Friends with exs? Not for me...

[The Blue Pill]

For me, it's a no go.

 

Out of sight, out of mind.

 

Although, I've become semi-friends with my ex-ex, so I'd say it takes 3 years for me to have the mental capacity to be only friends.

[runner]

you BOTH have moved on with your lives. And that means you can imagine them in the throws of passion with someone else and you just don't care.

 

bingo. this is key, and this is why i'm able to maintain contact with a few ex's - and this only works after healing. you know you've healed when the old heartache begins to feel like some vague footnote.

 

and i agree with your other points which is why i go total NC with other ex's

[runner]

i should also add that 'friends with exs' is probably a bit of a misnomer in itself. i just call them friends. the part of us having previously dated becomes secondary to the present friendship.

 

i can see how all this might seem alien to others who've never been in this situation. but as someone mentioned earlier, sometimes you meet someone and you just bond with them on a platonic but deep level, and for whatever reason, things got romantic along the way. the honeymoon ends one day, you go your separate ways for a while, and then something else unusual happens...you both mutually realise that the friendship was special and would like to keep that going.

 

but as for friends with ex's who will always be an ex, that doesn't work.

[lilmrcheerful]

I cannot express enough how much this thread is so good and VERY important to all of those in this position including myself.

 

My ex broke it off with me so that she can go back to her ex bf. There was no other reason OTHER than that even though she tried to find something to pin on me, in the end they were feeble excuses.

 

Anyway, she's with him now and has been for 3 months (well longer if you include the months of emotional cheating).

 

Of course, she wanted to remain friends. I gave it a go, I tried hard, but it just didn't work. I couldn't heal properly and the memories were too much especially when she started to act as if nothing had happened and using the same type of humour/conversations/dialogue/references to things we did and said when we were together minus the romantic gestures, it just felt horrible and it never gave me a chance to heal ontop of making me think that she honestly never cared about me enough to allow me to forget her.

 

She can't let me go because she knows she had it VERY good with me, honestly, she was treated almost with perfection, no other girl could have asked for more and she even said so herself enough times to me "I was the perfect boyfriend"...

 

Too late now...! I won't have it where she wants her cake with icing on it, it's one or the other and she chose the "other", too bad if he's not good enough! It's about time I end her being completely disrespectful and insulting my intelligence.

[moet70]

I dated a guy for 6 weeks, he dumped me, we stayed friends ...a month later he took me out for my birthday to an expensive restaurant - bought me roses and said it was great we could be friends...and def not with benefits....go figure! His flatmate also called me and said, I know you have broken up but I really liked you can we catch up sometime I would like to be friends with you..so I now have two for the price of one..she came out to bday drinks with me an my friends and fitted right in.

[HappyAgain]

My ex begged to remain friends until the divorce would be finalized. I was the dumper and went NC almost immediately and never looked back. I just wanted to be on my own and not help to assuage their guilt for cheating.

[EmperorR]

Was looking for this thread, trust me being friends does not work. My latest ex offered me , " I think it's better we remain great friends" and this thread is exactly what I thought of. It's the most greedy selfish thing someone can do. Like suddenly I'm just suppose to accept being nothing more than a friend ya right.

 

I told her nope, I wasn't friends with my ex fiancé after and I was with her for 3 years and saw her every day, why the heck would I be with you.

 

I tried the friends crap and it's painful, I'd rather not know what's going on in their life At all.

 

I even told it that I won't change my mind at all, I haven't contacted my ex fiancé in more than 7 months, and I won't contact this ex. Because even if your over then you realize why maybe hurt yourself again by being friends. I have friends they never hurt me or downgraded me so screw that.

[Lishy]

This thread is so good!

 

Remaining friends with an ex is just an excuse to stick around and hope you may get back OR relieve your/their guilt

 

Fk that!

[Nikki Sahagin]

This thread is GREAT lol!

 

I am currently wondering if me and my ex should try to be friends. We were best friends for 2 years prior to going out and were together for 2 years. We helped each other through a lot and had a great connection. I would love to just be able to be friends straight away but I can't. I hope we can be in the future. By then he may change his mind or me mine, thats the hard thing!

 

However when I feel the urge to be friends, I remember things he did that make me angry in the relationship. For instance, taking a pregnant girl out to lunch and never telling me, giving up on our sex life, never seeing me on fridays and saturdays, not liking me being around his friends - things that leave a bitter sting. The thing is, to counterbalance that, there are the GREAT things they did for you; he gave my my first kiss, we cuddled to sleep every night, we played video games, he cared for me when I was ill and vice versa. I like to think I am a big enough person that I can be there for him again one day, even if we are never back together, just for that special friendship. Life is short and I don't believe in shutting people out for no good reason. However I need to focus on myself and my own happiness before we can potentially ressurrect that friendship.

 

If there is a genuine friendship there, and they didn't betray you and cheat on you, then years down the line - a friendship may be worth it.

 

But I would NEVER try to be friends with a cheat or someone that brought you to the brink of self-destruction - whether as friends or lovers they were TOXIC to you. Some people simply need to be eradicated alltogether. Also I think it depends on what you tolerate from your friendships. I've put up with a lot of crap from friends who I still have around - i've seen them change, therefore I keep that openmindedness for my ex, who I had the BEST friendship with.

 

Friends to lovers to strangers....hopefully to friends again...back to the place it all started....

[tigressA]

I can never be friends with an ex. It just doesn't work for me. So why did I think I could still be friends with an ex-FWB? I tried it and I would still feel an attraction to him; we were like magnets. A year after we had "split" we ended up hooking up again, saying things like "I think I'll always be attracted to you" (me) and "I wanted to call you so many times, have you come over; I feel like I miss you sometimes" (him). After that we both started relationships with other people but we still hung out. No matter how much I laughed with him while we were together, when he left I would feel miserable. My unresolved feelings for him were that much more complicated and painful because he didn't commit to me--whenever he had a new girlfriend I would always think "What is so much better about this girl than me? Why did he not want to commit to me, but to her?" and I would immediately think that these girls didn't deserve him; they weren't smart enough or funny enough or pretty enough. I didn't realize that still spending time with this guy was the main cause of my lingering issues with him. I quit contact with him and I feel much better for it.

[Ariadne]

You cannot be friends with exes if you have issues.

 

If there aren't any there should be no problem.

 

I'm friends with my exes, but I find that there's not much to talk about.

 

(Except my ex husband 2 that I consider him part of the family)

[pandagirl]

Yeah, it doesn't work most of the time, BUT it definitely can. I wouldn't say I am close friends with any of my exes, but I am definitely on friendly terms with most of them.

 

Currently, a guy a dated briefly last year is trying to get back in touch with me, even though he has a gf. No hard feelings, but why bother on his end?

 

I'll never fully understand peoples' motivations.

[loser101]

I think it depends on why/how you broke up and on the size of your ego. If you accept that relationships come and go and the other person is not a bastard for not being able to make it work then you can remain friends. It takes a while to get over them but afterwards I don't see why not. It's not like you will be attracted to someone forever.

 

I have one ex I talk to almost every day because he is a friend of mine, gets on with my family and he is part of my life. We were together for 9 years and I won't throw that away. I get on with his family as well. With the others, I like to keep a tab on what's going on, I like to catch up on email from time to time. One ex is coming to town whom I haven't seen for 3 years and it will be good to have a beer.

 

I don't think you should always worry about people's motives (as long as you are cool with your own) and you shouldn't stick negative labels on them. That's not helpful in life in general IMO.

[Loving Too Much]

I don't think you should always worry about people's motives (as long as you are cool with your own) and you shouldn't stick negative labels on them. That's not helpful in life in general IMO.

 

 

 

I do however believe that you should be in touch with how your SO would feel about having that beer/hanging out with your exes. (Assuming anyone had a SO in that situation.)

 

Thats what got me about my EX. It was like I wasn't allowed to have an opinion about it. (Her hanging out with her EX)

[EmperorR]

Well I'd hlike to revise my previous posts, I am now friends with my recent ex. Why?

 

Because I no longer have emotions for her in that way, I accepted it did not work out, there was no cheating or another guy basically just distance.

 

 

But does that mean I'm close friends with her again? nope, just once in a blue moon we talk and that's it.

[Intricategirl]

I wouldn't say that my ex and I are friends. That's just not the right word for it, because he doesn't currently hold any of the characteristics I value in my friends. But he came over the other night for drinks after we took our son out for his birthday. We just sat on the porch and talked, I gave him a hug when it ended, and I told him we should do it again- just not too soon. And it wasn't in the hopes that we'll get back together, because he already knows where I stand on that. But the night before drinks, I had no qualms about telling him he was an ass. lol So if he's looking for me to assuage his guilt, boy, he's in for a rude awakening.

 

I guess he's maybe not so much a friend as a buddy. He's a lot like my closest guy friend (who was actually the best man at our wedding). I meet up with him about once every six months, we go out to lunch or a movie, a couple of texts here and there, and that's about it. Some good shared memories, some lousy ones I still give him hell over, not one of my closest friends, but I don't mind spending time around him every once in a while.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I've been battling and battling whether I could be friends with my ex...but I just don't think its possible. There's too much hurt and anger....and in time yes that will fade....but then that person still caused me hurt and pain!

 

Its hard because I'm quite a sentimental person. I don't like letting anyone or anything go. Maybe thats my problem - I can't let go. And I didn't want to let go - of him. But then any friendship would only hurt me more. So you no longer what me as your girlfriend? Just a friend again? Like the 100s of other friends you have. You will think, whether your self-esteem is high or low, WHY am I not good enough TO YOU anymore, that you just want me as a friend now? Why don't you want me anymore, the way that I want you? The way that we wanted each other?

 

If one person shifts from wanting to be with you, when you wanted to stay with them, then that will only hurt. If its a mutual breakup then person friendship is possible. It also depends on how they behave AFTER the breakup. For instance my ex was being nice at first...then pissy...then when I got a bit tougher being nice again. Now I don't know whether he's a good or a bad guy anymore...or just a confused guy.

 

I know the real him is a tender, insecure, highly vulnerable person....but his facade is arrogant etc. So part of me is drawn back to wanting to help, to mend, to be there for, the 'true him' but the arrogant facade is what dragged me down. And I have my own insecurites/weaknesses that I need to work on for myself. Cutting him out will be the hardest thing. Maybe one day when we've grown and the dust settles, we can be friends. For now, its time we went our seperate ways.

[Island Girl]

There are occasions when I could have been friends with an ex but they couldn't let go of the prior relationship so any effort was seen that I possibly wanted them again or thought I made a mistake when I dumped them.

 

I have never made a mistake when I dumped someone. It was always the right move.

And I have never wanted them back.

 

So that is another reason it is an all around bad idea and just causes issues.

[isthmus]

I'm in this very position at the moment... and I don't know what to do.

 

Me and my ex went out for 2.5years, broke up mutually about 8months ago, but because we were travelling extensively together for a few months after, still remained best friends and saw each other every day. Even when we got back home, we had some contact almost every day, but we did distance ourselves a bit.

 

All that changed about a month ago when he met someone new. I was devastated, and still am. He insists he still wants us to be best friends, and that his gf will just have to understand that. I do value him deeply as a friend, we still have so much fun together. But when I imagine him falling in love with someone else (we were each other's first everything), it hurts terribly. I am sad most days, but I am happy after we have a good conversation and we laugh and muck around like we used to.

 

I don't want to let him go as a friend, because he is a good guy. He never did anything to hurt me, we were just incompatible as a couple. But there are days where its just unbearable hearing about *her* and what he's been up to with *her*

 

Sorry for the rant... i'm still in the stage where its therapeutic to just let it all out!!

[Intricategirl]

Isthmus, that's one of those situations where it's probably best not to be friends. If he's bringing her up and inconsiderate of your past feelings for him, there's no reason to torture yourself. Maybe someday you can be friends with him, but for now, I'd suggest giving it a break, just for your own peace of mind.

 

When we're able to really talk in a friendly way, it's not about what went wrong with us, and it's never about who we're involved with now. Take those two things out of it, and there's a chance at being "friends". Because even though he never brings the OW he left me for up, occasionally I'll ask about her if I'm in a really good headspace. But it's too easy to tell him all the reasons why it won't work out with her, and as real as those reasons are, it's not conducive to just sitting and having a friendly drink with each other.

[blind_otter]

I'm only friendly with one exBF of mine - mainly because we live in a small town and he has a small child as well so we sort of run into each other at baby and kid related events. It's not like we call each other to hang out or anything, but we are cordial when we encounter each other socially. Also, our relationship lasted all of 3 months so it's not like we were engaged or anything.

 

But I do agree - why be friends with an ex? It's disrespectful to any subsequent relationships, I think.

[wow123]

It usually never works...but...I do have one ex whom I dated for 3 years and we are friends now. We occasionally speak and even hang out. Once the feelings are gone you can then be friends if the other person didn't do anything hurtful other then calling it quits.