Author flyonthewall Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 Flyonthewall I'm interested in the part that you say you are not in fantasy land. It's not meant that he showers you w/presents and rose petals are strewn to the bedroom when you are together. It's more basic than that, can you call him whenever you want no matter of the time of day? Can you go see him and vice versa at any time? Can you spend unlimited time together whenever you wish without watching the clock? Can you hug and kiss in public in any public place without fear of someone seeing? If you answer with a no....and even if followed with a "but"....then it is a fantasy. The r'ship still exists with secrets and lies fueling the passion. It's not real, that's why when it goes to real life, many times it can't survive. For the most part I can answer yes to those questions. Did I do those things? no because I don't want a mess on my hands. How can you tell me as person who wouldn't even know me if they passed me on the street what is real? So my feelings are not real and his feelings are not real because he is married? I mean come on, how can you even make a statement like that without even knowing me or him? And these are the things that I have told him that I read on here, that our feelings are not real for each based on what people like you say. Not "oh you are never leaving blah blah blah" those things never even came up. Its taking your opinion and placing it on every single person that you dont even know! This is real life, sorry. I am not a child living in some f'in dream world. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Sandy the nature of these r'ship's is they are very soul sucking at their nature, it is going to rob you of your self esteem no matter that you are guarding it. It's what these affairs do. The guy if he's done it before moves on to someone else...while you are left shattered wondering how and why you let someone do this to you. Your story is no different, I get that you think it is. I agree. This point in the affair is like Oprah was in her weight loss before she gained most of her weight back. You know, I'll just have a little more of that ice cream. The scale only went up 4 pounds, I can handle that. And before she knew it, she was back to eating fattening foods again and eating late at night, or whatever. That's how it is in an affair. At first you go out of your way to continue to socialize with friends. Then you stay home one time sulking about something concerning MM. Then before you know it, you've excused yourself from three months of outings because you were upset, or he was coming over, or whatever. And the MM doesn't know that you are leaving your life behind because he is coming over. He figures he's got time to see you, so you'll make the time to see him. Sometimes he can see you alot, and you willingly miss a lot. And then, he's got to keep the W close enough to not suspect an affair, so he doesn't come around as much for a period. But you've gotten used to staying in with him, so you stay home. Its a vicious, vicious cycle that one doesn't even realize is happening most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 For the most part I can answer yes to those questions. Did I do those things? no because I don't want a mess on my hands. How can you tell me as person who wouldn't even know me if they passed me on the street what is real? So my feelings are not real and his feelings are not real because he is married? I mean come on, how can you even make a statement like that without even knowing me or him? And these are the things that I have told him that I read on here, that our feelings are not real for each based on what people like you say. Not "oh you are never leaving blah blah blah" those things never even came up. Its taking your opinion and placing it on every single person that you dont even know! This is real life, sorry. I am not a child living in some f'in dream world. You are being defensive. The question wasn't about your feelings being real or not. Obviously they are or you wouldn't spend your time building this strawman so that you can knock him down. You can't call his house because you don't want a mess on your hands. Well, why would there be a mess on your hands? He IS your boyfriend, right? Or is he more HER HUSBAND than YOUR BF? Calling his home or visiting his home is the key to this question. If you aren't welcome in his home, not on the false basis that you are just a friend or a co-worker (that doesn't count), then the *reality of your relationship* stops right there. We aren't talking about feelings. Feelings are fickle. They come and go. No one is interested in bashing you. We are just interested in having a real conversation about the nature of your relationship. Believe it or not, if you accept what it is, an affair, you are more likely to be able to either take it or leave it and deal with the resulting feelings in a more healthy way than if you defend it without really giving any thought to what you are defending. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 So my feelings are not real and his feelings are not real because he is married? If you accept that his feelings are real, then you also have to accept the reality of his situation. What happens to your real feelings when he goes home to his wife? When he sleeps with and wakes up next to her? Your not being attacked here but rather getting good feedback on the reality of your situation. Don't you feel that the situation is a little one sided? He has options, choices to make, a "process" to go through. And you have....? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy223 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 People dont leave because the OW stays with them. They leave because they want to leave. You are either predatory or setting yourself up for heartache - regardless of whether you have a future together. Exactly, which is why the best thing to do is to put your heart first, and know what YOU want. Period. He will leave if he wants to. Period. This is what leads me to be in control of my own life. Because I KNOW that I can not effect the outcome over what anyone else wants.... I know this under no uncertain terms... it is engrained in my brain... which is why I know that it is imperative that I maintain control over myself and the choices that I make... while I want to be in a committed relationship, no one says it has to be with him ... if he doesn't step up to the plate, then I cannot be with him in that way... it's as simple as that. And, yes, I do love this person, and am not ready to let go of spending time with him and getting to know him better, etc., But, I don't understand WHY on earth being you can't be in love, unable/willing to stop seeing the person; and in control of the situation at the same time? Why does being in control, e.g., knowing you cannot make someone EVER do anything, and maintaining your composure, and knowing what you want in life (regardless of what anyone else does/doesn't choose to do) make you a predator???? I am not as confused as you would like to think ... I just don't understand why someone can't be both??? That doesn't make sense to me... love, by it's very nature is irrational and emotional ... someone can be in love, though, and still in control of their life... I am sorry, but you are mistaken. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 But, I don't understand WHY on earth being you can't be in love, unable/willing to stop seeing the person; and in control of the situation at the same time? If you cannot keep away then you are not in control. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy223 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I cannot keep away because I don't want to ... I enjoy being with him ... I am happy when I am with him ... I absolutely LOVE being with him! I don't Love being with everybody... I don't want to cut him out of my life. I love him.... you mean to tell me that everyone in this world who is in love is not in control of their life??? that is the most ridiculous thing I every heard of ... I NEVER said I wanted to stop seeing him now ... you all did. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy223 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 btw .... donnamaybe ... I love the picture that beautiful baby!!! she is sooo beautiful! Link to post Share on other sites
SerenityX2 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I cannot keep away because I don't want to ... I enjoy being with him ... I am happy when I am with him ... I absolutely LOVE being with him! I don't Love being with everybody... I don't want to cut him out of my life. I love him.... you mean to tell me that everyone in this world who is in love is not in control of their life??? that is the most ridiculous thing I every heard of ... I NEVER said I wanted to stop seeing him now ... you all did. Sandy that reads as pretty intense feelings. Just as you had the intensity building in December and became SO upset from someone that supposedly you can walk away from. Reading that, if he doesn't come through in the next few mos it doesn't sound like you'll be able to drop and him say NEXT! The intensity is there and will keep building that's why you are being warned you won't be able to let go. You can't even say that he feels the same way and I don't believe in the "he's not ready to". Guys believe it or not can own up to their feelings, the honest ones anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy223 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Wow! She is one gorgeous baby!!! And, yes ... Serenity and everyone else ... I hear ya!!! Let's just hope I can maintain this front and not get completely crushed .... I am praying for strength, courage, etc.... ... yes, the intensity is building up .... and yes, I think I am in control ... but, as Serenity pointed out ... I was a mess in december ... at this point, best I can do is see him less, pray for strength, and come here for support .... ... thank you all Link to post Share on other sites
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