New thread: Superbowl Weekend (and relationship drama)

[Star Gazer]

James, I have said before that you give LB great advice. I have to disagree with you here though.

 

Like you have said, you will do what you can to resolve your differences, this is where LB's BF falls flat on his face. He only resolves things to suit himself. She gets upset, talks to him, agrees to what he wants and then acts like she actually feels happy that they have resolved things!

 

To reiterate, he pays lip service to her and nods in all the right places and the situation remains the same but with LB acting as though she is feeling happier that he listened to her.

 

Do you remember when he kicked her out of the apartment for the night and she did not want his friends there? How did it end up? LB rolled over yet again and stayed at her mums which she desperately did not want to do and made out she was happy with it all in the guise of "compromise"!

Vegas? He still went and she made out she was happy with it

 

A perfect summation, Lishy... I just added the key points.

 

The problem here is that LB is a great girl and easy going and he can play her like a fiddle and convince her that her needs are being met when the only needs being met are HIS!

 

Precisely! How LB manages to bawl her eyes out and the thought of no longer being with someone who does NOT meet ANY of her needs is just... beyond me.

[Star Gazer]

James, I really appreciate your optimism, but it's not doing anyone any bit of good here. It didn't do me any good when you told me that you believed we'd make it (when we were - in hindsight - already over!), and you used your same story as "proof." You couldn't have been more wrong there, and you're equally wrong here.

 

Oil and vingear may work for salad dressing, but not for relationships.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I didn't have any plans to dump him right now. Everyone was "egging me on" so I thought about it a little bit, but it's not really what I want right now. If things were unbarable and we couldn't ever work anything out then that would be it. But we can..as long as I let go of this fixation with marriage. And maybe I really don't need marriage right now. I'm still young, don't want to have kids for 4 years, I don't know why I'm even in such a hurry! Because everyone else is married? I don't know. James was saying that he may feel that I just want to get married for the heck of it and not actually TO HIM. He probably does feel that way.

 

Tell you what. Dump him and date me. I'm better looking, I have more money, and I am very easy going!

 

Also, you wont feel like you need to get married, because it will be new. I know you feel the need for a progression in your relationship... like your moving towards something. I have a feeling that may be why your hoping for a wedding ring.

[MindoverMatter]

I know that my wife and I are not completely compatible. No couple is.

 

Right, because that would mean being married to your twin. And that's icky. (Much offense to anyone married to their twin. You are icky.)

 

As Star said, it's about being able to work things out in a good way. Communication is key, as you said. And that is where LB fails.

 

At first glance this might sound ridiculous given that they "talk it out" about twice a week, but they never resolve things. The same issues are being discussed and argued about over and over and over again.

Plans, problem solving techniques applied? None.

They talk, they usually agree to what boyfriend wanted in the first place and with LB saying that she is happy about it now. Even though the end result is exactly what she was dreading in the first place.

 

Now, I don't believe that you have to reach a conclusion that benefits both equally every single time. That's ilusional. But if the same thing keeps happening and one party is always feeling bad/hurt and ends up giving in, then there is a problem.

 

And I am not impressed by the list of good times she gave me. Most of those are outward things. And they are in the honeymoon stage.

[Lauriebell82]

Holy crap, wtf happened here? And people wonder why my threads get shut down and out of control...

 

It's funny that the comparison of James's marriage was dismissed, but everyone talks about how their loser ex's compare to my boyfriend.

 

It's irrelevant what anyone here thinks of my BF really. It's just opinions. You've never met him or seen us together. We are happy and have good times. "Caving" is something you sometimes have to do. Otherwise it's just a power struggle. Sometimes I cave, sometimes he does. He wanted to go home the whole week for xmas because he had it off and I didn't.

 

Despite the popular opinion, I actually DID have fun yesterday. The two of them were very considerate and did not even play with their orks, but hung out with me and watched the game. They were very gracious that I made grilled chicken and we had so much fun. Much more fun than I would have had at my parents. (no offense to them) I'm HAPPY that his friend came over and we all watched the superbowl!

 

Usually when I'm upset or angry I like to vent. I guess it's just a reaction because I'm a counselor and like to "get it all out." I think it's just interesting how quickly everyone turned on me the minute I defended my boyfriend/relationship. I guarantee that if I would have dumped him and moved out everyone would be so happy. But would I have been? HELL NO.

[Lishy]

Crack on and be happy LB, the next problem you have we should just tell you that he knows best and just do whatever he wants as we do not know him!

[Lauriebell82]

Right, because that would mean being married to your twin. And that's icky. (Much offense to anyone married to their twin. You are icky.)

 

As Star said, it's about being able to work things out in a good way. Communication is key, as you said. And that is where LB fails.

 

True.

 

At first glance this might sound ridiculous given that they "talk it out" about twice a week, but they never resolve things. The same issues are being discussed and argued about over and over and over again.

Plans, problem solving techniques applied? None.

They talk, they usually agree to what boyfriend wanted in the first place and with LB saying that she is happy about it now. Even though the end result is exactly what she was dreading in the first place.

 

It's true that we don't usually apply any problem solving techniques. But we are going to try. And I don't think I DREAD anything. Yeah, I bitch because I don't want to do something, but actually I end up having fun. He actually said he would go to my parents but I WAS THE ONE to suggest we just stayed at our apartment. I think everyone must have missed that part..or just not believed me when I said it.

 

And I am not impressed by the list of good times she gave me. Most of those are outward things. And they are in the honeymoon stage.

 

How do you know this? You weren't there...

And no we are not in the honeymoon stage.

[Lauriebell82]

Crack on and be happy LB, the next problem you have we should just tell you that he knows best and just do whatever he wants as we do not know him!

 

And if I come on saying I broke up with him everyone will throw me a party!

[bean1]

Fair enough LB, I think it's hasty for someone to say "dump him!" (After all, has anyone actually gone and done that from a messageboard opinion?)

 

I think the strong opinions really start flaring when you complain about him over and over again. Although most people love to vent about their problems, people really get sick of hearing about other people's problems over and over - IF they aren't willing to do anything to change it.

 

If you are a therapist, maybe you are more willing, than the average person, to hear someone vent about things they won't change. But the average person just gets sick of it.

[Star Gazer]

At first glance this might sound ridiculous given that they "talk it out" about twice a week, but they never resolve things. The same issues are being discussed and argued about over and over and over again.

 

Precisely. Nothing is ever resolved. It's the same sh*t, just a different day.

 

COMPATIBLE couples resolve issues. LB and her BF do not.

 

And I am not impressed by the list of good times she gave me. Most of those are outward things. And they are in the honeymoon stage.

 

I'm not impressed either.

 

And no we are not in the honeymoon stage.

 

You SHOULD be! That's the point! You two act like you're on the verge of DIVORCE, when you should be experiencing THE HAPPIEST time in your relationship RIGHT NOW.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It's irrelevant what anyone here thinks of my BF really. It's just opinions. You've never met him or seen us together. We are happy and have good times. "Caving" is something you sometimes have to do. Otherwise it's just a power struggle. Sometimes I cave, sometimes he does. He wanted to go home the whole week for xmas because he had it off and I didn't.

 

That sounds like a no.

 

LB, your threads are kind of funny to me. I wouldn't worry too much about what everyone else thinks. Well, maybe pay attention to the people with solid relationships, cause they tend to know what they are doing a little more.

 

Also, it's not caving... it's compromising. That more than healthy in a relationship.

[Lishy]

And if I come on saying I broke up with him everyone will throw me a party!

 

Probably! Then you could meet the 'right' guy and actually be happy!

 

The more I hear of you and him LB the more I see the incompatabilities. I know you do not want to hear that.

 

You do not compare to James and his wife, James knows how to compromise and your BF doesn't! YOU may have agreed to stay at home after you had arranged to go to your parents, but I believe that you did this as you could see he would not go anyway!

 

You are in denial LB. I thought at the beginning of this thread that you had changed your mindset, but I was wrong!

[Star Gazer]

It's funny that the comparison of James's marriage was dismissed, but everyone talks about how their loser ex's compare to my boyfriend.

 

My ex was hardly a loser, however, he is IDENTICAL to your BF in every single way. Are you calling YOUR BF a loser? Interesting.

 

Comparing your 2.5 year ALWAYS FIGHTING-about-one-thing-or-another-not-even-in-the-honeymoon-stage relationship to James' marriage of NINETEEN YEARS is ridiculous. Absolute crazy talk.

[Stockalone]

Holy crap, wtf happened here? And people wonder why my threads get shut down and out of control...

 

It's funny that the comparison of James's marriage was dismissed, but everyone talks about how their loser ex's compare to my boyfriend.

 

James's marriage is not a suitable blue print for eveyone else. Neither is breaking up with your bf based on other posters bad experiences. But when you open a thread, you will have to be ready for all opinions.

 

Obviously, you don't have to defend your choices, you only have to live with them. And there is always a risk whether or not a relationship makes it, there is no certainty. If you can be happy with your choices, then there is no problem.

 

 

 

Usually when I'm upset or angry I like to vent. I guess it's just a reaction because I'm a counselor and like to "get it all out." I think it's just interesting how quickly everyone turned on me the minute I defended my boyfriend/relationship. I guarantee that if I would have dumped him and moved out everyone would be so happy. But would I have been? HELL NO.

 

Then why do you get so upset over something that turns out to be a complete non-issue a day later? I don't understand that.

[RealizeImWorthIt]

Wow! If people could only spread this wealth of knowledge to other posters with concerns here...why is Laurie getting so much focus?

 

No one can say for certain whether or not these two are compatible. All you ever hear is Laurie's side. That doesn't cover everything by a long shot and you all know it.

 

Their compatibility shouldn't even be up for debate here unless she herself was asking for advice on that in particular.

[Star Gazer]

You are in denial LB. I thought at the beginning of this thread that you had changed your mindset, but I was wrong!

 

Yup. She's reverting back to her attacking ways, as well. Her language choice is very aggressive, and outward. If she cannot even resolve a difference opinion here, how will she ever be able to do that in her relationship?

[Lauriebell82]

Fair enough LB, I think it's hasty for someone to say "dump him!" (After all, has anyone actually gone and done that from a messageboard opinion?)

 

I think the strong opinions really start flaring when you complain about him over and over again. Although most people love to vent about their problems, people really get sick of hearing about other people's problems over and over - IF they aren't willing to do anything to change it.

 

If you are a therapist, maybe you are more willing, than the average person, to hear someone vent about things they won't change. But the average person just gets sick of it.

 

You are probably right. It becomes an outlet but then it just becomes a nightmare after that. I guess as a counselor I always have empathy, and while I don't always condone actions, I do try to use language that doesn't make the person feel bad about themselves. But it isn't like that hear. I remember SG and several others getting defensive and hurt by comments here. If I need to vent I'll just vent to friends. Thanks.

[ColorCube]

James, I really appreciate your optimism, but it's not doing anyone any bit of good here. It didn't do me any good when you told me that you believed we'd make it (when we were - in hindsight - already over!), and you used your same story as "proof." You couldn't have been more wrong there, and you're equally wrong here.

 

Oil and vingear may work for salad dressing, but not for relationships.

 

So I'm guessing that passive aggressive advice is better than optimism?

 

Giving kind advice is a little different than cramming one's opinion down their throat and when that advice is confronted with optimism then all that person's previous advice was terrible.

[Star Gazer]

Wow! If people could only spread this wealth of knowledge to other posters with concerns here...why is Laurie getting so much focus?

 

When posters have been around a long time - like LB has - those of us who have been around to follow her story are more interested in her situation than a newbie's. I guess that's just human nature, to be more interested in people you "know" than strangers.

[Lauriebell82]

Then why do you get so upset over something that turns out to be a complete non-issue a day later? I don't understand that.

 

Because everyone gets pissed off at responses that they don't like/want to hear and I feel like I have to defend myself..which of course I dont, so you are probably right about that.

[MindoverMatter]

It's true that we don't usually apply any problem solving techniques. But we are going to try. And I don't think I DREAD anything. Yeah, I bitch because I don't want to do something, but actually I end up having fun. He actually said he would go to my parents but I WAS THE ONE to suggest we just stayed at our apartment. I think everyone must have missed that part..or just not believed me when I said it.

 

You are right, I don't believe you. Because he first suggested that HE would stay in the apartment with his friend. After you seemed to stand your ground, he offered to go to your parents, if you so insisted and you rolled over. The first to plan on staying in the flat was your boyfriend, and if you want to delude yourself into thinking that it was differently, then so be it.

 

Btw. What techniques are you going to apply and in which situations? If you are going to try it, I guess you have someting up your sleeve in that regard?

 

How do you know this? You weren't there...

And no we are not in the honeymoon stage.

 

No, I wasn't. But you didn't give me an impressive list. You didn't what made those things special, which was what I asked for. But that's okay. And to me, a 2 year relationship without major worldly troubles, meaning one that hasn't had to face a serious crisis, is a honeymoon relationship. You can call it untroubled, easy stage relationship, if you prefer that term.

 

And if I come on saying I broke up with him everyone will throw me a party!

 

Speaking only for myself: no. I'd like to see you succeed in this relationship as much as I'd like you to see you reclaim yourself and move on. Should you break up, I would not be happy, but I would probably respect you for showing strength and wisdom.

 

However, that doesn't seem to be waiting in the future. You are not working your issues out, but drag them on, and you are still very far from being independent.

 

Crack on and be happy LB, the next problem you have we should just tell you that he knows best and just do whatever he wants as we do not know him!

 

Is this what you want, LB?

[carhill]

And if I come on saying I broke up with him everyone will throw me a party!

I'd be sad for you

 

I'm trying to avoid projecting my own hurts onto your situation, but I must say I continue to see disparate perspectives and valiant attempts to selflessly bend on your part. Emotional suicide is overrated, trust me

[Untouchable_Fire]

When posters have been around a long time - like LB has - those of us who have been around to follow her story are more interested in her situation than a newbie's. I guess that's just human nature, to be more interested in people you "know" than strangers.

 

Is that why you guys used to dogpile ShadowPlay??? Is that still going on?

 

I always guessed it was because she was kinda crazy.

[Star Gazer]

So I'm guessing that passive aggressive advice is better than optimism?

 

There's nothing passive aggressive about my advice.

 

I must repeat Tomcat's question here. Do YOU have ANYTHING to add to LB's situation, any advice to give HER, other than picking apart what I have to say? I mean, really? Can you provide YOUR insight on her situation to HER? Please?????????????

 

Giving kind advice is a little different than cramming one's opinion down their throat and when that advice is confronted with optimism then all that person's previous advice was terrible.

 

When everyone else said otherwise, James told me that he was certain my ex and I had a future. He based that on his history with his wife. Now he tells LB that he believes she's compatible, when everyone else here is saying otherwise. Just sayin'.

 

If LB was as oh-so-happy as she claims she is, she wouldn't be so upset all the time, repeating the same tizzy every week/month.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't know I guess I just thought that at LS there is no limit on how much you can post about a relationship. Really, if everyone is sick of hearing about my troubles I'm unsure why my threads get so big. If you are sick of hearing it, then why respond? Seriously...