Riding the LDR rollercoaster..

[Ashbash11]

I am not really asking for advice. This is rather just a vent or reaching out to others who are going through the same thing.. Do you ever feel like this??

 

Some days are great- you talk for a long time on Skype or the phone and you feel connected and you are reminded of why you are putting yourself through this torture. Then, there are the bad days- the ones where you have short, meaningless conversation with lots of pauses and nothing to say..... or you argue, or you feel disconnected. Or, you go through periods of not hearing from them.. for no apparent reason. And you start to get paranoid and think, "why hasn't he/she called me??"

 

A long distance relationship just feels like a constant rollercoaster ride to me. Each day is different, and unpredictable. I've noticed that lately, my patience for it is dwindling. I am starting to question why I am doing this to myself. Why didn't I just find a guy who lives near me? It usually takes a visit with my BF to remind me of why I am doing this.... Do you ever feel like giving up? I have another year and a half. I hope I can do it.

[KikiW]

I feel it too sometimes. Every now and then I feel like I'm being interrogated abut my feelings, or annoyed that he hasn't texted me, or annoyed that he's annoyed. All those things.

 

And then I remember just how lucky I am. Not every couple has the kind of connection I have with him. Not every woman has someone who's goal it is to make them the happiest woman in the world, to be a partner in building a life together rather than sitting back and making her do it all or doing it all himself, who talks to her when she's in the middle of an anxiety attack, who tells her over and over how incredibly sexy she is and how he falls deeper in love with her each day.

 

I focus on those things, and work out the little details so they aren't so aggravating when they pop up. Good luck

[Cora]

All I can say is YES YES and YES!!! I def have those days!! I honestly thought I might be the only one feeling like this. I'm glad to know I'm not. Days like these really make it tough. Some days you have wonderful conversations and feel like you're on cloud nine and then others you don't hear from them in awhile, or the conversation is short or whatever. So yeah I have been on that roller coaster. I like you have asked myself why am I doing this? Then I think it would be so much harder to live without him in my life at all. But if you truly love someone and they love you it's all worth it. This is why LDR's aren't easy. But hang in there it always gets better!! Good Luck!

[eurasian]

I'm dreading the bad days you're talking about, I'm about to embark on a LDR. I feel like i'd go crazy if I did something to upset my love, but couldn't go round to see her to fix it...I'm praying I don't see those days

[Island Girl]

I feel it too sometimes. Every now and then I feel like I'm being interrogated abut my feelings, or annoyed that he hasn't texted me, or annoyed that he's annoyed. All those things.

 

And then I remember just how lucky I am. Not every couple has the kind of connection I have with him. Not every woman has someone who's goal it is to make them the happiest woman in the world, to be a partner in building a life together rather than sitting back and making her do it all or doing it all himself, who talks to her when she's in the middle of an anxiety attack, who tells her over and over how incredibly sexy she is and how he falls deeper in love with her each day.

 

I focus on those things, and work out the little details so they aren't so aggravating when they pop up. Good luck

 

EXACTLY.

 

And it now that I have been in this for years I am way more comfortable when those days happen.

We just know each other so well now. I used to have freak out points where I thought if we had a fight it needed to get resolved immediately and I worried it would just be over. I would scare myself wanting to call it off just out of fear sometimes. But I'd snap out of it.

We'd get through whatever it is.

 

Now when we have a disagreement or something we handle it when we can. Sometimes the time difference and distance don't lend themselves to immediate resolution but I have no fear that we won't get through it and that - even when he is annoying - that he is my forever as much as I am sure that he feels the exact same way.

[ssb]

but when do you know its just part of the roller coaster and when do u know the ride is over and its time to get off? I'm married to this guy so it much much harder - help!

[Island Girl]

but when do you know its just part of the roller coaster and when do u know the ride is over and its time to get off? I'm married to this guy so it much much harder - help!

 

I am married to mine as well.

 

I think it sounds like you need to start your own thread.

 

It is hard to give advice or empathize if we don't know what is going on - and it seems like there is more than just the ongoing day to day that is being discussed here.

[JaydaLeah]

yes yes yes! Exactly what i feel right now! Over the past week... im wretched between feelings of insecurity, fear, even anger. I feel like I didnt ask to be in a LDR. I didnt have a choice coz HE had to go... i feel like what if doesnt return after 2 yrs as promised? Im wasting 2 yrs of my youth! Im already 25 this yr...

 

I guess these are normal stuffs to go thru in an LDR, but boy, how it really sucks! I told my SO last nite over the ph.. that i hate being in an LDR, i think it sucks and that the irony was that, i told myself i will never be an LDR... he went "oh no.." and i just laughed it off saying "the more u dread, the more it comes"

 

Sigh, its sooo tempting to just call it off sometimes. But on the other hand, its someone u really love and there's no way u can just... do that. LDR sucks. REally...

[Island Girl]

yes yes yes! Exactly what i feel right now! Over the past week... im wretched between feelings of insecurity, fear, even anger. I feel like I didnt ask to be in a LDR. I didnt have a choice coz HE had to go... i feel like what if doesnt return after 2 yrs as promised? Im wasting 2 yrs of my youth! Im already 25 this yr...

 

I know how you feel. Whereas most people here met LD I, like you, had no choice in the matter. We met here. We fell in love here. And then he had to leave. He hadn't been back to the island for 11 years. So he had mixed emotions about going.

 

And at that point I told him "we'll see how things work out". We made rules about how we were going to treat each other long distance and that we would be honest if either of us wanted out.

 

But for so long, and sometimes still, I am resentful of the fact that I didn't get a choice. I already loved him. He was already a person in my life like no other.

 

Sigh, its sooo tempting to just call it off sometimes. But on the other hand, its someone u really love and there's no way u can just... do that. LDR sucks. REally...

 

Oh I know! This is year number 7. I am now going to be 40. I may have sacrificed my child bearing years in this relationship. We just don't know yet.

But there is no other man who can ever take his place. I've gone out with friends and I've met guys. I have never dated them or even wanted to because in passing conversation they just remind me they aren't him.

 

But I hate the distance. I hate being alone when I know that he is there alone too and we could fill each other's needs RIGHT NOW. Just the every day stuff - the normal day to day living that I do by myself is made more difficult because I know we are together but we are kept apart. Ugh.

[endangeredreams]

he's only been gone a week and a half this time of a 14 month deployment, but yeah I know what you mean.

[Ashbash11]

Wow, it's nice to see that I am not alone in all of this..... JaydaLeah and Island girl, I am feeling the exact same way you described: I didn't have a choice in the matter, either. We met, dated for 8 months, fell in love, and then he accepted a job 3,000 miles away, and left. I felt completely powerless.. I still have some resentment for that, but I've tried to let it go and remind myself that at least he's doing a LDR with me. He could have said, "Sorry, but I'm moving and I'll find another relationship closer to where I live." You know??

 

I also feel like calling it off every now and then. I start to wonder why I am putting myself through this torture. The thing that helps me the most is the visits.... When we see each other in person, it reminds me of why I am doing this. When I am with him, I could never imagine breaking up... I just keep using the visits to remind myself that the difficulty of the LDR is worth it.

[Island Girl]

Wow, it's nice to see that I am not alone in all of this..... JaydaLeah and Island girl, I am feeling the exact same way you described: I didn't have a choice in the matter, either. We met, dated for 8 months, fell in love, and then he accepted a job 3,000 miles away, and left. I felt completely powerless.. I still have some resentment for that, but I've tried to let it go and remind myself that at least he's doing a LDR with me. He could have said, "Sorry, but I'm moving and I'll find another relationship closer to where I live." You know??

 

Hi Ashbash11

 

Do you have a deadline of when the LD will end?

 

I know it would be easier for me if there was a time line and I knew there was a definite end to the distance.

 

We should be close to the end now. Thankfully.

 

But it is horrible, isn't it?

One of the worst things is the absence from my side has caused people in my life to "forget" that he exists.

Normally people ask "how's your husband/wife?"

 

A friend of mine is married to a man in the military and since my husband has been gone he has been deployed twice.

Each time, friends we have in common have said in passing, "that has got to be so hard, don't you think?"

And I am thinking, "uh yeah. I know - I've been doing it for 7 years remember?".

It's like they think I've gotten used to it or something.

A lot of people around me seem to think that. I guess they see me going to work, going grocery shopping, etc. - just living and doing the day to day things - and they all think I must be fine.

 

*sigh*

 

You don't get used to being without the love of your life.

[gopher]

I'm not sure what is harder, my not having a love of my life or your situations. I feel for you guys and I'm not sure I would deal with it as well as you do.

[Seerubyfall]

LOL - I've got to thank you all for making me feel better. I'm not trying to be a b***h here. I was just playing online today having a little pity party for myself this afternoon, even went home from work "sick" so I could feel sorry for myself because my fiance is in the next state and I only get to see him every weekend. Your collective quiet strength in seriously long (distance and time) relationships made me just ashamed enough of myself to want to get some work done this afternoon after all. But I probably won't :-P

 

On a more serious note - I'm in the boat of "fell in love first, became long distance later". I moved away to take a better job. We'll keep this up at least until after the wedding this fall. I think that no matter whether you're face to face or over the phone, there will be times you just aren't feeling it. You've got nothing to talk about, he's being a jerk, you're menstrual, nothing's going right. If you want to work through those times, then do it.

 

BTW - when you're in the same room together, you're not going to talk for hours straight every day. I don't know why when we're on the phone I feel guilty for not talking for hours straight every day. It's hard to watch tv together on the phone though...

 

May the force be with you - and Cheers!

R-

[JaydaLeah]

May i say that the temptation to cheat is higher in LDRs? I mean, i do not condone cheating, but when there are other guys who are showering affections for me, it makes me miss my SO so bad that it goes the bad way - it makes me feel like his robbing me of warmth and love that i should be getting by going away... and it makes me think abt cheating. Sigh, of coz, i know i wont do that. Its just not me and its not right..

 

Its easy to miscommunicate too. As much as we can talk things out, but there are still minor stuffs eg " Why is he not replying my sms..?" or "why is he taking so long to call me " or even "Why am i always waiting for his call? He is making me wait for 2 yrs already and i have to WAIT for his calls? Im tired of WAITING!!!".

 

Sucks!! It gets alot worse when the PMS hits too... But i agree with seerubyfall... as much as there are silence on the ph, a normal couple can be silent and not talk for the whole nite too. The only diff is... the presence.. which.. actually makes a big difference.. hmm.. ah well.. just ranting..

[Els]

Oh, I certainly, certainly do. Although what I'm wondering about is, do guys have this problem as well? It seems to be the girls mainly who feel the 'disconnection' periods more keenly, from what I've read and from my own experience...

 

I think the main thing that keeps me on is... anytime in the past, if some fortune teller had told me: 'In 1.5 years' time, you'll be with someone like THIS, who connects with you and understands you and knows you like this, who holds you in his heart and treats you like this, who is all you've ever wanted, although not perfect', I would have literally jumped for joy. And waited quite contentedly.

 

So I suppose this isn't all that much different. Although the visits are quite the double-edged sword... they strengthen the bond and the hope and yet... you don't quite miss something til you've had it, you know? And you miss it the most when you've just had it recently and had it taken from you again...

 

My heart goes out to the rest of you girls (and guys) who posted here... I hope we all keep up the fight!

[Ashbash11]

Elswyth- I just wanted to comment on what you said about the "double-edged sword" of visits with your long distance SO.. It's exciting and blissful to be reunited, but then several days later, they leave.... and you know that you have many difficult weeks alone to look forward to, until you see each other again. The worst for me is that he and I used to live in the same city together, so when he visits, I remember how wonderful it is to have him back... But it's not permanent, and then I feel worse. Him being here reminds me of how great it is to have him around. It's a great and devastating feeling at the same time.

 

Islandgirl, our "deadline" is a year and a half from now. It doesn't seem like THAT long, I know, but we don't have the luxury of seeing each other that much (every 2-3 months?) So, it feels like an eternity. I think it's amazing that you have been doing this for 7 years... How in the world do you keep it up?? You must really love each other.

[Els]

Great and devastating is the phrase, indeed. It's the reason why I've been sitting here, browsing these forums for the past few hours, keeping myself occupied while he's in a plane flying away as I type. There would be no need for goodbyes if there hadn't even been a meeting... but it was still worth it.

[JaydaLeah]

Great and devastating is the phrase, indeed. It's the reason why I've been sitting here, browsing these forums for the past few hours, keeping myself occupied while he's in a plane flying away as I type. There would be no need for goodbyes if there hadn't even been a meeting... but it was still worth it.

 

aww... im sorry that hear that..Totally agree with the double-edge sword analogy. While its great joy to meet again, its utter pain to be parted shortly... only to an even longer period apart. I rem i was so down after parting with my SO when we last met, i hit the ground and under. Then i realised.. maybe visits shouldnt be so long ( we went to NZ for 2 wks) coz the pain of parting is unbearable.

 

LDR a rollercoaster.. exactly. And im not that keen a rollercoaster person. hehe... I think its also impt to know that even w/o your SO, life goes on and life can still be great. Sometimes when we hold on too strongly to something, it might set destruction if things doesnt work out. I dont believe in looking for "my other half" coz i dont need another person to complete me. I am a whole. But that person is one i wana share my life with! =)

[Island Girl]

May i say that the temptation to cheat is higher in LDRs? I mean, i do not condone cheating, but when there are other guys who are showering affections for me, it makes me miss my SO so bad that it goes the bad way - it makes me feel like his robbing me of warmth and love that i should be getting by going away... and it makes me think abt cheating. Sigh, of coz, i know i wont do that. Its just not me and its not right..

 

I have never been tempted to cheat but only because every guy I meet is like all of the guys I was with before I met my husband. They remind me too much of what I don't have with me. I feel even more separated from my soul.

 

I just read that and it sounds like something written out of a romance novel but it is absolutely 100 true. *sigh*

 

Its easy to miscommunicate too. As much as we can talk things out, but there are still minor stuffs eg " Why is he not replying my sms..?" or "why is he taking so long to call me " or even "Why am i always waiting for his call? He is making me wait for 2 yrs already and i have to WAIT for his calls? Im tired of WAITING!!!".

 

Yeah the LD thing is difficult to get used to when you have a relationship based in RL. I think it is difficult anyway - but for those of us that became LD we have to learn how to communicate without facial expressions or gestures that we used freely before.

We knew what happened in their world everyday because we were right therein the thick of it and now we are lost at sea so to speak.

 

Sucks!! It gets alot worse when the PMS hits too... But i agree with seerubyfall... as much as there are silence on the ph, a normal couple can be silent and not talk for the whole nite too. The only diff is... the presence.. which.. actually makes a big difference.. hmm.. ah well.. just ranting..

 

My GAWD it makes such a difference! What I wouldn't give to just have him next to me. To just have the ABILITY to reach out and touch him - or LOOK at him anytime I wanted...

 

It has been a long, long, LONG time since I have looked into those big brown smiling eyes...I am in anguish.

 

Oh, I certainly, certainly do. Although what I'm wondering about is, do guys have this problem as well? It seems to be the girls mainly who feel the 'disconnection' periods more keenly, from what I've read and from my own experience...

 

My husband does. The length of time this has been going on, the immense distance, and the fact that we haven't seen each other in SO LONG is getting to both of us.

 

Niether of us wants to let the other go but we are sick of the fight, the sadness, the longing, blacht! Just ALL of the crap.

 

It is a fight at this point to "keep strong" as my husband says.

 

In the past we have never had that disconnect feeling at the same time so we could help each other but there have been a few times in recent months where we have been...

I know we are just so tired and fed up with all of this but niether one of us can let go. We do not want to and that holds at the core of each of us.

 

 

I think the main thing that keeps me on is... anytime in the past, if some fortune teller had told me: 'In 1.5 years' time, you'll be with someone like THIS, who connects with you and understands you and knows you like this, who holds you in his heart and treats you like this, who is all you've ever wanted, although not perfect', I would have literally jumped for joy. And waited quite contentedly.

 

I think the same thing. And I also remember how long I dated and broke up with guys who were all, when I look back at them now, so much alike. They had different names, jobs, etc. But none of them had any of his qualities when it comes to really seeing me.

When I am hurt or feel too vulnerable the emotion that comes EASY is anger. And my husband is really the only person on the planet who knows that and remembers it in the moment. He hears my words, he knows I am angry, but he always thinks at those times "I understand she is angry but this show of emotion is over the top - what is behind the words."

He is like no other. He humbles me. He calms me and brings balance to my world. That is irreplaceable.

 

you don't quite miss something til you've had it, you know? And you miss it the most when you've just had it recently and had it taken from you again...

 

I can COMPLETELY agree with this one.

 

We had dated and lived together up until he left. I went and visited 7 months later. That first 7 months was hard but then we saw each other again. We had each other back and we both realized how much we had truly missed the other. But then I had to leave.

 

For the next three years we were LD and no visits. Too expensive, work conflicts, etc. All kept us apart. But we stuck it out and planned our wedding that last 6 months.

 

I went there for 3 weeks when we got married. It was AMAZING.

 

I had fallen more deeply in love with my husband over those years we were separated. We got to know each other even more than I think we ever would have if we'd been face to face becauseof letters - hand written letters that were pages upon pages long. I used to just pour out all of my thoughts about everything on pages and pages of paper. I'm convinced that is why he knows me better than my own mother.

When I went there to get married I was scared about how we would be together before I got there - naturally - I mean we hadn't seen each other in 3 years!

It was as if no distance had ever separated us. The second I got off the plane they way we were together was the same.

 

It was made even more amazing because I got to see the things that had originally drawn me to him in the first place again. All of the reasons I started dating him had faded in my memory. The attraction, his amazing facial expressions when he talks, how he is with other people, how he is with children and family, the respect he naturally shows others and how he always has treated me like a princess. I had forgotten about all of that. I had forgotten how that felt.

 

I was completely blissfully happy. And I felt that feeling of pure happiness in such a way as I had never felt it before.

Any word that conveys a happy feeling - I felt.

 

But I had to leave again. And it was SO F*CKING HARD on both of us. We knew it would be about 6 months until we saw each other again.

People around me, strangers escorted me to the plane with tears in their eyes after they saw us and heard us say good bye.

He only started crying after I was outside through customs but when the people told me that, "OH! He's crying! It's so sad! Why do you have to leave him again?"

I lost it completely.

 

That was 2 1/2 years ago.

 

That was the last time I saw him.

 

The three years before we got married were easier.

 

Once I had love - that kind of love - in person and when it grew even deeper during that time, now that I don't have it my life is changed. The pain is deeper. I can't explain it.

 

He was always perfect to me physically. - One of the reasons I picked him out. He was always a "man's man" that all the guys want to be friends with and all the girls want to date. We developed our relationship and we planned to marry.

 

But when we went LD, I fell in love with him in a different way on a different level. I only had his words and personality. I learned those in a way that I never would have. The inflections in his voice, etc. I can read him over the phone and it's amazing.

 

Then - I got that man I love and this man I had forgotten about that just looks at me and my knees melt.

 

I know it seems like I am going on and on I know. I just don't think I can truly explain it.

It's like whe you meet a guy and you get all those wonderful butterflies and there are sparks flying everywhere -- I got off the plane and greeted a man that I had been with for many years at that point and loved intensely -- and then I got all of the butterflies, sparks, ad amazing romantic walks on the beaches. All of the first love stuff.

 

And I had to leave. And now it has been years since I have been able to see him. It is just sickening. It makes my chest constrict and my heart just ache. Every single minute of every single day.

 

My heart goes out to the rest of you girls (and guys) who posted here... I hope we all keep up the fight!

 

Yes. It is worth it. And in the grand scheme of things when we'll spend a lifetime together, 7 years is a blink of an eye. At least that is what we keep hold of.

 

Islandgirl, our "deadline" is a year and a half from now. It doesn't seem like THAT long, I know, but we don't have the luxury of seeing each other that much (every 2-3 months?) So, it feels like an eternity. I think it's amazing that you have been doing this for 7 years... How in the world do you keep it up?? You must really love each other.

 

Yes. We really do love each other very much. And both of us are dedicated to each other.

 

It does feel like an eternity. Each day can feel like an eternity.

 

I will say it should help you to feel how lucky you are to know I have seen my husband 28 days out of the last 7 years.

 

I use the same tactic reminding myself that I get to pick up the phone and hear him - talk to him. True we can't talk a lot right now but if I need to I can.

And those brides during WWII couldn't do that. They had children with these men and were married. But in those days they had to write letters and mail them without knowing if their husbands would get them or if they were alive to receive them. Weeks and I am sure months would go by and they wouldn't hear a word. They had to live by the saying no news is good news for a long long long time.

 

So I have to consider myself more fortunate than them, right?

 

I can't look at the couples around me, or those that I know and even give myself a second to think about how lucky they are because that leads to VERY bad days and tears come very easily these days.

 

 

Thanks for listening/reading.

 

IG

 

[disclaimer: I am sorry to ramble if I have.]

[Cora]

I'm sorry to be ranting again but speaking of that rollercoaster ride.......today is just one of those days again. Ugh I'm already depressed that I didn't get to talk with him at all today. It's not that big of a deal really, I just miss him. But what's new? It's not like this is some new thing, and you would think I would be used to it by now but I'm not. I know I probably sound pretty childish. So many of you have it alot worse than I do and I def feel for you.

 

I suppose it didn't help matters much when my cousin called me today complaining about her boyfriend and how they had plans to go out to dinner but she hates it because it's always where he wants to go. I know I would probably feel differently if I were in her shoes but I wanted to say so badly to her just to be thankful you guys live close enough to where you can go out whenever you want. Jeeze I would give anything just to be with my SO, I wouldn't care if we ate at McDonalds just as long as we got to spend time with each other. But I guess when you are in a relationship that isn't LD it's hard not to take these things for granted. It's just little things that she complains about that gets to me. They already text back and forth all day everyday, call each other at least three times a day everyday, plus see each other/go out every weekend but still she wants more?? She get's upset when they have just spent a whole evening together and he doesn't call when he gets home to say goodnight because he is too tired. I don't know, maybe it's just the jealousy speaking here. I just get so upset when I see people take things like this for granted. I may not get the luxury of hearing from my SO everyday but it's not like I get to see him every weekend.

 

Sorry, did I mention this was a rant? LOL Okay I'm going to end it here promise. All I know is that if and when the distance ever ends in our relationship, I will never take things like this for granted because I will always remember how it felt not having the luxury of things other couples have!! Sigh.....I miss him so much right now

[JaydaLeah]

 

But I had to leave again. And it was SO F*CKING HARD on both of us. We knew it would be about 6 months until we saw each other again.

People around me, strangers escorted me to the plane with tears in their eyes after they saw us and heard us say good bye.

He only started crying after I was outside through customs but when the people told me that, "OH! He's crying! It's so sad! Why do you have to leave him again?"

I lost it completely.

 

That was 2 1/2 years ago.

 

That was the last time I saw him.

 

[disclaimer: I am sorry to ramble if I have.]

 

Gawd, u guys should be the one out of million couple who are fairytaled, perfect, loyal pair!! Kudos!!! I seriously think i wouldn't make it if i were u. 3 yrs w/o meeting up is beyond what i can bear.. Keep it going, islandgal!

 

To Cora - I totally feel u. In fact, these couple of days i've been numbing myself to stop feeling the blues. I stop the expectations of hearing from him on the ph, or meeting up on skype coz i just dont wish to be disappointed if it doesnt happen. If we do, i appreciate it. If we dont, so be it too. I have no idea if this is gd or bad - will it gradually create a distance btn us and lead to us giving up... but... i simple feel miserable pining too much for him... I don't like to feel vunerable, or too much of a need for him. I want to be independent. With or without him, im gd.

 

Shrugs...