NC Day 26 - I am going to break it

[Zammo25]

This kind of stuff is entertaining to me so you could say the satisfaction of giving advice and having it work for some one is my reward. I don't consider myself or you a loser but your attitude is very negative and will only cause you more pain. You obviously need to be miserable because you're doing everything in your power to think about this at all times. I would recomend you give other people on LS genuine advise meant to help them out, posotive advice and take a vaction from thinking about your problems, this thread itself only makes you think about ur situation and get more depressed. Don't send the letter, and if you have or do then remember you said this was the final letter. If you really want to try and get your gf back a letter probably won't do it you should show up in person and talk to her... if thats not an option the just let her go

 

Yes lets just give up. Ok I will give up on my dreams and hopes and just live a crap and unfulfilled life. Is that what you want to hear ?..

[Zammo25]

If this site is for the people you say it's for, why are so many of them arguing with your PoV...?

 

and -

an interpersonal relationship advice and assistance center providing a forum to confront personal conflicts, promote participation in self-discovery and responsibility, and to share dating tips, love advice, and platonic relationship resources.

 

That's from the intro. Nowhere does it say that this is a site for "losers and heartbroken, dumped and rejected".

 

I think you're the one in the wrong category.

So if anyone should consider whether they actually belong here - it's you......

 

Stop holding pity parties.

Or stop posting.

Either way, your progress is your choice, and you can choose whether to look up, or down.

 

You are in a 4 year relationship and you tell ME to stop psoting. What the hell are you doing on here ?. No doubt you NEVER went through the phases I am going through and carried on as if nothing happened and were totally strong and never weak at any point. Why the hell should I stop posting , you are the one who is not meant to be on here. You are happy so how can you possibly relate to the pain ?. Jesus H Christ !.

[Frankasy]

If you really think it will help you heal and have closure, then send it. But please be sure in your heart that you're doing it for YOU and not to get a reaction/response out of your ex.

 

I was lazy and didn't read all 4 pages so I don't know if you've sent the email to your ex or not but if you haven't, just keep this advice given to you by Butterfly01 because it sums pretty much everything. Don't email it if you're expecting for a reply because then it will pretty much put you back in the game instead of getting you out of it. Keep that in mind and good luck.

[Geishawhelk]

You are in a 4 year relationship and you tell ME to stop psoting. What the hell are you doing on here ?. No doubt you NEVER went through the phases I am going through and carried on as if nothing happened and were totally strong and never weak at any point.

Wrong.

But I resolved to get over it....

 

Why the hell should I stop posting , you are the one who is not meant to be on here.

Why?? because I'm happy, and I can indicate ways for you to be happy too, if only you'd listen? You're the one refusing the hand both I and others are offering you. You're the one who - inspite of comments, suggestions and evidence to the contrary - is determined to stay stuck where you are....

 

You are happy so how can you possibly relate to the pain ?

Because I've known it. And come through it.

It's not easy, I'm not saying it is.

It's not instant either.

And it's hard work and takes effort.

But it does work.

But you have to think enough of yourself to feel you deserve to come through it.

[serendip]

I accept what you saying but LS is a fourm for lets be honest losers. Don't get me wrong I am a loser as well. But it is always so negative. If someone says they love you it must be they don't love you. It is always the negative , no wonder people can't get or keep hold of their partners which such an attitude.

 

She may still love you, you do not know she doesn't or the other people on here you have the high and mighty attitude of she does not love you. You don't know here. Maybe she does but I did not fulfill the things she wanted. But , no SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

 

I doubt anyone on here will find and keep a partner will such a flimsy attitude giving up at the first hurdle. It is a forum for people ( like me ) wallowing in their own self pity.

 

I don't quite understand what you want...

 

if you want to know how to get them back...go to second chances...read up the advice.

 

if you want to start dating then go to the dating forum.

 

if you want to know how to...do blow...go to the addiction's forum.

 

If you want to know how to cope with loss...then stay in this forum.

 

But if you want to have a pity party...my suggestion is...don't come on here and slag people who are trying their hardest to give you sound advice.

 

I haven't been around b/c I've been busy but fellow loveshackers have help me through a great deal of pain in regards to my breakup. They made me realize that I deserved better treatment and when my ex wanted to get back together...I didn't even bother replying to her....and that's made all the difference.

 

...and as far as no one can understand your pain....get over yourself...stop throwing yourself a pity party. There's a lot of people who have through a lot of crap and have come out much better for it.

[Zammo25]

I don't quite understand what you want...

 

if you want to know how to get them back...go to second chances...read up the advice.

 

if you want to start dating then go to the dating forum.

 

if you want to know how to...do blow...go to the addiction's forum.

 

If you want to know how to cope with loss...then stay in this forum.

 

But if you want to have a pity party...my suggestion is...don't come on here and slag people who are trying their hardest to give you sound advice.

 

I haven't been around b/c I've been busy but fellow loveshackers have help me through a great deal of pain in regards to my breakup. They made me realize that I deserved better treatment and when my ex wanted to get back together...I didn't even bother replying to her....and that's made all the difference.

 

...and as far as no one can understand your pain....get over yourself...stop throwing yourself a pity party. There's a lot of people who have through a lot of crap and have come out much better for it.

 

Thanks for your understanding and support. NOT.

[Zammo25]

Wrong.

But I resolved to get over it....

 

 

Why?? because I'm happy, and I can indicate ways for you to be happy too, if only you'd listen? You're the one refusing the hand both I and others are offering you. You're the one who - inspite of comments, suggestions and evidence to the contrary - is determined to stay stuck where you are....

 

 

Because I've known it. And come through it.

It's not easy, I'm not saying it is.

It's not instant either.

And it's hard work and takes effort.

But it does work.

But you have to think enough of yourself to feel you deserve to come through it.

 

You are obviously a better person than me so well done to. You can feel even better and evern smugger about yourself now. You know ALL the answers don;t you. Ever considered challenging Barrack at the next election ?.

[Frankasy]

You are obviously a better person than me so well done to. You can feel even better and evern smugger about yourself now. You know ALL the answers don;t you. Ever considered challenging Barrack at the next election ?.

 

Not that it's any of my business but from all the users I've seen here, Geishawhelk is the most intelligent, understanding, tolerant and constant user here who never has outbursts(Kinda like yours). You are really not doing yourself any good by doing this crap.

[audrey_1]

Thanks for your understanding and support. NOT.

 

Come on, Zammo. Back off these folks who are trying to give you something to think about. Sometimes the best thing about LS is not getting a band aid, but hearing some tough love that forces you to look in the mirror (of which I consider Geishawalk a good one). We have to take responsibility for ourselves, even in the face of having our heart broken. Sometimes it ends up to our advantage that someone DID choose to leave us and move on. It frees us up to be with someone better and more compatible, though we may not be immediately aware of it.

 

We can't dwell on the past. We shouldn't even dwell on feelings of hurt after being dumped. Sure, take a little while to process the emotions and feel those feelings of pain, but sooner rather than later, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and say ... NEXT!

 

We must make that decision for ourselves.

[Nekra]

Hello

I'm new and I'm not english, apologise for any mistakes. I would only like to advice you that truth hurts but sooner you deal with it and accept it the better chances are that you will move on. No one is hear to attack/judge you but all they do is trying to help you to move on. I am in similiar situation as yours but I wish I havent done these mistakes as you: writing letters, emails, text messages etc and what did I get in return nothing apart from losing self respect and dwelling in my unforgivable mistakes that presented me as desperate, destitude and clingy. I am now more suffering and hurting because of this mstakes than that I have lost someone who doesnt care and doesnt bother to listen and understand what I'm going through. It hurts like hell but the one who has caused the pain dont want to hear it. He has turned himself into a familiar stranger and doesnt want to be a part of this.

 

Special thanks and respect for everyone but especially for Geishawhelk whose opinions I value a lot. I dont know if there is a way to get in touch with her via email as I would like to tell my complicated tale of whoe and get her advice via email as I'm concerned about my ability to put in writing where everyone can get access because of my english.

 

Dont wait for the storm to pass, learn to dance in the rain

[Zammo25]

Not that it's any of my business but from all the users I've seen here, Geishawhelk is the most intelligent, understanding, tolerant and constant user here who never has outbursts(Kinda like yours). You are really not doing yourself any good by doing this crap.

 

She may be but she is not in a position to be lecturing people as she does cannot empathise with it. Its obvious she has a fan club and I am a newbie but I will say what I think.

[Butterfly01]

Oh my, this thread has taken an ugly turn.

 

All I can say is that we are all here for the same reason, we are trying to cope in our own way with losing someone we love. And many may disagree with how we are going about it -- I am trying to remain friends with my ex -- something not many people here agree with, but it is what is helping me get closure and something I personally need to do. So we should not judge the path other people take -- we can offer our own learnings, but still have to support what Zammo believes he needs to do in his own situation.

 

By the way, did you send the letter Zammo? If so, did it achieve what you had hoped?

[Zammo25]

Oh my, this thread has taken an ugly turn.

 

All I can say is that we are all here for the same reason, we are trying to cope in our own way with losing someone we love. And many may disagree with how we are going about it -- I personally am trying to remain friends with my ex -- something not many people here agree with, but it is what is helping me get closure and something I need to do. So we should not judge the path other people take -- we can offer our own learnings, but still have to support what Zammo believes he needs to do in his own siuation.

 

By the way, did you send the letter Zammo? If so, did it achieve what you had hoped?

 

The letter has not been sent. All the negativity has put me off. Maybe just manybe all of the LS negativity prevents people making reconciliations as according to the fourm it NEVER happens and just give up. Well I am not sure about that. I am going to send the letter this week and then I can rest knowing she knows how much I truely and deeply loved her. Then I can look in the mirror and try and move on knowing I did all I could and was true to myself and true to my heart. I feel that is the besy way forard for me not matter what the Ls " experts " say.

[Geishawhelk]

Curious.

 

Nowhere in this thread, have I ever told you, myself, to NOT send the letter....

[Zammo25]

Curious.

 

Nowhere in this thread, have I ever told you, myself, to NOT send the letter....

 

Everyone without exception has told me not to send it.

[Geishawhelk]

No they didn't. Butterfly told you to send it. meaplus said you could send it. And actually, if it gives you the closure you seek, I'd say send it.

 

So "everyone without exception" is inaccurate.

And actually, just serves to illustrate how negative and anti- you are about the attempts people have made to try to help you and just be supportive with different views and opinions.

You've chosen to say that nobody is on your side, or sees it form your standpoint.

And that's just not true, is it?

 

You seem to think that the support and encouragement people have been giving you indicates a lack of empathy because nobody can possibly know how you feel.

 

And you're right.

of course you are.

They can't.

 

But they - we - have had similarly painful experiences.

Everyone has gone through the mill, or is even still going through it.

So whilst nobody can ever claim that they know exactly how you feel, they can equate.

And what people are trying to do is to give you the benfit of hindsight. the benefit of their own experiences, in order to reassure you that given time, effort and a positive attitude - this WILL pass....

[Zammo25]

No they didn't. Butterfly told you to send it. meaplus said you could send it. And actually, if it gives you the closure you seek, I'd say send it.

 

So "everyone without exception" is inaccurate.

And actually, just serves to illustrate how negative and anti- you are about the attempts people have made to try to help you and just be supportive with different views and opinions.

You've chosen to say that nobody is on your side, or sees it form your standpoint.

And that's just not true, is it?

 

You seem to think that the support and encouragement people have been giving you indicates a lack of empathy because nobody can possibly know how you feel.

 

And you're right.

of course you are.

They can't.

 

But they - we - have had similarly painful experiences.

Everyone has gone through the mill, or is even still going through it.

So whilst nobody can ever claim that they know exactly how you feel, they can equate.

And what people are trying to do is to give you the benfit of hindsight. the benefit of their own experiences, in order to reassure you that given time, effort and a positive attitude - this WILL pass....

 

I would like to apologise for my comments to you and everyone else tonight. I am messed up and hurting like I have never done before in my 46 years. I guess this is the anger stage of the process and I am lashing out in all directions. Forgive me. I am not thinking straight. I will get up tomorrow and try and start again and see if I can gain some strength from somewhere. This is alien to me and I have neve experinced this pain to this extent before and I appreciate your comments and your wisdom I really do.

[Geishawhelk]

Think nothing of it.

You need some rest.....

 

Take care, sleep well, and get a good night's kip.

[irishsimon]

I sent an email 2 days ago to the girl I recently split up with. She wanted the split and it was the right decision. I will not bore you with the details. Its my fault we split but it couldnt be helped.. external factors affected me.

 

I'm glad I did it as there was stuff that needed to be said from my point of view. If i had just walked away she would have thought I really couldn't care less.

 

When I think about it now it could be viewed as manipulative and selfish, which is just not something I would ever want to do or be associated with.. especially from her side. I also think it may have ruined any chance of getting back with her in the future as it probably made me look needy..even though the email didnt sound needy. And thats the thing..it gets you thinking too much and therein lies the problem. I obsessed about it for at least 24 hours and felt really crap.

 

Despite your best intentions you will suffer some heartache and paranoia. If you can handle it..do it.

[Butterfly01]

I would like to apologise for my comments to you and everyone else tonight. I am messed up and hurting like I have never done before in my 46 years. I guess this is the anger stage of the process and I am lashing out in all directions. Forgive me. I am not thinking straight. I will get up tomorrow and try and start again and see if I can gain some strength from somewhere. This is alien to me and I have neve experinced this pain to this extent before and I appreciate your comments and your wisdom I really do.

 

 

We all really do feel for you Zammo -- and even though the details of each of our situations may be different, the pain is very much the same.

 

Take care. *hugs*

[Justmike101]

this will not end well

[Zammo25]

this will not end well

 

Your behind the pace my friemnd. It already has not ended well. She finsihed with me over 4 weeks ago. As for putting back supposed " progress and healing" , what progress and healing. Its day 29 NC and I feel worse than ever and have made no progress so this goodbye letter is not going to damage anything.

[nature]

Zammo, I understand why you wrote a letter and want to send it to her. I would do the same. She sent you a letter and said her peace. Now you've had some time to cool down, and you have some things you need to get off your chest. Do it. I would do the same. It would be my sense of closure. I cannot leave things open ended, and need to feel that we have ended things on even ground, no matter how much I've hurt. I just feel like you have a need to gain a bit of your "power' back, and you can do that by sending the letter. So send it. Then go NC. You probably won't hear back from her right away. Maybe not even for a few months. But inside yourself, you will know you were honest and had the chance to say your peace to her. And there is nothing wrong with that. After two years together, of course you have some things you need to say. Just do it.

 

PS....why did she break up with you? were there problems leading up to the break up??

[Zammo25]

Zammo, I understand why you wrote a letter and want to send it to her. I would do the same. She sent you a letter and said her peace. Now you've had some time to cool down, and you have some things you need to get off your chest. Do it. I would do the same. It would be my sense of closure. I cannot leave things open ended, and need to feel that we have ended things on even ground, no matter how much I've hurt. I just feel like you have a need to gain a bit of your "power' back, and you can do that by sending the letter. So send it. Then go NC. You probably won't hear back from her right away. Maybe not even for a few months. But inside yourself, you will know you were honest and had the chance to say your peace to her. And there is nothing wrong with that. After two years together, of course you have some things you need to say. Just do it.

 

PS....why did she break up with you? were there problems leading up to the break up??

 

Thanks for your kind words. At last someone who can understand where I am coming from. I was her for three and a half years. I think the basic problem is that she wanted thinbgs to move quickly and plan a future together like getting a place together and marriage. I had come out of a 13 year relationship and 5 and a half year marriage. My divorce only came through 2 years into the new relationship. Once bitten I suppose I was in no rush to re marry but she wanted it and I did not give her the committment and plans for the future within her timescale. As my business was so bad in 2008 this genuinely delayed things by a whole year and with business looking just as bad this year the same applies. I think she thinks these are excuses and I believe she has basically fallen out of love with me over the time and when I told her I was do all I could in 2009 to make things happen she said " times up " and we have no future together on 5/1 when I last saw her.

 

The last 29 days have re inforced how much I loved and cared for her. I made a botched marriage proposal when we split late last year and was going to propose again on valentines day this year ( I have the ring ) but time ran out on me.

 

Having 29 days of NC I have respected her decision and space but this letter is a very nice letter which states I did not want ti to end and to remember I loved her but accept her decision and that I am moving on with my letter even though I miss her very much and wishes her well in the future.

 

It is rtue to my feelings, my heart and who I am. I can then look in the mirror and say I did all I could have try and gain back some self respect.

 

I do not expect a reply, a reconciliation or anything. But be true to ourselves and don't be sorry for loving someone , even if it was more than they loved you.

[not_a_happy_camper]

Hi Zammo. I know our situations are very different. But I sent my ex an email two weeks after the break up. he had dumped me, but at the same time told me he'd be regretting it, and could end up ringing me begging me to come back. I didn't want it to end. But two angry and upset weeks later I sent him an email saying I never wanted to be with someone who didn't want to try. Who could leave me without taking the effort to fix things, when he kept telling me how much he cared. he was just contradicting himself. So I said it would never happen again. even though I loved him so much, I couldn't do that to myself. I said I didn't want a reply. But I got one anyway, in which new information came to light about all that had happened. I thought I was getting closure, but instead it hurt me more to know again, there was other things we should have talked about. I got no closure at that time. I got more hurt. Because of the mixed messages he was still sending me. I know you've sent the email already. And it will feel better that you got it off your chest, I felt better at first. Just know that you may have set yourself up for a bigger fall. I hope things work out for the best for you whatever happens.