New thread: Superbowl Weekend (and relationship drama)

[Untouchable_Fire]

Oh, I agree completely. LB isn't nuts at all, and I'll reserve judgment on SP.

My only point is that eventually, most will tire of giving the same advice to the same person on the same issues over and over and over again.

 

They may not be 500 post threads, but I think this will always generate some attention. As some tire and fade away... new people will join the conversation.

 

LB - While perusing your threads the other day, I noticed you said you had plans to see a therapist/psychologist. Did that ever come to fruition?

I know you probably think you don't need counseling of you own, but I really, really think you (and your relationship) could benefit a GREAT DEAL from individual therapy.

 

I think she would see a greater benefit from couples therapy.

 

The biggest issue I see in their relationship is respect. Sometimes they don't respect each other, and individual therapy may not bring that out. Especially since he tends to be the more dense of the two.

[shadowplay]

LB, when I first started reading your threads way back I felt like you and your bf had a pretty good relationship and that other posters were being overly harsh.

 

At this point, I've come around to the other side. I really don't think this guy would make you happy if you married him. There would always be issues and tension. Wouldn't you prefer to be in a relationship where you didn't even have to worry about crap like this? No relationship is perfect, but the really good ones have few problems and minimum work. I know there is a guy out there who you would love just as much (if not more) and who would treat you better than your current bf.

 

It was frustrating to watch how things unfolded in this thread, because I was impressed by the progress you were making toward being more independent. Then it all collapsed. Please, for your own happiness stick to your original plan and cut him loose after three months if nothing changes. If you do that you WILL eventually find yourself in a happier relationship. I PROMISE. You're too young to settle for something less than fantastic -- heck anyone is. Have some courage, please.

 

I'm not trying to attack you. I genuinely care about your well-being and hope you're strong enough to see the light.

 

Good luck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yeah, it's something I'm trying to figure out as well. I don't know what it is, when we have "talks" it just makes me feel better. But the problem with our talks is that while we resolve our feelings and "are understanding" the next disagreement that comes up the pattern repeats itself. They are not usually blow out arguments just "debates" I guess you can say in which we both get pissed off. We need to break the cycle, because it sucks.

 

Can you predict how he will react to a given situation?

 

How do you feel when he does not agree with you on something?

[Star Gazer]

Is this the thread you refer to?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138279/

 

That as well as a series of PMs.

 

Your situation cannot even be closely compared to this one.

 

Pfffft. I have made no efforts whatsoever to compare my situation with that guy to LB's situation. Only that you provided advice that was off before, using your same story.

 

As for Laurie and her BF being compatible, I think they can be. Maybe that is optimistic...maybe it is wrong. Or maybe it is right.

 

Time will tell. We all draw conclusions based on the information presented.

 

Precisely. You and 99% of the people here have very different conclusions.

 

However, 100% of us want to see LB happy.

[JamesM]

Do you get all the affection you need from your marriage?

 

I'm leaning towards saying your not the best template for a perfect marriage. What works for you may be specific to just you.

 

The question is...do I get all the SEX I want? No.

 

Do I get all the affection I need? Yes. Are we affectionate and loving? Absolutely. The amount of PDA and private affection as a means of expressing love is optimal for me.

 

Is my marriage perfect? No.

 

Can a long term marriage that has weathered many storms and had some of the same problems that LB mentioned be of some help to her situation? Yes.

 

Is it more helpful than the advice given by some who have never been married or who have never been in a LTR? I think so.

 

And as with all of us, what works for us based on our situations may not be of any help to LB. However, we can only give advice based on our own experiences.

 

Disagreeing with you is condescending? Wow.

 

Actually, the disagreement was not what was labeled condescending. It was the part about it not doing any good.

 

I'm not a pessimist. From reading MY OWN relationship issues in the past, you know this. Please don't reduce me to that.

 

I did not say you were pessimistic. I simply said it is good to have more than pessimism. Since you called me optimistic, I used pessimism as the opposite end.

 

She agrees with me in private. Hmph. Wonder why that is.

 

She agrees with what in private and who is she?

 

LB isn't your wife.

 

Correct. Her BF is not your past BFs either.

 

This is getting way off topic. LB knows my advice, and she can take it or leave it. For her sake, I had better quit the off topic discussion or her thread will be closed.

[Star Gazer]

At this point, I've come around to the other side. I really don't think this guy would make you happy if you married him. There would always be issues and tension. Wouldn't you prefer to be in a relationship where you didn't even have to worry about crap like this? No relationship is perfect, but the really good ones have few problems and minimum work. I know there is a guy out there who you would love just as much (if not more) and who would treat you better than your current bf.

 

It was frustrating to watch how things unfolded in this thread, because I was impressed by the progress you were making toward being more independent. Then it all collapsed. Please, for your own happiness stick to your original plan and cut him loose after three months if nothing changes. If you do that you WILL eventually find yourself in a happier relationship. I PROMISE. You're too young to settle for something less than fantastic -- heck anyone is. Have some courage, please.

 

Great points from someone who was put through the ringer.

 

I too hope you keep your promise to yourself to cut him loose in April if things don't change.

[bean1]

That old thread of SG's was quite interesting. You could have put LB's name in place and it would seem quite similar. Especially the comments that people make towards SG and the ones made by SG.

 

I guess the lesson of this story is that people need time to figure these things out for themselves! Who knows, perhaps in one year, it will be LB giving the advice to another girl...

[Star Gazer]

She agrees with what in private and who is she?

 

LB.

 

Correct. Her BF is not your past BFs either.

 

Pot or kettle, James. Which one do you want to be? If my ex - a different one than the one you know about - who was identical to LB's BF in every way, right down to buying a motorcycle at the 2.5 mark and having "guy's nights" at our place - isn't relevant, than certainly your nineteen year sexless marriage isn't either.

 

Funny how you didn't address any of the salient points raised in my post to you - the fighting, the name calling, the lack of respect, the "let's not fight" method of resolution, the fact that LB created that list of incompatibilities all on her own...

[Star Gazer]

That old thread of SG's was quite interesting. You could have put LB's name in place and it would seem quite similar. Especially the comments that people make towards SG and the ones made by SG.

 

EXACTLY! Hallelujah! That's why I am saying what I am now! Had I only LISTENED!!! OMG, what heartache I could have avoided!!!

 

Those fights I had with Lishy and Touche weren't for naught....

 

I guess the lesson of this story is that people need time to figure these things out for themselves! Who knows, perhaps in one year, it will be LB giving the advice to another girl...

 

I hope so!

[Star Gazer]

That old thread of SG's was quite interesting. You could have put LB's name in place and it would seem quite similar. Especially the comments that people make towards SG and the ones made by SG.

 

Another thing about this...

 

I have repeatedly suggested to LB that she go back and read her other threads - in their entirety. She's said that she's done this. It doesn't seem to phase her, at all... THAT concerns me.

 

Even in the height of the relationship in that thread quoted by James, I'd look at my threads involving that guy and found myself ... embarassed for myself. I knew everyone was right, I really did. I just didn't want to believe it. Oh boy, was I holdin' on for dear life!

 

Even now, I read those threads and think, "DOH!"

 

So the fact that LB reads her old threads, and yet continues to start new ones not seeing the pattern, makes me think she doesn't really understand that there IS a problem.

[Star Gazer]

You go back and read your old threads and think "DOH!" because you are no longer in that R. LB still can't see the forest for the trees 'cause she's still IN her R.

 

True, but like I said, even when I was in that relationship I'd read my threads and feel embarassed. Someone would say, "You keep repeating this cycle! You do!" and I'd go back to my threads to prove them wrong... And whaddyaknow:

[MindoverMatter]

She has said that she sees a cycle, though.

 

Yeah, it's something I'm trying to figure out as well. I don't know what it is, when we have "talks" it just makes me feel better. But the problem with our talks is that while we resolve our feelings and "are understanding" the next disagreement that comes up the pattern repeats itself. They are not usually blow out arguments just "debates" I guess you can say in which we both get pissed off. We need to break the cycle, because it sucks.

[Star Gazer]

She has said that she sees a cycle, though.

 

She sees the fights, yes. She's not in denial that they fight.

 

What she doesn't see is the cycle that goes like this:

 

~ Upset/fight (this is the part she sees, that's it)

~ Questioning whether they're compatible

~ Comes to conclusion that they want different things

~ BF gets nervous that she's coming to reality

~ BF appeases her by putting a band-aid on the current "symptom"

~ LB is happy that BF is trying to appease her, and thus lets BF have his way

~ LB convinces herself that the issue is resolved and happy

 

Repeat...

[carhill]

I've seen R's go on like this for years, and to some degree my M is like this; perhaps that is why I see the signs. Minimal energy input into problem resolution; finding the least compromising way to extract the most benefit. Ego-centric.

 

I'm talking about the BF here....

[sunshinegirl]

LB, I've read this entire thread, and...whew! I'm tired.

 

At risk of being kind of off-topic, I'm going to suggest something kinda kooky. Namely, this: check out The Pioneer Woman's blog.

 

Specifically, check out the story of how The Pioneer Woman met her husband . She's an LA-educated city girl who fell in love with a cowboy and they've since built a life together over the last decade or so, much of it documented in various places on the blog.

 

To be clear, I'm not suggesting you should go find your own cowboy.

 

BUT. What I LOVE about her story is that she had a number of boyfriends before meeting "Marlboro Man" who just weren't quite right in one way or another (which she talks about at some length over the course of the "Black Heels to Tractor Wheels" saga).

 

Marlboro Man was so qualitatively different (confident, not wishy-washy, clear about what he wanted, mature, caring, unafraid to express his feelings...a whole great big raft of wonderful qualities) that she immediately knew she had met the real deal.

 

I love that, despite being two wildly different people with totally different backgrounds, they have this tremendous respect and love for each other that seems to permeate everything about their lives together. These are two wildly compatible people.

 

I personally found it inspiring and it has renewed my own commitment to hold out for a man with similar qualities. I have some real cowboy creds to my own name, in fact, and I'm hoping that they will help me find my guy somehow, ha ha. But I digress.

 

If, after reading what you see there, you feel confident and happy about the kind of connection you and your BF have, then maybe it's time for us to back off here. (And, to be clear, I am including myself in the "us" of the SG, Lishy variety that is concerned about your true compatibility with your BF - hope that's okay, folks.)

[MindoverMatter]

Oh, I agree! I love the pioneer woman's blog. That's the kind of relationship I am hoping to be in one day.

[Star Gazer]

I LOVE that Story, Sunshine!! THANK YOU for sharing it!!!

 

I *think* I've found my Marlboro Man.

 

And oh man... the difference is like night and day.

[Lauriebell82]

She sees the fights, yes. She's not in denial that they fight.

 

What she doesn't see is the cycle that goes like this:

 

~ Upset/fight (this is the part she sees, that's it)

~ Questioning whether they're compatible

~ Comes to conclusion that they want different things

~ BF gets nervous that she's coming to reality

~ BF appeases her by putting a band-aid on the current "symptom"

~ LB is happy that BF is trying to appease her, and thus lets BF have his way

~ LB convinces herself that the issue is resolved and happy

 

Repeat...

 

Eh, sort of. More like:

 

Cyle is:

-upset/fight

-questioning compatibility/worrying about future

-voice concerns to boyfriend

-BF gets nervous and apologizes and professes love

-LB accepts and is happy again bc she loves him

 

Kind of similar, accept we do work out some kind of compromise usually. It's not always me that *rolls over,* he makes compromises too. Usually it's not the same issue either, we resolved the cleaning/cooking issue and never argued about that again. We do have his "friend" issue. We are trying to meet each other half way there.

[Lauriebell82]

I've seen R's go on like this for years, and to some degree my M is like this; perhaps that is why I see the signs. Minimal energy input into problem resolution; finding the least compromising way to extract the most benefit. Ego-centric.

 

I'm talking about the BF here....

 

I disagree with you there. He did put effort into resolving the disagreement. We both did.

[Lishy]

I disagree with you there. He did put effort into resolving the disagreement. We both did.

 

How did he do this LB, if you don't mind me asking?

[Lauriebell82]

How did he do this LB, if you don't mind me asking?

 

Well, we didn't get into an argument about it the night before, I was a little upset when he said his friend had suggested that he come over for the superbowl. He saw I was getting upset, so he suggested we talk in the morning because it was late and I had to go to bed. So since I was still upset the next morning I vented on loveshack.

 

Anyway, that night he came home and asked if I wanted to talk. We sat down and he asked why I was upset. So I told him I felt like he was breaking plans that he had already committed to with me so he could hang out with his friend. He told me the story, that his friend called and suggested this to him. He told his friend that he would talk to me about it, but didn't tell him that he was breaking his plans with me. (I got upset the night before before he could tell me that). So he told me the whole conversation and said that he did want to watch the game with his friend, however he would go to my parents bc he had already agreed and he knew it meant a lot to me. He said he thought I was actually be okay with it because I had told him that if he wanted to go to these other people's house he could (we went to their house for the playoffs and it was AWEFUL). He decided not to though and agreed to go to my parents, so that's why I said I was upset. He said he understood. I talked to my dad and he suggested that we just stay here because it would probably be more fun and he was sure that my BF wanted to stay here. So it was actually my DAD'S idea for me to stay here. So I told my BF and he said he appreciated it and said that he would take me out to dinner next weekend for being understanding.

 

We finished talking and he said he loved me and didn't want to lose me and he wants to try to compromise and talk things out instead of just reverting straight to fighting and lashing out at each other.

[carhill]

Your BF and my wife need to get together. That's some outstanding work.

 

Edited to add that, when it gets that complex, I like to see it in writing and have my lawyer review it

[Lishy]

LB, reading what you wrote sounded, at first, like you both compromised - But I think deep down he played a good game, he knows how to play you and he knew by offering to cancel his friend that you would feel as if you had won and allowed him to stick to seeing his friend - Double Bamboozle!!!!

 

He is good!

 

Maybe I am wrong and you will both be really happy, I do hope I am wrong you know, you deserve to be happy!!

[Lauriebell82]

Your BF and my wife need to get together. That's some outstanding work.

 

Edited to add that, when it gets that complex, I like to see it in writing and have my lawyer review it

 

I thought it was a decent convo and solution, I guess that's why I was a little confused by everyone's reaction. My one friend (who is dating his friend casually) told me that his friend thinks I should resign the lease. Not sure what that means though...

[Lishy]

LB,I wonder how it would have been had you insisted he came to your parents? I would bet money that you would have argued and he would have still seen his friend.

 

It seems that people all around you (your mum, his friend, your friends, 80% of us here) think that you deserve more - I wonder when you will realise this too?