Trying to move on...

[the_b]

So my g/f split with me almost a month ago. We'd been going out around 8 months in a LDR but saw each other every couple of weeks for long weekends etc.

 

She said from the start that she "could not love again" (she's had 3 previous relationships that ended with the guys either cheating, lying or stealing from her....3 real a**holes!), but I was willing to give it a chance as I liked her character so much. I had come out of a relationship about 6 months prior where I had been emotionally drained with my ex's antics (long story...).

 

So we dated and I was warming to her but this "i can't love again" kept cropping up. I tried to shrug it off at first, i wanted to give her the time she asked for (she knew it was hard on me) to see if her feelings would change. Anyhow, my gut knew she was stilling hurting from her first true love (the thief, with kids he hid from her!!). Over time this began wearing me down, I don't think I was as strong as I thought. Rather than being myself, i kinda lost my self-confidence around her, felt i was walking on egg-shells. I'd changed, really quiet, not smiling so much...i'd lost my "mo-jo" in so many ways. She'd had enough and decided that i wasn't the right guy for her and that she hadn't been able to love me from the start.

 

Looking back now i realise that I hadn't fully recovered from my prior relationship, i was still insecure and not fully self-confident. If only she knew that we both needed to feel trusting again, that yes i did change but it was due to not knowing where i stood with her (i was so unhappy not being myself, almost stiffled) and that i wanted us to BOTH grow from our past hurts to became better people together.

 

So we last spoke via text about 20 days ago...i wanted to talk things through but she'd already decided i'm not for her. She'd like to remain friends but for me that would be hard right now. So silly, two people who wanted and dreamed similar futures but couldn't make it beacuse BOTH our pasts came to haunt us in one way or another.

 

I so wish that she'd change her mind, have an ephinay, but I know life don't work like that. As she said, "i simply don't have those feelings"...that was my closure. So i sit here, lonely, missing her badly, thinking everything is so futile, thinking about what i did wrong, how I can grow and learn from this and knowing that happiness comes from sharing things with people...but she never wanted to share her heart with me

 

I so want to call her, i'm missing her and keep dreaming of the plans/future I'd so hoped for....man, this love thing doesn't get any easier as you get older...(i'm 32!). I'm off on travels on Friday, by twist of fate exactly the same travel opportunity came along when i broke up with my last ex (my "mo-jo" is returning ) but i know what i'll be like...wishing she was comming with me. I'm trying to let go, to rebuild my self-confidence after these two batterings but one thing is for sure...i refuse to be like her...i'll always be willing to give love a chance, to be open and LEARN from the past...not let it RULE me.