New thread: Superbowl Weekend (and relationship drama)

[Touche]

My turn to ask questions:

 

Why are you wondering what he'd do? Why are you thinking about not doing something you already agreed to doing? Do you think you're maybe wanting to let him see what it feels like to agree to something and then not do it?

 

Did he agree to back off when you said you'd do it but if it wasn't good enough for him, he'd fix it himself?

 

Why are these chores still an issue, LB? By now this should have been resolved. I thought it was.

 

Seriously if you guys can't even work out a small thing like this, you're not ready for the larger issues that come with marriage, etc.

 

And why are you thinking of not doing it? You know how he'll react don't you? Is this a power play on your part? You want to hurt him back?

[oceangrl]

I'm assuming you've been reading too much "why men marry bitches"?

[Lauriebell82]

My turn to ask questions:

 

Why are you wondering what he'd do? Why are you thinking about not doing something you already agreed to doing? Do you think you're maybe wanting to let him see what it feels like to agree to something and then not do it?

 

Did he agree to back off when you said you'd do it but if it wasn't good enough for him, he'd fix it himself?

 

Why are these chores still an issue, LB? By now this should have been resolved. I thought it was.

 

Seriously if you guys can't even work out a small thing like this, you're not ready for the larger issues that come with marriage, etc.

 

And why are you thinking of not doing it? You know how he'll react don't you? Is this a power play on your part? You want to hurt him back?

 

Laundry is NOT my favorite thing to do. We actually had agreed to do it together but he had to work today and we have a TON of it so I agreed to it today. And I wouldn't just NOT do it on purpose. I think my point was that I shouldn't feel scared or wonder how he will react to certain things because it is just playing into his control.

 

And yes he agreed to back off if he thought "it wasn't good enough." I did agree to fold everything so it wouldn't get wrinkled but I told him if he was still critical then I would like it for him to do from now on. He agreed.

[Lauriebell82]

If you agree to do something and then don't, that's not very nice in any case. Even if the request wasn't to your benefit to begin with. It's better to do it once and then declare that you won't do it anymore, if you feel uncomfortable or off place.

 

LB:

 

Can you tell me what moments were really really GREAT with the bf? True situations, no generalisations?

 

Also, life is a gamble. He might never cheat, nor abuse you, but he might become a supernerd and live in the basement playing orcs and stuff for the rest of his life. That probably won't happen, but usually relationships tend to get less romantic with time, and babies. If you want to be in a lifelong commitment with him, then you need to love the day-to-day life with him. Not only the special moments.

 

Well, the moments that have been great:

I had talked about developing some pictures in the digital camera we have of a bunch of trips we took, my graduation, some weddings we went to, ect. One day while I was at work he went to Walmart and got a bunch of pictures developed and bought those picture frames that you hang on the wall that have holders for multiple pictures. He picked out some pictures and cut them out and grouped them according to the event. He hung them up on the wall and surprised me when I came home from work. He also hung up the Wizard of Oz collector item I got for christmas. It was a sign that says "A woman's success depends on the shoes she wears" -Dorthy. I talked about hanging it above our shoe rack so he did that while I was at work too just like I wanted.

 

It was the greatest suprise and moment to come home and see what he had done. It was wonderful.

[Touche]

I don't agree with you, LB. If you agreed to do it then you should do it. Ugh, I hate it too but you can play on here or do other things while doing it. I do it in steps that make it go easier for me.

 

Yes, he'll be pissed off if you don't do it. And it's not playing into his "control" as you put it..I mean you shouldn't want to piss him off if you don't have to, you know? You should want to please him. He should want to please you. That's what's missing here with the two of you.

 

I feel like you have this inner child saying "why should I do this? He doesn't do what I want. So what if I agreed. He agrees to stuff and blows it off all the time. Screw it. Let him be mad. I'm not doing it."

 

Go put a load in, LB!

 

That's good that he agreed to do it if he wasn't happy with it.

 

Why not each do your own though since it's such an issue? I'm serious. That's what H and I used to do...yep, we had this same issue. He's such a perfectionist. But now he has me "trained!" I do it the way he likes it. No biggie. But yeah, I hate it.

 

Whatever you do, the worst thing is to agree to do it and then not do it. Or to purposefully do a bad job so that he takes it over. Doesn't he do most of the cooking? You have to be fair, LB.

[Ariadne]

Hi Ariadne! Thanks.

 

You and your crazy advice. I've missed it. No, LB shouldn't get pregnant! :eek:That would be the worst thing to do.

 

No, that should not be the worst thing..

 

Women can only have babies till they are 35 and after that is a risk pregnancy.

 

Maybe not now if she says she doesn't want to, but in a couple years when she gets to 30 (men seem to run away from 30+ girls who appear desperate, and what are the chances of finding "the one" in a couple of years anyway).

[Touche]

Well, the moments that have been great:

I had talked about developing some pictures in the digital camera we have of a bunch of trips we took, my graduation, some weddings we went to, ect. One day while I was at work he went to Walmart and got a bunch of pictures developed and bought those picture frames that you hang on the wall that have holders for multiple pictures. He picked out some pictures and cut them out and grouped them according to the event. He hung them up on the wall and surprised me when I came home from work. He also hung up the Wizard of Oz collector item I got for christmas. It was a sign that says "A woman's success depends on the shoes she wears" -Dorthy. I talked about hanging it above our shoe rack so he did that while I was at work too just like I wanted.

 

It was the greatest suprise and moment to come home and see what he had done. It was wonderful.

 

That's nice LB. And what have you done for HIM lately? Why not surprise him with a good job with the laundry?

[allina]

That's nice LB. And what have you done for HIM lately? Why not surprise him with a good job with the laundry?

 

I was wondering this too. It sucks that he has to work on Saturday. Are you planning on doing anything nice for hi after work? What are your plans for tonight?

[Touche]

No, that should not be the worst thing..

 

Women can only have babies till they are 35 and after that is a risk pregnancy.

 

Maybe not now if she says she doesn't want to, but in a couple years when she gets to 30 (men seem to run away from 30+ girls who appear desperate, and what are the chances of finding "the one" in a couple of years anyway).

 

I sooooo don't agree with you. I found my "one" at 33. Many women find love later. Anyway, that's no reason to just get pregnant like that. The child should come into the world in a good relationship with two MARRIED people, imo. But I guess anything goes these days.

 

I think LB is a traditional sort of gal, anyway. And I can't imagine her doing something like that. She has a good head on her shoulders.

 

I can't believe you think that's good advice, Ariadne.

[Touche]

I was wondering this too. It sucks that he has to work on Saturday. Are you planning on doing anything nice for hi after work? What are your plans for tonight?

 

Yes, maybe cook him a nice meal too?

 

That's what he would want, LB. But that's not what you want to do. It's not who you are. See why I say you're mismatched.

 

And trust me, I hate doing certain chores like laundry. It's not me either! LOL But I'm just wondering if you do stuff for him that you don't want to do.

[MindoverMatter]

You are right that you should never be AFRAID of your SO's reactions to anything. If you are, then something is wrong.

 

But you should hold yourself to the same high standarts that you should apply to him. Keeping your word should be important to you. If something seems unfair to you, either don't agree to it in the first place, or suck it up, do it and then declare that you didn't feel good about it and that would be it. Don't break your word easily.

 

Btw, that was one situation. Come on, bring out the fluff. The 5 best things in the last month?

[allina]

Yes, maybe cook him a nice meal too?

 

That's what he would want, LB. But that's not what you want to do. It's not who you are. See why I say you're mismatched.

 

And trust me, I hate doing certain chores like laundry. It's not me either! LOL But I'm just wondering if you do stuff for him that you don't want to do.

 

I'm not saying you don't do these things LB. But it seems like you don't have this drive to do sweet things for him sometimes. If my SO had to work today I'd probably get him a 6 pack of his favorite beer and get some food for dinner that he likes, or I'd take him on a date. This wouldn't be a chore for me, I'd get a lot of JOY from doing it.

 

I hope that when he gets home he isn't met with a grouchy gf who is annoyed about laundry and has been lounging around in sweats all day.

 

Like I said, I don't know enough about your behavior to know which situation is more like you. I just want to point out the flip side.

[Star Gazer]

Couples upset each other don't they?

 

Sure... occasionally. Not monthly, and it certainly doesn't result in name calling, temper tantrums, yelling, flipping out, shutting down, etc.

 

Only incompatible couples fight the way you guys do.

 

Our relationship has not hit rock bottom or it's demise...

 

What WOULD rock bottom be for you, LB? You've already come to the conclusion that "you want different things." What more do you need to know?

 

I don't know if things will work out, but like I said, I've got 3 months to see.

 

You think 3 months is going to change what's been happening over the past 2.5+ years?? Really??

 

Well, it's human nature to get pissed off when someone doesn't do something you want them to do.

 

Woah. I think you're WAY WRONG about that.

 

I don't think anyone is the "perfect match."

 

I think there is. At the very least, I think there is compatible, and not compatible. And I think you KNOW which category you fall into.

 

That's why it feels like we are a bad match right now, because we want different things.

 

That's not why it FEELS like you're not a match. It's what MAKES you not a match. Wanting very different things is what makes people inherently incompatible.

 

I think they are kind of dumb and I think he is a tad obsessed, but hey he could say the same thing about loveshack couldn't he?

 

No. Have you ever blown plans you committed to him in lieu of sitting at home with your computer and LS? Puleeze. STOP defending him and making up excuses!!!

 

TLB, he seems like a good guy at heart, he's just not for you. You both don't accept each other as you are. I've said this a zillion times. If you have to constantly try to twist yourselves into a pretzel to stop the fighting and please each other, then you're not a match.

 

He needs someone way more laid-back and secure. Someone who isn't ready for marriage now. Someone to just hang out with when he wants to. Someone who cooks and keeps the place spotless.

 

You need someone who makes your feelings and needs a priority most of the time. Someone who is completely devoted to you and wants marriage and children within a year or two. Someone who doesn't mind doing most of the cleaning and cooking. (And yes there ARE men like that!)

 

You're just wrong for each other.

 

Touche hit it right on the money, yet again.

 

We don't fight about money. We used to, but not anymore.

 

That's only because you're currently contributing. What happens when you want to stay at home and are no longer contributing? I guarantee you'll be back to fighting then. He doesn't like having to support you.

 

Oh, to answer an obvious coming question, I stay because I love him. Because I want to give him a chance. Because I would be in so much pain if I wasn't with him. Maybe I stay because I hope one day he will change his mind and want to get married.

 

This sounds like what my friend - the one who's BF had a different relationship with another girl for 2.5 years - says. This sounds like what battered women say.

 

No. If I just wanted to get married then I would have married my ex instead of breaking up with him.

 

LIE. Your ex cheated on you, THAT's why you broke up with him. You had no intent on marrying a cheater.

 

Instead, you now have the intent on marrying someone who does not, and will never, meet your needs.

 

I know you love him. But as you know love isn't enough. You can love someone with all your heart and still be incompatible. Trust me, been there.

 

Do you not agree with this statement, LB?

 

I think people who stay with each other because they think things will change are in for a rude awakening. It's a bad reason to stay with someone. They're either who you want them to be NOW or they aren't and may never be.

 

I couldn't agree more. Waiting based on potential, or a hope that in 3 magical months (or any other time period) they will change to be and feel the way you want them to is a waste of time.

 

OMG, they're like night and day Laurie. Want to know what the biggest difference is though? My ex brought out the very worst in me...my insecurities, my temper, etc. etc. My H brings out the best in me. I'm more giving and willing to please since he does the same for me. He listens to me and isn't highly critical like my ex. He's never verbally abusive like my ex was. My ex always made me feel like I had to prove myself and be on the defensive.

 

Touche's ex sounds just like your BF, doesn't he, LB?

 

There really is a "night and day" difference when you meet someone you are COMPATIBLE with. Really. I'm in that place right now!

 

Come on, bring out the fluff. The 5 best things in the last month?

 

I want to hear this too.

 

But it seems like you don't have this drive to do sweet things for him sometimes. If my SO had to work today I'd probably get him a 6 pack of his favorite beer and get some food for dinner that he likes, or I'd take him on a date. This wouldn't be a chore for me, I'd get a lot of JOY from doing it.

 

Allina brings up some great points here.

 

I hope that when he gets home he isn't met with a grouchy gf who is annoyed about laundry and has been lounging around in sweats all day.

 

I hope so too.

[Lishy]

You have been given great advice here LB, also I have to say that Touche and SG (to name but 2) have been spot on with what they are saying

 

We would all love to see your R succeed and for you to live happily ever after but most of us agree that even if you marry your bf, you will not get the happy ever after as you are simply not compatable!

 

How happy you are is down to you and and Touche said, it is so much easier to remain with the wrong guy then risk meeting someone worse!

[Touche]

Thanks Lishy and SG. You both gave great advice too.

 

Just wanted to add that when you leave a relationship like this, sure you risk finding someone who might be even less compatible or not finding anyone at all. But the other side of the coin is that you just might find someone who is really right for you. Someone who you have no drama with. Someone who just "gets" you and accepts you as you are and vice versa.

 

That's a risk I think is worth taking, don't you? Life is too short to settle for anything less.

 

So LB, did you get the laundry done? Because seriously, no matter what happens, you should at least give it your best shot while you're still together right?

 

And SG is right about the arguments. I don't even remember the last time H and I disagreed about anything. It doesn't happen very often and when it does, well it's not anything with lots of drama. And it's not about the same type of things over and over.

 

Also it's weird that SG said my ex sounds like your b/f. I was thinking the same thing after I read over what I wrote! Weird huh? He did finally re-marry 6 years after we split. I wonder what kind of woman he found to put up with his crap.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks Lishy and SG. You both gave great advice too.

 

Just wanted to add that when you leave a relationship like this, sure you risk finding someone who might be even less compatible or not finding anyone at all. But the other side of the coin is that you just might find someone who is really right for you. Someone who you have no drama with. Someone who just "gets" you and accepts you as you are and vice versa.

 

That's a risk I think is worth taking, don't you? Life is too short to settle for anything less.

 

So LB, did you get the laundry done? Because seriously, no matter what happens, you should at least give it your best shot while you're still together right?

 

And SG is right about the arguments. I don't even remember the last time H and I disagreed about anything. It doesn't happen very often and when it does, well it's not anything with lots of drama. And it's not about the same type of things over and over.

 

Also it's weird that SG said my ex sounds like your b/f. I was thinking the same thing after I read over what I wrote! Weird huh? He did finally re-marry 6 years after we split. I wonder what kind of woman he found to put up with his crap.

 

Yeah, I did the laundry. Plus we cleaned because we are having a few people over for the superbowl today. I vacuumed and actually asked HIM to clean the kitchen. Maybe he's rubbing off on me. It's funny about cleaning, once I start doing it I generally just get it all done. I guess it's just finding the motivation.

 

Oh someone said something about my ex, he actually never did cheat on me just lied to me repeatedly. I didn't want to marry a liar.

 

I don't care if you guys want to say we aren't right for each other. Maybe we aren't. We both made agreements on how to work things out and handle arguments. If it doesn't work then oh well. We went out and actually had a very nice dinner last night and talked about a lot of stuff..future, buying a townhouse, ect. So he DOES want a future/marriage with me. Just not right now. I'm starting to think that I don't really need marriage right now either...

[carhill]

Enjoy SBS and watch for actions to match words. Men are masters at the BS. I know because I am one

[Ariadne]

I don't care if you guys want to say we aren't right for each other. Maybe we aren't. We both made agreements on how to work things out and handle arguments. If it doesn't work then oh well.

 

Sounds great LB.

 

I don't agree so much with the idea of "dump him he is not good enough, you can do better"

 

I mean, the scarcity is bad and he is a good guy after all. As long as you guys are happy.

[Lauriebell82]

Enjoy SBS and watch for actions to match words. Men are masters at the BS. I know because I am one

 

LOL yeah well we'll see. The positive thing is that I'm not hung up on marriage anymore. Just finding the right guy for me.

[Star Gazer]

The positive thing is that I'm not hung up on marriage anymore.

 

You've said that ten times.

[Star Gazer]

So he DOES want a future/marriage with me.

 

Sure...

 

Good luck with that, LB. You're destined to never be truly happy or have your needs met with this guy.

[carhill]

LOL yeah well we'll see. The positive thing is that I'm not hung up on marriage anymore. Just finding the right guy for me.

Laurie, the desire to be married is a fundamental part of your personality. It's healthy to recognize it. It's also healthy to examine why and your criteria for that desire. Talk with mom and dad about that today.

 

Changes in such fundamental perspectives do not result from a few conversations or over a short period of time. As a counselor you know this. Take a hard look at your own path and experience that progression. Or, have a beer and watch the game

[Star Gazer]

Talk with mom and dad about that today.

 

She let her BF have his way. They're staying at the apartment for the game, not going to her parents.

[MindoverMatter]

The positive thing is that I'm not hung up on marriage anymore. Just finding the right guy for me.

Not really. You seem to be hung up on making him the right guy. If you were about finding the right guy, you'd be out of the door by now. But okay, let's not argue semantics.

 

He can either become the right guy, or you can twitch and adjust your ideas about such a person until they fit him. I wouldn't count on the first thing and I wouldn't know if the second was a good idea to begin with.

 

Good luck either way.

 

But I am still curious. What would you say where the 5 best moments with bf in the last month?

[Star Gazer]

What would you say where the 5 best moments with bf in the last month?

 

The five heart-to-heart conversations they've had after the last five arguments, I'd guess.