New thread: Superbowl Weekend (and relationship drama)

[MindoverMatter]

You are probably right. It becomes an outlet but then it just becomes a nightmare after that. I guess as a counselor I always have empathy, and while I don't always condone actions, I do try to use language that doesn't make the person feel bad about themselves. But it isn't like that hear. I remember SG and several others getting defensive and hurt by comments here. If I need to vent I'll just vent to friends. Thanks.

 

Elvis has left the building, I think. Once again..

 

And btw, LB, I think you will get better responses that are more to your liking by confidently approaching the posters whom you find nightmarish and without empathy. Most of the people who have been posting to me seemed to be very concerned about your well-being and deserve better than this passive-aggresive bowing-out. As a counselour, I am sure you are trained in this.

[ColorCube]

There's nothing passive aggressive about my advice.

 

I must repeat Tomcat's question here. Do YOU have ANYTHING to add to LB's situation, any advice to give HER, other than picking apart what I have to say? I mean, really? Can you provide YOUR insight on her situation to HER? Please?????????????

 

 

This is a very passive aggressive statement in itself.

 

then so is this,

Right now??? Are you SERIOUS?! Then, with all due respect, I'm going to have to keep that in mind when reading your advice to me. Then again, you did tell me that you thought my ex and I had a serious future, and we all know how that turned out.

 

Star, can you not just give LB your well thought out advice and let it lay out there for her to take or leave?

 

Must she only accept your advice? or is it okay if she picks some of James's advice to use too?

 

Your message is getting lost is all your heated debate, you have made good points in some of your advice but becuase you are so heated nobody is seeing it.

 

JMO

[Star Gazer]

Because everyone gets pissed off at responses that they don't like/want to hear and I feel like I have to defend myself..which of course I dont, so you are probably right about that.

 

I believe he was referring to you getting upset with your BF, not posters here.

 

Is that why you guys used to dogpile ShadowPlay??? Is that still going on?

 

I always guessed it was because she was kinda crazy.

 

As for SP, I think it's a little of both. We were there through it all, and (as I'm sure you've noticed) most of us have given up home in that situation.

 

Just as most of us will soon do with LB, I'm afraid. Like SP, soon most of LB's threads will go largely unanswered by those who (used to) care.

[JamesM]

:lmao:

 

Have you ever stuck a stick in a bees hive or a hornets nest?

 

Wow!

 

Speaking of amazement....whew!

 

 

Right now??? Are you SERIOUS?! Then, with all due respect, I'm going to have to keep that in mind when reading your advice to me. Then again, you did tell me that you thought my ex and I had a serious future, and we all know how that turned out.

 

Yes, I think I was serious.

 

And please ALWAYS keep someone's past in mind when reading advice given.

 

As for your own life, my advice given was based on information received. I certainly have been wrong many times, but that does not mean all advice is then discounted.

 

With all due respect, giving someone advice on how to conduct themselves for a long term relationship when one has not had success themselves can be considered suspect as well.

 

I always know the past of someone when I read advice given.

 

Your example about your relationship is strictly aimed towards being ready for marriage. In my eyes, that's not what makes LB and her BF incompatible. It's the following:

 

 

1. Completely different approaches to life, including ideas about responsibility for earning income and spending it (i.e., MONEY)

 

My parents have been married fifty years, and my dad is the saver and my mom is the spender. This incompatibility makes their relationship better. Has it been a problem? Yes. Does that mean they never should have gotten married? No.

 

Can this difference be compromised and resolved? Absolutely. My wife and I had the same issue but not as severe. Actually, we both liked to spend. Now we have come full circle....we both try to save. Were we both on the same page at the same time? No. I began getting concerned about our future first. It was a battle to get her there, too.

 

2. Different ideas about how to run a household (one is OCD, the other is messy)

 

My wife was and is much more "OCD" than I am. This is an area that we always need to work at. I always need to remember to pick up after myself.

 

3. One gets drunk, the other does not

 

So? Does that mean the one will always get drunk and the other not? Poor logic.

 

3. Constant fighting

 

Define fighting. Is this determined by how often LB posts "the fights?"

 

Good couples do fight. How they resolve the fights determines their ability to survive.

 

For the first two years of my marriage, we had quite a few fights as compared to now. One major one a week was not out of the ordinary.

 

Did we think we fought a lot? Not really. NOW we think we did.

 

4. A complete inability to communicate, including yelling and name calling

 

While we never have called each other names, we have yelled.

 

4. One wanting constant security, the other wanting constant freedom

 

Again, this is a difference in many couples. Usually, the more independent one brings out the social in the other.

 

5. One being dependent on the other for all social outlets

 

Again, not necessarily a deal breaker.

 

My sister as an example is not social and when first married, she had to learn that my BIL loves to socialize as often as possible. They do it mostly together, but they have both learned to compromise...and no one feels he or she is losing anything.

 

6. BF's lack of respect for LB

 

...as told to us by LB herself. While this may be her perception, it may not be reality.

 

And this is just off the top of my head... none of which includes LB is ready to be married, and BF most certainly is not. Not now, who knows if ever.

 

I am glad it was off the top of your head as it is only your opinion.

 

 

Compatibility isn't about sharing EVERYTHING in common. It's about sharing the IMPORTANT things.

 

Yes and no. There are certain areas we need to think alike, but the areas of finance and some of those listed can be changed quite easily. I say that from my many years of marriage.

 

The person I was when married is not the person I am now. I rarely did laundry, cooking, or dishes when we first were married. Now I do them as much or more than my wife.

 

Fact of the matter is, LB isn't happy.

 

No, only because she is uncertain about her future.

 

Are compatible couples happy? Or sad, and always upset, the way LB is?

 

I think some lessons in marriage are in order for some here. Happiness is not determined by compatibility. It is determined by the ability and resolve to unite and empathize with the other person. We can learn from our incompatibilities. I truthfully could give many examples of areas that my wife and I have differed. Some we still differ. Others we now think alike.

 

I'm.... amazed. Amazed.

 

Every day I am amazed at something. And the one thing that amazes me about marriage is how hard and yet how easy it is.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't know I guess I just thought that at LS there is no limit on how much you can post about a relationship. Really, if everyone is sick of hearing about my troubles I'm unsure why my threads get so big. If you are sick of hearing it, then why respond? Seriously...

 

I don't think people are sick of hearing about your situation.

 

Actually, I think because they like you and know your story it frustrates them when they don't see a progression. So, when you make a thread they are interested, and want to help in some way.

 

Also, many of them are projecting their own experiences onto you. You should realize that when you vent a little about something... others will see your feelings and relate. Typically that means going back to some Dbag ex.

[Lauriebell82]

I gotta go back to work, don't know if I'll be back or not as I've gotten the advice I need (and yes I am considering all of it, despite disagreeing with everyone about my relationship). The more I defend the more irrated everyone seems to get. The problems is resolved though, and please no smart alleck remarks about "okay until the next time." Makes me feel like sh*t.

[JamesM]

James, I really appreciate your optimism, but it's not doing anyone any bit of good here.

 

Thank you for your condescending bit of advice. My advice comes from my experiences. Yours comes from your experiences. LB can take what she needs and use it. Two sides are good.....all pessimism is not good either.

 

The only person that it needs to do any good for is Laurie. Since it disagrees with you, then I understand why you would find it "not doing anyone any bit of good."

 

It didn't do me any good when you told me that you believed we'd make it (when we were - in hindsight - already over!), and you used your same story as "proof." You couldn't have been more wrong there, and you're equally wrong here.

 

My advice is not a control of your future. You do that. Simply because my advice was not a good predictor of your future does not mean it was not correct.

 

Oil and vingear may work for salad dressing, but not for relationships.

 

Okay, that analogy feel flat. I guess I really don't cook enough.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know I guess I just thought that at LS there is no limit on how much you can post about a relationship. Really, if everyone is sick of hearing about my troubles I'm unsure why my threads get so big. If you are sick of hearing it, then why respond? Seriously...

 

Of course there isn't a limit, and no one is suggesting you stop posting about your issues.

 

What is being suggested, however, is that the number of threads you start is symptomatic of a larger problem.

 

What we would like you to do is stop starting threads because you're either HAPPY in your relationship or are able to work out MINOR conflicts on your own.

 

Elvis has left the building, I think. Once again..

 

And btw, LB, I think you will get better responses that are more to your liking by confidently approaching the posters whom you find nightmarish and without empathy. Most of the people who have been posting to me seemed to be very concerned about your well-being and deserve better than this passive-aggresive bowing-out. As a counselour, I am sure you are trained in this.

 

She approaches me privately via PM, and I give her the same advice there as I do here. Only difference is here, she passive-aggressively lashes out at me...and I'm sure others who are doing the same thing I am (private AND public advice).

 

This is a very passive aggressive statement in itself.

 

You STILL didn't answer the question, nor did you offer LB ANY ADVICE OF YOUR OWN. I'm not blind to that. You're trolling me. Please stop.

 

Must she only accept your advice? or is it okay if she picks some of James's advice to use too?

 

I'm in the majority. She can choose common sense, or blind optimism. I gather she'll choose the latter, as it's what she's been doing for 2+ years... and yet she's STILL unhappy. *shrug*

[Untouchable_Fire]

As for SP, I think it's a little of both. We were there through it all, and (as I'm sure you've noticed) most of us have given up home in that situation.

Just as most of us will soon do with LB, I'm afraid. Like SP, soon most of LB's threads will go largely unanswered by those who (used to) care.

 

Ummm... I kind of agree, but LB is clearly not nuts. I think she is dealing with some pretty typical relationship issues.

 

My wife was and is much more "OCD" than I am. This is an area that we always need to work at. I always need to remember to pick up after myself.

 

... so she has the problem and you have to change to accommodate it?

 

Do you get all the affection you need from your marriage?

 

I'm leaning towards saying your not the best template for a perfect marriage. What works for you may be specific to just you.

[Lauriebell82]

Oh something to add: haha, it's funny as much as my boyfriend's OCD stuff annoys me, I'm glad he's clean because he keeps me in line. If I was with someone who is messy like me or apartment would be a mess and really gross. That wouldn't be fun. Plus, I am trying harder. I tried hard to clean yesterday, I vacummed and straightened. I was proud.

[Star Gazer]

Thank you for your condescending bit of advice.

 

Disagreeing with you is condescending? Wow.

 

My advice comes from my experiences. Yours comes from your experiences. LB can take what she needs and use it. Two sides are good.....all pessimism is not good either.

 

I'm not a pessimist. From reading MY OWN relationship issues in the past, you know this. Please don't reduce me to that.

 

The only person that it needs to do any good for is Laurie. Since it disagrees with you, then I understand why you would find it "not doing anyone any bit of good."

 

She agrees with me in private. Hmph. Wonder why that is.

[ColorCube]

You STILL didn't answer the question, nor did you offer LB ANY ADVICE OF YOUR OWN. I'm not blind to that. You're trolling me. Please stop.

 

I not trolling, and the advice I have been giving her is seen in my posts

 

All of my posts have been within the loveshack guidelines and for you to tell me to stop posting is just not a nice thing to say

[Lauriebell82]

She agrees with me in private. Hmph. Wonder why that is.

 

Well, it's not really you, it's kind of when everyone jumps on the bandwagon with the whole thing.

 

But yes, sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't. It's hard to deal with uncertainty.

[Star Gazer]

"Relationship Drama" - taht's the title of this thread. Keep that in mind.

 

It's always a "new thread" about "relationship drama."

 

When does it end, James? When does LB get to be happy? At 9 months you PROPOSED to your wife. Granted, you weren't ready. But clearly, you were happy enough to propose!

 

My wife...

 

My wife...

 

My wife...

 

LB isn't your wife.

 

Define fighting. Is this determined by how often LB posts "the fights?"

 

Always arguing - yelling, screaming. BF calling LB a b*tch, repeatedly. LB "flipping out." BF telling LB she'll be a "horrible wife."

 

Good couples do fight. How they resolve the fights determines their ability to survive.

 

Do you know how they resolve their fights? By LB's BF saying, "Let's not fight." (Hug, there there.)

 

While we never have called each other names, we have yelled.

 

Again, you and your wife are wholly different than LB and her BF.

 

Again, this is a difference in many couples. Usually, the more independent one brings out the social in the other.

 

LB has admitted she has no friends and wants to spend all her time with her BF. When it's suggested she branch out, take some classes or something, to make friends of her own, what does she do? She comes up with the idea of taking ballroom dancing classes...with her BF. *sigh*

 

I am glad it was off the top of your head as it is only your opinion.

 

Actually, it's not. LB made the very same list HERSELF in the thread that precipitated this one.

[Star Gazer]

I not trolling, and the advice I have been giving her is seen in my posts

 

All of my posts have been within the loveshack guidelines and for you to tell me to stop posting is just not a nice thing to say

 

So smug.

 

(1) I never asked you to stop posting. I asked you to START posting some advice to LB, rather than me. I am not the subject of this thread, so giving me advice isn't helping LB at all.

 

(2) I have yet to see any advice from you to LB. I'd really like to see you give her some.

[Star Gazer]

Ummm... I kind of agree, but LB is clearly not nuts. I think she is dealing with some pretty typical relationship issues.

 

Oh, I agree completely. LB isn't nuts at all, and I'll reserve judgment on SP.

 

My only point is that eventually, most will tire of giving the same advice to the same person on the same issues over and over and over again.

[ColorCube]

(2) I have yet to see any advice from you to LB. I'd really like to see you give her some.

 

......

[Lauriebell82]

The main issue is that right now I'm happy. But then when we have an argument/disagreement I get pissed and totally change my perspective on the relationship. I don't know why that is, I'm not unhappy CONSTANTLY but when we have a disagreement I feel like I just want to die. It sucks. So trying to find solutions so those feelings don't come is what is the priority right now.

[Star Gazer]

We all would, CC. I'm sure LB would particularly appreciate you focusing your efforts in her thread towards HER, rather than me. So why don't you help her?

[Stockalone]

Because everyone gets pissed off at responses that they don't like/want to hear and I feel like I have to defend myself..which of course I dont, so you are probably right about that.

 

I am curious as to why it appears to be different regarding your bf.

 

Your bf changed plans and that pissed you off. How do you go from being pissed off to being happy about it? That is what I don't understand.

 

If I feel strongly enough about something to get pissed off, then I stay that way. I am not going to be indifferent or even happy about that very same thing the next day.

[Star Gazer]

LB - While perusing your threads the other day, I noticed you said you had plans to see a therapist/psychologist. Did that ever come to fruition?

 

I know you probably think you don't need counseling of you own, but I really, really think you (and your relationship) could benefit a GREAT DEAL from individual therapy.

[JamesM]

 

When everyone else said otherwise, James told me that he was certain my ex and I had a future. He based that on his history with his wife. Now he tells LB that he believes she's compatible, when everyone else here is saying otherwise. Just sayin'.

 

Is this the thread you refer to?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138279/

 

It cannot be, because everyone does not disagree with me. I know this is off topic, but you seem hell-bent on discrediting any advice given here. And my advice was that he appears confused and not ready to leave you. I gave my story as an example of a guy who has felt that way and actually ended up married to the woman he was confused about.

 

Your situation cannot even be closely compared to this one.

 

As for some sort of track record when advice given has actually solved a situation or been helpful, I don't have one, nor does anyone. Hopefully some have been helped by the multitude of angles given on each thread. I think we only can base it on those PMs we receive that say how appreciative the person was and how the advice helped IRL.

 

For all of us, this is probably the best reward.

 

As for Laurie and her BF being compatible, I think they can be. Maybe that is optimistic...maybe it is wrong. Or maybe it is right.

 

Time will tell. We all draw conclusions based on the information presented.

[ColorCube]

We all would, CC. I'm sure LB would particularly appreciate you focusing your efforts in her thread towards HER, rather than me. So why don't you help her?

 

My efforts have been focused towards her.

[ColorCube]

Time will tell. We all draw conclusions based on the information presented.

 

time will tell James, I posted that same statement a while back ago.

 

Even in our own lives no one of truly knows the answer to that LB, only time will tell if your relationship holds up.

There is a give and take and it does seem like it is unbalanced in your relationship but unbalanced give and take happens in all relationships, the key is if it straightens out before resentment settles in.

 

CC

[Lauriebell82]

I am curious as to why it appears to be different regarding your bf.

 

Your bf changed plans and that pissed you off. How do you go from being pissed off to being happy about it? That is what I don't understand.

 

If I feel strongly enough about something to get pissed off, then I stay that way. I am not going to be indifferent or even happy about that very same thing the next day.

 

Yeah, it's something I'm trying to figure out as well. I don't know what it is, when we have "talks" it just makes me feel better. But the problem with our talks is that while we resolve our feelings and "are understanding" the next disagreement that comes up the pattern repeats itself. They are not usually blow out arguments just "debates" I guess you can say in which we both get pissed off. We need to break the cycle, because it sucks.