it's Meg again

[Meg]

Well, I noticed my message was about to get pushed off the page, so I figured it would be a good time to write a new one. We are, for all intents and purposes, apart now. I am staying with my mom and dad, which sucks, but I live with it for now. I still have to work with him all day and that's really hard. I only left three days ago. If I'm not around him, I'm usually OK, unless I hear a certain song or something. The hardest part will be dividing everything up. We have three years worth of shared posessions, gifts, memories. Our apartment building is full of gossipy old ladies, and I can't bear the thought of them seeing me moving my furniture out, but I can't leave it - most of it is priceless family heirlooms. I left him a note tonight, on his pillow. It just basically says everything I've been feeling that he's never willing to listen to. I left the door open, saying that I still love him and want to be together if he's willing to try and work on things instead of just fighting. I thought maybe if he knew I was really going to leave him, he'd wake up, but I'm not holding my breath. And I have to stick to my guns this time. We always make up and act like nothing ever happened but we never talk things out. I can't let that happen anymore, it's just built up too much. Roses and sex aren't going to cut it anymore. I miss him terribly, and it's depressing to have to stay with my parents, even though I love them and they're glad I'm here. The funny thing is, I have more independence here than I did with him! Today I took the morning off and spent a few hours just walking around the city, he would have considered that a ridiculous waste of time. Anyway, as usual opinions are welcome.

[JUSTAGUY]

Hi Meg,

 

I am both relieved--and encouraged--for you. I think you've shown some real strength and courage and once the pain starts to go away, you'll begin to feel much better about yourself and life.

 

Do what you can to keep yourself busy so you won't have too much time to dwell on things. Stay active, and reconnect to this world you've been missing from for quite awhile now!

 

You already realize the need to minimize your contact with him--just remember that sometimes even a little is too much. Consider options that will put distance between you. You mentioned sharing a business, which could be sticky, but if he's there, you probably shouldn't be. Try to work something out to extricate yourself from that situation as best you can.

 

Don't make the old mistake of thinking you can 'just be friends.' RARELY does that EVER work and most often it keeps you hurting. Total and complete separation is usually the most effective way to recover your feelings and get on with your life.

 

There is something else that should do now to help yourself later. In similar situations, people often start forgetting the negatives in a failed relationship and start reminiscing about the positives. Now would be a very good time to make a LIST of all those negatives, the hurt, and all the bad feelings you have been dealing with. List them all out. Then put the list away. Should there come a time when you feel the impulse to rekindle the relationship, THEN would be a good time to review those notes.

 

You've done something that frequently takes a person years to do--you made a break from an abusive situation which could only have gotten worse. How lucky you are.

 

Hang in there--you've got a great new life just waiting to happen, and it will be far better than the past.

[Meg]

Thank you for all your help and advice. Our company, I'm afraid, is not the type of thing any of us can easily walk out on. And really, I don't want to. It was my baby, to begin with, and I love what I do, and the freedom of schedule it allows me. I started it because I didn't fit the 9 to 5 mold, and still don't. However, we aren't really on top of each other all day. One or the other of us is often out with clients while the others remain here to work. We work very atypical schedules, basically we work when we think we need to, so I have simply tried to adjust my schedule according to his the best I can. The only time I am really required to be around him for any length of time is at a weekly meeting, at which other partners and sometimes clients are present, so it's not too bad. The worst part is at night. Sleeping on your mother's couch with a cat on your feet doesn't measure up to holding the man you love at the end of a long day. I have been solving this by spending my days reconnecting with myself, shopping, going to museums, wokring out, and then working late until I am literally ready to pass out so I don't have time to lay there and think or cry. It's still rough, though.

[JUSTAGUY]

Yes, if only there was a cure for the loneliness! I know that very feeling you describe, and it certainly takes getting used to. But remember this though. You HAVE been by yourself before--so at least you know you CAN do it. Even if it isn't easy (which it most definitely ISN'T). It will become easier with time.

 

I AM glad to hear you're getting out now and enjoying a taste of real freedom. That's a great start!

 

You also need that *human* contact though, so I hope you are re-establishing connections with friends and family. You really need that soul support--now and down the road.

 

In the meantime, go INDULGE yourself--enjoy the life you've been missing. (And please don't even begin to THINK about guys for the next year or so--you need that time to just be YOU again.)

 

*Lots of encouragement and an E-HUG for you!*