To forgive a cheater

[NiceGirlsFinishLast]

My BF and I were together 1 1/2 years. It was bliss until a few months ago we got distant. Long story short I left him. A week after we broke up he started dating a girl who had flirted with him at work

 

He told me that a week after we broke up he started talking to a girl and dating. during this week of them dating we were discussing reconciling and planning our reunion. he said he'd break it off with her and buy me a ticket back home. He said he had to meet her for dinner and he would break it off in person. At this point they had not had sex..

 

he actually was still confused about us getting back together because he was still hurt that i left and at the dinner this girl started telling him she could see a future with him and he felt like she was nice to him and i had dumped him so he got all twisted and they went to her house and had sex...he said it was awkward...he felt weird and even more confused after being physical with someone else. he called me after and said he was too confused and we could not reconcile and that everything was off between us. he had sex with her again the next day to make sure it was really that bad and awkward being with someone other than me. it was. after that he realized what an idiot he was to be vindictive and think someone else could fill the void.

 

after that he wasn't confused anymore and broke up with the girl this afternoon and started begging me back. he says he made a huge mistake and was angry at me and was confused that the girl was so nice to him and i had left him and moved home.

 

he knows that since we were planning on reconciling when he slept with her that to me (and him) that is cheating. he doesn't feel he can be forgiven, but is sure i'm the one he wants to marry.

 

what do i do? i was packing to come back thinking everything was going to be fine and that he was breaking it off with this chick. that night he had sex with her? i know he broke it off with her, but damage was done and he said she became a bit annoying and weird.

 

questions:

is he only coming back because the chick was NOT potential?

should i hate him and consider him forever evil?

or

should i forgive and work on our relationship together?

[Haruka]

Hey hun,

 

I have been in your position, although at the time I was in a Friend with Benfits relationship with my now boyfriend.

 

My story short. While I was still his pal and sleeping with him, after two years he got hooked on a computer chatroom and starting to talk to a woman who was older then me, say 21 years. Who was a single mother of 6 and her eldest daughter of 16 was about to have a baby. Little did I know that she started to call him up and he would spend ages on the phone.

Then a few weeks later he "dumped" me and he then went interstate to meet her.

In the mean time, I sent an email telling him that I had feelings for him asked what he thought. He told my best friend that between this older woman and myself, she was a way better lover (of course she was 6 kids) then myself and I was crap at fornication.

However three weeks later he returned to our home town and he was talking to me but kind of keeping his distance. Like he would always refer to the older woman as the "girl" he was staying with. And how when he had the money he would be going back interstate to be with her.

 

About two months later, he started to get all pally with me. Especially doing things that we used to do together (not sex). It left me confused as I didn't know what his intentions were. After a while he told my best friend that he didn't believe I would ever forgive him for what he said about me.

 

Later on we sorted things out and he finally said we were a couple.

 

Now hun, the feelings I have sometimes is, "Is he only with me because the woman dumped him or that he thinks no-one else is interested?"

I actually found the computer file about her and I deleted it. As I knew it was going to plauge me and it was for my own mental health.

 

As for hating him forever, well it doesn't really work. There is days where I think he was a jerk, yet I understand that he is human after all.

 

How about give a trail period, say over two months if it doesn't work then you know that your not ready for a relationship with him. Neither as a friend or a lover.

[norajane]

Have you resolved any of the issues that led to your break-up in the first place? You said he had become distant - why? What was he doing, or what was causing his distance?

 

That underlying problem is why he was so quick to turn to another woman when you broke up. Are you sure he wasn't flirting with her even before you broke up? Or he was probably thinking about wanting to date other people during those months he was distant with you.

 

I don't think this is as simple as he had sex with someone while you were broken up for a week, and you aren't sure if you should forgive him or not. I think there are more problems underneath that caused him to want to experiment with someone else, and it started long before you broke up.

[Still Trying]

Fill us in on the long story short part. Why did you leave him, other than there was distance, there must have been something on your end for your feelings to change. Personally it's a grey area whether I'd consider that cheating or not, since you guys were still officially on break it's a tough call, moot point though since he's slept with this girl already, doesn't make it easier to deal with.

 

IME these on again off again relationships never worked for me - a break has always been a huge red flag, if there's a need for a break in the first place there's gotta be some big underlying issues in the relationship any way. It's not about this other woman at all, it's about you two and why he felt the need to try out another's bed before committing back to you.

[NiceGirlsFinishLast]

Fill us in on the long story short part. Why did you leave him, other than there was distance, there must have been something on your end for your feelings to change. Personally it's a grey area whether I'd consider that cheating or not, since you guys were still officially on break it's a tough call, moot point though since he's slept with this girl already, doesn't make it easier to deal with.

 

IME these on again off again relationships never worked for me - a break has always been a huge red flag, if there's a need for a break in the first place there's gotta be some big underlying issues in the relationship any way. It's not about this other woman at all, it's about you two and why he felt the need to try out another's bed before committing back to you.

 

everything was perfect until we started having money problems. we started fighting about it about 5 months ago and then 3 months ago being really distant. he kept saying he was scared i was going to leave him for a month before i left.

 

it hurts not being with him because he was my world and my best friend. he's begging.

 

i can't stop thinking about him touching her, kissing her, everything they did!!!!!!

 

i can understand parts of it, but i don't want anyone to touch me and can't think of have interest in anyone else. i don't understand how he did? have interest and even though it was weird he still wanted to have sex with her??????

[Dexter Morgan]

questions:

is he only coming back because the chick was NOT potential?

 

Who cares what the reason....he's a cheater.

 

 

should i hate him and consider him forever evil?

 

No, I just wouldn't consider him period. Lose the jackass.

 

 

should i forgive and work on our relationship together?

 

There is nothing to work on with a jerk like this. That is unless you want to put up with his cheating in the future.

[NiceGirlsFinishLast]

Who cares what the reason....he's a cheater.

 

 

 

 

No, I just wouldn't consider him period. Lose the jackass.

 

 

 

 

There is nothing to work on with a jerk like this. That is unless you want to put up with his cheating in the future.

 

we were broken up though when he did it....

BUT we were talking about working it out and getting back together

 

if it had been before we talked about reconciling i would say none of my business, we were not together...but he did it after we were talking again and he was confused and i was begging for him to bring me back home.

 

so he technically didnt cheat, but he did in a sense of we were planning how we could work on our relationship and saying i love you ..i miss you, etc.

[Dexter Morgan]

we were broken up though when he did it....

 

Justify it however you want. Why is your thread titled, "to forgive a cheater"?

 

 

 

so he technically didnt cheat, but he did in a sense of we were planning how we could work on our relationship and saying i love you ..i miss you, etc.

 

If you want to reconcile with a dog, that is your choice.

[NiceGirlsFinishLast]

Ok he says he hates and never will forgive himself for having sex with this girl while we were broken up, BUT now he says it wasn't cheating since we weren't together.

 

We were however talking about reconciling.

 

My question is:

 

Is it not cheating because we were definitely broken up

OR

Is it cheating because it had only been 2 weeks since we split and we were planning on getting back together?

[Ramrod]

Let me get this str8, he needed to have sex with her again to make sure it was weird, awkward and didn't feel right, that's what he said right?

 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOkay, my question is did it pass muster with you?

 

Because to me that EXCUSE is about as f***ed-up as a soup sandwich.

 

I wouldn't go anywhere until this boy get his gear wrapped and packed.

 

Let him twist in the wind for a while before you cut him down. It'll do him some good.

[norajane]

Ok he says he hates and never will forgive himself for having sex with this girl while we were broken up, BUT now he says it wasn't cheating since we weren't together.

 

We were however talking about reconciling.

 

My question is:

 

Is it not cheating because we were definitely broken up

OR

Is it cheating because it had only been 2 weeks since we split and we were planning on getting back together?

 

Who cares what he calls it? Or what you call it? Would you feel more hurt if we said it was cheating? Will it be any easier for you to get those images out of your head if we said it wasn't cheating?

 

What he did hurt you, period. Cheating or not, it hurt. And any guy who has sex with someone else while supposedly begging you to take him back doesn't care enough about you to be worth the massive effort it would take for you to forgive and move on.

 

The trust is broken, he's a selfish prick who wanted to f*ck that girl, twice - you can't go back to the way things were.

 

Time to move on. He's not the ONLY guy in the world. You can find someone to be with who won't hurt you like this and then argue with you about semantics.

[norajane]

Let me get this str8, he needed to have sex with her again to make sure it was weird, awkward and didn't feel right, that's what he said right?

 

Exactly. The first time he f*cked her and had an orgasm it was awkward, so the ONLY thing he could do was f*ck her again and see if his second orgasm was better or worse. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

NiceGirl, I can't believe you're even listening to this guy!!

[nittanylion]

He should have wait at least 1 month before dating new people. He shows you no respect by jumping into a new relationship.

 

 

He cheated on you while you are trying to reconcile with him. There is no excuses for him. I dont think its a good idea to get back with him caused the trust has broken it.

 

 

Yes, indeed, he cheats on you without a doubt.

[NiceGirlsFinishLast]

Exactly. The first time he f*cked her and had an orgasm it was awkward, so the ONLY thing he could do was f*ck her again and see if his second orgasm was better or worse. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

NiceGirl, I can't believe you're even listening to this guy!!

 

I know....he said he felt awkward because it wasn't me, he had to wear a condom again (we were monogamous and on the pill) the girl was weird and it just felt wrong. a**hole!

 

He told me that when they did it she jumped him and then he had to go out and buy condoms before they had sex. I THINK THAT IS PLENTY OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS!

 

He said he actually couldn't keep it up well and did it the next day because he felt so awkward and weird the first time "he wanted to give it the old college try" and make sure it was really bad and not just a one time thing. OMG are you serious!??!

 

I said why do you want to be with me again and not her? his reasons? she is smothering, ridiculed his choice of pants, eats junk food 24/7, her family is all dysfunctional, she talks to other guys besides him and she is needy (she is getting out of her 3rd marriage and was dating a guy when she met my ex). Sounds to me like he only wants me because this girl is turning out to be a weirdo.

 

It's weird too because according to him and the phone records (we were on a family plan so I saw his phone calls on the account) he started talking to her a week after we broke up. This girl is really into him and wants a future....there is no way someone would break it off with another guy and want to have your babies after 2 weeks! They had to have been talking at work before we broke up.

 

He is an EPIC Bastard!

[norajane]

He is an EPIC Bastard!

Then why are you still talking with him? Cut him off. Don't let him talk you into getting back together when he's got nothing good to offer you.

I said why do you want to be with me again and not her? his reasons? she is smothering, ridiculed his choice of pants, eats junk food 24/7, her family is all dysfunctional, she talks to other guys besides him and she is needy (she is getting out of her 3rd marriage and was dating a guy when she met my ex). Sounds to me like he only wants me because this girl is turning out to be a weirdo.

Yep, he said NOTHING about why he WANTS to be with you....all that is why he NOW doesn't want to be with her. So, you're back-up girl.

 

And who cares about what HE wants? What you SHOULD be asking yourself is why should YOU be with him. Short answer: no reason at all. He has nothing to offer.

[NiceGirlsFinishLast]

There is no possible way of forgiveness. Not only did he sleep with that girl when we were talking about getting back together......twice.

 

He also started having phone sex with a girl in another state and sending back and forth dirty pics.

 

So when he is trying to apologize for sleeping with a chick he is jerking off to another one???

 

I can not believe I thought I knew this person...holy crap!

 

I asked him why? He said I left him and even though he wanted me back he didn't trust me to not leave again. So he could flirt with a girl across the country and he could even "be fu**ing a girl while he was on the phone with me and he wouldn't feel bad."

 

WOW.

 

I said Goodbye, you are twisted, have a nice life.....and every way he could possibly contact me has been cut off.

[Island Girl]

My question is:

 

Is it not cheating because we were definitely broken up

OR

Is it cheating because it had only been 2 weeks since we split and we were planning on getting back together?

 

Watch the episodes of Friends when Ross sleeps with another girl when he and Rachel had just broken up.

 

"We were on a break!"

[norajane]

There is no possible way of forgiveness. Not only did he sleep with that girl when we were talking about getting back together......twice.

 

He also started having phone sex with a girl in another state and sending back and forth dirty pics.

 

So when he is trying to apologize for sleeping with a chick he is jerking off to another one???

 

I can not believe I thought I knew this person...holy crap!

 

I asked him why? He said I left him and even though he wanted me back he didn't trust me to not leave again. So he could flirt with a girl across the country and he could even "be fu**ing a girl while he was on the phone with me and he wouldn't feel bad."

 

WOW.

 

I said Goodbye, you are twisted, have a nice life.....and every way he could possibly contact me has been cut off.

 

And there's probably more you don't know about him and what he's really like. Be grateful you won't ever have to find out, which is what would have happened if you'd taken him back.

 

Good for you for finally cutting him off.