What does she want after 4 month? (..womans prespective would help too)

[KissTheRain]

What does she want? Sorry if this is a long read.

 

My ex left me about 4 months ago, and it was a rollercoster ride since then for me. More on that can be read here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=170442

 

After a lot of begging pleading and a lot of stupid things I tried to go NC and was doing so. Then I last met her Jan 17th we met randomly in a bar and then she called me and we hung out that evening. After that we didn't make any plans on meeting and went separate ways. (I can't get in touch with her as she has changed her number.) I would simply drive off to a neighbouring city where I had more friends and would spend my weekends there so I have no chance of bumping into her.

 

Then called me on my birthday 28th to wish me first early in the morning, I wans't in a mood to talk to her for obvious reasons so I simply told her thanks and I was sleeping. Then she called again in the evening and spoke for a while and we chatted. I tried to be as normal as I could she said she would call again, but I couldn't have her number. I didnt care much and said ok, I didnt expect any call or anything in return.

 

I was again away for the weekend and on Monday when I got back I sent her an email asking her how she was and stuff and that I still missed her. To my surprse when I got home there was a reply, saying that she is still not over me either, she had been out all weekends and people have been asking her about me, and she too has been missing me, that she would like to meet me asap. She said she missed our home and would like to visit, she wanted to meet the pets and stuff and she seemed interested in meeting me. Then she met me online on Gtalk and told me the same, and asked me if I could come and see her or would I rather smoke and sleep than meet her like before, she told me she knows my gym is closed today and I was free so I could come and see her. I was quite amazed how her feelings had changed or resurfaced I was wondering was she drunk or something. I told her I was busy and that she could call me in a few hours and we could make a plan or something. When she called we decided to meet the next day, and she would call me decide, I thought this was better as I would know if she still felt the same the next day and that is wasn't her moment of weakness.

 

She called yesterday then as she had promised from her roommates phone (wont give me her number). She asked me if I could copy her a Cd?? and she would come by to collect it and then she could see the cat the fish and meet me as well??? I was like what the hell there are a zillion things I would rather discuss than a stupid movie cd??

Was she making an excuse for her roommate or her Mom I dont know, but to it sounded very silly. Anyway I again was out at a friends place, and told her the same and asked her to call me after an hour, as thats when I plan to be around where she was. She said she would do that. She called me in an hour or so again from an payfone, I told her I was still busy and that if she wanted we could meet today, and told her she could call me earlier so that I dont make any plan for the evening then. She promised to call me early today. I am still not sure if she would call or what she has in mind.

 

I am posting here as I feel I am still really weak, I miss her a lot and would want things back, but I dont know what she wants. I dont know if she wants to just come by to see if things are ok with me, or to see what she feels for me or I dont know what. Can someone please help me out here..Please. A woman's perspective would be nice.

What should I do? My friends tell me not to even meet her as she is just using me when she is having her moment of weakness. What is she thinking? What does she want? Why is she trying to get in touch again? She has already hurt me a lot and she knows that and she also knows meeting me would make me feel as though she wants it back when she has made it very clear to me and the world she doesn't? She doesn't even give me her number but says she misses me? Is she crazy? I know she has other guys calling her on the number she has even told me so before, then she not to me? I know she is out partying with them too so now why get in touch with me?

[Geishawhelk]

What should I do? My friends tell me not to even meet her as she is just using me when she is having her moment of weakness.

 

Oooh no. It's not weakness, far from it....

 

What is she thinking? What does she want? Why is she trying to get in touch again? She has already hurt me a lot and she knows that and she also knows meeting me would make me feel as though she wants it back when she has made it very clear to me and the world she doesn't? She doesn't even give me her number but says she misses me? Is she crazy? I know she has other guys calling her on the number she has even told me so before, then she not to me? I know she is out partying with them too so now why get in touch with me?

 

because she's doing several things.

 

ONE: She's assuaging her guilt for having dumped you.

All this contact is NOT FOR YOUR BENEFIT.

It's for hers.

She's making herself feel less guilty by being nice to you and making sure you're not mad at her, because that would make her feel even more guilty.

This is all for her. Not you.

It's all been on her terms, right?

She wants stuff from you, right?

She won't give you her number, right?

 

Does that sound as if any of it is for your own good?

 

No.

Exactly.

 

TWO: She's friend-zoning you.

Lining you up to become ol' Mr. Reliable.

Ol' Mr. "When the going gets tough I can lean on you to bail me out and make me feel better, because you love me."

She doesn't love you, but because she knows haow you feel about her, she knows she can do this to you.

 

THREE: She's yanking your chain and feeding you breadcrumbs.

And you are just lapping it up.

You are the "Odie" to her "Garfield".

 

Cure?

Well, you know the cure.

You have to never, ever contact her again.

Cut it all off at the knees, and make sure she doesn't get through to you either.

In any way shape or form.

Block her number on your mobile.

If you can't - then do this:

 

Type the following text and save it in your drafts.

 

"The number you are calling has blocked your access. You may no longer text or call this number."

If she sends you a text, delete it, but reply witrh the above.

 

Change her name to "Do not acknowlege!" and the minute your 'phone rings, answer and then hang up immediately.

 

if she leaves a message on your VM, just delete it.

 

Don't access Myspace, Facebook or anything else she might be doing on her PC.

Delete her address from your e-mail and block any incoming e-mails.

In fact, if you can do it, open up a second or different account, and stop using the one she knows. Advise all your friends.... but not her.

 

I hope this helps.

 

I don't think I could have made it any clearer.

[KissTheRain]

Whow, thanks Giesha that was a harsh reply, but I somehow knew it would be something on those lines.

 

Well anyhow she didn't even call so in a way it was good.

I am sorry I cant block her number cause she calls me from random numbers so that I dont have her number.

 

And about removing her from Facebook etc I have already done that long ago, I have left my email address the same, and no I havent blocked her from my googleTalk I just dont have the heart to yet, but I know I should.

 

Why do the mind and the heart always tell 2 different stories to me?

If she wanted to meet me she would have called for sure, I know she had the time, and she is not as busy she she seems. Why would she call me and tell me she missed me etc when she wanted to have nothing to do with me? Why would she care if she had me under her thumb or no when she doesnt want me?

 

The 2 days I was doing my thing she wanted to meet me, and then when I take time out for her, she doesn't call? WTF. is wrong with her? Confused? or just way to smart for me..?

[Geishawhelk]

......I havent blocked her from my googleTalk I just dont have the heart to yet, but I know I should.

Well then just do it.

It's to save your heart, not hers.

 

Why do the mind and the heart always tell 2 different stories to me?

They don't. You just think they do.

You read them that way.

In truth, they're both telling you to quit lapping it up. But somehow, your Ego thinks you need to keep going. Some bad attention is better than none at all.

 

....Why would she call me and tell me she missed me etc when she wanted to have nothing to do with me? Why would she care if she had me under her thumb or no when she doesnt want me?

The 2 days I was doing my thing she wanted to meet me, and then when I take time out for her, she doesn't call? WTF. is wrong with her? Confused? or just way to smart for me..?

 

You know why.

I already told you why. Read my post again......Points #1, 2 & 3.....

 

OK?

[KissTheRain]

OK an update,

She again got in touch with me, and asked me to come by to the cafe to meet her. But something strange happened to me today I dont know what but while driving to the cafe, I kept asking myself why am I going there when she really didnot even seem interested in meeting? What is in it for me? What will I gain? as you put it? And I didnt have an answer to myself, the only answer was that I will get more hurt by whatever she tells me, she is not going to say she wants me back she didnt even make an effort and nor does she give me her number, and really I thought to myself I am worth a lot more than that. Really she is not being fair to me. She is the one who left me, and really I am not guilty of anything, why should I ask her for her time when she shows no interest? Its not Ego but it is some pride I have in myself.

 

So just before reaching the cafe I called up a friend and kept talking to her instead, and simply went for a long drive and then drove back home. I didnot stop at the cafe'. And for once I was proud of myself, I came home Blocked her on Facebook, and on GoogleTalk. No I am nobodys dog, and I will not feed on crumbs. I dont have her number so I cant block that. If she wants she has my number she can call, but I am sure she wont for a few months atleast, and you know it doesn't even hurt half as much as I thought it would. But today I am stronger and for that I am happier too.

 

Thanks

[Geishawhelk]

Roundoffeckinplause!!

 

Good!

If she rings, try to not answer....

I know it sounds mean - I know it does, really - but the moment you realise it's her, hang up.

keep hanging up until she resorts to the text.

Then just delete that as well.

 

Jeesh, you see how strong you are - ?? You see - ?!?

 

And does it not feel truly amazing when you realise finally "I can do this!" - ??

[Joker77]

OK an update,

She again got in touch with me, and asked me to come by to the cafe to meet her. But something strange happened to me today I dont know what but while driving to the cafe, I kept asking myself why am I going there when she really didnot even seem interested in meeting? What is in it for me? What will I gain? as you put it? And I didnt have an answer to myself, the only answer was that I will get more hurt by whatever she tells me, she is not going to say she wants me back she didnt even make an effort and nor does she give me her number, and really I thought to myself I am worth a lot more than that. Really she is not being fair to me. She is the one who left me, and really I am not guilty of anything, why should I ask her for her time when she shows no interest? Its not Ego but it is some pride I have in myself.

 

So just before reaching the cafe I called up a friend and kept talking to her instead, and simply went for a long drive and then drove back home. I didnot stop at the cafe'. And for once I was proud of myself, I came home Blocked her on Facebook, and on GoogleTalk. No I am nobodys dog, and I will not feed on crumbs. I dont have her number so I cant block that. If she wants she has my number she can call, but I am sure she wont for a few months atleast, and you know it doesn't even hurt half as much as I thought it would. But today I am stronger and for that I am happier too.

 

Thanks

 

Well done. This is exactly how I live my life now. I know a lot of people think it's selfish, but my mentality has become "what's in it for me?" If there's nothing to be gained from it, don't do it.

[boldjack]

Good Job, Nanu!!!! I would also continue to go to your other friends town for a few days. If you see her on the street, say hi, how's it goin, don't break stride.

[KissTheRain]

Upadte: I guess she figured that I ahve blocked her from everything, so I get an email in my inbox :

 

its okay. lets jus not meet or keep in touch. i'm fine with that. i don want u meeting me n feeling hurt or getting back to feeling old feelings so lets jus not keep in touch. btw i callled u frm the cafes phone a few times yesterday but u were busy n din answer. anyway all good wit me. i don wanna hurt u any further. lets jus hope we bump into each other later in life and then we can start afresh as friends.

take care of urself

love always

xyz

 

I am not lokoing too much into it, I have decided she is not the one for me. So why dwell any further.

[Geishawhelk]

its okay. lets jus not meet or keep in touch. i'm fine with that.

Wow.

That's mighty big of her....!

 

i don want u meeting me n feeling hurt or getting back to feeling old feelings so lets jus not keep in touch.

 

And she didn't think of this before, because........?

 

btw i callled u frm the cafes phone a few times yesterday but u were busy n din answer.

 

"Busy"....? Huh! we know different. And - trust me - so does she.

 

anyway all good wit me. i don wanna hurt u any further.

 

"Any way all good with me".... I can't believe she would think that she has any say in the matter.... it's not about waht's good with her....!

 

I don't want to hurt you any further" Thereby acknowleging that she has already hurt you. Oh well done.

 

lets jus hope we bump into each other later in life and then we can start afresh as friends.

No, let's not. Again, thinking of what she'd like....

love always

xyz

 

Love always....? is she feckin' kidding - ?!?

I am not lokoing too much into it, I have decided she is not the one for me. So why dwell any further.

 

My thoughts exactly.

[KissTheRain]

Update:

I dont know where to start really.

After her emails there were some more. We again really co-incidently met eachother on the weekend of the 7th, at a bar. She came over and spoke to me, and we got talking, and after a bit headed out to an after party together with some of my friends. We had a nice evening to begin with and we were having, but as the night went towards the end she got a bit wierded out, and got a bit mad at me for nothing, maybe a bit drunk and confused I guess I dont know. Eventually I dropped her off home and that was that. We never made plans to meet again, and left it for time. The we saw eachother at random places then over the weekend but we spoke only for a few minutes and went on our ways.

 

Then on Tuesday we exachange emails and we both decided to meet, She emailed me she missed me and the house etc. I met her at about 6pm and we did a lot of things we did together in the past. And the evening went well. We went out to dinner, She then came over we hgged and kissed a few times, and after a while she said, "we are stupid to have ever parted and not cherish eachother, we could have a blast together." to which I simply said "Well, its fine now that we can atleast spend sometime together and see where this takes us." To which she gadly agreed. We discussed a lot of things that were wrong between us and a lot of things there were right. I got a chance to hear her side, and what was lacking and she got to hear my side and where she took me wrong. Then I dropped her home at about 1am and she said she would call in a day or two and we could do it again.

 

On Thursday, we met again and had a similar evening. Drove around, went out to dinner, then went out to a lounge bar and drank a bit, sat under the moonlight for a few hours and spoke. Then went over to her her place met her Mom, chilled with them till 2am again. She tells me what she wanted for Valentines day etc and generally we have a nice evening.

 

She told me she is out for the next few days for a college trip and will meet me when she is back. I am fine with that and she goes away and comes back on this past tuesday. BUt the issue is that she doesn't go anywhere with college she goes on holiday alone, and lies to everyone including her family, and somehow I came to know about it. So ofcourse I am aware but I dont mention it to her. She emails me each of the nights from her holiday saying she misses me and stuff but pretends she is with college. Before leaving she emails me that she is on vacation and she didnt tell me as I would have neverlet her go on her own thats why she went. Ofcourse I am quite mad about this. I ought to be right.

 

On another note, when another girl called me when I was out with her her fac turned very angry and I got really questioned, where I met her, who she is and why is she calling me etc etc. She always made me feel she didnt care who I was with but last night when a girl she had on idea about called me while I was with her I could see jealousy in her which I feel she had hidden for a very long time.

 

So she gets back on Tuesday and calls me right away and wants to talk and meet, I simply tell her I am in no mood to. She emailed me on wednesday but I ignore that as well. Yesterday I could ust ignore, so i go and meet her, and I am quite mad at her at first, but after spending time, she makes me melts. And again we have a decent evening. Till now she never gave me her number after the breakup, but yesterday she took my phone and said she would never again lie to me abuot anything and saves her number on it, and says I can call her anytime. We drive around hug and kiss a bit, got some coffee, and called it an early night. She told me she did this ALONE vacation beacuse once in her life she wanted to do something crazy and this was it, to tell no one and simply disappear. I didnt know what yto say. I get home and then she calls me again before going to bed and we talk for a while...and we decide maybe we can do something together on the weekend.

 

I am not goin g to write if things are looking better or worse. I am just letting things be. Lets see where it takes us really. Any advice would be helpful.

[Geishawhelk]

You made your bed, you lie in it.

 

Just more of the same-old same-old crap.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm out of here.

[Guitarjeff]

Nanu, still her emotional tampon I see. You have been given all the advice you need, but you keep going back for more. Don't you realize that this will again cause you more pain? What else can anyone here say to you? You are simply not strong enough to keep her from hurting you.

 

You can comfot her and hug and kiss her, but no sex, I see. So she gets her sex from another guy and her comfort from you, isn't that great? You really think she was alone on that trip? You think she's not had sex since the lst time you and her did? A man will walk right in to hell with both eyes open, but even the devil can't fool a dog.

 

Nanu, why can't you simply say to her "I want a full relationship, with you moving back in and us being exclusive with each other, or I want NO CONTACT AT ALL!!" Why can't you tell her this?

[CaliGuy]

If you want to know if doing something is right, ask yourself a simple question: "Is this a win/win situation or a win/lose situation?"

 

Do you both get something (or some need met) by meeting? (win/win)

OR

Does only she get something (or some need met) out of meeting you? (win/lose)

 

If you have a red flag warning telling you something is wrong, it's probably right. She may be making little excuses to see you for a reason, but remember how she left you. You weren't good enough. Make sure you remind yourself of that before you blow the door open and let her waltz back in. At the very least, she should have to work hard to regain your trust and love.

[KissTheRain]

"I want a full relationship, with you moving back in and us being exclusive with each other, or I want NO CONTACT AT ALL!!"

 

I can't expect her to move back in, her Mom has moved to this city thats why she walked out in the first place as well. I can't demand anything right now, more over even I don't want to commit anything right now, we both realize we broke up for a reason and some issues, and we have spoken about them and discussed them, and I feel we both need to give eachother time to work on them. Before there were times when we couldn't even stand eachother, but now we are spending time together and a lot of time.

 

At first I didn't think I would reply, but anyhow. She called me yesterday (Saturday) afternoon, and then came over, we did all the things we would do like before, (She lived her so she was very much at home.), spent the whole evening together, then went out partying, came home played computer games, listened to music had sex and then laid in bed spoke till dawn, she cried a bit, she said she was really sorry and she knew she had hurt me, She said she never wanted to go back to her place and she just wanted to stay like old times. But she had to get dropped, we had morning tea, and I dropped her off. She said she would call when she would wake. I feel she would actually call.

 

Whilst partying, while introducing me to some of her new friends, she at first introduced me as her ex, and then the friend goes : "He must be unlucky and sad to lose a preety girl like you !! " To which she hugs me and kisses me and replies : "He isn't that way cause he has won me over again." She is not someone who displays public affection, so I was quite surprised. All thru the evening though a lot of our friends were there and quite shocked to see us out together, she was always there beside me, and seemed really happy to do so.

 

Anyhow, I am not saying anything, I am just glad, we are able to atleast start spending time together, and working on things we had wrong before. I am not trying to say we are back at all or we will be together ever again, that I don't know. But even for me I want to take things slow, I mean I know I love her, but she HAS hurt me. I am just taking it a day at a time. How can she give me a fully commited relationship when she has just hurt me and I have lost my trust in her? It will take time for that, I think, and thats why we are taking it slow, just spending time and trying to rebuild the faith and trust we have in eachother slowly right...I dont know maybe I am completely wrong, and just lining up for more hurt. But I am just taking each day as it comes and goes, even if she never calls me again after last night I am sure it will hurt me a lot less now than it did before.

 

You really think she was alone on that trip?

For some reason I actually do believe that. She is crazy enough to do something like this. She said once in her life she wanted to do something like this when she was 21 and she had to do it now, cause she knew she would never again get a chance. She didn't tell me as I would have never ever let her go on her own. Which is very true. Anyhow only she knows what is true, I have no choice right now but to believe her.

[Guitarjeff]

Just setting yourself up Nanu, don't say I didn't warn you. You were her backup plan, until the next time she leaves again and hurts you.

[KissTheRain]

Geishawhelk, CaliGuy, GuitarJeff, and others,

 

Really what does she have to do to prove to me she wants to give it another shot? I dont think she will come right back and say, lets start seeing eachother again. I think the best thing she and I both can do is have our intentions clear, and work on making things better and work on the things that made us part in the first place and then see how things are going, correct me if I am wrong.

 

The last 3-4 days we have spend over 12 hours together each day as it was a long weekend for both of us, we did all the things we used to, and we had a great time in doing so, she too was really happy as well.

The only thing I can see for me to start trusting and to get over the hurt is just time, and time together to make eachother feel we both have learnt and grown after this break-up. Time to understand what went wrong and to fix that together by us both working on the issues.

 

I dont know where this is gonna take us, I really don't and really right now we dont want to think of the future, right now we just want to see how things go . .

 

Thanks a lot for all the help and warning, I am really proceedng with caution as I know I really have been hurt and can get very hurt by her.

But that is a price I am willing to pay to give this another shot.

[Guitarjeff]

You don't need to convince us, Nanu. It sounds as if you are trying to convince yourself. Tell me, so she can have sex with you but yet not agree that she is in an exclusive relationship with you. Doesn't this mean she then is also reserving the right to have sex with someone else without being in a committed relationship with them either. Sounds like she has her cake and can eat it too. Don't be surprised when you find out she is having sex with someone else as well and she says to you, "but I never agreed we were in a committed relationship". If she's not going to do that, then why is she keeping that excuse handy?

 

 

 

 

Geishawhelk, CaliGuy, GuitarJeff, and others,

 

Really what does she have to do to prove to me she wants to give it another shot? I dont think she will come right back and say, lets start seeing eachother again. I think the best thing she and I both can do is have our intentions clear, and work on making things better and work on the things that made us part in the first place and then see how things are going, correct me if I am wrong.

 

The last 3-4 days we have spend over 12 hours together each day as it was a long weekend for both of us, we did all the things we used to, and we had a great time in doing so, she too was really happy as well.

The only thing I can see for me to start trusting and to get over the hurt is just time, and time together to make eachother feel we both have learnt and grown after this break-up. Time to understand what went wrong and to fix that together by us both working on the issues.

 

I dont know where this is gonna take us, I really don't and really right now we dont want to think of the future, right now we just want to see how things go . .

 

Thanks a lot for all the help and warning, I am really proceedng with caution as I know I really have been hurt and can get very hurt by her.

But that is a price I am willing to pay to give this another shot.

[CaliGuy]

Geishawhelk, CaliGuy, GuitarJeff, and others,

 

Really what does she have to do to prove to me she wants to give it another shot? I dont think she will come right back and say, lets start seeing eachother again. I think the best thing she and I both can do is have our intentions clear, and work on making things better and work on the things that made us part in the first place and then see how things are going, correct me if I am wrong.

 

The last 3-4 days we have spend over 12 hours together each day as it was a long weekend for both of us, we did all the things we used to, and we had a great time in doing so, she too was really happy as well.

The only thing I can see for me to start trusting and to get over the hurt is just time, and time together to make eachother feel we both have learnt and grown after this break-up. Time to understand what went wrong and to fix that together by us both working on the issues.

 

I dont know where this is gonna take us, I really don't and really right now we dont want to think of the future, right now we just want to see how things go . .

 

Thanks a lot for all the help and warning, I am really proceedng with caution as I know I really have been hurt and can get very hurt by her.

But that is a price I am willing to pay to give this another shot.

 

I don't know because everyone is different, but I will make a few statements:

 

1. Don't be in a rush to pick up where you left off. You need to start over.

2. If you do take her back right away, she won't value or respect you. She needs to earn your trust.

3. Have your OWN LIFE and your OWN ACTIVITIES apart from her. Do things with your friends. The last thing you want to do is spend a lot of time togther. Give her the gift of missing you.

4. IMHO, she needs to pursue you. She left, right? Why therefore should you do any pursuing? Let her do the work this time. She has trust to rebuild and if she really wants to be with you, she will put in the effort.

5. Believe 0% of what she says and 100% of what she does. If her words and actions do not correspond...... RUN AWAY.

[KissTheRain]

1. Don't be in a rush to pick up where you left off. You need to start over.

 

I totally agree with that.

 

2. If you do take her back right away, she won't value or respect you. She needs to earn your trust.

 

Thats why I dont even want to talk abuot a comitted relationship yet, I need a lot more trust, and it will only come slowly. To answer to GuitarJeff as well, even if she swears by it and says yes to a committed relation what good is it really if I dont trust her or if I dont have faith in her? It is of no use right her saying yes or no to it. Thats why I rather give it time for us both to again start trusting in eachother.

 

3. Have your OWN LIFE and your OWN ACTIVITIES apart from her. Do things with your friends. The last thing you want to do is spend a lot of time togther. Give her the gift of missing you.

4. IMHO, she needs to pursue you. She left, right? Why therefore should you do any pursuing? Let her do the work this time. She has trust to rebuild and if she really wants to be with you, she will put in the effort.

5. Believe 0% of what she says and 100% of what she does. If her words and actions do not correspond...... RUN AWAY.

 

Couldn't agree more. Thanks a lot, for me it is best to take things slow and it is best to take it as a new start than anything else.