Stress of what he did eating/killing me inside

[sickandtired29]

I do not have anyone to talk to about this, except my family and they are no help. My family loves the man I am with, so they tell me to forgive and forget about what my boyfriend has done to me in the past. I would absolutely love to, as I have tried and...it's just not working. I am so angry about it, I am no longer the happy person I used to be and I know I am ruining our relationship with my anger.

 

It's such a long story, but I will try to give you the short end of it. I met this guy while he was in Iraq. We began talking on Yahoo and we chatted for hours and hours per day. He was upfront, told me he was married but separated. He told me as soon as he got back from Iraq, he was going to divorce this woman (which he did do.) Anyway, he came out to visit me while he was on R&R and stayed a week. My friend talked to him alone while I was at work for a few hours. He told her he had no plans to leave his wife, because you know how it is when you've got two kids--cheaper to keep her?? HA. That really hurt though, considering he kept telling me he was going to divorce her.

 

We still chatted though and I decided to find out if his feelings were true, after all...he lied once. I made a fake MySpace page with a hot girl's pic on it, added him as a friend, hit on him, and asked if he had a girlfriend. He told me no and that the girl he wrote about on his page (ME) was someone he USED to be interested in. That hurt too. I confronted him and he told me he didn't mean what he said, he just said it. WHATEVER.

 

We continue to talk. He comes back home from Iraq. He was stationed in Hawaii and I live many miles away. We talked on the phone a lot and in the background, I could hear other girls. All the time I'd hear girls in the background, but he told me they were just friends and that he has more girls that are friends, than guys. OK. One night I hear in the background..."Does this look good, or should I wear this??" I am sitting there thinking...WTF, are you in the bedroom watching this chick get dressed while you're on the phone with me?! GRRR, I'd had enough. Not only did that push me over the edge, there were always messages on MySpace from these slutty girls and it really pissed me off. I stopped talking to him for awhile...I missed him so much.

 

A few months later, I fly out to Hawaii to be with him. While he was at work one day, curiosity killed me and I looked through his computer. After all, he'd lied to me how many times already?? I found things that still haunt me to this day...everyday...every hour. I found his passwords to all his email accounts and his MySpace...I check them all. I found countless conversations on Yahoo from so many girls. Some he talked dirty to, some he even used my jokes on them. He told me I was the only one he chatted with on there. He was even talking to his ex wife telling her she was his best friend...funny he told me this too. I found that he was sending penis pics to numerous girls, he was on so many sex sites and dating sites. The big blow to my heart was when I found out he had been sleeping with a girl he worked with in Iraq and when he got home. All the while, he told me he was so lonely and hadn't had sex in sooooo long, because there weren't many girls in Iraq. Yet, he had sent her so many dirty emails talking about what they did, what he wanted to do to her, and the sick part of it all...they would both talk about their girlfriend/boyfriend, so they were both cheating on someone. I was SOOOOO hurt. He was trying to find other girls that would come out and be with him in Hawaii (I guess if I didn't work out.) He was on webcam sites and he was even looking for a NAKED MAID to come clean his house. He was on dating sites a few days before I flew in. THEN, I find out the girls that were "just friends" were ALL strippers he hung out with.

 

Yet, I'm supposed to feel fine about it all. Then he sits there and chats it up with his ex for hours while I am there, like they are best buds. If they were so close, why get a divorce?? So I told him...divorce her and stop chatting it up or I am out. He divorced her and the chats stopped...kind of. She still tries to run his life and control him. Play the victim and I am such a good mother bs...even though CPS has been involved in her crap parenting numerous times. I just feel totally disrespected...more so than ever.

 

He doesn't know that I know all of these things. He knows that I know about him sleeping with that girl he worked with. He knows I know that his friends are all strippers, but he doesn't know I know EVERYTHING!!! I can't tell him I looked through his stuff. I now find myself looking through his emails everyday...sometimes more than once a day. I block addresses, I delete emails if I get them before he's read them. I constantly worry that he will sleep with someone he works with, or maybe if I'm not home and he's bored...he might get online and talk nasty with chicks. Or who knows. So I come at him like I want to rip his throat out, which in all honesty...some days I DO!!!! He knows that I am hurting and he knows he did it. He tells me he's sorry he screwed things up and that he will never do this again. How can I believe him?!?!?!?!?! Seriously, I really don't think a person can change overnight. I think he is weak.

 

I love him so much and there hasn't been anything weird going on since I first got to Hawaii in September 07. He's out of the military and in my home state with me now. He doesn't talk to those hooker girls, stripper chicks, and barely talks to his ex. I just fear that they might come out of the woodworks and email him (you know how that goes.) "Just emailing you to rekindle things." GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Sometimes I just want to get even and do everything to him, that he has done to me. Would he even care?? Not only that, but I don't want to get on his level...that is not me. I am not an angry person, but I am losing patience and I have lost ALL respect for him.

 

I find myself talking bad about girls now, because I am pissed that he did this to me. I hate music and movies that talk about or show cheating sluts in it. I am going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like if I got away from him, maybe I'd be better, but I just want to know how to get over this and move forward. I don't know what in the heck to do. It's sickening though. You know, the worst part is...a person will do all this cheating and hurt someone, but the person that was cheated on will be "the psycho" and the one to ruin the relationship. How does that make sense?! I suck at relationships......................................

 

BTW--I don't want to be an insecure person, because I'm not. However, with his track record, how can I not be?? Also, he cheated on his wife with a girl he worked with, along with sleeping with the other girl he worked with while with me. So can you see why I might feel insecure about him working with women?? I hate feeling this way. Like I said, not insecure, just know of what he's capable of and obviously this is an issue for him. I feel sick over it.

[Geishawhelk]

Dear Miss doormat.

Stay with him.

Carry on as you are, and soon, you'll be as flat as a panckake, with all the treadmarks from his boots running all over you.

 

Stick with it, I'm sure you'll be fine.

After all, it's all been sooooooo good so far, right?

 

 

The past is not in the past.

It's right here, slap up-to-date in the present.

he's a player, a cheater, unreliable, untrustworthy, disrespectful, lying and no good.

He's running rings around you and will carry on doing so quite happily because actually, whilst you stay with him, knowing what you know - you're giving him full permission and clearance to do so.

he gives a sh!1t about you, and you're just a convenient bolt-hole.

 

Kick him to the kerb and don't put up with this for one nano-second longer.

 

Not a one.

[AlektraClementine]

Holy mackerel. He sounds completely disgusting. How are you even attracted to that mess?

[sickandtired29]

I agree with you, I definitely feel walked all over and disgusted by it. I have no idea how I am attracted to that mess, I don't think I am. I've been sleeping on the couch and all I do is start fights. I wrote him an email listing all the things he's done to me and I asked him if the tables were turned, would he stay with me?! I doubt it. I know when he reads it, he'll just act sad and say he's sorry and that he won't ever hurt me again, that I should not worry about it anymore. I told him that I wanted us to go to therapy or that I would pack my stuff and leave. He will probably say ok, but I have a feeling that will never happen. I just feel weak and I don't know...I feel like for the first time in my LIFE I need this guy. I've never felt that way. Typically the first sign of someone BSing me and I kick him to the side. I really do not know why he has such a hold on me and why I can't just end it already.

[DaisyBelle]

I don't even know what the question here is. The guy's an *********. And you have no self respect. The first step in getting your life on track again is to get away from this guy and have no contact with him whatsoever ever again.

[Geishawhelk]

..... I wrote him an email listing all the things he's done to me and I asked him if the tables were turned, would he stay with me?! I doubt it. I know when he reads it, he'll just act sad and say he's sorry and that he won't ever hurt me again.....I told him that I wanted us to go to therapy or that I would pack my stuff and leave. He will probably say ok, but I have a feeling that will never happen........... I really do not know why he has such a hold on me and why I can't just end it already.

 

You know, if it weren't for the fact that all you'll see is asterisks, I would be giving you such a mouthful right now...

 

Will you just stop with the Fu**ing ultimatums???

HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

He thinks nothing of you.

he is of the opinion that you are stupid, witless, easy and very very manipulable. he can twist you round his little finger because he thinks you're weak, a push-over and desperate.

 

And it is beginning to look that way, isn't it?

 

The reason he has such a hold on you is doubtless that he's absolutely charming and makes you feel a million dollars when he's attentive.

So now, you're desperate to be loved.

 

You love the idea of love, but you're not in love with him.

And he sure as hell isn't in love with you.

Jeesh, I bet he's not even in 'Like' - !!

 

He probably laughs at you behind your back, or tells other girls that you're possessive, you're no good in bed, or that he hasn't had it in years, you're frigid and you don't understand him.

 

Because you don't think for one moment he's being honest with either you, or them - do you??

 

Ultimatums don't mean Jack Sh*I*t to him. He knows that a bit of wheeling and dealing, a few placatory remarks, a few "right noises", will just shut you up again.

So he makes empty promises - promises you KNOW he won't keep - but he knows you'll do nothing, because he's heard it all before.

 

Good grief, I despair, sometimes. I really do......

[Ramrod]

WTH do you love about this guy?

 

He sounds abosolutely dreadful. I think you NEED counseling. He's a slut. But your acting like a n*t!

[JoL]

Oh man you are a mess.....

 

You need professional help for even THINKING about sticking around with a man like this. Seriously.

Get some professional help. You will never leave him otherwise. He will continue to treat you like dirt.

 

Oh, you better also get yourself to the clinic- who knows what kind of STD's he is carrying with his lifestyle and disregard for human life?!

[MichelleS1983]

The others are SO right - get yourself to a doctor to be tested for every STD known to man - and ones that haven't even been discovered yet. Jesus, what a piece of GARBAGE this loser is.

 

What is SO wrong with you that you'll continue to allow yourself to be disrespected day after day after day after day by this worthless douche bag? Are you really THAT desperate for a man - ANY man?

 

There are absolutely no excuses for why you'd sink this low. I get the impression you're young because of the MySpace nonsense etc. etc. However, youth is no excuse for stupidity.

[Island Girl]

You will never find peace in this relationship.

 

It was based in lies. He lied to you the whole time he was in Iraq and afterward.

 

You were "falling in love" and he was surfing porn sites, e-mailing naked pics of himself (EEEW), and chatting up girls for sex.

 

You aren't in love with him. You are in a sick and twisted mindset right now that as long as you remain then he isn't with anyone else -

 

But you live in constant fear that he'll be true to his nature and lie or cheat or both. Which he will because it is his pattern of behavior and it is not like when he met you he changed -- he didn't.

 

You need to find out in therapy what has made you hang on through the madness, why you are willing to lower the standards of how you are treated or what you would put up with, and in general a co-dependent mess.

 

You are like an addict at this point knowing what you are doing is so bad for you yet doing anything you can to get more.

 

You are halfway out right now if you are sleeping on the sofa. Just get all the way out and save the time you'd be wasting in this relationship with this loser.

 

Get it through your head that the strippers and others can have his sorry butt because it isn't as though they are getting Prince Charming.

 

Get out and get therapy to get yourself back on track.

 

And if your family likes him so much after how he has treated you get the hell away from them too. They're toxic.

[nicki]

What Island Girl and the others have already said.

 

It might help to realize that what you are describing is not love, it is dysfunction on your part. You don't love him, even though you think you do. You are acting on something else. Fear of abandonment?

 

I've been there. I really do understand. You hope he will become that wonderful guy you see once in a while.

 

But, realize that he is a bad guy who acts nice once in a while to get HIS way.

 

He has already shown you who he is. It is not something that he is working on to change. He is a user.

 

Sometimes we can't wait until our emotions change to do the right thing. We just have to do it. The right thing to do is to disengage from this guy and from this situation.

 

What can you do today to cut out all hope that this will turn out good? Lose your hope about him. Keep your hope that things can be better for you, away from him.

 

Seriously, he will destroy you.

[bearhugs]

Im a 29 year old male and was in the service...............he may change....but you only have one little heart and it will be broken a million times....thats too many times for a might change situation. Insecurity can be grown from someone elses actions, you already know what to do.........its the loudest thought you think and the toughest choice you have to make. it will hurt a ton now, but 1000 tons later. Muster up the strength and move on......make a clean break and never look back. I had a girlfriend that I hurt the same exact way. She did the right thing and is very happy now...I hear. Now im out of that phase and am whole heartedly devoted to one girl, but i hurt many in between and am not proud of it at all..........good luck sweety, I hope it works out the way you sicerely want it to