Worried thinking a lot

[Yuuki]

First off this may be quite scrambled around since that is how my thoughts have been running, constructive criticism is appreciated, this may be a bit long as well since I'm a bit OCD and tend to try to get everything out there as best as possible.

 

One of my friends has liked me for 5+ years now, we were pretty good friends and he's asked me out a few times over the years and I've told him no and then quickly moved on to whatever we were previously talking about or I'd be like "no" and then he would jokingly (at least it seemed) be like "c'mon" and I'd giggle and be like "nope, not gonna happen", he was always a good sport about it considering he liked me and I didn't feel that way about him.

 

He's in the army so he gets leave and such. We would talk to each other online but not quite that frequently and I usually was the one that had to message him first. I stopped signing on then I would be back on and we'd talk a bit as usual.

 

I was dating this guy and even before then we all had been friends and such. Well, we started having problems, arguing and such, again, we tended to do it a lot, we live together because his mother had to move and didn't care what happened to him and all the people who said he could stay with him said no, because of family problems or screwed him over. Anyways, we are two different people, we tend not to like the same types of movies, video games, music, and what not. I was getting so stressed out all of the time that I started avoiding him, I'd sleep in my parents bed during the day or be on my computer in either my parents or sister's bedroom (because my sister wanted her way I sleep out in the living room even before he moved in) there's nothing really to do here, and he's always on his computer playing WoW, because there's nothing to do. (sorry I ramble alot)

He seemed fine with it for the most part, kinda hard to watch anything because someone's always in the living room.

 

Our friend gets leave so we go over his house to hangout, play D&D, video games, watch movies, however, my boyfriend would rather play L4D on the computer and not the console, so that's out, he hates the movies that his family rented, so he's not watching it while my friend and I cuddle on the couch, (I'm a cuddly person and they all know that, I've done it for years) I go out for a smoke, b/f tags along and gets aggravated that we are cuddling and that he's bored, I tell him "ok then when we go back in I'll cuddle up with you on the couch and we can watch the movie." He doesn't like the movie and is still aggravated that we are cuddling and starts complaining about how the movie has everything explode **Death Race** "I'm like it's a movie it's something to do, it's late, it's not my house, and it's not that bad and if you don't like it you can just make fun of it." People dying and exploding is generally entertaining. (again sorry rambling it helps me think though)

 

One of the nights I spend the night at my friend's house (I usually spend the night at his house when he's back and even way before, boy/girls same thing and yes we share a bed) we are goofing off and I keep grabbing his chest 'cause I thought it was funny and I like to aggravate and it only made it worse that he has a high tolerance. He says "if you don't stop I'm going to grab yours" and of all the years I've been the exception to the boob-grab rule, so I'm like "no you won't I'm the exception" and so I kept doing it even with being warned a few more times. We are like wrestling in his room and I was tired so I started doing it. Well, he did it back (I should've listened but I figured it was an empty threat), unexpectedly it had a huge effect on me (I used to not work sexually at all for the most part so I was pretty numb, bad things in the past) I quickly stopped my hand and we both were in shock because I had nearly moaned, (the chicks he's been with were unresponsive with the chest thing and I was more shocked like why the hell is this working when it doesn't work for my b/f most of the time) I calmed down a bit and I am very stubborn which is bad, he's like are you ok, calmed down enough and i'm like yeah, I'm gonna do iiit and he's like you better not or it will happen again, and I'm like no it won't (I hadn't learned my lesson and I was hoping that he wouldn't grab my chest again, though I slightly liked it, and normally if someone had done that I would have slapped them a bit out of reflex but I didn't for some reason) (sorry if this is hard to follow) It goes on for a bit, I try harder to attack him and then quickly defend myself, until I grab, he starts, which ends up causing me to grab harder 'cause I was really turned on. anywho, after a bit of that and him biting my neck I push him a bit and I'm like no I can't so we quickly stop, I feel bad, he consoles me, and I'm sitting there like I'm an idiot why did I do that why did it work so much, and feeling horrible, because I didn't feel guilty for what I did so much as feel bad for my b/f if that makes any sense, I've never cheated on anyone before, they've always cheated on me. I felt horrible but then again I didn't which made me feel worse. I think we talked a bit and then instead of spending the night I went home.

 

I stay at my house for a couple of days and tell him i'm not coming over and if I do I'm not spending the night, he says it's ok. A few days later it happens again like out of nowhere when we should be going to sleep only this time after the chest, biting we kiss, and we kept kissing for awhile til I stopped again and was like oh my god, we were both shaking and all we had done was kiss and bite eachothers neck. Again I felt bad for cheating but and liking it and wanting to keep kissing and such. So he asks what should we do about us, 'cause I have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend who lives out of state, and I'm like "uuuh" and I start freaking out and rambling like I cant tell my b/f he'll take off like he does whenever he has any problems and I don't know where he'll go since he has no place to stay and I'm not gonna kick him out that would be selfish and I was so worried, like we've had so many problems and worked through them it would be like all that was for nothing (weve had alot of problems that got worked out we broke up and then back together and such over a few years) so the last thing on my mind was to tell him since it would just hurt him and it wouldnt do anybody any good. and he's like ok.

 

Well, the next day he tells his g/f and shes like im glad you told me but were not going to keep dating i need to think and such. He tells me that and I'm like Uuuh why did you do that you guys have been together for a month and I felt so bad that it caused them to break up. and he asks a bit later if I'm going to tell my b/f and Im like I cant I jus' I can't I was wigging out. Unfortunately it kept happening, we never got passed making out and biting and caressing. My b/f and I were talking or having sex for a long time either but because I didn't want to because we were always fighting so of course I don't want to, it would just end in me feeling sick and still angry and it would resolve nothing but him releasing some stress.

 

The friend leaves back to the army, my b/f and I still have arguments but not as frequent but I stay on my computer in one of the above mentioned rooms and from time to time he would come in and start talking and then he'd quickly leave 'cause he was getting aggravated or I just didn't feel like fighting so I would just answer, or basically anything that didn't cause it to blow up into a fight.

 

Subconsciously I was pulling away from him and I didn't even realize. The day my friend left I couldn't sleep,I was on autopilot, ate whenever I was hungry without thinking, usually I sat at the fridge droning on about nothing to eat and maybe picking something instead I would quickly grab, fix, and eat without a second thought. I started sleeping more in my parents room. And I looked online to make sure I wasn't crazy and apparently your brain can "hide" things from you to keep you safe, or not as stressed out, the reason I bring this up is my b/f would start asking me if I still care about him and I would reply I dunno, to almost everything, because I didn't know. And apparently out of reflex when he tried to hug or touch me I'd move away, and he'd say something and I'd like snap out of it and be like huh? and he would be like why did you move away and I'm like what do you mean, he'd say I went to touch your arm and you moved away and I'd reply that I didn't know. He'd try to kiss me I'd quickly peck, he'd say he loves me and I would practically slur it. I mean I don't like saying the word in general, since it seems that people use it like a way of saying hello and goodbye, I like to word to actually have meaning plus I show my feelings more than say them.

I couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep or would start having bad dreams and barely eat. I was like a cat when it's owner left. It kind of scared me, because I've never been like that before. Me and my friend kept talking almost everyday about stuff, he'd usually message me first. Online we were inseparable. My b/f started asking me alot of questions and started trying to talk to me more, and "fix" things, even though he always seems to wait til things are at its worst before he steps in, because I was done trying.

 

I was also starting to deal with the fact that I might be liking my friend, even though I wasn't sure if I did because he's never really been a thought in my mind in that way. I even told him that. He asked how I felt about him and I said I didn't know, because again, I was like in my I don't know anything about anything right now stage. I'm still kinda like that but it's getting better. Me and my boyfriend from time to time would be getting along which made him think that we were getting better even though I told him that all that means is that we are having a good day. I was being honest. I was unaware of anything at this point but I started seeing by b/f more as a friend and the way I used to think of him as a friend. With my friend I wasn't realizing but I was falling in love with him. He told me that he loved me, and I told him that I don't know how I feel about him or anything at the moment, because I didn't. Things were awkwardly shifting but I was actually managing not to freak out or stress about it, which is very weird for me, it was like everything was fine and perfect and I hadn't a care, which I kept feeling weird about, since I've never been like that.

 

My b/f and I arent together, we still live together and get along fine, I started sleeping in the same bed with him again, whenever our schedules meet up anyhow. My friend and I talk alot, I didn't want to tell him I loved him till I was completly sure, since I'm scared to, and I haven' a clue why. Unfortunately when I was trying to paste a sentence to him it didn't work and what I was thinking of telling him got pasted and sent, which was "I love you" in gaelic, and I was like oops and he paid no nevermind to it since to gra agam ort, looks liek gibberish. but later I was like, ok I'm only really going to say this once, and please don't laugh, and all those worries. and I sent the gaelic again and said it wasn't gibberish like it seemed and I wasn't wanting to tell you but I feel it's right. He was also on webcam at the time and he couldnt stop smiling he was so happy.

 

Anywho. we aren't dating, I still don't say it back when he says it but he understands why, which makes me so happy because I don't feel obligated to say it, but that tends to make me want to say it more sometimes because I don't feel pressured. Psychology lol...

 

I found out today, 'cause my b/f said that his roommate has been getting aggravated because all he talks about is me and that he blows off his friends to talk to me, and my b/f sorry, my ex, now back to friend is saying that my friend is obsessed with me, and neglecting his friends so of course I don't to effect his friends and his life, so I tell my friend that apparently he stopped playing WoW with them and stuff and he says its because he's tired of playing it, and he says he plays other games and then I tell him that he pauses alot during it and he says that he doesn't he even tells me to hold on that he'll be back 'cause he's playing a game, which is true. But the things that my ex says starts making me think about the situation a bit.

 

I know I love him, I know I love talking to him, I told him not to neglect his friends because of me and to play some games with them fullscreened and not to talk to me for a couple of days.. I'm trying to be considerate of everyone and stuff. He doesn't want to play games right now from what he says, while I get an earful about how he's making up excuses just to talk to me and that he basically gets up talks to me, whenever he's around his roommate he just talks about me and how he's going to get with me and then goes to sleep.

 

I don't think my ex is being jealous, because I'm pretty sure if he told me he was jealous about stuff before that he wouldn't hesitate now. I don't think my friend is obsessed with me, he's very affectionate and has liked me for 5+years and so I'm figuring that all that caught up with him and he's just possibly overwhelmed with all of those feelings. We talk alot about important things like what we want in life to see if we would work out. We want the same things, we like the same general things, we want the same things out of life. I'm starting to think he's perfect, hell my sister even said he might be perfect, and that's rare for her to even say anything nice. Of course she pointed out that he has a job, but she actually picked up on some important things which shocked me, like how I don't tend to like clingy, he's a bit like that, but he doesn't freak out when I don't feel like hanging out with him for a couple of days without talking to or seeing him. And he seems to be fine with how sometimes I want to show alot of affection, and then I may just not show any at all one day. He's completly fine with that. (or at least as far as I can tell and he reassures me)

 

But I'm thinking about it alot right now, like could he be "perfect" or at least for me?, which is scary, because it was like we were fine for years and then one day out of nowhere or so it seems, we were drawn to each other almost instantly. I'm worried if we will stop caring about each other just as fast, or maybe I had liked him for almost as long as he did without ever thinking about it since I denied that he even liked me that way for so long. My ex is fine if I like him and if we do get together and said that he doesn't want me to not get with him if the only reason I'm not is because of him, he wants me to be happy, which makes me feel so happy, but then makes me feel selfish, like if it wasn't for that day we wouldn't have ended up breaking up, or at least as soon, though it was on the best terms I could think of and without a fight, which is a first for me and makes me less stressful and I'm starting to become a more open person and not being as scared as I used to be. But what goes up must come down.. and I'm slightly worried that my friend might be getting or is obsessed, which I never thought of, so of course my worrying self is coming back up but not as hard thankfully.

 

I'm being told that I'm in denial since I say he's not obsessed or at least doesn't seem that way to me. It just makes me think what if.. (im repeating myself alot sorry) especially since he agrees with alot of the things I say, so I'm already slighly thinking and worried that he might be whipped which I don't wish upon him, 1 i hate people who just agree with everything because that shows that they dont care or they just want to avoid conflict which then brings more conflict 2 he might just genuinely think my ideas are good, though I don't see how someone can agree with a lot of the things I say or be ok with everything that has happened in my past, but it does help my confidence, like I'm starting to not be afraid to voice my opinion or what I think or want to do in general or in life. It's like I'm almost finally free.

 

I'm rambling a lot, I know, I'm just so felt up with thoughts and emotions.

 

Basically, and if you need more info or have questions I'll try my best to accommodate, I mean this would be helping me out in the end.

 

Is he just so in love with me? Obsessed? Could he really be the one?

I mean all of these questions are kind of awkward for me to ask, but it's harder to think about, because it will affect my life greatly in the end.

 

Any help or input would be immensely appreciated. Sorry for the long winded post and thank you.

 

~New to this site and new to the idea that I may finally be happy

[Geishawhelk]

I'm sorry hun, you've had 16 hits on your thread. I bet not one person has read this post all the way through, though.

 

It's way, waaay too long, and just too much info to take in.

 

Try to reply here with a shorter version, because we just don't do epic volumes here. Abridge and just give us what you need. We'll fill in the rest.

Thanks.

[Yuuki]

Thanks, I was really tired and thinking so i was seeming to drone on.

[Yuuki]

>Condensed version<

 

I've been friends with whom we'll refer to as Jack, for 5 years, he's liked me for this alloted time as well. He's asked me out a few times over the years and I've told him no, and that I didn't like him that way. I never really thought about him like that or considered it, I was just really happy we were friends.

 

My ex who we'll call Bob, is a mutual friend, we've all known each other for quite some time. The other day he mentioned that Jack is obsessed with me.

 

I'm wondering if it might be true, because of the things that Bob and Jack's roommate have been saying.

 

I still haven't covered this very well, but that's the best way to stop me from rambling.

[Geishawhelk]

Ok.

Jack's obsessed with you.

 

So:

have you had a change of heart and would like to go out with him?

 

Or does the fact that Bob thinks he's obsessed with you, worry you and make you think you should stop seeing Jack?

 

Are you pleased, flattered, bemused, puzzled, worried or scared witless?

[Yuuki]

Well I ended up liking Jack and that's why I'm a bit worried, he's very sweet, but I'm not sure if my feelings are just blocking me from thinking he may be obsessed.

 

The fact that I don't think that Bob would be saying that just out of jealousy, I believe that's what he honestly thinks.

 

I was thinking about dating him, because we have alot in common even with what we want later in life, but I'm kind of all of the above omitting the scared witless part.

 

I just want to be sure that what I choose is for the best.

[Geishawhelk]

Well I ended up liking Jack and that's why I'm a bit worried, he's very sweet, but I'm not sure if my feelings are just blocking me from thinking he may be obsessed.

Well, "liking" and "sweet" really aren't enough to consider entering into a relationship with anyone. You really should be feeling a lot more strongly about this....Are you considering doing this just for some peace and quiet, and just to see what it would be like?

 

 

I was thinking about dating him, because we have alot in common even with what we want later in life, but I'm kind of all of the above omitting the scared witless part.

On the face of this, I wouldn't get into this at all. "Anything for the quiet life" is what it sounds like. It's all for the wrong reasons.....

 

I just want to be sure that what I choose is for the best.

 

You can never know that, even if circumstances seem absolutely ideal.

 

These circumstances seem absolutely far removed from ideal.

I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole.

[Yuuki]

Well, "liking" and "sweet" really aren't enough to consider entering into a relationship with anyone. You really should be feeling a lot more strongly about this....Are you considering doing this just for some peace and quiet, and just to see what it would be like?

 

It's kind of hard to explain. I think a lot before I date someone, there's a bit that has happened, but that would take all day to explain. I would never date someone to shut them up, and he's only asked a few times over 5+ years.

 

As of right now our feelings are, he says he loves me, and I love him. Which is funny because when it hit me I was kinda like "why do I feel this way", I've kinda been asking myself that same question about a lot of stuff when I think about past things. Like a long time ago he was talking to this one girl who actually is annoying and stuff, without making this a book, it basically boils down to is, out of all the times he's talked to her I felt hurt, and then I've been fine when he's dated other people, but this last girl he was dating when he told me, I felt that same pain.. I don't get like that, but I brushed that off.

 

On the face of this, I wouldn't get into this at all. "Anything for the quiet life" is what it sounds like. It's all for the wrong reasons.....

 

I wasn't trying to make it sound like that, I was merely trying to state that we aren't like complete opposites.

 

You can never know that, even if circumstances seem absolutely ideal.

 

These circumstances seem absolutely far removed from ideal.

I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole.

 

I understand what you're saying and I thank you for your help so far. I hope none of what I say comes off as defensive or mean sounding 'cause I am very appreciative of your advice.

 

I don't plan on dating anyone for awhile, I even mentioned this to him. I want to make sure that what I am feeling is real and that what I choose doesn't end in downfall. He's a really good friend, and I enjoy his company. He seems to make me smile all the time, others see this, even though I hadn't realized, or ever thought about it, he lights up my day. It kind of scares me because it feels like it's happened very suddenly, though it could be that I've liked him for a long time, but I kept denying it and pushing it into the back of my mind, that seems to make the most sense as to why I would feel jealous or upset those couple of times, other than those two times I've been completely fine that he talks to other girls and what not.

 

I'm not completely sure that what I am saying makes much sense. I hope it does though.

 

Thanks again.