Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Not at all! But I'd like to think that being forced to listen to our negativity/realism at least helped prepare you somewhat for the inevitable. Truth be told, I knew it before I posted questions. I just didn't like the confirmation I received. It sucks what you went through, but you came out a better person in the end, didn't you? I can only hope the same for LB. For sure! It made me into who I am, a gal that found an awesome GF who actually meets all my needs. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 For sure! It made me into who I am, a gal that found an awesome GF who actually meets all my needs. :lmao: :lmao: Your bad experiences with men finally sent you to the other side, eh, SG? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 :lmao: :lmao: Your bad experiences with men finally sent you to the other side, eh, SG? Aaaaahahahaa!!! B is right below G. My bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Slightly offtopic: Quote: Oh man, that was an awesome thread to look back on and see how painfully right I was, and how painfully, painfully wrong "some others" were An "awesome" thread? You call someone else's misfortune and all your nasty posts "awesome?" Not at all! But I'd like to think that being forced to listen to our negativity/realism at least helped prepare you somewhat for the inevitable. It sucks what you went through, but you came out a better person in the end, didn't you? I can only hope the same for LB. Well speaking of coming out a better person when does that happen to you? After seeing all the nasty posts you made in SG's old thread, and all the incredibly mean and spiteful posting you still have in you to continue now, it seems you haven't improved ONE BIT. That was absolutely horrible and mean spirited "advice" you posted on SG's old thread and now you want to continue along those lines here? And to top it off you were WAY off with a lot of your comments, clueless at best. Do LB a favour and refrain from trying to give LB any advise. I doubt you have anyone's "best interest" in mind it seems you just want to post petty mean comments to later dig them up and say "see I told you so". HOW LAME! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 LB, if you want this relationship to work, even for the short-term, both of you have to get off the drama-coaster. Stop the negative thinking or you're going to self-prophesize the death of the relationship. Stop demonizing him. Stop the drama and angst. He's a late-twenties guy who's still half-man, half-boy. You're the same way, half-woman, half-girl. There's some serious maturation that has to happen before either one of you is ready for marriage. This means give and take. The next time there are issues, sit down and talk about it. Forget covering up your emotions, lashing out at all the wrong things. If he does something that bothers you, go straight to the source, regardless of how vulnerable it makes you feel. Demand the same from him. There's no guarantee that this will work but it's the starting point and renewal process you have to do. Break that drama cycle. Just throw it away. Link to post Share on other sites
oceangrl Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 [FONT="]. [/FONT] [FONT="]he suggested we talk in the morning because it was late and I had to go to bed[/FONT] [FONT="] He told his friend that he would talk to me about it, but didn't tell him that he was breaking his plans with me. [/FONT] [FONT="] (I got upset the night before before he could tell me that). [/FONT] This thread was based on a miscommunication between LB and her BF. The BF was willing to go to the parents house. I don't think people should say that he is "lying" or "playing" her.... we all don't know him. Sure, he probably would've enjoy staying home more (most guys wouldn't want to visit their GF's parents during the superbowl) but he was willing because he cares. If LB didn't accept his apology over this miscommunication, and instead, she called him a liar......that would mean that LB doesn't trust her BF and it would also make her immature. LB, I would have accepted this situation, but some of the other issues you have posted I might not have. The main lesson to learn from this is to not go to bed angry, talk it out...cuz if you don't you're not sleeping well because of it, so why not catch it early...as long as you can talk calmly. Maybe he could tell that the two of you would start a heated argument if you continued to talk it out, so thats why he wanted to talk about it later? And also, get all the information before allowing yourself to become upset cuz its so draining!! I've been there too LB, where I get upset over a small issue because I didn't get complete information from my bf. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 WOW, great post. Gave me a lot to think about. You are absolutely right that I post about the same issue. My marriage obsession is what is causing all the tension and conflict. Yes we fight/disagree about other issues, but the main core concept is him not being ready. So I have decided that I don't want marriage right now. If he asks, great, if he doesn't okay. Despite the jerk I make him out to be, I love him and he does have some great qualities. He's very loving and sweet although sometimes he does have his bad moments. But hey, so do I. Nobody is perfect. I won't stay in a relationship that makes me unhappy. I get everyone's "warnings" I really do. We do have some things to work out. But I don't think it's a lost cause yet. (despite what others think) I want to make clear I am not criticizing the fact that you post about all your fights I am more so making a point that those fights are less about the actual instance you post about and much more so about a very deep seated issue that is causing your dynamic to go this way. The issue is marriage. To me that's quite clear, the fights are simply a symptom of the understated problem. That in itself is not a problem, I mean it is for you because you clearly want him to express that ultimate show of love and until he does those fights will not go away. Even if you tell yourself "I don't want marriage right now" you know very well deep down you secretly still wish for that, you can't change your feelings so don't try. All those fights that you engage in, all the things that irritate you and cause all the drama are really just you subliminally saying "why won't you marry me, why don't you want to marry me?" That's understandable, you ARE living together and when you are in a relationship that is progressing the natural next step if to solidify that commitment you say you already have. The problem is that in this case it is very hard for you trust he really does love you unless he can make that leap, and it is hard for him to trust that he wants to be with you forever unless you can prove to him that you can have a drama-free relationship. When men say they fear giving up their freedom it also means will I give up my stress free life for one filled with demands and stressful obligations all the time. They need balance, WE all need balance. It's not one-sided, and I really don't see him as a selfish mean guy given what you post here, or as someone who doesn't love you I am certain he does. But the natural progression of the relationship is buried so deeply underneath all the petty fighting that you can't do anything but stunt it when it should be moving along. And I am asking you to take the initiative for change because it is YOU who is posting, I can't reach out to him so you are going to have to be the catalyst of this change. My word of advice to you is, learn to be more emotionally independent, by that I mean learn to quiet your own insecurities down for the sake of all the fighting. Something has to change significantly in your dynamic so that all that fighting turns into more positive deposits of love. When you fight so much over little things it eats away at your love and trust and it makes you question your future together, something you have been doing for quite some time now, and I am sure so has he. If you can manage to get your relationship out of this cycle only then will you be able to see what your true potential together is, like this you will never see it, you will always want more from him and he will want to give less to you. I'm glad you managed to work it out on Sunday but I think an even better solution would have been just this once for you to go off to your parents as you had planned and to allow him some time to himself with his friend and make no drama about it. Show understanding for him and his needs too. Showing affection and love and offering good sex is not the only way you can show someone how much you love them, compromising and truly tapping in to the other person's needs, even if sometimes it means sacrificing what you want in the moment, is also a good way to show the other how much you care. Couples do not need to be attached at the hip 24/7 to prove that they love each other, and having a little independence on your end takes some of the pressure off of him and eventually he will crave those moments with you that much more. It assures him that you don't depend solely on him to make you happy, it shows him that you are capable of finding your own happiness even while you are living under the same roof. I am not saying start a girls night out once a week and let him do the same with the boys, but setting invisible boundaries so that you are not easily upset if he doesn't want to do what you want, and showing that you can enjoy your time away from him and be happy for him when he also enjoys his time away from you is how a healthy relationship should be. This is the kind of stuff trust is built on. Compromise is where it's at. But compromise does not immediately gratify us at times, and it's hard to see the benefit in it when that happens, but it does build for long term gratification that's what you ultimately want. LB I don't really want you to break up, I really want you to succeed in making it work, you obviously love each other a lot but you are too caught in what you each need to see the other's needs. That's my observation at least. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Excellent post, Tomcat! Well balanced and helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Thanks James! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Speaking of love deposits, V-day is just around the corner Laurie, I say this as someone who's gone through a year of MC..... watch for proactive understanding and consideration of your expressed feelings. I read between the lines here and feel you bearing much of the burden of the relationship (its health, well-being and progression) on your shoulders. A healthy relationship is a team effort, with both parties being proactively interdependent. I look forward to your V-day thread Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Speaking of love deposits, V-day is just around the corner Laurie, I say this as someone who's gone through a year of MC..... watch for proactive understanding and consideration of your expressed feelings. I read between the lines here and feel you bearing much of the burden of the relationship (its health, well-being and progression) on your shoulders. A healthy relationship is a team effort, with both parties being proactively interdependent. I look forward to your V-day thread Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 That was an excellent post and advice, providing HIS "love deposits" are made as well. I continually made those "love deposits" with my ex. He took and took and took, with his giving becoming less and less over time. I finally quit making deposits and eventually tossed him. Donna do you know and feel in your heart you gave those deposits and ultimately because you gave so much and got nothing in return it gave you the strength you much needed to see your way out of a relationship that was not right for you? Do you have the ultimate proof that he was not right for you now? I think you do. Imagine now if your giving would have been calculated and guarded and only half of what it could be, you more than likely might still be with him in a one sided relationship because you would be second guessing yourself and your contributions to the relationship making excuses for him given how you would know deep inside you didn't give everything you COULD have given. Now you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you gave everything you could, in the long run it's easier to say "enough is enough" when you feel you have truly given your all. I am not saying it is not painful to breakup, it just helps you to detach when that love is not being reciprocated and it is a one man show. In this case it could go either way LB's bo could be a selfish taker, OR he could turn out to be suprisingly more considerate of LBs needs feeding off of her acts. And I don't mean for LB to become a push over you can be strong and stand your ground and still give your all. That is where their true compatibility will show, like this it won't. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Yup. Exactly right. I felt he would eventually realize what he had and would come around. But no. Good advice, TC. Once you unselfishly give and give, it is easier to leave once you realize you've been giving to a selfish person to no avail. The way I see it is, you are already in it why cheat yourself out of seeing what your true potential with someone is by holding back and playing petty games of "guard my heart"? it's one thing to guard your heart in the early stages and once you are trying to determine if a person is worth your love/time but if you have determined you want to be with someone and they are reciprocating you have to let that guard down and give it your all, even if it means putting yourself in a vulnerable position at times. It's all balance, that's the key to a healthy dynamic. If the relationship is meant to work and compatibility is there you won't get taken advantage of you will breed a healthy give and take. Personally and speaking from experience having been on both ends of the equation, I think the worst feeling you can have beyond feeling like you gave too much and it was not appreciated is not having given enough and being left with "What if I could have done things differently and given more" feeling. Been THERE and got the T-shirt and never again. Let me tell you I'd rather feel like I gave too much!! Sometimes you try to guard so much you ultimately end up doing what you fear most, chasing the person away. Once you experience that, pride and selfpreservation become less appealing and counter productive. PS thanks ;-) forgot to write that. I think you and I are coming from similar paths. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 The phrases "almost ready to" and "was just about to" and "I wanted to but" are hallmarks of what I now know is GHS (guarded heart syndrome). It is a psychological block not even MC could help my wife with. A lousy childhood and two failed marriages prior didn't make things any easier. Personally, I pulled out all the stops from day one and am making every effort because, as TC put it, I'm in (married) and there's no good reason to hold back, so why would I?. I feel good about me for doing so. I can, if necessary, divorce and feel good about me moving forward. What flabbergasts me is that someone with GHS is so blind to the simplicity of avoiding chasing someone away; the largely insignificant actions and words that they could perform and/or say which could make all the difference. So near to the goal but yet a universe away. If LB breaks up with her boyfriend, in large part, that's where my sadness for her will come from. A sadness about the ease with which what could have been. Hope she sticks with her timeline Link to post Share on other sites
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