Struggling with a newly LDR (military)

[endangeredreams]

Ok, so here is the deal. My boyfriend and I have been together just under two years, He's been on a fast attack submarine for most of that, so things have progressed a little slower then most "normal" relationships. In actual time we've been together, dating and in contact with one another for prob just about a year. (though we've both been exclusive the entire time) The last 6 months he has been on a "shore tour" meaning he no longer has to go out to sea.

Until, just before thanksgiving, the orders came in for an IA to a combat zone. (IA means individual augmentee, basically a navy dude doing a marine dude's job cause they ran out of marines) He will be gone for 372 days "in theater"... not counting the nearly month long training period, or the month long debreifing and return home process.

I don't do well with LDR's. I've never had to deal with something like this before. I knew it was a possibility when I started dating him, but I never thought it would get this far, or that I could love him this much.

It was differant on the sub, our relationship didnt have anywhere to grow during that period, contact was shut off. It wasnt so much an LDR as a break from relationships in general. And we haven't been seperated for more then 4 months. ever.

We were nearly living together before he left. or rather WE were living together, but our things were not(mostly due to lease/military/legal concerns). He's been gone about a week and a half, and I guess I am just scared. I'm scared he won't come back, I'm scared he wont contact me as much as I want him to, I'm scared he won't want to get married someday, I'm scared he'll come home and things won't be as good as they were a week ago. I'm scared I won't be able to wait for him.

The things I miss the most are things that cant be simulated LD. I miss him holding me while I sleep, I miss making him dinner, I miss laughing at the 10 pm news with him, I miss him playing with my hair, and scolding him to stop. More then a year just seems insurmountable at this point. I know it isnt his "fault" for being selected for this, and it makes it harder to know that he doesnt want to go any more then I want him to, but I cant help being miffed when he forgets valentines day, or my birthday, or our anniversary.. even though he has more important things to worry about like IEDs.

Having him torn away like this (less then 60 days from orders to deployment) made me realize I want him forever. I'm not ready to get married, and I know he isnt either... but I don't want to loose something that feels so right, so special.

My friends are all having the "why isnt he marrying you!" tantrums... I dont think most of them understand we arent really at the nearly 2 years mark when you take out the time he was underwater. I don't want to be in a relationship at the 3 year point that is where it is now, but how can things progress with him overseas? I don't really know what I'm "asking"... maybe just for your thoughts? I think it's worth waiting for, but with my newly married and engaged friends all chirping about wedding planning and babies... am I missing the window for my chance by focusing on this guy, no matter how right we feel?

[itsallmyfault]

Hi, I am a military man. I can see where you are coming from. Although I haven't been away from home to go to combat, I have been away from home, and am away right now.. What I can tell you is that you need to tell him EVERYTHING you just put in your post before he hits the ground over there.

 

You are strong for having your doubts, and expressing them to us, but the one that needs to know most is him. It's not just his life that will be hard if things start going sour during his deployment, but the lives of his comrades. He is going to HAVE to be able to focus on the job. Not worry about what you are up to when you start acting strange. Please, for him, and all of us that do this job, don't decide you can't do it, half way through it. And do it for yourself, because the guilt will EAT YOU ALIVE.

 

I'm not trying to sound negative at all. A lot of men have gone into harms way, with women waiting at home. It's a hard, challenging dynamic, and a lot of people come out of it sooo much stronger, knowing that they can trust eachother for that amount of time, under that kind of stress.

 

Understand that he WILL come back changed. Not like a psycho, or anything like that, but he will see things that really aren't meant to be seen by anyone, because it just shouldn't happen.. humans are only supposed to have so many holes in bodies, and when we see extras, it messes with our heads.

 

He will have his doubts, other buddies will be going through the same kinds of things, or worse, and their angst will feed his fears. But if you are honest, and open with him, and supportive of him, tell him he's doing a good job, and you are soo proud of him, and what he is doing. Of course you are allowed to miss him immensly, this isn't your first time apart, and it probably won't be the last. But you do know what to do.

 

Get in with the family support groups, go to the wives clubs/meetings, talk to women in the same predicament. have girls night out, but dont let it get out of control..

 

OR

 

If you don't feel you can do it, end it. NOW, like get off the computer and tell him, so that he can start getting over it. It's a tough situation for both of you. I don't want to seem insensitive, because I can really appreciate your situation.. and I"m going through it right now, on the other end. I'm away, and mine isn't so sure of herself right now, and its tearing me apart. I'm not even in combat. Please talk to him about it.

 

Good luck!

[terra]

whoa, it was like I was reading some of my own thoughts!! I'm in a really really similar situation and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My boyfriend will have to leave in the fall and is away a lot right now and I don't know how I am going to respond to 7 or more whole months of him gone.... Am afraid for when first leaves - it's going to be so hard and I will miss him so much but what scares me more is when he comes back. Will I have changed... I'm sure he will have, and I can't imagine it's going to be for the better.

None of my other friends understand what I'm going through, and I don't really want to become friends with my guys friend's girlfriends/wives.

I'm interested to know how your are doing with the situation now. Any insight would really help me out!

[Nicodaemos]

Military relationships are the hardest, the other is always gone, never there, and the complete lack of dependable communication. He may not be able to contact you for a long time, not his fault, he wants to talk to you, hear from you, so badly. but, its impossible for him to do so. Write letters to him. Maybe, write a journal, just what was going on during that day, your thoughts, feelings, and events. and send it to him. Getting that letter in the mail is one of the most wonderful things you can do for him. You wrote that letter, you touched it. You wrote that letter, Its what happened during your day. Do that for him, and it will keep him in better spirits than anything else you can do. Supplement that with a phone call, or internet chat, and it will be the best time he could ever have while away from you. and bring him closer to you then anything else you can do while he is deployed.

 

Communication is not a gauranteed thing in the military. you may go a month or longer without any contact at all from him. No letters, email, phone, nothing. When that happens, it means he is fine, and not harmed. That is normal, that is ok. get into the support groups for military spouses and families, they know what you are going through, because they are going through it right then. you mans there with thier men and women as well. No news is good news for you. and dont get alarmed if people come up the walk in dress uniform. Dont be scared unless you hear the words. But you wont hear them, its a possibility, understand that, but believe it wont happen.