My best guy-friend has feelings for me

[belladonna]

So I've been single now for about 6 weeks. Recently, my closest male friend (one of my best friends) has told me that he really wants me and now that we're both single he just had to get it off his chest. The thing is, I've put him in this friendzone because we were both in relationships with other people for so long (6+years). He said that he's been getting really frustrated lately when we hang out because he wants me so bad.. He was always kind of jealous of my boyfriends but I thought it was more of a "big brother" protection type thing, you know? Apparently not, as he also told me it kills him to see me with other guys.

 

I really don't want a relationship right now, and even if I did I don't think it would work between us because he is such an unreliable friend (flaky, unreachable, never wants to go out, we're in dif. stages in life). I love hanging out with him (that's the only thing we do together) and I am attracted enough to him physically, I just don't know what to do.

 

I told him that I have to think about this and that we'll get together again this weekend to talk about it more.

 

I think I'd be up for some kind of FWB thing but if he likes me that much wouldn't that just play with his emotions? And then if I find someone else that I want an R with, I'll have to eventually tell him and then he'll be hurt.

 

And if I tell him I just want to continue being platonic friends then he'll feel rejected and lonely, and we probably will have to spend some time apart because he said before that he was getting "frustrated" when with me.

 

I tried looking through the threads for similar situations and they helped a bit but were still kind of different. So has anyone gone through this situation? What did you choose to do and how did it turn out? Do you think that he'd be OK with FWB? I care about him and don't want him to get hurt. Any advice is appreciated.

[Charles1978]

I had a very similar situation a few months back. It was a very unique situation, but overall very similar to yours. I eventually withdrew from the situation because if was frustrating to me. She asked me why I had been unreachable, but I didn't want to tell her. She insisted, so I told her that I wanted more, and for that reason, we couldn't hang out as much. That worked fine, but she told me that she hoped I could one day ask her out. But we were both on the rebound, and so I never did. We found a good balance, but we fell back into the same habits... basically hanging out together all the time. So then I withdrew once again... I'm sure I looked flaky too. But after a guy pours his heart out like that, it becomes somewhat embarrassing, and makes the relationship awkward.

 

What is weird about my situation is that I don't want a relationship either right now. She told me not long ago that we both know that if we started dating, it would immediately be serious and long term. I agreed, and my brain tells me it is the right thing for us, but my heart constantly tells me otherwise when we are together. It is a weird give and take, but ultimately I think it was the right thing for us to do. I can't really do the FWB thing... I'm more of a relationship guy. Each situation is different, but these situations all have one thing in common... they suck.

[belladonna]

But after a guy pours his heart out like that, it becomes somewhat embarrassing, and makes the relationship awkward.

 

I know, that's what worries me. He poured out his heart and now things are going to be different.

 

What is weird about my situation is that I don't want a relationship either right now. She told me not long ago that we both know that if we started dating, it would immediately be serious and long term. I agreed, and my brain tells me it is the right thing for us, but my heart constantly tells me otherwise when we are together. It is a weird give and take, but ultimately I think it was the right thing for us to do. I can't really do the FWB thing... I'm more of a relationship guy. Each situation is different, but these situations all have one thing in common... they suck.

 

This whole brain vs heart thing is very difficult. My emotions are wanting me to give it some sort of try, but logically I think it'll only end up hurting both of us in the end. I just get very uncomfortable talking to him about this. Thanks for your input Charles.

[Spoonie]

well here is my input...of course I have been in the same situation..I was pressurred to be in a relationship. How? I had frat bros. and her friends come talk to me about what i think and how I feel about her. Then, when it was one on one time she said Im not going to wait for you to make a decision cause Im tired of the FWB. Three weeks later we were still friends but she still wanted FBW.

NOW....you say you dont want to hurt him but your willing to do the FWB thing...all in all you will hurt him if you do that..cause for you it would be just FWB..for him.. its a relationship. I agree with charles about the withdrawl cause sometimes you have to pull yourself back and look at the situation. More likely it would best fit you to do some sole searching before you move or make a decision. Its important that you think logically and smart about you options and your decisions. Sometimes listening to your heart will get your heart broken.

 

Also to help you out. If he is so much of good friend, he will understand your decision on why you guys would work as friends and not lovers.

If he doesnt...follow charles and withdraw and keep as a contact and focus on yourself and whats more important. Not saying to lose him as a friends but look at the end result!!

[belladonna]

Thanks Spoonie, that was helpful!

 

NOW....you say you dont want to hurt him but your willing to do the FWB thing...all in all you will hurt him if you do that..cause for you it would be just FWB..for him.. its a relationship.

Yeah that's what I thought, but wasn't sure if maybe guys don't get as attached through sex so it wouldn't be as big of a deal? Although I suppose you could say that he's already emotionally attached. Regardless, if we do become FWB eventually I'll start seeing someone else and have to end it with him, which will hurt a lot. So I've also come to the conclusion that FWB wouldn't work.

 

More likely it would best fit you to do some sole searching before you move or make a decision. Its important that you think logically and smart about you options and your decisions. Sometimes listening to your heart will get your heart broken.

I agree 100%. I told him I need some time so I can think. It's hard when you don't know what you want.

 

Also to help you out. If he is so much of good friend, he will understand your decision on why you guys would work as friends and not lovers.

I hope so! But things won't be able to return to how they were right away which sucks a lot. It's going to take some time apart I know, but it's difficult when we have some mutual friends who we normally spend time together with. Luckily I've been making some new friends lately, so that will help.

 

Well, with all this thought I think I'm closer to a final decision. I need to rehearse what I'm going to say or something >_<

[Charles1978]

It's going to take some time apart I know, but it's difficult when we have some mutual friends who we normally spend time together with.

Damn if i didn't know any better, I'd say you are the same girl I'm talking about! That happened to us too... same friends. Its just something that you can deal with... we were able to, and still are. She asked me to meet her for dinner last night, so it's hard not to fall into the same habits. I declined, so as long as you both understand the situation, you can work through it. And if, eventually, you both have the desire to spend more time together... who knows, maybe something can come of it. But the ground rules need to be laid out for it to work.

[gopher]

I asked my best female friend out and it was the best thing I ever did for our friendship. She hesitated, so I knew she wasn't interested in me "that way". But, it was a relief to know one way or the other...I was off the crush rollar coaster...and our friendship got stronger after that, because I wasn't worried about hurting my chances to date her. We still talk a lot, but a bit less because she is married now... and she included me in her wedding party as an usher.

 

So, my point is that this could work out for the best, depending on his reaction if you choose to stay just friends.

[D-Lish]

I'd tread carefully with this situation. I had a close male friend that expressed his love for me and I only wanted to be friends. he pressured me and pressured me until he eventually met a nice girl and settled down with her.

 

I went through a lot of crap with him, finding out that he had sabotaged potential relationships with other guys and had once even suggested to a mutual friend that I liked (and he liked me) that we had been involved- which was a lie.

 

I had to cut back to the contact to next to nothing. Even now he tells me that if I changed my mind that he would leave his gf to be with me. It's just messy for me and I now avoid him.

 

Believe me- if he has feelings for you and you enter into a FWB relationship, you'll lead him on further and have an even bigger problem on your hands.

[belladonna]

I asked my best female friend out and it was the best thing I ever did for our friendship. She hesitated, so I knew she wasn't interested in me "that way". But, it was a relief to know one way or the other...I was off the crush rollar coaster...and our friendship got stronger after that, because I wasn't worried about hurting my chances to date her. We still talk a lot, but a bit less because she is married now... and she included me in her wedding party as an usher.

 

So, my point is that this could work out for the best, depending on his reaction if you choose to stay just friends.

 

Aw that's good that you could still be friends and things worked out. I'm hoping he'll be as understanding. I'm worried because he is still kind of depressed from his last relationship/complicated-mess-thing that me "rejecting" him could make things worse. I know there's no other way around it but it just gives me a sinking feeling.

 

Charles - I'm sure it happens to alot of people ! All we would do is hang out as a group together. If we could go back to that without him being frustrated I'd be so happy. I'm pretty sure that won't happen though. We never had flirty alone times together to go back to really, so I'm not worried about that.

[belladonna]

I'd tread carefully with this situation. I had a close male friend that expressed his love for me and I only wanted to be friends. he pressured me and pressured me until he eventually met a nice girl and settled down with her.

 

I went through a lot of crap with him, finding out that he had sabotaged potential relationships with other guys and had once even suggested to a mutual friend that I liked (and he liked me) that we had been involved- which was a lie.

 

I had to cut back to the contact to next to nothing. Even now he tells me that if I changed my mind that he would leave his gf to be with me. It's just messy for me and I now avoid him.

 

Believe me- if he has feelings for you and you enter into a FWB relationship, you'll lead him on further and have an even bigger problem on your hands.

 

Yikes. That is crazy. Advice taken! lol

 

I know he's not the type to sabotage relationships (he rarely actually goes out to talk to anyone at all, let alone spread rumours and whatnot), but he will certainly be all jealous and bitter if I meet someone else and we spend time together as a group (happens often). It's something I've noticed with my ex- ex boyfriend during the last year or two and definitely with my recent ex. Especially when he's drunk! He'll tell me how he hated them and how I could do better and all that.

 

I suppose I'm faltering so much because I have mixed feelings about him. We get along great, we have a lot in common in terms of tastes/interests, I'm sexually attracted to him, we can talk for hours about anything. BUT he never likes to go out or do things, he just wants to sit around and talk (which is nice once in a while..but this girl likes to party!) and takes no initiative to call or even respond to texts, (not just to me, but to our other friends as well) ..etc. I'm quite positive a relationship will fail (not that I even want one in general) based on me getting bored. He just doesn't seem to be boyfriend material..but if I gave him a chance maybe he would change? If I said, "let's go out on a date" maybe I'd see him in a different light, as we NEVER spend time alone together?

 

How fair is it to tell him that I don't want an R right now and that maybe in the future I'd consider it (not that I'd ask him to wait)? And could we be friends in the meantime?

 

Good god, I already know the answer and am kidding myself.

 

Sorry for the rant, I'm getting nervous as I'm most likely going to tell him this tomorrow thanks for the help I really appreciate it

[messiah]

Im in the same postition, I have been close to this girl for about 6 months or so about a month ago i told her that i really like her, she said she likes me too but she wants things to stay where they are (which i have no idea what that means) she recently ended things with her douche bag ex bf and she is quite gutted about it. I want to be there for her but then again i dont want to be just a shoulder to cry on. Maybe its too soon for me to move in? im sure she doesnt want a relationship right now but she floats around the idea of us dating not really giving me a proper answer so its very fustrating. You need to ask yourself, Will it bother you at all if he started to see another chick and was happy with her? if it doesnt bother you at all and youd be stoked for him, well then there is your answer. You two will be destined to be nothing but friends.

[black_monolith]

sounds a lot like something i've gone through. except im on the other side, im the guy friend.

I cant speak for all guys but i think i'd be more than happy with a FWB thing and wouldnt get emotionally invested. I wouldnt have wanted a relationship anyways, much less a serious one. i dont know how he feels but being that he is a guy i'd guess he's up for it

 

did you end up talking to him about it? how did things turn out?

[mr.dream merchant]

To be honest it sounds like this guy was only your friend to get close enough to date you. Guys who befriend females often have ulterior motives. This post is the classic case of a sleeper suitor waiting for the chick to lose her boyfriend so he can move in. Call it what you want, but that's not a friend, that's a snake.