lizbtrfli Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 My boyfriend and I have worked so hard to be together. We were together for three years and then went our seperate ways...We were apart for three years and finally decided that we would work hard to be back together. He moved back to California and finally we were back togehter...Life was good. Everyone knows that relationships take work. Ours has had it's ups and downs over the last year. Our love, strong love, for one another always seems to keep us together. Well, I found out that for the last four months he has been living a double life. He has been using coke and not coming home when times between us are rough. I stayed up at night, worried, sick, wondering where is he? Is he alive? Was he in a wreak? At the time I did not know that he was using coke. He seemed soooooo different. I confronted him several times, asking him if he was on drugs. He always denied it. Well just before the **** all hit the fan, he sleep with someone else (on one occasion) in a hotel about 2 miles from where I was in bed worring sick about him... It was that same week that I learned about his new four month life and about sleeping with another woman. It ALL came out. He has been clean now for five weeks. He says that he is over it. That he turned to coke as an escape from us haveing hard times together. He says it kills him that he slept with someone else, knowing the hurt that it has caused me. I am heart broken. I thought that we would NEVER do that to each other...We are best friends... We have shed many tears together...It has been so hard. After much soul searching, I have decided to give him a chance. I know it will be a lot of work. I am very supportive of him getting help. He wants help... When I was in my early 20's I too used drugs so I am not clueless to all of this. I do know that you hurt those the closest to you while your using. I just wonder, does coke really change your judgement/decision making. Does it really play a part in sleeping with someone else or is it and excuse. I'm trying to understand so that I can make sense of it and then begin to heal and move on... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I can't really comment on the coke but to my mind it was just an excuse. You mentioned more than once how much WORK relationships are. Sorry, don't agree. If it's that much work then it's not right. Good relationships don't take so much work. Love isn't enough. There was a reason why you broke up and stayed away from each other in the first place. Ask yourself what those reasons were. Are they still applicable? Having hard times with you is no excuse to use and abuse coke. I'm not buying that. Besides, there will always be times that aren't so great..how will he cope next time? I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't get my hopes up about this if I were you. Second chances rarely work out. And now on top of that, he's slept with someone else. I don't see a future for the two of you here. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lizbtrfli Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 I know that you must work at having a healthy relationship. Working on your relationship is not a negative thing. It simply means you need to put effort into it. That it what I mean when I say relationships take work. You said it yourself, "Love is not enough". It takes nurturing and effort. We split up in the first place years ago because were young and wanted to go forward in our own lives before settling down. We never lost contact. We never stopped loving one another. It was not because of some big break up. We were from different states. He moved home to Colorado and I to California, never losing touch with one another. I guess I gave the short version of the story. This is my first time posting on here. I was hoping to hear from someone knowing about coke and how it affects your judgement. I have already gone through the process of deciding whether or not to go forward with him. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Ok, I see what you mean about the "effort" one has to put forth. I'm just saying that I don't think it should be "work" all the time. It shouldn't have to be so hard. As to the coke, sorry I can't comment. I can comment on addiction in general though. And no. It's NO excuse to go out and sleep with someone else. And yes, all drugs, to one degree or another, impairs our judgment. So what? It still doesn't excuse it. You seem to want to think that it was all the drug and that's what made him do it and he bears no responsibility. Sounds to me like he's trying to blame YOU for this. Good luck with this. Sorry I couldn't specifically comment on the coke issue but it's all pretty much the same thing when it comes to drugs. You said you're still going forward with this so I'm not really sure how getting that question answered will help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lizbtrfli Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 He has not blamed me at all. God, if he did!!!! NO, coke does not excuse any bad behavior. Not at all. Having done drugs myself, I remember making some bad decisions that hurt those closest to me. I guess I'm not sure what I was looking to hear... You know what this forum thing is not for me. I was curious to see how it worked. I think it is way too hard for anyone on not knowing all the details and the people to give advice. It was a bad idea for me to share my thoughts this way. I am tring to understand how coke affects the thinking process. I think that I probably should just read articles on cocaine use, rather than this type of forum. I have never done the forum thing before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lizbtrfli Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Now I can not figure out how to cancel my account. Great... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 He has not blamed me at all. God, if he did!!!! NO, coke does not excuse any bad behavior. Not at all. Having done drugs myself, I remember making some bad decisions that hurt those closest to me. I guess I'm not sure what I was looking to hear... You know what this forum thing is not for me. I was curious to see how it worked. I think it is way too hard for anyone on not knowing all the details and the people to give advice. It was a bad idea for me to share my thoughts this way. I am tring to understand how coke affects the thinking process. I think that I probably should just read articles on cocaine use, rather than this type of forum. I have never done the forum thing before. I took this "That he turned to coke as an escape from us haveing hard times together" to mean that he was blaming you. Well I'm sorry you think this isn't for you. But you're wrong about one thing. I don't need to know the details to know that this will be a rocky road for you both. Count my words. And again, I'm sorry to say that, but it's the truth. The little bit of info you gave told me pretty much all that I needed to know. I'm sure you don't agree though. I'm sure you will get responses from people who have experience with coke and their effects, etc. You have to be patient. Keep checking back..or not. It's up to you. I do wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Now I can not figure out how to cancel my account. Great... Why do you have to cancel it? You can send the mods a request and they might or might not do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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