It's my fault; she says she done; is it too late?

[Cali Chris]

Hey Radar,

 

I posted here just recently, I am in a similar situation as you. It all started with me trying to figure out why I and my wife were not intimate anymore, but it turned out that she was also done with me, and she felt our relationship was not the same. I did not pay attention to what she felt and I wasnt there for her emotionally. We are separated about 2 months now, rotating weekends , and 2 days out of the week. We still live at home, but I go when its her days to take care of the kids and vice versa. i wanted to work it out, go to counseling but she told me that she cant stay, and I told her I would work on us before but I didnt, several times. So now she said she has to work on things by herself because when I was there things didnt change. She wont go to counseling with me, she told me just Monday that she is not in love with me and that the only thing I can do now is let her go. I was still hoping, and trying to see If I could do anything, but I realise now that I just have to let her go. Period. Try and move on. If it works it will and if not, then that was just what it was meant to be.

 

I also snooped, I found out she was texting a married coworker about a 100 times a day on average. She said they are just friends but, I know down inside, he is the one there for her emotionally. So I move on..

 

Good luck, hope things turn out well. Keep posting, there is good insight and help here even if your just listening

[n9688m]

I don't want all the men who come here looking for help to think that all women leave because its another man.

 

The "walkaway wives" do in fact all leave due to adultery. In the 8 months of so I have been reading this Forum I have not seen any exception to that rule. I am sure the OP will find out his wife had an affair too and he will keep the perfect record.

 

As for your situation, that's totally different. His cheating is reason enough for you to leave, not to mention the other items you described. That's very different from the "surprise" situation described by the OP here where the worst thing he is acused of is not connecting with her enough.

 

I'd bet my net worth (whatever my STBXW doesn't get :-)

that the OP in this thread is the latest walkaway wife affair casualty.

[OneFootOut]

The "walkaway wives" do in fact all leave due to adultery. In the 8 months of so I have been reading this Forum I have not seen any exception to that rule. I am sure the OP will find out his wife had an affair too and he will keep the perfect record.

 

As for your situation, that's totally different. His cheating is reason enough for you to leave, not to mention the other items you described. That's very different from the "surprise" situation described by the OP here where the worst thing he is acused of is not connecting with her enough.

 

I'd bet my net worth (whatever my STBXW doesn't get :-)

that the OP in this thread is the latest walkaway wife affair casualty.

 

You know, not every woman out there cheats or leaves for another man. Why is that so hard to comprehend? Someone said before.. she is leaving for herself.. or something to that effect, and that is the same way I am feeling.

 

I don't want my marriage to end, but at the same time, I don't want to stay in it as miserable and lonely and worthless as I feel, and have felt for many years while trying so hard to make him understand things need to change. I can't keep living like this.

 

There is no other man. Period. There was no other man before I met my husband. I hadn't even dated for about 8 years when I met him. If I do decide to leave FOR MYSELF, there probably won't be another man for another 8 years - if ever again! I want to be happy. I want to feel valuable and alive. My husband has been so distant and removed for so long now that there's nothing left between us. It's sad and frustrating, but that's how it is.

 

So no, don't assume there is ALWAYS another man, or some well laid plan, especially if you were being warned all that time and she was telling you how she felt and asking you to help fix it before it was too late. Women need companionship, and connection on a personal level from their mates. After so long without that, or after so long fighting for it with no results, we just get tired and give up. When that love and passion dies inside us women... it's a hard hard thing to revive. I don't even know if it can be brought back to life, I'm still working on that in my own situation.

[peteyj]

I just don't buy the whole "leaving to be with myself" theory. Yeah maybe 1% of the time this actually happens but from my experience in everybody I've known and talked to over the years, people leave cause they aren't being faithful or sometimes they leave cause they met somebody but haven't actually gone through with anything yet.

 

If a spouse is abusive, violent, drunk, never around, a cheater and so on then I can see somebody just up and leaving. But many times there are two sides to every story.

 

There are plenty of mothers who spend all their time with the kids while the husbands spend all their time working. Both might feel neglected. Sometimes there are super dads or super moms who want the kids, the house, the career, the money, and everything else. Something has to suffer in the process. A wife who wants attention but isn't around for the husband when he needs her is leaving because of what? They want to find themselves? Yeah right. A husband is leaving his wife because she's always busy with the kids? Yeah right. More like both people are having affairs.

 

Most things aren't just black and white. Sometimes kids change a relationship. Sometimes one person gets too involved with their careers. And sometimes there just isn't enough time in the day for everybody.

 

 

Relationships aren't easy. People need to work at them. It seems everybody wants the easy way out these days. It costs a lot of money to live, to raise kids. Yeah some people are a-holes. Some people are abusive. But a lot of people are just struggling to survive. I think people need to be realistic about things. You can't spend 100 percent of your time with your spouse if you both have careers and have kids. THe above poster seemed to spend 3 weeks of his time with his spouse and then things went back to normal. Yeah he could stop going out with his buddies, but most people can't stop working. Not everybody has trust funds.

 

If you have kids and both are working, then the reality is both of you are probably struggling to spend time with one another. One person stating the other is never around probably isn't telling the whole story.

 

"Needing to find oneself" 99 percent of the time means "sleeping with somebody else."

[Ramrod]

I'm sorry about everything your going through, sadly, some of the most important lessons we learn about relationships comes too late and at too high a price. I know very little about women myself, and I understand it's not a certainty, but there is a very high probability there is another man involved. The whole set-up when she told you smacked of a woman who had finally been painted into a corner and needed to tell you in order to be faithful to her new beau. I wish you had wisened up sooner, you sound like a guy who gets it finally, it is all about family. I'm no genius myself, I took a woman for granted to once, took more than I gave, she was wise enough to leave me, it haunts me every night before I go to bed that I completely missed out on sharing her love for a lifetime. Good luck, keep posting, this is a great community, the members here with experience can help guide you through the process and aid you in healing.

[radar]

Update on the situation....we are now separted in terms of houses. I gave my wife my login and password for this site, so that there was no secrets as to what I was doing or writing. We have always have and will have an open relationship between us.

 

If she was having an affair, she would come out and tell me. That is how we are with each other. I am 120% confident that there is nothing on the side. It is a matter of trust between two people and I still trust her 120%.

 

I have read all the responses and comments to my situation. I appreciate all of them. I will say that I am watching all my friends and completely telling them my mistakes as to not let them fall into the place where I am at as I do not want anyone to go through the pain I have experienced the last two weeks. And I feel absolutely horrible and can not imagine the kind of pain that she must have gone through the last 2 years without any kind of support whatsoever from ANYONE!

 

Right now, she has her life and I have mine. We are two individuals with one common goal and that is making sure our kids are safe and taken care of. What happens in the future, no one knows. All anyone can do is wake up every morning and live that day for all it is worth.

 

Thanks again all. I hope my story can open other guys minds as to what they are doing to their loved one before it is too late. DON'T BE STUPID GUYS, WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ONE YOU LOVE. DON'T BE ME!

[n9688m]

So no, don't assume there is ALWAYS another man, or some well laid plan, especially if you were being warned all that time and she was telling you how she felt and asking you to help fix it before it was too late.

 

A common problem seems to be that women feel they were "warning" mean but the men were not mindreaders and did not understand the warnings.

 

It seems to me that at a minimum a wife ought to seek counseling with her husband at some point before making the decision to divorce.

 

I suspect based upon my situation and numerous other described here that the reason all this occurs is that in fact these "walkaway" wives realize the true issue is that they married the wrong man or married for the wrong reason. Counseling or "warnings" can only work to correct behavioral issues. If a woman intrinsically married the wrong person or married someone hoping to "fix" some intrinsic incompatibility, then the problem is indeed irreconcilable. But in that case the problem is not that the husband failed to listen - the problem is that fundamentally the wife originally married the wrong man. All else is just rationalization.

 

Again your situation seems totally different - your justifications, including adultery by your husband, is a very different situation from a walkaway wife.

[n9688m]

If she was having an affair, she would come out and tell me. That is how we are with each other. I am 120% confident that there is nothing on the side. It is a matter of trust between two people and I still trust her 120%.

 

Did she give you her email passwords?

 

Did you check her phone records?

 

You might be quite naive.

 

 

DON'T BE STUPID GUYS, WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ONE YOU LOVE. DON'T BE ME!

 

She sure has you buying her story. If you search deeper you will likely be back someday with a very diffferent story.

 

I would be money that after the divorce is final a new man suddenly appears out of the woodwork, and I would bet money that you will find the relationship began a lot earlier than you thought. The stories of huge numbers of other men support that view. The version of events that you currently believe would be highly unusual based upon the experiences of other mean.

[husbndinthemaking]

Update on the situation....we are now separted in terms of houses. I gave my wife my login and password for this site, so that there was no secrets as to what I was doing or writing. We have always have and will have an open relationship between us.

 

If she was having an affair, she would come out and tell me. That is how we are with each other. I am 120% confident that there is nothing on the side. It is a matter of trust between two people and I still trust her 120%.

 

I have read all the responses and comments to my situation. I appreciate all of them. I will say that I am watching all my friends and completely telling them my mistakes as to not let them fall into the place where I am at as I do not want anyone to go through the pain I have experienced the last two weeks. And I feel absolutely horrible and can not imagine the kind of pain that she must have gone through the last 2 years without any kind of support whatsoever from ANYONE!

 

Right now, she has her life and I have mine. We are two individuals with one common goal and that is making sure our kids are safe and taken care of. What happens in the future, no one knows. All anyone can do is wake up every morning and live that day for all it is worth.

 

Thanks again all. I hope my story can open other guys minds as to what they are doing to their loved one before it is too late. DON'T BE STUPID GUYS, WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ONE YOU LOVE. DON'T BE ME!

 

 

I did just that. I woke up and relaized that I am MARRIED. And that my wife is not a verbal whipping post. I am still learning, but we are happy again and things are going well.

[overseas2004]

well my husband does this to me too and I asked him to move out and I also feel very done. But if he were to change... really change.... then I would stay and try to work it out because of my kids.

[husbndinthemaking]

well my husband does this to me too and I asked him to move out and I also feel very done. But if he were to change... really change.... then I would stay and try to work it out because of my kids.

 

The funny thing is, it is difficult to get someone to change like that. They usually get hurt because of pride. Then they get defensive and mad at you for bringing it up.

 

I know a couple going through the same exact thing. Problem is they both cheat on each other. Yes. It's true. The girl wants to stop cheating and get your husband to talk. He just blows her off and calls her crazy.

 

Needless to say, this is a VERY dangerous way to go considering the diseases out there and psychopaths.