Is this a good idea?

[hurts so bad]

Well, it's been 6 weeks since I received his e-mail saying that he was confused and depressed about a lot of things and that he was using this time to think about those things, including our relationship. And that he needed to figure out what he was going to do with his life, and as soon as he did, he would give me a call. (My previous threads are "Here we go again, another break or maybe it's a break-up", and "I think he has forgot about me") Well, I still haven't heard a thing. Sometimes I wonder if he has fallen off the face of the earth.

 

At this point, I don't know what to do. I don't have any closure, and I am still holding on to the fact that he will call and want me back. I love him more than anything, and I'm not going to lie, I do want him back. But I am also at the point, where enough is enough. I don't want to be here 6 months from now, still waiting for him to call.....

 

So, I am thinking about sending him an e-mail. I don't really know what to say though.....I was thinking about saying something like "if you are never going to speak to me again, that is your choice, but I think I deserve to know".....What is everybody's opinion on this? I don't want to be rude. I don't even know if this is a good idea? I have respected his feelings by not contacting him, and I feel like I would be giving him an ultimatium by doing this....but I also can't keep living my life not knowing what is going on. I just don't know what to do. Any insight on this would be helpful. We were seriously dating for 4 1/2 years....

[PurpleAngel]

My suggestion is DON’T call him DON’T contact him at all, closure is over rated, I think contacting him will only raise your hopes more and NOT actually help create closure. YOU are the one that can create it. Stop hoping for something that isn’t happening, he is showing you exactly what he thinks and wants. That’s all you need to know, actions speak louder than any words he could say. Use your time to get over this. I know and understand that you love him BUT you need to invest love in someone that is going to give it back to you my dear, please, for now, move on. He is not in your life so I would call it over. Don’t let him toy with you JUST because you love him. Its ok to love someone, you know you don’t need to be with everyone you love or have ever loved. Love yourself first and foremost and DON’T let him play you anymore. He needs time to work through things, allow him this with your blessing. No explanation required. He is saying all he needs LOUDLY AND CLEARLY, its just not what you want to hear.

 

So leave him be now, you do your thing. Heal, move on and LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!

 

Good Luck

~PurpleAngel~

[midori]

I think Purple Angel's advice is good, and may be the best advice you can get for your situation. But having been in a situation much like yours, I know how very difficult it may be for you to take that advice. It's hard to put something like that behind you.

 

I agree 100% that you ARE getting a very clear message from him: he doesn't want to discuss anything with you. He just wants to put it all behind him. And some people can actually do that.

 

If you're not one of them, and it seems that perhaps, like me, you're not, then the next best course of action would be to write him a very very honest email. It's not something you can write in a day. It's something that will evolve only slowly, with many many drafts and re-writes. Tell him where you were coming from -- the absolute and utter truth, nothing disguised to make it more palatable, nothing held back, nothing designed to make him react in any particular way. The point is not his reaction. The point is to reveal yourself to him, even as you acknowledge that the relationship is over.

 

That helped me. I've recently been in touch with my ex, whose unilateral break-up with me more than two years ago was the most crushing thing I'd ever had to go through. I've finally reached the point where I'm not looking for answers from him. But being heard was important to me, since I'd had no voice in the decision to break-up.

 

You will have to accept that the relationship is over. There is no point in emailing him to demand answers. He can't give you answers -- if he could, he would have six weeks ago. He probably hasn't actually forgotten about you, but he is very likely doing his utmost to expel you from his mind. Just because someone can't articulate the reasons that something -- a relationship, whatever -- doesn't feel right to them, doesn't mean that they aren't of sound mind. Took me a long time to figure that one out. My ex needed to end things. He couldn't give good reasons. I therefore thought that he didn't have good reasons, and was doing something that he would come to regret. I was wrong there.

 

So regain your balance -- only you can do that. Work toward accepting the relationship is over. But also work out what you would say to your ex: your feelings about the relationship, and yourself in the relationship, and whatever else you would want to communicate to him. That messages will probably change as time goes by, and you should let quite a bit of time pass before you try to communicate with him. There are probably things you haven't even admitted to yourself yet. When enough time has passed, and if you feel the need, you can send him an email or a letter telling him those things. You won't expect a reply necessarily, and if there is one it may not respond to the things you said, or it may not respond in the way you would expect. But that'll be OK, because you won't be looking to your ex for closure. You'll have made it for yourself.

 

It's hard to move on when you have the deep-rooted hope/sense that your ex will pop up one day, when things are less scary for him, and he'll want to talk and ... But to perisist in that hope is only to prolong your agony, your loneliness. You won't get any reward for that.

[Fancy]

How much more of a message do you need? He breaks up with you multiple times, he leaves you hanging, he's "unsure" of his feelings, blah, blah, blah. I know you're blinded by your love for him and the hope you carry, but hon, he's sending you a message loud and clear. Do you want to know what the message says? It says, "I really don't care for you. I don't put you first. I want to go out and have my fun and have my space, and when I'm horny or lonely I want you to be there so I can run back to you for a brief time."

 

I agree with the others; you definitely should NOT email him. What good would it do? It would only serve to degrade you once again. Haven't you been degraded and cast aside enough? Now's the time for you to take back your life and your dignity. Don't call him, don't email him, don't see him and don't respond to any letters, visits or phone calls. Put him out of your mind and out of your life. All you're gonna get from this creep is heartache and games. Is that all you're worth? I don't think so.

 

Make the decision today that this is the end. You don't need to notify him of this. He's not worthy of that consideration. Move on with your life, get some new hobbies, make some new friends, and get some self respect back that he's taken from you. If not, you'll only be here again in another month telling the same story over again about how you two got back together, then he needed time and you haven't heard a word. Don't let this jerk run your life and pull your strings. Pull your own strings and carve out a better life for yourself.

[ADUN]

Hi,

 

My 4 years gf came up with the same bull**** -> I m confused, I need time to think, I don't know what I want, let me get back to you as soon as my ideas and feelings are strainghtened up and I hopefully everything will be ok.

 

Honestly, I thought the same way you did -> I love her so much, can't live without her, blablabla. I gave her 5 days and then I started having thoughts myself like "what is this bull**** of I need time to think?" think about what? What am I, a sort of a 1st in a add/drop waiting list?!?! So I said to myself "I love her ok, but I m not a subsitute and will never be, she just doesn't deserve me". Day 7, she still says she doesn't know what she wants... but I told her what I want -> time's up!

 

2 weeks later, I m dating a wondeful girl (there are plenty out there) and guess what, my ex is asking my friends about me and wants to know my news. My belief is in a serious relationship, no mistakes are allowed -> you love blindly or you don't.

 

I believe that when a partner says crap like that, s/he needs time to figure out if another relationship'd be fruitful or not. If negative, they come back to you, period.

 

Note: I never cheated on her throughout the 4 years although I had a chance to do so!

[flsgirl]

I was so you about a month ago. My boyfriend of 3 years dumped me out of the blue. He never gave me anything but contradicting answers on everything. I too was hanging on the hope that he would realize he made a mistake and come back.

 

Obviously you can make your own decision, but unlike what the others below have said, I e-mailed my ex about two weeks after we last talked. I couldn't take it any more and I just wanted to know if there really would be another chance. I figured people can be more honest when they aren't actually say it face-to-face. I wrote the e-mail like it was the last time I'd ever speak to him again. I didn't gravel, I was very respectful and said that I can accept your decision, but I just need the closure to move on. I was never mean and didn't bash him nor did I beg him to take me back. You have to have self-respect. By writing an e-mail, you can get all your feelings out and be done with it. He then knows exactly how you feel and if you don't hear from him, then you definitely know his answer. That's closure (not the kind you were looking for, but it is nevertheless). I got a phone call from my e-mail and I got answers I wanted (not Really what I wanted) but the truth.

 

I wish you luck and hang in there. Remember that your significant other should NEVER make you hurt or make you feel bad about yourself. It's an awful feeling now, but I have hope that I will feel better soon and be able to move on.