My mother and me...Its long..but it has to be.

[summer19]

I know there are several threads and probably several similar but i wanted to tell my story. I am 25, an only child. Married and out of the house. But i have serious issues with how my mother raised me, controlled me, and generally didnt act like a mother at all. I resent her and tend to feel that she is to blame for most of my personality disfunctions. I cant just erase the previous 21 years spent with her teaching me how to exist in the world. I also know that I should see the problem and be smart enough to fix what has been damaged but is it all that simple?? My husband is suffering with me because of my problems and I wish i could wave a magic wand to make everything all better, but i cant seem to get over a lot of things.

 

A brief history is that my mother is not a terrible beast but she is full of problems. She has:control issues, smothering issues, depression issues, Body issues, and serious "oh poor me" issues. She also on a whole didnt do your typical mom things. She never cleaned, never cooked a dinner (or any other meal for that matter), and we had 6 animals that we basically lived in complete FILTH with. The only way i was allowed to do something is if it kept me in her house close to her. If the activity were not under those crieria the answer was "no" or "i dont care". Constant guilt trips. Constant crying. I believed her that i was a horrible disturbed person. I beleive that she was right that I had emotional issues.(until about 21 years) I thought she was normal. I will say that at the age of 18 I really started to fight against her control, but even with moving out I still felt I was the disaster of a human that she told me i was. I fought so hard against her controlling me that now i basically have nothing. I spent too much time running away...to go to college or focus on anything at all other than finding a real human being who loved me and could take me as far away as possible.

 

Well now ive found a person who truely loves me and has taken me to another country which is about as far as i can get. I found the only thing i was searching so hard for.. and now my friends I am completley lost about what to do next.I dont have a real job(i never have), I have no idea what i want out of life, I feel very incomplete, and extremely lost. I ask my self every day what do i want from life, what should i do so i can contribute something to society or make myself useful and I havent got a clue what i want AT ALL. I can see everyday the ways she has affected me, and im angry with her. But i have this life that is not really a life at all because im too stuck inside of something i tried to run away from. Plus i stuck myself in another country where i cant speak the language well, or drive for that matter making myself more dependant than ever ...Which with ever fiber of my being I HATE. I dont want to live off someone else or be dependant. I want to be independant and be a loving happy wife..and its exactly what im not at the moment. Im also really not trying to be a whiney brat...I just am lost confused and pretty depressed about my situation.

 

Thanks for sticking with me ... I prefer advice about "getting over your past" or maybe "how to pick your future" than about get a job and be independant because if i could do that right this second i would. I have to wait.

 

Thanks again.

[Geishawhelk]

You will never get over your past if you keep blaming your mother, her attitude and her treatment of you, for your present.

All you are doing is using your past as a crutch, and an excuse for the way you function today.

Realise this:

The only person who has a direct influence and any choice about what you do with your life, here and now - is you.

Your mother no longer has anything to do with it.

She may have shaped your past, but to permit her to continue to influence your present and steer your future, just makes you a victim, not a survivor.

 

I suggest you spend a day at the library and take books (non-fiction) off the hobby shelves and find something that holds your interest so much that you lose track of time.

Then make enquiries about further education in this subject, and go back to studying.

I'm 52 and about to embark on a new course which will give me qualifications, so it's never too late.

 

Whether you think you can, or

Whether you think you can't -

 

You're right.

[summer19]

I agree that its a crutch...but I dont know how to remove the resentment i feel. I dont know how to erase my past and move on effortlessly like it never happened. I hate hate hate being a "victim" I would love to look at everything she did from the control to the bad eating habits and say she was wrong so now i have to do better and opposite of what she taught me to be.

 

I thought about seeing someone but the country im currently in frowns upon seeking professional help. (that issue is a post for another day)maybe ill call it being -dragged -back -50 -years -from- your -normally- forward- thinking liberal- america.... but anyways..I was more hoping i could conquer this thing on my own. although i havent done a great job at all of that yet.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, obviously, I have no idea where you are, so I can't comment about the therapy being frowned on bit.....but to begin with, you literally have to watch your thinking and turn it around.

 

But you also have to promise yourself that you are simply NOT going to let this affect you one more day.

The way I did this, was to write my oppressors a letter, and I neither left anything out, nor pulled any punches. I let them have it with both barrels and expressed myself fully in what exactly I thought of them.

 

Then, I made up a personal ceremony, permitting myself to gain closure.

And I burnt the letter.

All 14 double-sided A4 pages of it.

One by one.

 

Then I had a shower, and as I did, I symbolically washed away any and all cr*a*p I had been persistently and voluntarily been carrying around, and put my own emotions, needs, desires, contentment and happiness above that of my oppressors.

Because when you allow someone, or something to control you, what you are effectively doing is making them more important than you are.

You are submitting to their dominance and authority, and giving them permission to continue lording it over you - even when they are in a different country.

Your anger, and resentment are borne of a frustration within you to shed your mother's influence, even though she is far removed.

 

Go to it.

[birdie]

I agree that its a crutch...but I dont know how to remove the resentment i feel. I dont know how to erase my past and move on effortlessly like it never happened. I hate hate hate being a "victim" I would love to look at everything she did from the control to the bad eating habits and say she was wrong so now i have to do better and opposite of what she taught me to be.

 

I think what would also help maybe is if you found something like a volunteer's job working with people. that's not to lessen your problems and say there are others that are less fortunate than you but what it would teach you is more compassion towards your mother.

 

when I discuss my family with my sister she always tries to find reasons why my parents did this or that in the past and it sometimes angered me because I feel she is just looking for excuses to justify our parents' actions. however, over time I have learnt that everyone deserves compassion and that everyone turns out to be the way they are for a reason. I still feel angry from time to time but I am also more understanding

 

if you saw your mother the vulnerable person that every single human being is in this world, that would allow your resentment decrease and perhaps one day disappear.

 

helping others is also a great way to feel good about yourself and to develop skills you never thought you had

[Geishawhelk]

excellent post, birdie.

 

I personally decided to not go down that route, but you are utterly spot on.

[summer19]

I think the volunteer work would be a good idea to keep me busy...but honestly the woman has show me enough of her human suffering. She finds a reason to "suffer" about everything. I am extremely understanding. I know she does things for a reason, and has problems im sure she wished she didnt have.I feel bad for her on a level, but i mostly would like erase my memory of her. She means well but has no idea what she does in the wake of her actions.

To let it go i may have to go the route of geishawhelk's suggestions. And to answer where I am, I am in Italy. My husband says only people who have "severe mentel distress" go to psycologists and "everyone in town" talks badly about them and there entire family..... I like italy..but compared to america and other foward thinking places, I feel its about 50 years behind the times. I also live in a little town with little minds. So perhaps that doesnt help either. Or maybe its just him and his family. Either way, I cant speak well enough to really express myself. So... I was searching for another way to deal with it.

 

thanks for the suggestions.

[Geishawhelk]

I am in Italy. My husband says only people who have "severe mentel distress" go to psycologists and "everyone in town" talks badly about them and there entire family.....

 

I'm Italian. My Mother and father both live there. And I can tell you categorically, your husband is so far off bat, it's untrue.

 

My mother is a fully qualified aromatherapist and Reflexologist, and she works with a lot of clients who have "issues"... who are also under a 'psicologo', or 'terapista'....

 

......Or maybe its just him and his family.

 

This is far more likely to be it. And in fact, I think your husband would be the one to feel the 'shame' of it, which is why I think he's trying to dissuade you. Not maliciously, but "perdere faccia" in Italy is a big thing. And I get what you mean about "the small town", but there's no stigma generally, to be under a psychologist.

[Eve]

A brief history is that my mother is not a terrible beast but she is full of problems. She has:control issues, smothering issues, depression issues, Body issues, and serious "oh poor me" issues. She also on a whole didnt do your typical mom things. She never cleaned, never cooked a dinner (or any other meal for that matter), and we had 6 animals that we basically lived in complete FILTH with. The only way i was allowed to do something is if it kept me in her house close to her. If the activity were not under those crieria the answer was "no" or "i dont care". Constant guilt trips. Constant crying. I believed her that i was a horrible disturbed person. I beleive that she was right that I had emotional issues.(until about 21 years) I thought she was normal.

 

I think that you have every right to be angry but until you put down the anger you wont move on. I say work through your anger in all of the suggestions put forward and let there be a cut off point. I suffered something simular and consciously decided that after 25 years of age anything I did was my responsiblity regardless of the terrible things I had seen. I simply stopped talking about it.

 

I allowed it to die.

 

It was quite a long journey at the end of which there was forgiveness. Unfortunately this happened on my mothers death bed. I cant tell you how fragile she looked at that moment. Mostly, I also had to come to terms with the fact that I did not love her because of all the bad stuff.

 

I suppose I have learned that there is only so much a person can do because of their own problems/challenges... or whatever. Sometimes we have very poor models in our parents and we will fall short with our own children too. BUT its what we do when things get tough that matters and often the things which were unsaid are what hurt the most. Your challenge will be learning how to do the things which were unsaid... dont be fooled by the abusive stuff which was said, it was never about that. She (more than likely) was unable to read non verbal communication/s because of some sort of block/problem. Dont let this be her legacy to you. Learn this for yourself, for your future. If you dont it will keep showing up in different people.

 

I hope that you understand what I mean.

 

I really wish you well and pray that you can move on eventually because it does get boring after a while. You are so much more than this!

 

Regards,

Eve xx