Are we in too much of a rush??

[interalia]

Hi there,

 

Background: I am 28 and my bf is 38. We both have plenty of relationship experience, but neither of us have been married before. We started dating over three months ago and it has been absolutely fantastic. We share similar (although not exact) interests. We have the same values and religious beliefs and we both want the same things in life. When I met him, it was a feeling that I had never experienced before. It really was this "spark." I just feels like we were on the same page. We talk constantly and have really open communication. He knows me secrets and I know his. I've definitely had my share of infatuations and mutual infatuations and this is so much more than that.

 

The things is that we started talking about marriage really early on. We both express that we want to get married, have children and build a life together. I know it's early to get engaged, but it feels right. We aren't engaged yet, but I know it's on the horizon pretty soon and we'd have about a year-long engagement.

 

I guess I'd like to hear an outsiders perspective regarding whether we are rushing into this. I know that true love waits, but we both feel like we have been waiting so long for this, why wait any longer? Also, while I have no problem waiting to have children for several years, my bf doesn't want to be too old of a father. I'm nervous that our friends will think we are crazy and/or not take us seriously.

 

Thoughts?

[Squirtal]

Hi Interalia

 

I personally think its a matter of personal choice.

I have a couple of friends who met online, they lived together almost straight off, got engaged by 6 months and married to the day of being together for one year.

They have a successful and lovong and full marriage and are a couple a lot of people would love to be like.

 

My partner and I moved in together at around the 6 month mark and I have a feeling it will be rings this year and we've only been together a bit more than a year.

 

My brother got engaged after 3 months with his ex wife..they were together 14 years.

 

Good luck to you.

I think its lovely that you have found someone so special. I hope its everything you want.

[Geishawhelk]

If it feels good - do it.

 

When in doubt - don't.

 

There are no hard and fast rules about anything.

if you both feel the same way, have similar interests, values, religious opinions and long-term goals - then try to focus on the happiness you bring one another.

 

Continue being good to one another, consider each other and put the other person first. (It cuts both ways.)

 

Enjoy your lives together, and go for it.

[interalia]

Thanks Squirtal and Geishawhelk!

 

The "feels right" argument is what I have been following. I think I have enough experience to know what feels right and feels wrong. I wish I didn't have to learn those lessons, but I did!

 

I suppose I am afraid of what other people will think and that is a stupid reason not to follow my instincts.

 

So far I haven't found any research that shows that there is a correlation between time before dating and length of marriage .

[Squirtal]

Awww..

I believe that all the lessons we learnt are the exact things that bring us to the point we are at.

If I hadn't have met so many numbnuts I wouldn't have met my partner and I wouldn't be sickeningly blissfully happy.

Many mistakes, but no regrets..my choices made me who I am, and I'm happy.

Please please please, keep us posted on developments.

I love a good love story.

Good good.

[interalia]

Awww..

I believe that all the lessons we learnt are the exact things that bring us to the point we are at.

If I hadn't have met so many numbnuts I wouldn't have met my partner and I wouldn't be sickeningly blissfully happy.

Many mistakes, but no regrets..my choices made me who I am, and I'm happy.

Please please please, keep us posted on developments.

I love a good love story.

Good good.

 

I couldn't agree more with this. I thought that I would never be lucky enough to meet one of the truly good ones (I met some that thought that they were nice guys, but ended up being controlling and manipulative). I did and the difference is so great and so wonderful. My bf and I both feel super lucky at having met each other. It wouldn't be so clear to me but for my past experiences (traumatic or disappointing as they were).

[Squirtal]

Its wonderful isn't it?

 

We got a dog together in October...thats was almost as good as a marriage.

Certainly prepares you some of the way for parenthood... never ever thought I would find someone who suited me, even love his annoying traits and vica versa.

Where did you meet your beau?

[interalia]

I want a dog too, but we've decided to get a plant first! We haven't moved in together yet. Well, he asked me, but I told him that I wanted to wait until marriage was very seriously on the table or until we are engaged before moving in together. I'm not old-fashioned, but I've lived with three other boyfriends and this time I want to make sure there is a serious commitment. I'm just waiting for him to ask me again so I can say yes. He has brought it up a number of times like "then you'll have to move in with me." I think he feels a little bad that I said "no," but we had been dating a month and I wanted to make sure it wasn't the hormones talking.

 

I ramble like crazy!

 

Anywho, I met him in a pub. He asked me "what's an American girl doing at a Irish bar watching Scottish football in Madrid?" I was hooked ever since.

 

What about you?

[Squirtal]

I think thats quite romantic to woit until marriage, but I have to say I like it like this..at least there are no surprises.

He sleep talks and walks really badly and I've only just got used to it, have learnt not to try and console him back to sleep though because he has a potty mouth when he sleep talks.

 

We met online actually...first date we both knew it was different...he was just amazing and we talked none stop.

 

An American Girl in an Irish pub watching Madrid...Love it..thats a story to tell your gran kids..and yes I ramble too.

Right I had better get home now..just finished work.

Please let me know how it goes.

[interalia]

interlia, just dont rush into things, wait for some more time before finally settling down, coz when you are new in the relationship, you show and get the best of each others behaviour. but for a relationship to last for alonger period, you should be capmatible enough, and should be aware of all the good and bad mood swings. dont just rush into it...

 

Fair enough...it would be over a year before we could even get married. How much time do you think qualifies as "some time"?

[Touche]

Make sure you're on the same page regarding kids because it sounded like you wanted to wait and he didn't.

 

So agree on that before you do anything.

 

Also, have you had your first fight yet? That's important...to see how you resolve conflict.

 

What about things like time apart? Girls/boys night out kind of thing? Are you on the same page about that? Religion? Housecleaning, money, sex, etc. etc.

 

I ask because my H and I talked about EVERYTHING. I mean of course you can't foresee things that will come up during the course of a relationship/marriage but if you talk about all the important stuff and you know you can resolve conflict in a healthy way, then you should be able to handle most everything.

 

All that said, my husband proposed after one month. I moved in 2 months after that and we got married 5 months after that...so we married only 8 months after we met. Coincidentally, my mother and father also married 8 months after meeting. My father proposed to her after 3 or 4 weeks as well. Weird huh?

 

Anyway, we're together 14 years now. So no, I don't believe length of courtship/engagement is really an important factor on whether it will work out or not. There are SO many more important variables.

[interalia]

Make sure you're on the same page regarding kids because it sounded like you wanted to wait and he didn't.

 

So agree on that before you do anything.

 

Also, have you had your first fight yet? That's important...to see how you resolve conflict.

 

What about things like time apart? Girls/boys night out kind of thing? Are you on the same page about that? Religion? Housecleaning, money, sex, etc. etc.

 

I ask because my H and I talked about EVERYTHING. I mean of course you can't foresee things that will come up during the course of a relationship/marriage but if you talk about all the important stuff and you know you can resolve conflict in a healthy way, then you should be able to handle most everything.

 

All that said, my husband proposed after one month. I moved in 2 months after that and we got married 5 months after that...so we married only 8 months after we met. Coincidentally, my mother and father also married 8 months after meeting. My father proposed to her after 3 or 4 weeks as well. Weird huh?

 

Anyway, we're together 14 years now. So no, I don't believe length of courtship/engagement is really an important factor on whether it will work out or not. There are SO many more important variables.

 

Thanks for this respons. Truth be told we have had long conversations about all this. We are on the same page about children, division of labor, how we will decide where to live (we are citizens of different countries), etc. We have had our first "fight." Really, I was in a bad mood and taking things out on him. It actually turned out really well. Instead of getting defensive or angry he called me out calmly and rationally. I responded with "you are absolutely right. I'm really sorry." I'm sure we will have other, more serious conflicts in the future, but so far so good.

 

I know people who got married after a few months and have been together for 20+ years. On the other hand, I know people who have been together for 10 years before getting married and ended up divorcing within 3. I know that is anecdotal evidence. Still, as you said, I think the things that you mentioned above (shared values, etc) is more probative that time together before getting married.

[Touche]

You're right on the money..oh and you're welcome.

 

Want to hear something funny though? Normally I would absolutely advise AGAINST becoming engaged or marrying in so short a time. I've actually advised against it many times. Because usually, not always, I can tell the couple in question isn't ready or they're not right for each other. I'm so surprised by how many couples rush into marriage and have never really talked about all the important things that come up in a marriage. They just think "love will conquer all" or "we'll work it out, we love each other"...uh uh...doesn't work that way.

 

You two do sound like you'd make it. I'm impressed with the way you handled your first disagreement and I'm impressed that you've covered many of the "biggies." Keep talking. Keep watching him and how he interacts with other people including his family. But it sounds like you've met your match.

[Star Gazer]

Touche, would you say that couples who "feel it's right" (like the OP and you and your H) and make sure they're on the same page but who get engaged and married quickly have a better chance of success than those couples who take 3, 4, 5, 6+ years to figure out "if it's right" before getting engaged?

[Touche]

Touche, would you say that couples who "feel it's right" (like the OP and you and your H) and make sure they're on the same page but who get engaged and married quickly have a better chance of success than those couples who take 3, 4, 5, 6+ years to figure out "if it's right" before getting engaged?

 

I honestly think it usually has almost no bearing on the success of the relationship. I really don't.

 

You're either right for each other or you're not. That piece of paper and how quickly you get it (or don't), isn't going to change that fact one way or the other in my opinion.

 

The exception to that would be if ONE of the parties involved grows resentful because a marriage isn't taking place when they think it should. Then that can color all else and it can contaminate the relationship as a whole (we all know someone like that don't we?)

 

But really I don't think the length of the engagement matters at all if you're truly meant to be and on the same page...but yeah, you even have to be on the same page about the length of the engagement itself or resentments can grow and ruin things.

 

Did that make sense?

[Touche]

I want to add something too about the notion about "being on the same page." We've been bandying (sp?) that about a lot lately on here.

 

I don't mean that you (general) and your partner have to think EXACTLY the same way about EVERY issue. But those where you don't, you have to be able to come to a good compromise that you can BOTH agree on...where neither of you will feel resentment and you're fine with the decisions you made JOINTLY.

 

THAT'S what I mean by being on the same page...because I think it was yesterday that someone called me on that (and I didn't respond) saying that no two people can think alike on everything, yada, yada...well DUH!

 

So I just wanted to add that in for clarification.

[Star Gazer]

I hear you on length of engagement having no bearing on whether you're right for each other.

 

I guess my question is different: Do you think that couples who KNOW that they are right for each other very early on have a better chance of success than those couples who don't know if they're right for each other for a long time, and really question whether this person is "the one", but do ultimately decide they are and get married?

 

Does that make sense?

 

To use an example - a couple like you and your H on the one hand, who knew right away, versus a couple like LB and her BF, would have at least one partner (and sometimes two) who seriously question whether the other is "the one", and continue to question this for a long, long time.

 

In other words, taking individual biases out of the equation, do you think there's a correlation between WHEN you "KNOW," and whether you'll be successful as a couple long term?

[Touche]

I hear you on length of engagement having no bearing on whether you're right for each other.

 

I guess my question is different: Do you think that couples who KNOW that they are right for each other very early on have a better chance of success than those couples who don't know if they're right for each other for a long time, and really question whether this person is "the one", but do ultimately decide they are and get married?

 

Does that make sense?

 

Yes, sorry. I saw what you meant after I posted but couldn't go back and change it.

 

No, I really don't think knowing early on is the be all end all. To be honest I've never really thought about it much. There's no set timetable for things like this I think though. And stage in life is also a BIG factor. Maybe you're both not in the same stage in life but after a few years you become so. Or maybe you haven't had enough experiences in life to really KNOW whether someone is right for you so quickly. There are too many variables for me to say unequivocably that if you know right away, you have a BETTER chance than a couple who doesn't.

 

I know for me it holds true. But I know plenty of others who took longer and they're just as happy.

To use an example - a couple like you and your H on the one hand, who knew right away, versus a couple like LB and her BF, would have at least one partner (and sometimes two) who seriously question whether the other is "the one", and continue to question this for a long, long time.

 

In other words, taking individual biases out of the equation, do you think there's a correlation between WHEN you "KNOW," and whether you'll be successful as a couple long term?

 

No, again I'd really have to say I don't think so.

 

I've seen people make just as big a mistake thinking they KNOW right away then those who take longer before they "know." You know?

 

I just don't believe in any kind of timetable really. Every couple is different. And every couple comes to their own conclusions in their own time...sometimes together and other times independently.

 

Like I said, (and like Interalia said too) the long term viability of a relationship has so much more to do with other things.

 

(Have you STILL not had your first fight yet? )

 

And interalia I don't think you really had your first REAL fight either....that was just you being in a bad mood. Not that you didn't handle that in a mature fashion..so did your guy but...just saying.

[Star Gazer]

(Have you STILL not had your first fight yet? )

 

No, we really haven't. That's not to say we haven't disagreed about anything, we just handle everything much differently than in any relationship I've ever been in. In addition, we've already traveled together a few times and he's taken care of me while I was sick as a dog for 4 days - when I was super b*tchy and looking like sh*t.

 

I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I've known him forever. I keep looking for red flags, even trying to provoke some , and I can't find a damn thing wrong. In essence, it "just feels right." There's nothing "off." It's almost disconcerting!

[Touche]

No, we really haven't. That's not to say we haven't disagreed about anything, we just handle everything much differently than in any relationship I've ever been in. In addition, we've already traveled together a few times and he's taken care of me while I was sick as a dog for 4 days - when I was super b*tchy and looking like sh*t.

 

I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I've known him forever. I keep looking for red flags, even trying to provoke some , and I can't find a damn thing wrong. In essence, it "just feels right." There's nothing "off." It's almost disconcerting!

 

OMG! He's seen you at your bytchiest and still wants you! Girl he's a keeper.:lmao: Who is he..Superman? ahaha. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

 

Funny but I've always thought the way you both get along when you travel with your SO says a lot. It really does. So that's a great sign.

 

Don't you dare provoke this nice guy who took care of you when you were sick! No sabotaging allowed.

 

He really sounds like a good guy. I still want to hear how the first fight goes down though.

 

Also one more thing...if you haven't found a damn thing wrong with him yet, you may be too blinded by lust and or love still. I'm serious. It's when you start to really see him with his faults (and yes, we all have them) and you STILL think he's the cat's meow that it will mean that much more.

 

And please don't think I'm taking anything away from what you have. What you have sounds truly great.

[Star Gazer]

OMG! He's seen you at your bytchiest and still wants you! Girl he's a keeper.:lmao: Who is he..Superman? ahaha. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

 

Him: "Aww, Star... you're so cute when you're sick."

 

Me: "You need glasses." [insert phlegmy cough here]

 

Him: [sarcastic voice] "Oooh, that's sexy."

 

Me: "Wah. Don't pick on me."

 

Him: "Here, take your NyQuil."

 

 

Funny but I've always thought the way you both get along when you travel with your SO says a lot. It really does. So that's a great sign.

 

I agree. With my ex-ex, one of the biggest signs (in retrospect) that we weren't meant to be was that we didn't travel well together. It wasn't terrible, but we just didn't enjoy being around each other for 7 straight days and nights, and/or didn't really resolve conflict during the trip well (delays, getting lost, etc.)

 

Don't you dare provoke this nice guy who took care of you when you were sick! No sabotaging allowed.

 

It's not really provoking... That was a poor word choice. For example, I teased him about hogging the remote and always putting on what he wanted to watch. Based on past experience, I expected him to either (1) toss it at me and let me have my way [wimp], or (2) tell me to take a hike because he was going to keep watching what he wanted [selfish]. I teased him to see whether or not he'll be like the others that came before him.

 

So what did he do? He started flipping through the online guide, suggesting something that we'd both want to watch.

 

Also one more thing...if you haven't found a damn thing wrong with him yet, you may be too blinded by lust and or love still. I'm serious. It's when you start to really see him with his faults (and yes, we all have them) and you STILL think he's the cat's meow that it will mean that much more.

 

Oh no, I've found flaws. He wears ugly shirts, he's a Republican (and I'm an Obama lover), likes guns, and snores (we went and got one of those mouth things to help so I can sleep though). But I just adore him anyway...

[Touche]

He's a Republican? That's all I need to know! He IS a keeper.

 

That was a great story about the remote! I love that. THAT says a lot I must say.

 

Yes, you knew exactly what i meant about traveling together.

 

Sounds all good, SG!

 

Hey, OT for a sec..can you let me know some time if that snoring thing works? I don't know if I'm sleeping lighter or H is snoring louder but it's gotten really, really bad lately. I can't take it anymore! I've been thinking of getting those strips you put across the nose. I wonder if that works. What's the mouth thing?

[Star Gazer]

Hey, OT for a sec..can you let me know some time if that snoring thing works? I don't know if I'm sleeping lighter or H is snoring louder but it's gotten really, really bad lately. I can't take it anymore! I've been thinking of getting those strips you put across the nose. I wonder if that works. What's the mouth thing?

 

It TOTALLY works, at least for the throat/gutteral type of snoring. I think he has a sort of sleep apnea or something... without it in, it sounds like he'll stop breathing and then do this big gutteral snore, know what I mean? The nasal kind of snoring is still there, but it's so light that it just sounds like deep breathing.

 

This is what he uses: http://www.puresleep.com/

 

It's literally like night and day. Try it.

[Touche]

Yep, that sounds just like his snoring too. Thanks! I'll try it.

[jam1982]

Oh no, I've found flaws. He wears ugly shirts, he's a Republican (and I'm an Obama lover), likes guns, and snores (we went and got one of those mouth things to help so I can sleep though). But I just adore him anyway...

 

Those aren't faults, those are annoying habits/things that bug you. FAULTS are things like overreacting, bad temper, moodiness, ect. Those are the issues that make or break a relationship, not snoring. You are still in the honeymoon stage, he hasn't gotten a chance to show you his faults yet.

 

(which isn't bad, the honeymoon stage is a great part of the relationship)