New thread: Superbowl Weekend (and relationship drama)

[Lauriebell82]

Why don't you do that then?

 

Yeah, I should. I've done that before a few times but I only get like 2 responses. I guess people are more interested in the drama, hence my 200 response threads.

[Lauriebell82]

At the request of MindoverMatter here are some happy times (in the last 6 months we'll go back):

 

a) DEF. yesterday, the superbowl was AWESOME!!!

b) Christmas at his parents was wonderful, we had so much fun with his family. Christmas at my parents for xmas eve

c) My birthday-2 celebrations: he took me out to a fancy dinner and then we went to a club with my best friend and her husband before they left to go back to CA. He was so sweet and was the "DD" and took a lot of pictures of my friend and I

d) Thanksgiving: we went to his aunt's house and had a blast. I got to know his extended family more and it was great.

e) Lots of wonderful weekends: bowling, renting movies, going out to dinner (we go about once per week), going to the bar, going out with friends, ect.

f) Great dinners/visits at my parents house. My mom cooked some great dinners.

g) He went and developed pictures of us and hung them on the wall as a surprise

h) he bought me flowers yesterday for being such a great girlfriend

[SoulSearch_CO]

Maybe I stay because I hope one day he will change his mind and want to get married.

The single biggest mistake made by women in relationships? Falling in love with a man's potential. If you do not love what is right in front of you, then there's no point. He will not change to suit you.

 

And whomever said that good times do not have to outweigh bad times for the R to be considered healthy. Please tell me you're joking.

[Lauriebell82]

The single biggest mistake made by women in relationships? Falling in love with a man's potential. If you do not love what is right in front of you, then there's no point. He will not change to suit you.

 

And whomever said that good times do not have to outweigh bad times for the R to be considered healthy. Please tell me you're joking.

 

Yeah, I don't agree that the good times don't have to outweigh the bad. They def. do. We have bad times, but we have a whole lot of good times too!

 

You are totally right that men won't change. I'm trying to adopt a new attitude, that I am staying because I love him and not because I want him to marry me. I thought SO much about all this and I'm finally over the whole "getting married" thing. The books really helped put things in perspective. Marriage really isn't something that I really need right now, I'm not ready to have kids and I'm still very young. I was talking to my one co-worker today and she asked me what marriage will provide me with that I don't already have. I didn't really have an answer for her. So that got me thinking that maybe I don't NEED it as much as I think I do. Maybe I can be happy with my life without being married at the moment.

[Lauriebell82]

Well you said this yesterday:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2024186&postcount=117

 

 

So it does matter. I am more interested as to why your only contribution on this thread is to pick some poster's posts apart rather than adding to the discussion in a more constructive way. Who are you and what do you want exactly?

 

If you have been around for a while and have seen LB's threads you would know that they are quite formulaic, what Lishy said was not all that off really. And personally I don't take it as her or SG trying to put LB down, but LB needs to know what her pattern is, she is clearly not happy in this relationship and no matter what the situation is or what they fight about with her boyfriend the scenario is always the same. It is starting to look at little nutty, and quite frankly I don't get how she could even entertain the idea of marriage having documented all that she has here where she can read out their patterns nice and clearly. I also appreciate it is very hard to do when you are the protagonist of said situation. But since she HAS opened her relationship up to the public for guidance why does she also dismiss everything that is being said to her only to come back a week later and post the EXACT same thing all over again?

 

It's ok to not want the advice that is given to you, THAT'S FINE. What is alarming is how she comes back and posts the exact same thing over and over and over again and expects different advice?!?! If you are unwilling to help yourself what more help can you get from others really?

 

 

The tension that is happening in this relationship is completely palpable and it stems from one place and one place only and that is that LB wants marriage and her boyfriend does not. LB sees that proposal as the ultimate reassurance that her b/f loves her and really wants to be with her, but the reality is that there is no stopping that need for reassurance even after he proposes to her and they do marry because her needs are never going to be fully met by this man since their dynamic already is what it is.

 

For starters they should not even be living together, if there are no concrete plans to marry there is NO REAL point for LB to living with this man, she is nailing the coffin with that move. He is completely comfortable with things as they are and he will have 0 incentive to take it to the next level, and she will always want more. Never EVER live with someone unless you are already engaged and concretely planning to get married, OR if you don't want marriage then sure go for it, but as a woman don't bother living with someone unless you are sure. They were already on rocky ground before living together, of course it will be worse now.

 

Personally I don't want her to break up but I do want her to take action and try a different approach this one is not working and NEVER will EVEN if he does marry her.

 

And as per Ariadne's comment that it is scarce out there in terms of mate selection, NONSENSE! you have as many options as you are willing to open yourself to have. NEVER EVER stay with someone out of fear of what is out there, that is not a good foundation for a loving relationship nor is it healthy for personal growth and emotional development.

 

Lastly it would seem LB just wants us to magically change her partner into someone she deems as the ideal mate and we don't have that kind of power, all we can do is guide her into how she can act in terms of creating a domino effect for the relationship in terms of getting what she needs but at times she seems to also shut that out so what else is there really?

 

WOW, great post. Gave me a lot to think about. You are absolutely right that I post about the same issue. My marriage obsession is what is causing all the tension and conflict. Yes we fight/disagree about other issues, but the main core concept is him not being ready. So I have decided that I don't want marriage right now. If he asks, great, if he doesn't okay. Despite the jerk I make him out to be, I love him and he does have some great qualities. He's very loving and sweet although sometimes he does have his bad moments. But hey, so do I. Nobody is perfect.

 

I won't stay in a relationship that makes me unhappy. I get everyone's "warnings" I really do. We do have some things to work out. But I don't think it's a lost cause yet. (despite what others think)

[Lauriebell82]

Then why does LB's boyfriend get a free pass to do so?

 

Simple. He doesn't.

[MindoverMatter]

donna: As far as I am concerned he shouldn't get a free pass. That's why I wrote in "any case". But LB needs to hold herself to the same standards.

[Lauriebell82]

He did in this situation, didn't he? As for the future, that remains to be seen.

 

No, he didn't get his "own way." We decided on it together. When we talked he said he would go to my parents if it meant a lot to me, but actually my parents were the ones who suggested that we just stay at our apartment and have his friend over. And I'm really glad we did, it was fun!

 

As far as I'm concerned that is no "his way" or "her way." We make decisions together.

[shadowplay]

nothings going to change in 3 months, trust me

 

I have to agree. I understand why you'd want to wait it out, though, to avoid living with your parents. I'm almost 99% positive he won't propose in that time if that's what you're hoping. This guy is so clearly not ready for marriage.

[shadowplay]

 

I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. Sure we have some issues but I want to try to work them out. If we can't and haven't moved on to the next level by April I will discuss the issue then. I know everyone will probably get on me about him and say I'm making excuses, deluding myself, ext. I feel like our talk went well though and I want to at least give it another shot before throwing in the towel.

 

Argh....You were so close, LB !!!

[Lauriebell82]

Argh....You were so close, LB !!!

 

I didn't have any plans to dump him right now. Everyone was "egging me on" so I thought about it a little bit, but it's not really what I want right now. If things were unbarable and we couldn't ever work anything out then that would be it. But we can..as long as I let go of this fixation with marriage. And maybe I really don't need marriage right now. I'm still young, don't want to have kids for 4 years, I don't know why I'm even in such a hurry! Because everyone else is married? I don't know. James was saying that he may feel that I just want to get married for the heck of it and not actually TO HIM. He probably does feel that way.

[Lauriebell82]

I was more "egging you on" to put your foot down and refuse to accept this sort of behavior. But you've found a way to let him change up plans on you while making it appear on the surface that you're fine with him disregarding your feelings as it applies to the WAY he tried to change plans on you.

 

If you don't mind always being the one to give in in order to smooth things over, then don't complain when that's the way life continues to be with this guy.

 

I understand what you are saying. I think I just snapped to conclusions because he was trying to "ditch me and be rude" when he really wasn't. Should he have just told his friend he had other plans? Yes. But I was wrong to jump down his throat when he was just trying to decide what to do together.

[Lishy]

LB, dont make excuses, your BF does exactly what he wants to do whether you like it or not and you deal with it by pretending you made the choice together and that you are fine with it!

 

Now you are pretending that you dont care about marrying him!

 

I guess it is your coping proccess but you will never be happy with this guy, he will always put your needs second to his! He is good at what he does though I give him that, he gets you thinking it is all your fault in 3.2 seconds and makes you truley believe it!

 

Having a child with a child would be ludicrous so I do hope you wait 5+ years before you breed with this guy

[Lauriebell82]

LB, dont make excuses, your BF does exactly what he wants to do whether you like it or not and you deal with it by pretending you made the choice together and that you are fine with it!

 

Now you are pretending that you dont care about marrying him!

 

I guess it is your coping proccess but you will never be happy with this guy, he will always put your needs second to his!

 

Having a child with a child would be ludicrous so I do hope you wait 5+ years before you breed with this guy

 

He doesn't always do what he wants, believe me. Of course I care about marrying him, but I need to stop OBSESSING about it. Wanting to get married, and needing to get married are seperate things.

 

He wants "freedom" because he isn't ready for marriage. That's just the long and the short of it. I'm not going to make excuses because that's what he does/how he feels.

 

Neither of us are anywhere near ready for children so that's not even on the table right now.

[Lauriebell82]

I know you are all trying to help and I appreciate it. This is just so hard though. It's the rest of my life, I want to make sure I make the right decision regarding it. I start thinking about bawling my eyes about when I think about him not being in my life.

[Star Gazer]

LB needs to know what her pattern is, she is clearly not happy in this relationship and no matter what the situation is or what they fight about with her boyfriend the scenario is always the same. It is starting to look at little nutty, and quite frankly I don't get how she could even entertain the idea of marriage having documented all that she has here where she can read out their patterns nice and clearly.

 

It's ok to not want the advice that is given to you, THAT'S FINE. What is alarming is how she comes back and posts the exact same thing over and over and over again and expects different advice?!?! If you are unwilling to help yourself what more help can you get from others really?

 

Amen, sister!

 

Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result?

 

I am beginning to disagree. I think the marriage issue is just another symptom of general incompatibility. They approach life very differently and LB has said so herself very often.

 

I agree completely. I don't think there's one poster on LS who believes LB and her BF are compatible.

 

This isn't completely accurate. He wants a traditional wife in the sense that she cooks and cleans for him, to his standard, but wants financial equality.

 

LB wants to be a SAHM but doesn't want to cook or clean.

 

Right. They want completely different things. This WILL NOT WORK.

 

Plus I've stopped caring about marriage/engagement so maybe that will get rid of all the tension in our relationship.

 

I take it back - THIS is the funniest thing I've ever read on LS.

 

At the request of MindoverMatter here are some happy times (in the last 6 months we'll go back):

 

a) DEF. yesterday, the superbowl was AWESOME!!!

b) Christmas at his parents was wonderful, we had so much fun with his family. Christmas at my parents for xmas eve

c) My birthday-2 celebrations: he took me out to a fancy dinner and then we went to a club with my best friend and her husband before they left to go back to CA. He was so sweet and was the "DD" and took a lot of pictures of my friend and I

d) Thanksgiving: we went to his aunt's house and had a blast. I got to know his extended family more and it was great.

e) Lots of wonderful weekends: bowling, renting movies, going out to dinner (we go about once per week), going to the bar, going out with friends, ect.

f) Great dinners/visits at my parents house. My mom cooked some great dinners.

g) He went and developed pictures of us and hung them on the wall as a surprise

h) he bought me flowers yesterday for being such a great girlfriend

 

These aren't "special moments." Those are all outward things, like MoM said. None of these things mean diddly squat when the two of you are not in harmony and on the exact same page in that moment of time. Watching the SuperBowl or going to dinner are outwardly things that mean relatively little.

 

As he said, "Situations that are made special by the inner workings of their relationship, not by outside things. Situations that give them strength. When I read LB, I often think that she gets strength from the outside to face her relationship problems."

 

All of these things just MASK the symptoms of a fatal relationship disease.

[Star Gazer]

No, he didn't get his "own way." We decided on it together. When we talked he said he would go to my parents if it meant a lot to me, but actually my parents were the ones who suggested that we just stay at our apartment and have his friend over.

 

BULLSH*T!

 

You WANTED to go to your parents house. This so called "agreement" that you made together was AFTER he made committed plans with you! This was AFTER you had already come here UPSET because he had BLOWN YOU OFF to play with orks! This was AFTER YOU had decided to go to your parents' house, and let him do what he wanted to do.

 

Deciding to stay home wasn't a compromise, LB. That's called giving in to your BF's wishes. Whether you had fun in the end is of no consequence.

[Lishy]

I know you are all trying to help and I appreciate it. This is just so hard though. It's the rest of my life, I want to make sure I make the right decision regarding it. I start thinking about bawling my eyes about when I think about him not being in my life.

 

LB, I would be more inclined to bawl my eyes out thinking of being with the wrong guy for the rest of my life!

 

Being in love is different to being compatible with your bf. Maybe once the marriage thing is done you will lose the rose coloured spectacles?

 

I am really not being mean by saying this, I say it out of caring I promise, open your eyes and stop making excuses and THEN you may be happy!

[bean1]

This reminds me so much of my first long-term relationship. Spending so much time and energy into convincing yourself that someone is "the one" for you when the opposite is slapping you upside the face and you don't want to see it. It's not that you can't see it - but that you don't want to, so you look away and pretend it will get better. It won't.

 

LB, are you just looking for someone to complain to, or want to actually do something about your life?

[JamesM]

I don't think there's one poster on LS who believes LB and her BF are compatible.

 

 

I believe they are compatible.

 

Making such a statement implies that they never get along and do not see eye to eye on anything.

 

I disagree.

 

As I have related before, I proposed to my wife after nine months of dating. It did not feel right. One month after the engagement, I said...enough, I am not ready. She said, "Then we are over" fully expecting me to cave and stay engaged. When I said okay it is over, she was devastated.

 

My feeling at the time and still remains...she wanted MARRIAGE more than she wanted ME. Does this mean we were not compatible? No. Did we have a different focus? Yes.

 

Anyhow, a month later...and after she had dated another guy, we were back together again. It was five more months before we were engaged again, and then I knew I was ready. She had decided that she would wait until I was ready, because she now knew it was ME she wanted.

 

So, after nineteen years of marriage, I know that I made the decision to marry her. If I had given in to her pressuring the first time, I don't think I could say that today.

 

And if there had been an LS at the time and my now wife had been a member, the advice given to her would have been similar to what Laurie is receiving. Dump him.

 

Thankfully, this was not the case.

 

I know of all Laurie's threads. I have read almost every one and every response to them. I cannot say she and her BF are completely compatible, but I also know that none here can say they are completely incompatible.

 

I know that my wife and I are not completely compatible. No couple is. BUT I do know that I love her with all of my heart and will do what I can do to resolver our differences. This is the key.

 

Could they end up making a compatible couple? Yes, without a doubt. Is it quite likely? Yes.

[Star Gazer]

LB, I would be more inclined to bawl my eyes out thinking of being with the wrong guy for the rest of my life!

 

Being in love is different to being compatible with your bf.

 

Truer words have never been spoken!

[bean1]

I also agree that they aren't exactly "incompatible" BUT a healthy relationship requires each person to accept each other's faults, be willing to compromise, and, how do I say this? Not make such a big deal over silly little issues - BOTH of them!? I see that a lot in LB's posts. Although she usually bends to what he wants, I can still see that the resentment is there and it seems to come out in more backlash. Like a snowball, rolling down a hill, getting bigger and bigger...

[Star Gazer]

I believe they are compatible.

 

Right now??? Are you SERIOUS?! Then, with all due respect, I'm going to have to keep that in mind when reading your advice to me. Then again, you did tell me that you thought my ex and I had a serious future, and we all know how that turned out.

 

Your example about your relationship is strictly aimed towards being ready for marriage. In my eyes, that's not what makes LB and her BF incompatible. It's the following:

 

1. Completely different approaches to life, including ideas about responsibility for earning income and spending it (i.e., MONEY)

2. Different ideas about how to run a household (one is OCD, the other is messy)

3. One gets drunk, the other does not

3. Constant fighting

4. A complete inability to communicate, including yelling and name calling

4. One wanting constant security, the other wanting constant freedom

5. One being dependent on the other for all social outlets

6. BF's lack of respect for LB

 

And this is just off the top of my head... none of which includes LB is ready to be married, and BF most certainly is not. Not now, who knows if ever.

 

I know that my wife and I are not completely compatible. No couple is.

 

I completely disagree. Compatibility isn't about sharing EVERYTHING in common. It's about sharing the IMPORTANT things.

 

Fact of the matter is, LB isn't happy. Are compatible couples happy? Or sad, and always upset, the way LB is?

 

Could they end up making a compatible couple? Yes, without a doubt. Is it quite likely? Yes.

 

I'm.... amazed. Amazed.

[Lishy]

 

I know that my wife and I are not completely compatible. No couple is. BUT I do know that I love her with all of my heart and will do what I can do to resolver our differences. This is the key.

 

Could they end up making a compatible couple? Yes, without a doubt. Is it quite likely? Yes.

 

James, I have said before that you give LB great advice. I have to disagree with you here though.

 

Like you have said, you will do what you can to resolve your differences, this is where LB's BF falls flat on his face. He only resolves things to suit himself. She gets upset, talks to him, agrees to what he wants and then feels happy that they have resolved things!

 

To reiterate, he pays lip service to her and nods in all the right places and the situation remains the same but with LB feeling happier that he listened to her.

 

Do you remember when he kicked her out of the apartment for the night and she did not want his friends there? How did it end up? LB stayed at her mums which she desperately did not want to do and made out she was happy with it!

Vegas? He still went and she made out she was happy with it

 

And there is much more that I do not have time to type.

 

The problem here is that LB is a great girl and easy going and he can play her like a fiddle and convince her that her needs are being met when the only needs being met are HIS!

[ColorCube]

I believe they are compatible.

 

Making such a statement implies that they never get along and do not see eye to eye on anything.

 

I disagree.

 

As I have related before, I proposed to my wife after nine months of dating. It did not feel right. One month after the engagement, I said...enough, I am not ready. She said, "Then we are over" fully expecting me to cave and stay engaged. When I said okay it is over, she was devastated.

 

My feeling at the time and still remains...she wanted MARRIAGE more than she wanted ME. Does this mean we were not compatible? No. Did we have a different focus? Yes.

 

Anyhow, a month later...and after she had dated another guy, we were back together again. It was five more months before we were engaged again, and then I knew I was ready. She had decided that she would wait until I was ready, because she now knew it was ME she wanted.

 

So, after nineteen years of marriage, I know that I made the decision to marry her. If I had given in to her pressuring the first time, I don't think I could say that today.

 

And if there had been an LS at the time and my now wife had been a member, the advice given to her would have been similar to what Laurie is receiving. Dump him.

 

Thankfully, this was not the case.

 

I know of all Laurie's threads. I have read almost every one and every response to them. I cannot say she and her BF are completely compatible, but I also know that none here can say they are completely incompatible.

 

I know that my wife and I are not completely compatible. No couple is. BUT I do know that I love her with all of my heart and will do what I can do to resolver our differences. This is the key.

 

Could they end up making a compatible couple? Yes, without a doubt. Is it quite likely? Yes.

 

I totally agree James, thank you for making this post.