationship up to the public for guidance why does she also dismiss everything that is being said to her only to come back a week later and post the EXACT same thing all over again?

 

It's ok to not want the advice that is given to you, THAT'S FINE. What is alarming is how she comes back and posts the exact same thing over and over and over again and expects different advice?!?! If you are unwilling to help yourself what more help can you get from others really?

 

 

The tension that is happening in this relationship is completely palpable and it stems from one place and one place only and that is that LB wants marriage and her boyfriend does not. LB sees that proposal as the ultimate reassurance that her b/f loves her and really wants to be with her, but the reality is that there is no stopping that need for reassurance even after he proposes to her and they do marry because her needs are never going to be fully met by this man since their dynamic already is what it is.

 

For starters they should not even be living together, if there are no concrete plans to marry there is NO REAL point for LB to living with this man, she is nailing the coffin with that move. He is completely comfortable with things as they are and he will have 0 incentive to take it to the next level, and she will always want more. Never EVER live with someone unless you are already engaged and concretely planning to get married, OR if you don't want marriage then sure go for it, but as a woman don't bother living with someone unless you are sure. They were already on rocky ground before living together, of course it will be worse now.

 

Personally I don't want her to break up but I do want her to take action and try a different approach this one is not working and NEVER will EVEN if he does marry her.

 

And as per Ariadne's comment that it is scarce out there in terms of mate selection, NONSENSE! you have as many options as you are willing to open yourself to have. NEVER EVER stay with someone out of fear of what is out there, that is not a good foundation for a loving relationship nor is it healthy for personal growth and emotional development.

 

Lastly it would seem LB just wants us to magically change her partner into someone she deems as the ideal mate and we don't have that kind of power, all we can do is guide her into how she can act in terms of creating a domino effect for the relationship in terms of getting what she needs but at times she seems to also shut that out so what else is there really?

[Lishy]

I am finding it hard to decipher exactly what your advice is CC!

 

You say that good times in a R is not important? You say that LB and her BF have good communication (not true) and that having bad times all the time in a R is not a bad thing(?). You also say that drama in a R is a bad thing and that you should move on if it is like that, that is the advice we are all giving is it not? - You are a walking contradiction and in my opinion you have changed names to have a go at people, you are incognito in any name that you are in so why do that?

 

Be a man/woman and stand up in your original name and say what you want!

[MindoverMatter]

The tension that is happening in this relationship is completely palpable and it stems from one place and one place only and that is that LB wants marriage and her boyfriend does not. LB sees that proposal as the ultimate reassurance that her b/f loves her and really wants to be with her, but the reality is that there is no stopping that need for reassurance even after he proposes to her and they do marry because her needs are never going to be fully met by this man since their dynamic already is what it is.

 

I am beginning to disagree. I think the marriage issue is just another symptom of general incompatibility. They approach life very differently and LB has said so herself very often. While having some differences might be good for a relationship (after all, who wants to be married to their twin), some are not.

He wants equality in every aspect, LB is looking for a traditional marriage and becoming a sahm for a couple of years. Which would, imho, bring back the money issues they had when she was a student. Savings or not, she would depend on his income in at least the same way she did back then: pleasure, going out, etc. Those issues disappeared when she made money herself, but they were very important during the first 2 years of their relationship and never got resolved by communication.

Boyfriend is a neat freak, and LB is not. Boyfriend will expect LB to have a sparkly clean house and the shores done when she becomes a sahm. To his standards.

 

All those issues will still be there, and might increase, when they get married. If marriage was their only problem, then they would go *poof* and they'd live in eternal bliss. Sometimes I fear that LB thinks along those lines.

 

And that's why I'd like her to take a good look at what her relationship is like now, the daily life, because that is what makes a marriage.

[Trialbyfire]

He wants equality in every aspect

This isn't completely accurate. He wants a traditional wife in the sense that she cooks and cleans for him, to his standard, but wants financial equality.

 

LB wants to be a SAHM but doesn't want to cook or clean.

[Tomcat33]

I am beginning to disagree. I think the marriage issue is just another symptom of general incompatibility. They approach life very differently and LB has said so herself very often. While having some differences might be good for a relationship (after all, who wants to be married to their twin), some are not.

He wants equality in every aspect, LB is looking for a traditional marriage and becoming a sahm for a couple of years. Which would, imho, bring back the money issues they had when she was a student. Savings or not, she would depend on his income in at least the same way she did back then: pleasure, going out, etc. Those issues disappeared when she made money herself, but they were very important during the first 2 years of their relationship and never got resolved by communication.

Boyfriend is a neat freak, and LB is not. Boyfriend will expect LB to have a sparkly clean house and the shores done when she becomes a sahm. To his standards.

 

All those issues will still be there, and might increase, when they get married. If marriage was their only problem, then they would go *poof* and they'd live in eternal bliss. Sometimes I fear that LB thinks along those lines.

 

And that's why I'd like her to take a good look at what her relationship is like now, the daily life, because that is what makes a marriage.

 

 

You misunderstood what I meant by what I posted and you quoted above, because we are both saying the same thing. I have been saying all along marriage is not a magical solution to an otherwise bad relationship, but LB seems to think that the act of marriage will solve all issues. It wont, I agree.

 

Thes fights originate from this great need she has for her man to prove to her that he loves her and the only way she feels he can do that is by taking the ultimate leap of faith when it comes to proving love, asking for her hand in marriage. She fails to see this act alone is not going to solve their woes, they need to iron out the relationship before that can happen and he won't do it because he does not want that for the doubts he must be feeling on his end. So all the fights that happen here and there are all this great power struggle to get proof that the other really cares.

[MindoverMatter]

This isn't completely accurate. He wants a traditional wife in the sense that she cooks and cleans for him, to his standard, but wants financial equality.

 

LB wants to be a SAHM but doesn't want to cook or clean.

 

Oh, my bad. I thought he was doing most of the cooking and cleaning right now. Once she would become a sahm, he would expect her to take the role in the traditional meaning and cook, clean, etc alone. If that would sit well with LB is everybody's guess.

[Trialbyfire]

Oh, my bad. I thought he was doing most of the cooking and cleaning right now. Once she would become a sahm, he would expect her to take the role in the traditional meaning and cook, clean, etc alone. If that would sit well with LB is everybody's guess.

No worries. This is self-admitted from LB in another thread, not one of hers so everyone might not have read it.

[Lauriebell82]

I read all the new posts. I'm actually EXTREMELY HAPPY because my Steeler's won the superbowl!!!!!

 

We had his friend over to our apartment and actually had a decent time. I made grilled chicken on the stove and we watched the game. We had a blast. We cleaned up our entire apartment too before he came over. So yeah, the cooking and cleaning thing is starting to take effect. I'm not minding it so much actually. Surprisingly our apartment actually looks nice clean. He offered to go to my parents, but we actually did have more fun with his friend. (No offense to my parents). Actually my dad is pretty much the one who told me to compromise us staying at our apartment.

 

I get what you all are saying, it's obvious I have some doubts myself. But I have a few months to see if we can work out disagreements in a better manor and avoid some of the drama. I only really post on here when I'm pissed off to have someone to talk to. So you DO only see the bad side of him. If I posted about all the good times you'd be like "Oh, yeah that's great!" I guess I do make him out to be this jerk who treats me like crap, but he really doesn't. Actually he was very sweet yesterday, I helped him clean the whole apartment so when he went to the gym he bought me red roses (my favorite) and came home and surprised me with them.

 

I've seen people work out problems before, it can happen. Plus I've stopped caring about marriage/engagement so maybe that will get rid of all the tension in our relationship.

[MindoverMatter]

If I posted about all the good times you'd be like "Oh, yeah that's great!"

 

Why don't you do that then?