Superloser Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I have a problem. First, here are some basics: Me: 36-year-old female Been on one date in my life, set up by a relative; he was too weird even for me. He could flip his eyes up in to his head when talking (when he wasn't too scared to talk!). Ugly but not the ugliest person on the planet. 5'7", green eyes, 140 pounds, light brown hair. Basically no friends. Tons of animals (my raison d'etre) Highly educated, high IQ Die hard democrat Hates smokers (a lot!) Him: 23-year-old male but an old soul Has had many girlfriends and just broke up with his most recent one because she was stupid. He couldn't have educated conversations with her. Cute 5'6" I think, about 200 pounds I'm guessing, really short brown hair. He all of a sudden wants to lose weight. Lots of friends. Three animals. Educated, high IQ (about the same as me) Staunch republican who thinks global warming is a conspiracy (I really tried to use that one to stop thinking about him!) Smokes (just a few times a day) but trying to quit. We met last summer. He is my right hand man at work. I've had assistants before but none were competent enough to actually take over some of my work. He is, and I had to learn to trust him. I trust few people so that was hard. We talk about all sorts of things. We make each other laugh a lot. When he walks past me, he'll lift his eye brows or smirk. Sometimes we lock eyes for a few seconds beyond what we should. We flirt but have never touched. Here's the problem. I'm starved for love so I read more in to things than I should. Just when I know I'm imagining a connection between us, he'll give me one of his looks, and I melt. But, I'm a realist. He can't possibly be attracted to me. I'll see him laugh with the black lady who's 10 years older than I so that's maybe just the way he is. I've imagined being with men before but never before have my emotional and sexual desires been so intense. I can't concentrate on much of anything else for months now. I know he doesn't really like me that way, that there's too large of an age difference, that I could never tolerate a smoker, that I can't stand most of his political views, and so on but I can't stop wanting him. So, how in the world do I break my obsession? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 There is only ONE way to find out... ask him out.. tell him that you want sex with him badly.. I'm quite sure he won't refuse that offer.. From what I read.. all you want is a hot 'session'... I'm sure you can get that with that young hunk... come on.. life is too short... If you wait for everybody else to 'combler' your wishes.. you might end up waiting all your life.. Maybe he fantasizes about you too.. hot sex with the boss.. yooohooo.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superloser Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 Are you nuts? Jeez, I want more than just sex! I want a husband and children but am now too old (not that I ever had a single offer even for a date in my life). I've asked guys out before, and, everytime, they were repulsed. Me: Hey, what's say you and I get together this weekend and have sex? Him: Are you nuts? I'm going to file sexual harassment against you, and I quit. Me: But, I'm tired of being a virgin. Don't you want sex? Him: Not with you! Not if you were the only female on the planet! You're repulsively hideous! Best case scenario - I lose him. Worse case - I lose him and my job. He's been cute flirting with the old black lady more. Both she and the 60 year old stinky Thai guy have physically touched him (pat on back, hand exam (his arm was hurting), that sort of thing). I've never touched him although I probably did shake hands when he came for the interview. Nobody touches me except my 3-year-old neice and my animals. People think I'm diseased just because I'm ugly. At least I don't stink. I don't catch him looking at me at all unless I look at him, and he sees that. He's been texting like mad too, probably hooking up with a new girl. I need to know how to focus on reality and not on the impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
doomed Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 First of all, 36 isn't too old to have kids. Granted, you might run into problems getting pg, but kids are born to moms older than this all the time... Maybe more importantly, if you have a career here, do not ever get involved with an employee. If you don't really care about your job as a career then things change. If you tell/ask him "I'm attracted to you, would you like to go out for a drink ? " ONE TIME then its not sexual harassment. AFAIK, sexual harassment involves repeated and unwelcome behavior. You can't know its unwelcome until he says so. I've seen a lot of ugly women with ok looking husbands. Are you sure your self-esteem isn't beating you to death and not reality ? doomed Link to post Share on other sites
CandyGirlXO Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I've seen a lot of ugly women with ok looking husbands. Are you sure your self-esteem isn't beating you to death and not reality ? Samehere! Some of the most unattractive females I know are married, and the most attractive....single. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I seriously doubt you're "ugly", but I can tell you that your opinion of yourself sends signals out to men. Hey, I was a virgin until I was 35. I wrote the book on love-starved. What do you want to know? Assuming workplace romance is OK in your profession and business, tell me how you've flirted with this young man. Be specific. If you can disconnect and/or diminish your emotional investment, you can learn a lot by practicing on him, regardless of how he responds. Who knows, someone else might observe and become interested in you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superloser Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 So, how did you get past your dry spell? Did you make a move on a girl, or did she? Where did you meet? It's easier for guys. I feel like my co-worker and I are flirting. Only once in my life have I felt that before (one sided) when a guy at a two-day class for work years ago kept looking at me. It didn't make me feel comfortable as he was a total stranger, and I never talked to him. Here is how we flirt: 1. When we lock eyes, neither of us can keep a straight face ever. He'll lift his eyebrows, smirk, or laugh. No matter how I'm feeling, I usually break a smile. Now, if you knew me, you'd know I rarely smile. He makes me. He does seem to have similar interactions with my other female co-workers though so I'm reading more in to it. 2. When we talk about non-work topics, we really listen to each other even though we don't always agree. We agree about more than you'd think. For example, when I said most people shouldn't have children (we were talking about overpopulation and such and smart people not having many if any kids), he said, "Thank you." 3. We have never touched; I get way overheated when I get close to him; he doesn't seem to mind either way if I'm near him. He does touch my co-workers though. The only human who touches me is my niece. I feel like people think I'm diseased. 4. We say stupid things to each other. Today, I said (because he and another worker were doing my work, and I was bored), "I feel like a mother who has taught her kids what to do and now can die." He said, "That's okay." I said, "Gee, thanks" while laughing. He is NOT seeking me out, not trying to spend more time near me than my co-workers. I glance at him a lot and never catch him doing that. I KNOW he doesn't want me but I can't stop thinking about him. The only time the immense pressure in my head subsides is when we talk. He makes me feel human. Most people don't give me the time of day. In 8th grade, a guy talked to me so I fell hard for him. My brother and friends said he must be gay if he liked me. It took me until our 10th high school reunion to realize that they were right. I finally stopped thinking about him daily. The thing is, I'm an intellectual. Physical attraction has never been intense for me; I always thought it was gross. But, God, I just want to grab him and kiss him. Mid-life crisis? How do I stop being nuts? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 OK, you're next assignment is to touch him. Ever since I shaved my head, women seem to like to handle it. Even those who have known me for years, like friends and friend's wives. They're not flirting with me, but maybe feeling a bit like you do. Pent-up sexual energy getting out. I just happened to be nearby. So, being that you all are single, just let it out. Forget about what you think you see in the mirror and live outside yourself for a day. Let us know how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
citizen67 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Super - I gotta tell you, I used to work with this woman who I thought was hideous looking, really just awful. She showed me a picture of her husband . . . and he was cute! Not gorgeous, but a sorta nice looking guy! And not only did she just not naturally possess good looks, but she dressed horribly - she wore outfits to work, which I would not wear alone at home - they looked like she was wearing a garbage bag that she poked a two holes in for her arms. They had a few kids and I pray they look like him. And I have a neighbor who has a nice enough face, but an OMG crazy giant butt - it's just not normal I tell you - her boyfriend? A bona fide hottie. Tall, nice face, pretty good body. Plus he seems nice! So don't assume you are un%^$#able Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superloser Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Well, it's over for sure. It being any hopes I had of being anything more than a co-worker with my co-worker. I did some work where I could hear him talking to the black lady. She was advising him on what kind of a text messages to send to a girl that he really likes. He is all exciting about this new pairing up and already has a Valentine's date with her lined up. I cried at my desk just now (nobody saw, after all, who would believe that that thing had feelings). When he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was stupid, he said, "All women are evil." I asked, "So, are you saying that I'm evil, or I'm not a woman?" I think he picked the second choice. I get it; nobody has or ever will like me. I KNEW that. I had totally resigned myself to being 100% alone. So, why the hell did I fall for this guy? I really am a total imbecile. I'm ugly inside and out. So, what can I do to have a worthwhile life alone? Since I'm alone, I can't have dates, can't travel or have vacations, etc. My animals and TV shows can only satiate my many needs so much. The problem is that nobody gives a damn about me. I try; I really do. My co-worker does like me but not like that. Oops, he just gave me a paper so I had to reduce this. Anyway, I get to spend my 36th Valentine's Day without. You guys don't know how lucky you are! I've NEVER had a date, NEVER gotten a present from a guy including flowers or a card or anything, NEVER had a real vacation, NEVER been kissed (other than on the cheek by relatives and a stinky neighbor when I was a kid), and you know the rest. If you have an empty stomach, you can see these photos of me: http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww181/Fishy1972/me11.jpg http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww181/Fishy1972/me14.jpg http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww181/Fishy1972/me6.jpg Link to post Share on other sites
doomed Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Ya. I thought so. You have a lousy self-image, but you are not ugly at all. Based on those photos I can't go any uglier than plain. Let me tell you, there's tons of guys that would rather have plain than a super looker who's ugly on the inside. That glamor shot shows that you have plenty to work with, so start working with it. doomed Link to post Share on other sites
nama Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Hi S, I was just flicking through this post and I had to have a look at your pictures after the way you were describing yourself. The way you were describing yourself I was looking to find a photo for an oversized woman with big large features and masculine looking!!! You are NOT ugly. What you do need to do is just present yourself better. By this I mean your confidence (confidence always shines through) and spruce yourself up a little. Wear a little make up, do something with your hair. You have pretty eyes. I used to think I was ugly too. One day I decided that that was enough. I lost some weight, got a haircut, wore make-up and now I look pretty damn good if I may say so myself! It did wonders for my confidence! Have faith in yourself. Good luck. N x Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 I'm going with what doomed has said but first, if you are working with this man you must keep your personal and professional life seperate and what until an appropriate time for the two of you to communicate more on the personal level. Improve the things that you can about yourself, otherwise just be you. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 This thread makes me very sad. I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry guys suck. It pains me to read that you've never gotten a taste of the love and companionship that everybody deserves. You're obviously a sweet woman. The world is unjust. I don't think you're ugly. I was expecting a veritable beast after reading your post! You could improve your appearance a lot by changing the way you present yourself. Get contacts, dress in more contemporary clothing, dye and style your hair and try wearing a little makeup. Also, maybe lose ten pounds. Do you have any female friends btw? You sound pretty lonely in general. One more thing: have you tried therapy to improve your confidence? Link to post Share on other sites
CandyGirlXO Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 If you have an empty stomach, you can see these photos of me: http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww181/Fishy1972/me11.jpg http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww181/Fishy1972/me14.jpg http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww181/Fishy1972/me6.jpg WOW!! I was also expecting something completely different. You ARE NOT ugly by any means. You are actually quite cute, and now I am confused as to why you have never even had a kiss or anything from a guy. Do you live in a small town or something? I was expecting someone very obese, with a horrible face. But you actually have a cute face and a decent body, not obese at all. Have you tried dating websites? I think this co-worker of yours is just too young. He is 23, so he is probably going to want to date someone in his age range. But you can definately find a decent looking man who is your age. I know tons of women who do not even compare to you, and they are all married. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are obviously smart and successful. I agree with the above posters, do something with your hair and wear some make-up. Also the gym will help you feel better about yourself and get you into shape. Also I would try contacts. I wear them everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
Ramrod Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Good grief woman, there are many men who would fall in love with you sight unseen here on the internet. You have alot going for yourself. Please do not put much stock in looks, they can be enhanced or diminished by personality and attitude. You look absolutely fine to me. I would date you in a hot second. The guy you work with sounds like dillweed, try fishing another pond. Please, please do not be so hard on yourself, your the only person responsible for your happiness, if your unhappy, it's your fault my dear. Create a singles profile and start interviewing prospects. Be yourself, in no time flat I gaurantee you Mr. Conspiracy Theories will be a distant memory. I can't speak for every man, but intelligence, strength and independence are my top three criteria, and a sense of humor, but then, intelligence infers that to some degree, doesn't it? Cast your bread upon the water darling, you will have bites before it has a chance to turn soggy. Oh, NEVER EVER SETTLE!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ramrod Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 i KNOW i MISPELLED GUARANTEE, CUT ME SOME SLACK! Link to post Share on other sites
imani Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Well, it's over for sure. It being any hopes I had of being anything more than a co-worker with my co-worker. I did some work where I could hear him talking to the black lady. She was advising him on what kind of a text messages to send to a girl that he really likes. He is all exciting about this new pairing up and already has a Valentine's date with her lined up. I cried at my desk just now (nobody saw, after all, who would believe that that thing had feelings). When he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was stupid, he said, "All women are evil." I asked, "So, are you saying that I'm evil, or I'm not a woman?" I think he picked the second choice. I get it; nobody has or ever will like me. I KNEW that. I had totally resigned myself to being 100% alone. So, why the hell did I fall for this guy? I really am a total imbecile. I'm ugly inside and out. So, what can I do to have a worthwhile life alone? Since I'm alone, I can't have dates, can't travel or have vacations, etc. My animals and TV shows can only satiate my many needs so much. The problem is that nobody gives a damn about me. I try; I really do. My co-worker does like me but not like that. Oops, he just gave me a paper so I had to reduce this. Anyway, I get to spend my 36th Valentine's Day without. You guys don't know how lucky you are! I've NEVER had a date, NEVER gotten a present from a guy including flowers or a card or anything, NEVER had a real vacation, NEVER been kissed (other than on the cheek by relatives and a stinky neighbor when I was a kid), and you know the rest. If you have an empty stomach, you can see these photos of me: http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww181/Fishy1972/me11.jpg http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww181/Fishy1972/me14.jpg http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww181/Fishy1972/me6.jpg Awh, baby girl. I want to give you a big hug. You are far from atrocious. That glamour shot, as someone else has even said, totally shows that you've got something to work with. You remind me of some of my friends who have fabulous long legs and never show them unless they "need" to. You also crack me up with your facial expressions in the first two pictures. It reminds me of times when coworkers would bring in their little kids and "force" them on other coworkers to hold. And we would do so...reluctantly. But still... you're not some ugly beast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superloser Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 You guys are so funny! First off, I've worn makeup on occasion. In fact, I wore it every day in the last few years of high school. Yet, never a flirtation did I receive. When I'd go to a school function with my mother, the boys my age would flirt with her but never me. Mom used to be pretty sluty! In fact, I think she slept with half the local population! I am in a heavily populated area. I don't drink or smoke so I never went to bars. I had friends in high school but none continued contact beyond a year of graduation. I am friendly with my co-workers but, if I needed help (car flat, emergency, whatever), I would only be able to rely on immediate family. I don't know why you guys thought I was fat; I told you I was 140 pounds (down to 138). So, I'm only 10-15 pounds over ideal. I've seen obese ladies with hunky guys. It's my face that repulses men. I really don't want to put on a foot of makeup, frizz up my hair, dress like a slut, and pick up some drunk man for a one night stand. That's not me. I want someone to really like/love me. If someone likes me when I'm in disguise, and then sees the real me, they'll run for the hills. That's what the half dozen guys I did ask for a date when in college did, ran away FAST! I'm okay guys now. I'm back to my old self. I'm alone; I know it; I accept it. I need to concentrate on work, my animals, and so on. My niece has told me that she loves me, and that will have to do! She's also called my mommy many times (her real mommy is horrid). So, at least I got a taste of being a mother. I never thought I would miss that. When she has a tantrum, I don't! It would have been nice to be kissed just once in my life by a man but I've got a lot to be thankful for. I have everything I want/need except someone to share it with. My co-worker I was hot for keeps talking to me, and we're laughing right now. Get back to work! I've stopped obsessing about him which is a relief. Also, I've been doing half a dozen on-line dating sites for a decade! I've sent messages to guys via the internet. I used glamour shots for most of those (which are a lie of who I am). The best offer I've ever gotten was a 60 year old man who asked me to come up to his cabin! I said no. Dang! ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 If it didn't matter, you wouldn't have taken the time to post, right? FWIW, having friends isn't a function of attractiveness; it's a function of your love for others and acceptance of their love, combined with shared interests and philosophies of life. I'll throw out an interesting dynamic from my life which just happened yesterday. My wife and I aren't getting on too well so I helped buy her a house of "her own". Yesterday was moving day. Wife had clients so worked. I borrowed a moving truck from the female friend who I've had and on and off infatuation/friendship/love affair for 25 years to move the stuff and my best friend, who's older than me (I'm about 50 now) spent a good six hours helping me schlep the worldly goods of my wife to her new house, this after spending six hours prior in meetings with his accountant and lawyer regarding ongoing operations of his business. We ended the day (late) drinking beer and eating pizza which my wife brought "home". The purpose of this example is not to impress you. Trust me, I'm not impressive. It's to help you understand that such bonds don't happen magically; they take years of building trust and sharing the good and the bad of each other's lives. It's real simple.... to make friends (and this applies to romance too) you have to be a friend. It's healthy to have boundaries to protect yourself, but giving of yourself, living outside yourself and seeing others as people just like yourself (not better or worse) is primary to establishing long-lived healthy relationships. Accept your "faults" and acknowledge that others have faults too. So, with that said, is there anything you want to know here? Any advice sought? Happy to help Link to post Share on other sites
citizen67 Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 Super - You are not ugly at all - I think you are cute in the 2nd picture. It must be obvious to you that dogging on yourself like that doesnt hepl right? I mean where has it gotten you so far? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 OP, great example, though not about physicality, of insecurities. Every time, and I mean every time, that I challenge my wife on anything, the response is "I feel like I can't do anything right." "You're always criticizing me". "OK, hon, when you burn the house down, I'll get my recliner out and enjoy the warmth of the fire" Seriously, it gets really old blowing sunshine up someone's ass to assuage their insecurities. That's what I'm hearing from you about your physicality. I'm going to give you some tough love advice. Get over it. Life is short. Shorter than you think and you've already lived a lot of it. There's only one person in this world you can change and that's you. I hope that mirror speaks to you Link to post Share on other sites
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