New thread: Superbowl Weekend (and relationship drama)

[Lauriebell82]

Totally agree with this. I can almost guarantee that if they got married this year, it would escalate and get worse. No doubt about it.

 

LB, he seems like a good guy at heart, he's just not for you. You both don't accept each other as you are. I've said this a zillion times. If you have to constantly try to twist yourselves into a pretzel to stop the fighting and please each other, then you're not a match.

 

He needs someone way more laid-back and secure. Someone who isn't ready for marriage now. Someone to just hang out with when he wants to. Someone who cooks and keeps the place spotless.

 

You need someone who makes your feelings and needs a priority most of the time. Someone who is completely devoted to you and wants marriage and children within a year or two. Someone who doesn't mind doing most of the cleaning and cooking. (And yes there ARE men like that!)

 

You're just wrong for each other.

 

Okay, if all those things are true, why does he still want to be with me? If he knows all those things and doesn't accept them, they why hasn't he broken up with me? Why did he say last night how much he loves me and couldn't stand the thought of losing me? Why did he say he'll never let me go?

 

Oh, to answer an obvious coming question, I stay because I love him. Because I want to give him a chance. Because I would be in so much pain if I wasn't with him. Maybe I stay because I hope one day he will change his mind and want to get married.

[Lishy]

The BIG question Laurie, is WHY you want to marry him? This relationship is one drama after another

 

Do you just want to get married so much that you dont care who you marry or wonder if it will be successful?

[BubblyPopcorn]

Based on your posts, I understand your views but I can also understand them from your BF’s standpoint. Aside from the squabbling, I’m not sure what it is that you believe will change if/after the two of you are married? I’m not saying that in regards to your BF’s behavior or lack thereof, but for arguments sake, pretend you two did get married, then what? What changes for you after that?

 

Somewhere in all of this, I get the impression that you feel as though your BF does not meet all of your needs and/or requirements. If that’s the case, why do you want to marry HIM? What is it that you truly love about him and is of most importance to you? If you’re willing to forgo your relationship with him and leave him because he won’t “marry” you, are you more in love with “marriage” itself or the “man” you choose to marry and is it POSSIBLE that your bf realizes the same thing about you and therefore is hesitant to fully commit?

 

I’m just trying to understand from your standpoint what it is about “marriage” that you view as a solution to all of this.

[MindoverMatter]

Okay, if all those things are true, why does he still want to be with me? If he knows all those things and doesn't accept them, they why hasn't he broken up with me? Why did he say last night how much he loves me and couldn't stand the thought of losing me? Why did he say he'll never let me go?

 

Because he loves you. Because he wants the relationship to go on. Because he would be in so much pain if he were not with you. Maybe he stays because he hopes that you will change your attitude towards marriage and be more relaxed.

 

We don't fight about money. We used to, but not anymore. Maybe cleaning, but that's because he is a neat freak and I'm not. We reached a compromise on that, seems to be working well. He can be controlling and snap at me, but I am not submissive and won't stand for it. That's pretty much why we get into it. And that is probably where the mismatch is...

 

If money, cleaning and controlling wouldn't be issues to you, you wouldn't have posted them in your list of his flaws a while ago.

[Lauriebell82]

The BIG question Laurie, is WHY you want to marry him? This relationship is one drama after another

 

Do you just want to get married so much that you dont care who you marry or wonder if it will be successful?

 

No. If I just wanted to get married then I would have married my ex instead of breaking up with him.

 

I already told everyone the reason I want to marry him. We have some GREAT times together. I would not trade those for anything. Our good times are so wonderful and that's the greatest part of our relationship. We like to do all the same things and have a blast doing them together. The bad times suck, yes, but the good times are what keep me there.

[Lauriebell82]

Because he loves you. Because he wants the relationship to go on. Because he would be in so much pain if he were not with you. Maybe he stays because he hopes that you will change your attitude towards marriage and be more relaxed.

 

Yeah and I keep thinking that if he really truley loved me and didn't want to lose me he'd jump at the chance to make sure I'm his.

 

 

If money, cleaning and controlling wouldn't be issues to you, you wouldn't have posted them in your list of his flaws a while ago.

 

They are issues for me. BUT just because they are issues doesn't mean they can't be worked out.

[Lauriebell82]

Somewhere in all of this, I get the impression that you feel as though your BF does not meet all of your needs and/or requirements. If that’s the case, why do you want to marry HIM? What is it that you truly love about him and is of most importance to you? If you’re willing to forgo your relationship with him and leave him because he won’t “marry” you, are you more in love with “marriage” itself or the “man” you choose to marry and is it POSSIBLE that your bf realizes the same thing about you and therefore is hesitant to fully commit?

 

I’m just trying to understand from your standpoint what it is about “marriage” that you view as a solution to all of this.

 

You are right about the dynamic of our relationship. He may think I'm so obsessed that he doesn't know if it's really him that I want to marry. And to be honest, during the bad times I do wonder. But during the good times I couldn't be happier and I feel that I have him so that makes me happy. Sometimes I do feel that I am happy and I could wait for him to be ready and enjoy myself. When we are having a good time together I forget all about marriage and just have fun with him. But when we have fights/bad times it drums up all the feelings of "well he doesn't want to marry me so why am I here?"

[alphamale]

Because I love him and don't want to let him go. He loves me too, even if he isn't ready to get married right now. Yes, I realize sometimes love isn't enough, but since we do love each other and DO have some great times together we are willing to work on it.

but most couples love each other and have great times on occasion...but if your long-term goals are very different there is no point in keeping it going, innit?

[Touche]

Okay, if all those things are true, why does he still want to be with me? If he knows all those things and doesn't accept them, they why hasn't he broken up with me? Why did he say last night how much he loves me and couldn't stand the thought of losing me? Why did he say he'll never let me go?

 

I think he does love you. As to why he hasn't broken up well I think because he mostly gets what HE wants. You're there for him when he wants you to be.

 

His needs are mostly met, obviously.

 

Oh, to answer an obvious coming question, I stay because I love him. Because I want to give him a chance. Because I would be in so much pain if I wasn't with him. Maybe I stay because I hope one day he will change his mind and want to get married.

 

I know you love him. But as you know love isn't enough. You can love someone with all your heart and still be incompatible. Trust me, been there.

 

I think people who stay with each other because they think things will change are in for a rude awakening. It's a bad reason to stay with someone. They're either who you want them to be NOW or they aren't and may never be.

 

If you want to take that chance of sticking around and waiting for him to be and do what you want, that's your choice. I just hope you don't regret it (like I did) one day. I hope you don't say "Wow, I wasted (fill in the blank) years with him."

 

You're taking a gamble and I hate to say it but the odds are decidedly not in your favor.

 

Yes, I do understand why you're both still together. I see that you love him and think he's a great guy. And let's face it, the unknown can be scary. It's easier to stay with the familiar even if they're not a match than to leave and take the chance again at love. That's the harder thing to do. But good things don't come easily.

 

You can keep working on this relationship. You might even get to a point where you fight less. Maybe you'll end up bending to his will and learn to not resent it. Maybe he'll accept you as you are and not be so critical. Maybe he'll suddenly decide he loves you and wants to be with you enough to back that up with a proposal.

 

Or maybe not.

 

Like I said, it's all a gamble. It's your life to spend as you see fit.

 

Just speaking for myself, I really wish I hadn't spent 9 years with someone who was all wrong for me. I wouldn't listen to anyone. And everyone saw that we were horribly mismatched from the beginning. But I loved him and thought we could overcome anything. I thought he'd change. I thought I'd change. Bottom line was it was not right enough of the time. And it never was going to be. Lesson learned.

[Lauriebell82]

but most couples love each other and have great times on occasion...but if your long-term goals are very different there is no point in keeping it going, innit?

 

Our long term goals aren't different. He wants to get married and have kids like I do. WE both agreed we are waiting on kids. I think he may feel that "why do we need to get married if we aren't having kids right away." We have the same goals in life, I guess I just want to get married right now and he doesn't. He wants it eventually but not right now. That's the issue.

[Lauriebell82]

I know you love him. But as you know love isn't enough. You can love someone with all your heart and still be incompatible. Trust me, been there.

 

I think people who stay with each other because they think things will change are in for a rude awakening. It's a bad reason to stay with someone. They're either who you want them to be NOW or they aren't and may never be.

 

If you want to take that chance of sticking around and waiting for him to be and do what you want, that's your choice. I just hope you don't regret it (like I did) one day. I hope you don't say "Wow, I wasted (fill in the blank) years with him."

 

You're taking a gamble and I hate to say it but the odds are decidedly not in your favor.

 

Yes, I do understand why you're both still together. I see that you love him and think he's a great guy. And let's face it, the unknown can be scary. It's easier to stay with the familiar even if they're not a match than to leave and take the chance again at love. That's the harder thing to do. But good things don't come easily.

 

You can keep working on this relationship. You might even get to a point where you fight less. Maybe you'll end up bending to his will and learn to not resent it. Maybe he'll accept you as you are and not be so critical. Maybe he'll suddenly decide he loves you and wants to be with you enough to back that up with a proposal.

 

Or maybe not.

 

Like I said, it's all a gamble. It's your life to spend as you see fit.

 

Just speaking for myself, I really wish I hadn't spent 9 years with someone who was all wrong for me. I wouldn't listen to anyone. And everyone saw that we were horribly mismatched from the beginning. But I loved him and thought we could overcome anything. I thought he'd change. I thought I'd change. Bottom line was it was not right enough of the time. And it never was going to be. Lesson learned.

 

Thanks, lots of great points and advice. Game me some stuff to think about. I'm real scared I guess that I won't find someone else. That the next person will be terrible and screw me over completely. (the way my ex did) I mean what if I meet someone, everything is perfect, we are the perfect couple. Then we get married and it all turns to hell. What then? At least I know it's not always going to be hell with him. That he won't cheat or abuse me or make my life a living hell. At least I'll know that I'm be happy a lot.

[alphamale]

We have the same goals in life, I guess I just want to get married right now and he doesn't. He wants it eventually but not right now. That's the issue.

i highly doubt that...he's just stringing you along. this is a common tactic that many men utilize to keep women around until they find someone else

[Lauriebell82]

i highly doubt that...he's just stringing you along. this is a common tactic that many men utilize to keep women around until they find someone else

 

How do you even know that???? OH WAIT: YOU DON'T.

[Ariadne]

I know you love him. But as you know love isn't enough. You can love someone with all your heart and still be incompatible. Trust me, been there.

 

I think people who stay with each other because they think things will change are in for a rude awakening. It's a bad reason to stay with someone. They're either who you want them to be NOW or they aren't and may never be.

 

If you want to take that chance of sticking around and waiting for him to be and do what you want, that's your choice. I just hope you don't regret it (like I did) one day. I hope you don't say "Wow, I wasted (fill in the blank) years with him."

 

You're taking a gamble and I hate to say it but the odds are decidedly not in your favor.

 

Yes, I do understand why you're both still together. I see that you love him and think he's a great guy. And let's face it, the unknown can be scary. It's easier to stay with the familiar even if they're not a match than to leave and take the chance again at love. That's the harder thing to do. But good things don't come easily.

 

You can keep working on this relationship. You might even get to a point where you fight less. Maybe you'll end up bending to his will and learn to not resent it. Maybe he'll accept you as you are and not be so critical. Maybe he'll suddenly decide he loves you and wants to be with you enough to back that up with a proposal.

 

Or maybe not.

 

Like I said, it's all a gamble. It's your life to spend as you see fit.

 

Just speaking for myself, I really wish I hadn't spent 9 years with someone who was all wrong for me. I wouldn't listen to anyone. And everyone saw that we were horribly mismatched from the beginning. But I loved him and thought we could overcome anything. I thought he'd change. I thought I'd change. Bottom line was it was not right enough of the time. And it never was going to be. Lesson learned.

 

Wow you write so good Touche! Good to see you again!

 

And LB. Just stay with him and enjoy him and get pregnant. Seems like he is hot for you anyway, plus you are a psychologist so you can support yourself if things get impossible.

[Lauriebell82]

Wow you write so good Touche! Good to see you again!

 

And LB. Just stay with him and enjoy him and get pregnant. Seems like he is hot for you anyway, plus you are a psychologist so you can support yourself if things get impossible.

 

Well, I would NEVER get pregnant right now. And I'm not a psychologist, Im a counselor. HUGE difference in salary.

[oceangrl]

Him not putting you first -- I think that's the main issue here. Its about the things he does that shows you that he doesn't put you first. For example, this situation, the motorcycle, his friends coming over and him not wanting you there, things like that....they add up and make you realize you aren't as much of a priority as you would like. And by him proposing to you, you want him to show you that he is ready to make you more of his priority. IMO, thats why LB wants her BF to propose. She wants him make her a priority. So I don't think its about her wanting the marriage more than her BF. IMO, if I was in LB's situation, I would want to get married so that my BF's priorities change. And sometimes getting married won't change that, but I've seen it happen.

 

So I think moving out as soon as your lease is up will be a very positive thing, and not a sign of a break up because I've had a friend in your sitation and her bf realized that he didn't want to live without her. They are getting married in a few months. It lets you make your own life a priority....and hopefully it'll give him a chance to think about what he really wants.

[alphamale]

How do you even know that????

because i've seen many men do it

[Lauriebell82]

Him not putting you first -- I think that's the main issue here. Its about the things he does that shows you that he doesn't put you first. For example, this situation, the motorcycle, his friends coming over and him not wanting you there, things like that....they add up and make you realize you aren't as much of a priority as you would like. And by him proposing to you, you want him to show you that he is ready to make you more of his priority. IMO, thats why LB wants her BF to propose. She wants him make her a priority. So I don't think its about her wanting the marriage more than her BF. IMO, if I was in LB's situation, I would want to get married so that my BF's priorities change. And sometimes getting married won't change that, but I've seen it happen.

 

So I think moving out as soon as your lease is up will be a very positive thing, and not a sign of a break up because I've had a friend in your sitation and her bf realized that he didn't want to live without her. They are getting married in a few months. It lets you make your own life a priority....and hopefully it'll give him a chance to think about what he really wants.

 

You are right about the priority probably. I guess because I feel he hasn't really truley committed to me (i'm "just the gf") that a proposal will really be the only way to show me that. Yeah, I think it will give him a huge shock thats for sure by moving out. I already know he will be devasted and probably propose because he realizes what he stands to lose. The problem is, I don't want him to marry me just because I left. He shouldn't put me in a position where I felt I had to leave in the first place...

[Touche]

Thanks, lots of great points and advice. Game me some stuff to think about. I'm real scared I guess that I won't find someone else. That the next person will be terrible and screw me over completely. (the way my ex did) I mean what if I meet someone, everything is perfect, we are the perfect couple. Then we get married and it all turns to hell. What then? At least I know it's not always going to be hell with him. That he won't cheat or abuse me or make my life a living hell. At least I'll know that I'm be happy a lot.

 

You're welcome, LB.

 

You know you bring up some good points but see here's where you have to make a decision. Because although it's not horrible with him, you'd be settling for something that's less than the best.

 

And you're right, there are no guarantees in life. You can marry someone else and have it turn to crap. It's all a gamble. But there are ways to be smart and minimize that risk.

 

I mean speaking for myself, I was stupid the first time around. The second time around I minimized my risk and maximized my success by taking the blinders off and REALLY looking at our dynamic together and whether we were on the same page AT THE SAME TIME on life's big issues. See what I mean? Minimize your risk and the gamble isn't as big.

 

As it stands he's not at the same place as you are. Someday he might be or he might not be.

 

You have to be willing to give yourself that time table and stick to it.

 

I just don't think marriage is your main issue..as has been said. The dynamic between you is just off. And sure you have great times. And that's great. You just have to decide whether the bad times make up for those good times.

 

In the end, for me anyway, they didn't. Things just got worse and worse.

 

The biggest tip off for me should have been the fact that things were not great right from the start. And if things aren't good at the beginning then watch out! They rarely get better.

 

And no, I don't agree that he's consciously stringing you along. I think he's just simply not ready. And he may not be for quite awhile.

 

If he really wanted to string you along, he'd propose and either not set a date or set one and keep pushing the date back for one reason or another. So there, I don't agree with Alpha.

[oceangrl]

The problem is, I don't want him to marry me just because I left. He shouldn't put me in a position where I felt I had to leave in the first place...

 

Yeah that is hard - to find a way to leave without making it seem like an ultimatum.

[Lauriebell82]

You're welcome, LB.

 

You know you bring up some good points but see here's where you have to make a decision. Because although it's not horrible with him, you'd be settling for something that's less than the best.

 

And you're right, there are no guarantees in life. You can marry someone else and have it turn to crap. It's all a gamble. But there are ways to be smart and minimize that risk.

 

I mean speaking for myself, I was stupid the first time around. The second time around I minimized my risk and maximized my success by taking the blinders off and REALLY looking at our dynamic together and whether we were on the same page AT THE SAME TIME on life's big issues. See what I mean? Minimize your risk and the gamble isn't as big.

 

As it stands he's not at the same place as you are. Someday he might be or he might not be.

 

You have to be willing to give yourself that time table and stick to it.

 

I just don't think marriage is your main issue..as has been said. The dynamic between you is just off. And sure you have great times. And that's great. You just have to decide whether the bad times make up for those good times.

 

In the end, for me anyway, they didn't. Things just got worse and worse.

 

The biggest tip off for me should have been the fact that things were not great right from the start. And if things aren't good at the beginning then watch out! They rarely get better.

 

And no, I don't agree that he's consciously stringing you along. I think he's just simply not ready. And he may not be for quite awhile.

 

If he really wanted to string you along, he'd propose and either not set a date or set one and keep pushing the date back for one reason or another. So there, I don't agree with Alpha.

 

How did you know your husband was the "right one?" What is the difference between your two partners?

[Touche]

Wow you write so good Touche! Good to see you again!

 

And LB. Just stay with him and enjoy him and get pregnant. Seems like he is hot for you anyway, plus you are a psychologist so you can support yourself if things get impossible.

 

Hi Ariadne! Thanks.

 

You and your crazy advice. I've missed it. No, LB shouldn't get pregnant! :eek:That would be the worst thing to do.

[Touche]

How did you know your husband was the "right one?" What is the difference between your two partners?

 

OMG, they're like night and day Laurie. Want to know what the biggest difference is though? My ex brought out the very worst in me...my insecurities, my temper, etc. etc. My H brings out the best in me. I'm more giving and willing to please since he does the same for me. He listens to me and isn't highly critical like my ex. He's never verbally abusive like my ex was. My ex always made me feel like I had to prove myself and be on the defensive.

 

My H always accepts as I am, warts and all and loves me no matter what. He's always been that way..right from the beginning. He's so easy-going whereas my ex was very intense and moody.

 

My H's temperament is just a much, much better match for my type of personality. He really does still bring out the best in me even all these years later. He always makes me want to be the best "me" I can be.

 

Couple all of that with the fact that we were in the same stage in life at the same time, had the same values about all the big things in life, and I knew he was the ONE.

 

Also, our "fighting" style was right. No name-calling and demeaning and bringing up past fights like my ex and I did. We're able to hash out an issue without screaming, yelling and insulting one another. We listen. And when we can't agree we either compromise or we say "ok, I'll let you have this one."

 

Like with the cleaning thing, LB. He won that one. I had to change my ways for him. But he's cut me a bit of slack in that he won't complain much if "my" area (like my night table) isn't perfect.

 

But he's given in to me and changed stuff that drives me bats. It's an equal amount of give and take. With my ex it was all about control and domination. And it didn't help that I was 19 years younger than him. Guess he thought someone that much younger would be easy to dominate. And for the most part I WAS...until I hit 30 or so. Then it was all over. I started really standing up for myself and that's when the real problems began.

 

Anyway, hope I've answered your questions.

[Lauriebell82]

OMG, they're like night and day Laurie. Want to know what the biggest difference is though? My ex brought out the very worst in me...my insecurities, my temper, etc. etc. My H brings out the best in me. I'm more giving and willing to please since he does the same for me. He listens to me and isn't highly critical like my ex. He's never verbally abusive like my ex was. My ex always made me feel like I had to prove myself and be on the defensive.

 

My H always accepts as I am, warts and all and loves me no matter what. He's always been that way..right from the beginning. He's so easy-going whereas my ex was very intense and moody.

 

My H's temperament is just a much, much better match for my type of personality. He really does still bring out the best in me even all these years later. He always makes me want to be the best "me" I can be.

 

Couple all of that with the fact that we were in the same stage in life at the same time, had the same values about all the big things in life, and I knew he was the ONE.

 

Also, our "fighting" style was right. No name-calling and demeaning and bringing up past fights like my ex and I did. We're able to hash out an issue without screaming, yelling and insulting one another. We listen. And when we can't agree we either compromise or we say "ok, I'll let you have this one."

 

Like with the cleaning thing, LB. He won that one. I had to change my ways for him. But he's cut me a bit of slack in that he won't complain much if "my" area (like my night table) isn't perfect.

 

But he's given in to me and changed stuff that drives me bats. It's an equal amount of give and take. With my ex it was all about control and domination. And it didn't help that I was 19 years younger than him. Guess he thought someone that much younger would be easy to dominate. And for the most part I WAS...until I hit 30 or so. Then it was all over. I started really standing up for myself and that's when the real problems began.

 

Anyway, hope I've answered your questions.

 

Thanks, you really did. I just got this thought in my mind. My BF had to work today because it is the busy season for the accountants. I reluctantly agreed to do the laundry with agreement that I would hang up and fold everything so it wouldn't get wrinkled, and that if it "wasn't good enough" then he will need to fix it and do it for himself from now on. But I'm wondering what would happen if he got home and the laundry wasn't done. I'm wondering if he would be pissed off and aggrevated. I did put it off earlier in the week, so I don't know what he would say.

[MindoverMatter]

If you agree to do something and then don't, that's not very nice in any case. Even if the request wasn't to your benefit to begin with. It's better to do it once and then declare that you won't do it anymore, if you feel uncomfortable or off place.

 

LB:

 

Can you tell me what moments were really really GREAT with the bf? True situations, no generalisations?

 

Also, life is a gamble. He might never cheat, nor abuse you, but he might become a supernerd and live in the basement playing orcs and stuff for the rest of his life. That probably won't happen, but usually relationships tend to get less romantic with time, and babies. If you want to be in a lifelong commitment with him, then you need to love the day-to-day life with him. Not only the special moments.