Dumped by co-worker boyfriend

[Fran]

I was recently dumped by a guy I work with. We dated for abut 5 months. Things were going very well between us, and a few weeks ago he just decided that he wanted to be with other women and just see me casually. I said no to that situation, and said I did not want to see or have anything to do with him. He said "fine" and let me go. He claimed that he was afraid that if we were exclusive, that some other girl might come along he would want to be with. I just didn't understand his behavior since this was a guy who pursued the heck out of me to get me to date him, then wined/dined me, and spent 24/7 with me when we dated. He went from completely enthralled with me to totally not interested. In addition, we work together, so I have to see him every day. At work he acts as if he never even knew me, and to top that off, I see him out at the bars partying and having a grand old time. I am hurting alot, and he is not. What was this guy's problem, and how do I deal with this at work? I am devesated and totally confused by his behavior. I honestly did not do a thing to chase him away, maybe it is his age, he is only 25. Still Can't figure it out, help...I am crushed.

[Tony T]

Most men, whether they are players or not, will work as hard as possible to win the heart of a woman. Once that happens, the trophy goes on the mantle and they are back to football, shooting pool...or, in your case, looking for other trophies for the mantle. Don't expect the same level of flowers, candy and candlelight dinners after that.

 

Your ex is not usual. It is more a function of maturity than age or anything else. When the total of his life eperiences, coupled with his present finances and feeling of security, makes him decide he is ready to settle down, he will look for a permanent relationship.

 

I think you did good having seen him five months. That was probably uncharacteristically long for him. He'll break more hearts, I'm sure.

 

Meantime, his attitude of not even acknowledging you at work indicates he is very immature but you may be better off. He is also very fickle. As much as you hurt, it could have been worse. The relationship meant a different thing to you than if did to him. This dude doesn't belong in your life because you deserve better.

 

You may consider dating guys in the same building but not in the same office. If you pay very close attention and ask the right questions from the starting gate, you will usually find out where their head is at as far as long term relationships are concerned.

 

Whatever you do, be cool around him...smile...say hello even if he ignores you...and don't even give him a slight hint that he has hurt you.

[Nina]

Ouch. I remember the same thing happened to me, after that I swore on every Bible I could lay my hands on never to date a co-worker again. I know it is painful, I can completely empathize. But, as usual, there is really only one remedy. Time. Give yourself a few days to wallow, then write in a journal how you feel. Every day. Whatever comes to mind. It is very theraputic. My therapist recommended it to me and I must say it really does work if you are honest with yourself.

 

Good luck. It will get better. Just try to avoid his presence if possible, don't follow him or his behaviors. Just let it go. That's relaly the only thing you can do after the end of any relaitonship.

[Fran]

Tony,

 

Thank you for the response. I agree with what you say about this guy. I know he is immature, Although I was very decieved and hurt by this boy/man, I honestly have learned from this experience. I should have seen the signs that he was so persistant with me and trying desperately to make me fall for him. I also should have known that when a man shows so much so soon, that it might not mean anything in a few months, and he will most likely go back to being the immature party animal that he hid so well in the beginning. Time heals, just hope it is sooner than later, love stinks.

I was recently dumped by a guy I work with. We dated for abut 5 months. Things were going very well between us, and a few weeks ago he just decided that he wanted to be with other women and just see me casually. I said no to that situation, and said I did not want to see or have anything to do with him. He said "fine" and let me go. He claimed that he was afraid that if we were exclusive, that some other girl might come along he would want to be with. I just didn't understand his behavior since this was a guy who pursued the heck out of me to get me to date him, then wined/dined me, and spent 24/7 with me when we dated. He went from completely enthralled with me to totally not interested. In addition, we work together, so I have to see him every day. At work he acts as if he never even knew me, and to top that off, I see him out at the bars partying and having a grand old time. I am hurting alot, and he is not. What was this guy's problem, and how do I deal with this at work? I am devesated and totally confused by his behavior. I honestly did not do a thing to chase him away, maybe it is his age, he is only 25. Still Can't figure it out, help...I am crushed.

[Fran]

Tony,

 

Remember me, Fran? The girl who was dumped by her co-worker boyfriend? Well, I bumped into him today, it as just he and I alone. I was very friendly and cordial, showed no signs that I was still hurting. He was also nice. When I returned to my desk, he had emailed me, asking me if I was at a bar a week or two ago, and why I ignored him. I didn't even see him that night at the bar. Seeing him at work brought back so many feelings, and I guess I am still not over him. What does he want from me? I don't know why he bothered emailing me if it was not to say "I am sorry, lets work it out". I didnt write him back, and I just don't know what to do. Should I respond to him, or ignore the email?? I do want him back, desperately, please tell me what to do now!

Tony, Thank you for the response. I agree with what you say about this guy. I know he is immature, Although I was very decieved and hurt by this boy/man, I honestly have learned from this experience. I should have seen the signs that he was so persistant with me and trying desperately to make me fall for him. I also should have known that when a man shows so much so soon, that it might not mean anything in a few months, and he will most likely go back to being the immature party animal that he hid so well in the beginning. Time heals, just hope it is sooner than later, love stinks.

[Dottie]

Fran, Tony gave some really great advice the first time. Please go back and re-read it.

 

Do you really want to be the "chick" this guy runs to whenever his "toy box of women" runs a bit of a drought? I would hope not.

 

Guys like this feel they have to have a girlfriend or be dating someone at all times ... perhaps an immature ego thing. Ever hear the song: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with"? Well, that is just what he is trying to pull.

 

I personally have been in that situation a couple times where I was the "spare", the "reliably standby". As soon as I realized it on each occasion, I exited the relationship immediately! I am worthy of far more than playing second fiddle to any man's other loves in his life or lack thereof.

 

Stick to your guns. Learn from the past. Remember seeing him party hardy after breaking up with you. That is the REAL dude you're dealing with. Don't let him sucker you into a false sense of security just so he can be afforded the comfort of having a lady in his life until he finds someone else that suits him better, or until he reconnects with some woman of which you have no knowledge.

 

Again, don't date anyone where you work, EVER. Make that a strick practice thoughout your dating life. When it does not work out, it is hell. When it does work out, it can still be a pain in the butt.

 

I hope this makes sense to you. Good Luck!