How did the affair change you ?

[anijanoki]

After my affair my view on everthing changed. I was able to take a good look at myself and say WTF, is this who you want to be. Yeah I was totally in the wrong in having an affair. And I am doing everything in my power to rebuild the trust I once had wiht my spouse.

 

It's my turn to prove to him that I can put my selfish needs aside for a moment and put him first, the way it's suppose to be in a marriage. If I am taking care of his needs he in turn will take care of mine. And this is achieve by COMMUNICATING. If I feel cranky, I tell him, if he wants to be left a lone he tells me. Eveything isn't great. But I have learned to put much more effort in my marraige that I did before. Happiness isn't over the fence, happiness is at home.

[LakesideDream]

My "only" affair (I was the OM) has taught me most of the lessons I needed to survive as a 50+ single man, post 25 year marriage and divorce.

 

First and most important, the affair ressurected my self worth. When it began I honestly believed that I was without redeeming qualities whatsoever. I didn't have "low" self esteem, I had "no" self esteem.

 

It also set me on the road to learning about patience. I lacked patience my whole life. I was always agressive, trying to hard to improve situations, often to my detriment. Finding out that there are things out of my control that I was required to endure, was most enlightening.

 

The affair also increased my confidence. While related to "self esteem" confidence is more general. I knew that it was up to me to deal with each new situation that came up in life in general. I wanted to remain a vialble option so I acted accordingly. Soon I realized that I was making the correct decisions more often than not and stopped second guessing myself.

 

There is more. If I must point to a single most important thing, it would be #1, The affair restored enough of my self esteem to continue the voyage.

[Reggie]

Though I agree with BoldJack that an unvoiced want or need cannot be satisfied, I also hold the view that some wants and needs shouldn't NEED to be communicated. I think when you know someone well enough, you KNOW there wants, needs and dreams. Just somewhere along the line you either forget or ignore them or refuse to accept they still matter. Maybe you stop giving affection...but you know your partner is an affectionate person. And why should that person have to ask for you to do or say something? Surely then you are only doing it because you have been 'ordered' to? And then the partner will feel you don't really mean the words or the act - but that you are just performing it because they asked. What's better? To ask for a hug...or just to be given one - because that person knows you well enough to KNOW what your needs and wants are. Obviously some needs and wants change with time but in most cases I think the partner just forgets, ignores or thinks they no longer matter and the person that feels ignored doesn't want to have to 'remind' someone when they feel they should still know.

 

Maybe some needs should be known. But, what I think a lot of us found out is that our partners actively hid their dissatisfaction as they were conflict avoiders and also had an inflated sense of entitlement(the affair is proof of that).

 

Also, as was mentioned, by virtue of the fact that they cheated, I think in the majority of cases, the cheater was the one bringing less to the marriage in terms of meeting the BS's needs. So many of us, when our radar started beeping, were scrambling to uncover the problem. But, as was done even before the affair, the WS would not communicate.

 

Look, it is fair to make some generalizations about cheaters and the research by therapists seems to back these up. In general, they are not at all as they portray themselves when justifying. They are not these all giving spouses imploring the BS to get counseling and trying to fix the problems. Their level of integrity is lower on many issues as compared to a non-cheater. They are often conflict avoiders with unrealistic expectations of what a partner can fulfill within them as well as unrealistic expectations of another person's ability to know their needs.

 

Most of the materials I've read say that upon further investigation into the pre A dynamics in the marriage, the cheater was way less invested in the health of the marriage. Cheaters just have such a need to justify and preserve the image(an innaccurate image) of themselves that they are very adept at looking at the BS as the cause.

[65tr6]

It's my turn to prove to him that I can put my selfish needs aside for a moment and put him first, the way it's suppose to be in a marriage. If I am taking care of his needs he in turn will take care of mine. And this is achieve by COMMUNICATING. .

 

thanks for posting. Glad to hear from a xWW. Sounds so much close what we are going through. My wife has never been the best communicator (is there such a word ? but you get it) - She knows it. She did admit that talking on regular basis has proved very beneficial. I feel frustrated in taking the lead all the time but also learning to be patient at the same time. A big after-affair change for us.

 

Also helps us in our conflict resolution. In the past it was either "my way or the highway" or just withdraw.

 

Happiness isn't over the fence, happiness is at home.

I asked my wife the other day, at the end of day, if she is coming back to a loving and happy home, will that make her a happy woman --- she looks straight at me and says "yes".

[Owl]

LSD...what did you learn from your wife's affair?

 

How does it compare to what you learned from your own affair?

[65tr6]

I didn't have "low" self esteem, I had "no" self esteem..

Interesting you mention about self-esteem. You say no self esteem because of bad marriage or something that got beat up pretty bad in your marriage and hence you had the affair ? (sorry I am making too many assumptions here)

 

I thought about myself as someone with fairly high self-esteem. I never looked for "validation" from others about who I am or what I was doing. Lot of folks admire that in me. My wife's affair, however, stunned me. I cannot say my self-esteem has been destoyed by any means or even took a major dent but I would be lying if it did not have some impact.

[DaBastert]

...what did I learn? That not only did I ruin someone else's ability to trust, I also screwed myself. I can't trust as easily either because of my own actions. If I ever got back with my wife, I'd do my damndest to make sure she could trust me to the best of her abilities, but I know what I did changed her view on trust forever, and I'll always start to wonder if she's going to "step out" for revenge...to see what it was like...or anything.

 

Simply put... everyone's ability to trust got burned.

 

What else? To open my fücking mouth and let someone KNOW when I'm not happy. To recognise the triggers that sent me "looking" instead of talking to my SO. Thinking of someone else's feelings before being selfish.

 

C

[Dexter Morgan]

After my affair my view on everthing changed. I was able to take a good look at myself and say WTF, is this who you want to be. Yeah I was totally in the wrong in having an affair. And I am doing everything in my power to rebuild the trust I once had wiht my spouse.

 

It's my turn to prove to him that I can put my selfish needs aside for a moment and put him first, the way it's suppose to be in a marriage. If I am taking care of his needs he in turn will take care of mine. And this is achieve by COMMUNICATING. If I feel cranky, I tell him, if he wants to be left a lone he tells me. Eveything isn't great. But I have learned to put much more effort in my marraige that I did before. Happiness isn't over the fence, happiness is at home.

 

Now see, regardless of my view on cheaters and how I wouldn't trust a one ever again, I can at least respect this mindset put forth above.

 

I still will never give a cheater a 2nd chance ever, but for those that will give a 2nd chance, then this would be the kind of person that deserves one....and I'm going out on a limb with that one.

 

But on this site, as seen with a few posters, and one in particular in this thread, this isn't the mindset at all. Too often it is one of me me me, and it was the BS's fault that they did what they did.

 

Still gonna call it like I see it, but I can at least respect your attitude in at least attempting to make the 2nd chance that your spouse has given you not turn into a waste of their time.

[Dexter Morgan]

...what did I learn? That not only did I ruin someone else's ability to trust, I also screwed myself. I can't trust as easily either because of my own actions. If I ever got back with my wife, I'd do my damndest to make sure she could trust me to the best of her abilities, but I know what I did changed her view on trust forever, and I'll always start to wonder if she's going to "step out" for revenge...to see what it was like...or anything.

 

and you know what, I think that is a fear that every WS should endure.

[taylor]

I will be the first to admit. I NEVER thought a person could change. Dont ask me why but I remember a friend of mine (when i was really little) telling me it is just not possible. Not sure why but it got embedded in my brain...Fast forward couple of decades I now know that it is a myth. People change. Sometimes or rather most of the time you must, if you are in a relationship.

 

After my wife's the affair came out, the very next day, I googled "affair". I hit couple of websites and the floodgates opened up for me.

 

I believe people mellow down a lot with age but there is always that life changing event that can act as a major catalyst too. I changed almost overnight. Several months later, it is now becoming a second nature. So far so good. There are moments when I tend to go back to the old myself but those are becoming far less and more importantly I tend to correct myself.

 

I am curious as to what changes other BSs/WSs went through and wonder if they were/are able to sustain it.

 

How did the affair impact you ?

You think you are a better person now ? If so, how ?

You think you can sustain the changes you made for rest of your life ?

How did your beliefs change, if any ?

Do you think more and more folks are working through affairs given the resources that are available out there ?(I personally think this is a great website and helped me tremendously)

 

65tr6,

 

This is a good question and I had to think long and hard about it..dig down deep to find the truth.

 

The truth is today I am the same person I was before my marriage started to spiral downward and the affair took place.

 

The affair did not change me. The problems I was having internally (struggles and conflicts) way prior to the affair changed me. That change in me had a negative effect on my marriage. As the marital problems worstened and spiralled out of control, I CHANGED for the worse. I became someone I was not. I don't even recognize that person now.

 

Once the affair ended, I reverted back to the person I was prior to the affair. Being in IC has helped me to get back to the person I used to be.

 

How did the affair impact me?

It lowered my self-esteem. It made me not trust myself, my perceptions, my judgements. It made me hate myself for being weak, naive and vulnerable. It forced me to look at myself and my husband with different eyes. It made me fight for my marriage. The affair also made me more jaded and cynical about other men and their intentions.

 

Do I think I am a better person post-affair?

No. I will never be a 'better' person post-affair by the simple fact that I compromised my value system in a way I never have in my life by having an affair. A wiser person, yes. A better person, no.

 

How did my beliefs change?

I still have the same beliefs I did when I married my husband. The only time my beliefs changed is when I compromised them during the affair. I would say I strengthened my belief system post-affair, ie, have a greater resolve to never let it be compromised again.

 

Do I think more people are working thru affairs nowadays?

Yes, I do. I think years ago, women turned their heads when their husbands had affairs because they had no choice but to stay with them for financial reasons. The affair was shoved under the carpet and life went on unchanged. Nowadays, both men and women have a choice to stay or go after an affair..and those that choose to stay have access to alot of resources and therapy to assist them. I think it also helps that affairs don't have the same stigma they did years ago. Couples would have rather died than admitted an affair touched their marriage.

 

If you want to know what I learned post affair, here are some of the lessons:

 

1. Never turn your back on your marriage. You change, your partner changes, your marriage changes..and all need tended to. Protect it because it is the most precious relationship in your life.

 

2. Love and commitment are choices, not feelings.

 

3. Life is precious. The person who gives you his heart entrusts you to take good care of it. Never take your spouse's love or his life for granted.

 

4. Stand for something, or you fall for anything.

[65tr6]

..

 

What else? To open my fücking mouth and let someone KNOW when I'm not happy. To recognise the triggers that sent me "looking" instead of talking to my SO. Thinking of someone else's feelings before being selfish.

 

C

It is great to see WSs post. I see some true remorse here.

[LakesideDream]

Interesting you mention about self-esteem. You say no self esteem because of bad marriage or something that got beat up pretty bad in your marriage and hence you had the affair ? (sorry I am making too many assumptions here)

 

I thought about myself as someone with fairly high self-esteem. I never looked for "validation" from others about who I am or what I was doing. Lot of folks admire that in me. My wife's affair, however, stunned me. I cannot say my self-esteem has been destoyed by any means or even took a major dent but I would be lying if it did not have some impact.

 

 

Twenty five year marriage that I sacrificed my "life" to provide my family wife and two children with more than the necessities. My ex was very hostile in the last 4-5 years as she was looking for an exit to be with her long term affair partner (23 years). I seconded my personality and needs to "finish" my work with the kids getting them to adulthood. I didn't have a clue my ex was in a LT affair.

 

I judged myself using my marrige as the standard. It didn't matter what I tried to accomplish, It was sabotaged, although I didn't realise it at the time. My confidence went straight to hell.

[LakesideDream]

LSD...what did you learn from your wife's affair?

 

How does it compare to what you learned from your own affair?

 

 

Wise ol Owl, It would literally take a book to describe what I learned from my ex wife. With my spelling and the cost of editing I'd be broke before I could publish it.

 

Other than the obvious similarities of time and protagination, the two affairs lacked commonality. My ex cheated from year two of a 25 year marriage to the end. The discovery of her actions during the marriage tainted or destroyed every accomplishment, event, and happy memory. It literally oblitherated everything accomplished and enjoyed for those 25 years. I have no good memories or feelings. An example, I have never been able to look at the few family photo's that remain in my posession.

[taylor]

...what did I learn? That not only did I ruin someone else's ability to trust, I also screwed myself. I can't trust as easily either because of my own actions. If I ever got back with my wife, I'd do my damndest to make sure she could trust me to the best of her abilities, but I know what I did changed her view on trust forever, and I'll always start to wonder if she's going to "step out" for revenge...to see what it was like...or anything.

 

Simply put... everyone's ability to trust got burned.

 

What else? To open my fücking mouth and let someone KNOW when I'm not happy. To recognise the triggers that sent me "looking" instead of talking to my SO. Thinking of someone else's feelings before being selfish.

 

C

 

65, you say you see true remorse in the words of this poster.

 

I am not going to say for one minute that this poster isn't remorseful, but his words here are not an expression of remorse. Here, he is lamenting the loss of his wife and beating himself up about it because he knows he screwed up his marriage. His words show that he recognises that his actions resulted in the loss of his marriage. He is grieving that loss and is angry at himself because he knows he is responsible for that loss. He regrets that his actions resulted in these losses from his life.

 

He is not saying here that he is sorry he hurt his wife...that he regrets huring her...that he feels her pain...that she didn't deserve what he did to her. That's remorse...when you feel horrible about how you made another person feel...when you can put yourself in someone else's shoes and feel what they are feeling because of what you did to them...compassion..empathy.

 

The only time this poster mentions his wife is in regard to how his actions caused the loss of her trust. He is concerned she would never trust him again if they ever got back together. Again, he is not showing remorse here. He is lamenting the loss of his own trustworthiness...the loss of his wife's trust in him. He is lamenting his loss and kicking himself in the butt about losing this thru his own fault. He regrets that his actions resulted in the loss of his marriage, his wife, and his trustworthiness....

 

This is the self-loathing a wayward spouse feels after an affair. I know it well and can easily identify with this poster. It is a self-hate..an anger at oneself... that comes with the recognition that you failed yourself by doing something that defies who you believe you are as a person. We all want to believe we are good decent people, but when we do something not so good, not so decent, we realize we aren't as good and decent as we thought we were. And we realize we screwed up our own lives by our own actions...no one else to blame here. It's a hard lump to swallow.

 

Again, I do not for one minute want to cast any doubts as to whether this poster feels true remorse. I am sure he can post again and tell us how he feels about hurting his wife. But I believe his words of remorse will look a little different than what he's posted here.

[taylor]

I will be the first to admit. I NEVER thought a person could change. Dont ask me why but I remember a friend of mine (when i was really little) telling me it is just not possible. Not sure why but it got embedded in my brain...Fast forward couple of decades I now know that it is a myth. People change. Sometimes or rather most of the time you must, if you are in a relationship.

 

After my wife's the affair came out, the very next day, I googled "affair". I hit couple of websites and the floodgates opened up for me.

 

65, let me ask you this:

 

Do you believe your wife has changed post-affair? Did the "floodgates" open for her as well? What has she learned from the affair? Her journey will look a little different than yours.

 

And if I may also ask: What do you want from your wife at this point? What changes do you think she still needs to make? Is there anything you haven't seen from her yet that you still hope to see?

[taylor]

People change. Sometimes or rather most of the time you must, if you are in a relationship.

 

I am curious as to what changes other BSs/WSs went through and wonder if they were/are able to sustain it.

 

If the BS/WS choose to sustain it, they will. It's a choice you make every single day.

[Woggle]

The way I grew a backbone left my ex when she cheated helped me to gain a confidence and self respect I never knew I had. It forced me to confront many issues with my mother and to gain the self esteem I never had before. I vowed that I would never let a woman treat me like that again. In many ways it was a blessing in disguise.

[DaBastert]

65, you say you see true remorse in the words of this poster.

 

...and that's what I stated. You don't know anything about me or how I feel about my wife...what I did to my family, or anything else. Why do you feel the need to judge other people? I can't even figure out what's going on in day to day life from this point on yet you feel you know all the answers. How wonderfully insightful of you.

[jwi71]

If the BS/WS choose to sustain it, they will. It's a choice you make every single day.

 

I'd like to comment on this.

 

If someone must sustain a change then it isn't really a change. Its a temporary shift in behavior to placate oneself or others. To truly change is to NOT have to sustain it or by force of will choose it. It simply IS.

 

I'll give you an example. Me.

 

I shackled myself in golden chains. Sure, I made a significant six figure income and I LOVED all the trappings. The big house, the Porsche the BMW and all that I owned. I was a success by every public measure. However, to sustain that lifestyle I had to work 60+ hours per week plus the time I spent managing my investments in both the primary markets and as a wannabe venture capitalist. I was easily occupied 70 odd hours per week working. I did that for years - at least 12. It was part of what I was.

 

My W's A changed that. Easy to see how she felt neglected huh. It is NOW.

 

I CHANGED.

 

I work 40 hours per week now - no more 7 am to 7 pm. I punch in at 7am and punch out at 4pm. I gave up being a wannabe VC. I sold my 911. Gave up the house. Liquidated assets and simplified.

 

I focused on my family. On being there. On spending more than Sunday afternoons with my family. I learned to braid my daughter's hair!

 

Do I miss the long hours? NO.

Do I miss the house (we never even moved in to it). NO.

Do I miss the 911? NO. Ok, that's a lie - I DO miss that.

 

I changed. Gone is the materialism and the drive to have more and APPEAR successful. I WANT my family. I WANT the little house on the prairie.

 

I don't sustain that. I don't choose it or re-affirm it. It simply IS.

 

I changed.

[lostsoulmate]

65, you say you see true remorse in the words of this poster.

 

...and that's what I stated. You don't know anything about me or how I feel about my wife...what I did to my family, or anything else. Why do you feel the need to judge other people? I can't even figure out what's going on in day to day life from this point on yet you feel you know all the answers. How wonderfully insightful of you.

 

DaBastert-

Don't worry about them... Worry about you. We are both in the day to day, trying to make it work stage. It's hard, dig deep and find strength in "you".

 

I always try to remember, it is really none of my business what other people think of me. I can't change their minds. Just know there are people here on LS that do want to lend a helping hand. I just ignore the ugly posts and concentrate on the ones that might truly provide some insight into the crazy world I call my life.

 

Good luck to you. Peace, hope and brightness!

[65tr6]

Do you believe your wife has changed post-affair? Did the "floodgates" open for her as well? What has she learned from the affair? Her journey will look a little different than yours.

 

And if I may also ask: What do you want from your wife at this point? What changes do you think she still needs to make? Is there anything you haven't seen from her yet that you still hope to see?

 

taylor, the floodgates have opened for her but nothing like what it is for me. She cannot believe she was capable of something she did. Yes I agree she will take mcuh longer to get there (I say that because she has to cut through lot of maze).

 

The biggest thing she is doing is earning the trust back very slowly. And what I relief that is ! I cannot wait to let go of mistrust (being trustful that I am). I still check on her every once in a while but more to verify than anything else.

 

What she has learned from the affair ?

 

That is the absolute wrong thing to do. She hurt way too many people by doing that. That she was being selfish. That she needs to work on herself. That a combination of events led to her choice to have an affair but it was her decision.

 

What do I want from my wife at this point ?

 

I feel, for the time since the d-day that I have a choice. And it feels great to be in that position. Not seeking someone out of desparation even it is your own wife.

 

Somethings I would love to see from her in the near future....

 

1. Forgive herself. This is so important for me that she forgives herself. Right now, that acts a barrier between what she is thinking and what she wants to do. But I believe that is the right thing for her to do to move on. If I forgive her why can she not forgive herself ? But I also know that this can take a while.

 

2. I asked her this but she is struggling. I want HER to rip apart the affair piece by piece and analyse it to the core. Go back and revisit everything. Make notes and share those with me. What she felt back then and what she feels now. Why she did it.

 

3. Recommitt to the marriage. Actually I am in no hurry here as I was several months ago. This can come much later and I am fine with it.

[taylor]

65, you say you see true remorse in the words of this poster.

 

...and that's what I stated. You don't know anything about me or how I feel about my wife...what I did to my family, or anything else. Why do you feel the need to judge other people? I can't even figure out what's going on in day to day life from this point on yet you feel you know all the answers. How wonderfully insightful of you.

 

DeBastert,

 

I am truly sorry if I offended you in any way. It was not my intention.

 

I was merely trying to point out to 65tr6 that what I heard from your post was a "self-loathing."

 

And if you read back thru my post you will see that TWICE I clarified my comments, saying that I don't want you to misinterpret what I am saying. I am making no assumption as to whether you are remorseful or not. I AM SURE YOU ARE.

 

But your post screams self-hate.

 

Why do I say this?

 

Because I am right where you are. I could have written your post using the same words and feelings you do. I am going thru this same agony you are.

 

What I read in your post is a man beating himself up over what he has done. You are punishing yourself. No, I don't know you. I don't pretend to. But I certainly recognize self-loathing when I see it. It's become all too familiar to me. I never knew what that felt like until after my affair. The feelings are very strong...powerful...comsuming. We torture ourselves with them and they are the price we pay for having an affair.

 

Our MC said it is very common for WS to hate themselves after they have had an affair. To hate what they allowed themselves to do. To hate seeing the consequences of their actions. To lament the things we lost because of our very actions.

 

I asked her how to overcome these feelings because they were getting in the way of my husband and I reconnecting and recovery. She said the only way to overcome feelings of self-hate is to get to the point where you can forgive yourself...self-forgiveness.

 

You will earn and build trust again. You will become someone you like again and you will be liked and loved again.

 

I have yet to see that in myself. I still don't like who I am or who I became during my affair and I am still trying to come to terms with it..accept it..learn from it...forgive myself for it...and move on. I am also coming to terms with the consequences of my actions..the losses my marriage suffered due to my actions....accepting that some of the things that were lost will probably be lost forever...some will be recoverable.

 

Again, I do not doubt for a minute that you do not feel remorse.

 

It took me about 9 months to feel true remorse. I even remember the exact day and time it "hit" me. My husband lay on the bed curled in a little ball, crying. He said, "I feel like I am dying inside." At that moment, it felt like a butcher knife stabbed me in the heart and like a heavy fist punched me in the stomach. Adrenaline rushed thru me and I felt lightheaded. I gasped for air. I felt like my soul had been ripped from my body. I was filled with remorse.

 

FWIW, DeBastert, I do not have any answers. I am working thru my affair just as you are. I only responded because I can identify with your feelings in your post because I am there as well. And you and I both know that at this stage, we are desperately looking for answers and trying to make sense of our lives.

 

I wish you all the best.

[65tr6]

I changed. Gone is the materialism and the drive to have more and APPEAR successful. I WANT my family. I WANT the little house on the prairie.

 

I don't sustain that. I don't choose it or re-affirm it. It simply IS.

 

I changed.

jw, well said. . On d-day suddenly it dawned on me that all this money does not mean a squat if I cannot have a happy family.

 

The other day, my wife and I went to make a big purchase and I let her pick whatever she wanted. And I was so glad for her.

[taylor]

 

DaBastert-

Don't worry about them... Worry about you. We are both in the day to day, trying to make it work stage. It's hard, dig deep and find strength in "you".

 

I am not one of "them." I am one of you. I had an emotional affair with a coworker. It almost destroyed my marriage. I am also in the day to day, trying to make it work stage.

 

Just know there are people here on LS that do want to lend a helping hand. I just ignore the ugly posts and concentrate on the ones that might truly provide some insight

 

Sometimes the ugly posts provide the most insight. They aren't always what you want to hear, tho.

 

You misinterpreted my post. I can relate all to well to DeBastert and what he is going thru because I am going thru the same thing and have been for several months. I made an observation, not a judgement. I am the last person who would ever judge someone who had an affair as I had one myself.

[foreversunshine]

I will be the first to admit. I NEVER thought a person could change. Dont ask me why but I remember a friend of mine (when i was really little) telling me it is just not possible. Not sure why but it got embedded in my brain...Fast forward couple of decades I now know that it is a myth. People change. Sometimes or rather most of the time you must, if you are in a relationship.

 

After my wife's the affair came out, the very next day, I googled "affair". I hit couple of websites and the floodgates opened up for me.

 

I believe people mellow down a lot with age but there is always that life changing event that can act as a major catalyst too. I changed almost overnight. Several months later, it is now becoming a second nature. So far so good. There are moments when I tend to go back to the old myself but those are becoming far less and more importantly I tend to correct myself.

 

I am curious as to what changes other BSs/WSs went through and wonder if they were/are able to sustain it.

 

How did the affair impact you ?

You think you are a better person now ? If so, how ?

You think you can sustain the changes you made for rest of your life ?

How did your beliefs change, if any ?

Do you think more and more folks are working through affairs given the resources that are available out there ?(I personally think this is a great website and helped me tremendously)

I had my fiancee cheat on me I wanna post something but am new to this site and dont know how can you help me??