How did the affair change you ?

[65tr6]

The truth is today I am the same person I was before my marriage started to spiral downward and the affair took place..

 

You are probably not giving yourself the credit that you deserve. May be it is matter of semantics here. You say you are wise but not changed. But the wisedom brings about that change. Change in your thinking, behavior.

 

 

2. Love and commitment are choices, not feelings..

 

Love is a choice...I think i buy that....

 

I must have googled this 10 times since the d-day looking up for definition of love. For now, I will go with "Love is an action. "

 

You generate loving feelings, within in you and around you, through your loving actions. Through words. More action than pure words alone.

 

You do little lovings things for your spouse, and he/she does the same for you.

[65tr6]

I had my fiancee cheat on me I wanna post something but am new to this site and dont know how can you help me??

 

forever, create a new thread. Go the main page in Infidelity section and click on "New Thread". You will see that on the left towards the center.

[soserious1]

How did my ex's escapades change me?

 

Well for starters I will NEVER marry or live with a man ever again,never,ever.

I will never leave myself open to being fiscally responsible for another man's bills.

Never again will I be chained to my desk at work while a person I support watches porn and surfs craig's list for women!

[taylor]

taylor, the floodgates have opened for her but nothing like what it is for me. She cannot believe she was capable of something she did. Yes I agree she will take mcuh longer to get there (I say that because she has to cut through lot of maze).

 

The biggest thing she is doing is earning the trust back very slowly. And what I relief that is ! I cannot wait to let go of mistrust (being trustful that I am). I still check on her every once in a while but more to verify than anything else.

 

What she has learned from the affair ?

 

That is the absolute wrong thing to do. She hurt way too many people by doing that. That she was being selfish. That she needs to work on herself. That a combination of events led to her choice to have an affair but it was her decision.

 

What do I want from my wife at this point ?

 

I feel, for the time since the d-day that I have a choice. And it feels great to be in that position. Not seeking someone out of desparation even it is your own wife.

 

Somethings I would love to see from her in the near future....

 

1. Forgive herself. This is so important for me that she forgives herself. Right now, that acts a barrier between what she is thinking and what she wants to do. But I believe that is the right thing for her to do to move on. If I forgive her why can she not forgive herself ? But I also know that this can take a while.

 

2. I asked her this but she is struggling. I want HER to rip apart the affair piece by piece and analyse it to the core. Go back and revisit everything. Make notes and share those with me. What she felt back then and what she feels now. Why she did it.

 

3. Recommitt to the marriage. Actually I am in no hurry here as I was several months ago. This can come much later and I am fine with it.

 

65,

 

I admire you so much for how you are handling the aftermath of your wife's affair and the road to recovery.

 

You are handling everything with such maturity and patience (yes, patience!). You remind me alot of my husband and how he is dealing with this event in our own lives.

 

I will continue to follow your threads because I see so many similaries between your situation and mine. I never thought, as a WS, I would be looking for a guiding light from a BS here on LS but such is the case.

 

Just a couple other comments:

 

You say you want your wife to forgive herself. I know we have touched on this several times in previous threads. I got myself in some trouble on this one, trying to address the real emotions of "self-hate" and "self-loathing" that follow a WS after an affair. It is real. And it's so powerful and consuming. And I know this has slowed recovery in my own marriage. I think it's because it's hard to love another person when you don't love yourself.

 

It's hard to forgive yourself when you hate yourself for what you did. It has taken a long time for me to accept what I have done..to believe I was capable of doing what I did.

 

I don't know what it will take for your wife to forgive herself. For me, I think it's realizing that I am still a good person capable of doing good things even though I did a bad thing. And then proving that to myself.

 

I want to say I am also glad you are trying to get your wife to examine the affair. It really helped me alot to do this. Maybe it can help her, too. I actually had to write out my entire affair on paper and then read it over and over again to see it for what it was. And, to tell you the truth, it was a struggle to actually "see" and accept the truth...see the affair for what it was. But I know this was the only way I could even have attempted to answer the "Why's." Everyone is different in how they process their thoughts, feelings and events. I just know this is what worked for me. I continue to do this. I am still sorting things out.

[DaBastert]

...for overreacting. Bad day at work!

 

I'm in this phase right now because the double-whammy of the OW and I saying good-bye forever, as well as my wife saying "we're through" is where all the recent turmoil is coming from. It's made all of my actions in the past CRYSTAL CLEAR. How I've been selfish. How I've hurt all those around me. The fall-out of my selfish behaviour. Yes...I'm in serious mourning and self-loathing.

 

As to remorse...I had that realisation several months ago driving alone to play a soccer game. I started thinking about the incredible trust my wife used to have for me and how I'd ruined that, as well as destroyed trust across the board. I pulled over the car because I was crying like a baby and couldn't drive anymore. A few weeks later, I genuinely apologised to my wife for everything. I broke down in front of her because I could see the incredible pain in her eyes. She never deserved this and everytime I think of that night it's like somone is stabbing me in the gut.

 

So...I'm going through it ALL, and all I'm trying to do now is become a better person. I have learned a LOT because of my affair and will share that with anyone who wants to hear it.

[taylor]

 

Love is a choice...I think i buy that....

 

I must have googled this 10 times since the d-day looking up for definition of love. For now, I will go with "Love is an action. "

 

I'll buy both of those.

[65tr6]

..I genuinely apologised to my wife for everything. I broke down in front of her because I could see the incredible pain in her eyes. .

Your wife will probably remember this for rest of her life. You did a great thing.

 

..So...I'm going through it ALL, and all I'm trying to do now is become a better person. I have learned a LOT because of my affair and will share that with anyone who wants to hear it.

mind sharing some of that here ? What is that you are doing different to become a better person ?

[taylor]

...for overreacting. Bad day at work!

 

I'm in this phase right now because the double-whammy of the OW and I saying good-bye forever, as well as my wife saying "we're through" is where all the recent turmoil is coming from. It's made all of my actions in the past CRYSTAL CLEAR. How I've been selfish. How I've hurt all those around me. The fall-out of my selfish behaviour. Yes...I'm in serious mourning and self-loathing.

 

As to remorse...I had that realisation several months ago driving alone to play a soccer game. I started thinking about the incredible trust my wife used to have for me and how I'd ruined that, as well as destroyed trust across the board. I pulled over the car because I was crying like a baby and couldn't drive anymore. A few weeks later, I genuinely apologised to my wife for everything. I broke down in front of her because I could see the incredible pain in her eyes. She never deserved this and everytime I think of that night it's like somone is stabbing me in the gut.

 

So...I'm going through it ALL, and all I'm trying to do now is become a better person. I have learned a LOT because of my affair and will share that with anyone who wants to hear it.

 

DaBastert,

 

No need to apologize. I was quite concerned you and others may take my post in a way I wasn't intending. I was having some difficulties putting into words what I wanted to say.

 

I took some time to read thru your posts. I want to say I think it is very UNselfish of you to do what you did...to let BOTH women go while you sort things thru. You truly are thinking of their best interests, as well as your own, when you do this. There are so many MM who come on this forum and do the opposite..try to hold on to both women because they can't seem to let go, knowing all the while they are hurting both of them.

 

I truly hope you continue to post. Your story will go a long way to help others going thru the same thing. I also hope this forum will prove beneficial to you. Sorting thru and understanding the myriad of emotions after an affair is a daunting task. The withdrawal from losing a lover is awful. The guilt and remorse from hurting a spouse is torturous. The path ahead can be cluttered and confusing.

 

There are many posters here willing to offer support, a sympathetic ear, advice, etc. I found some posters here to be as insightful if not more insightful than my MC. The posters here have "held my hand" and helped me work thru the aftermath of my affair for almost a year now.

 

Hang in there...and hope your day gets better.

[LakesideDream]

How did my ex's escapades change me?

 

Well for starters I will NEVER marry or live with a man ever again,never,ever.

I will never leave myself open to being fiscally responsible for another man's bills.

Never again will I be chained to my desk at work while a person I support watches porn and surfs craig's list for women!

 

 

Soserious, I've followed your threads and posts. I hope you run into a guy who doesent need/want/or would allow you to be financially responsible for him. A guy who doesen't surf the net looking for women, a guy who doesen't do porno. An regular guy living a regular life.

 

A guy who is just as cynical and guarded as you are. Maybe for the same reasons.

 

With a little luck, if it happens the two of you can take awhile to grow on each other .... then carefully learn how to be together with someone again, and low and behold have a real chance at living happily ever after.

 

We are about the same age Soserious, what I've typed for you, works just as well for me. While neither of us has more than a small chance of finding what I outlined... however, the chance we both have is large enough to allow hope. Good Luck.

[Trialbyfire]

As an ex-BW, infidelity has had negative impact on me. It ripped my world apart and created a trust disconnect inside of me, which only recently, have I managed to resolve.

 

It taught me:

1. Never to settle.
   
2. That a relationship has to be perfect, before considering marriage again.
   
3. Always listen to my gut instinct over judgement, due to rationalizations.
   
4. Never trust blindly.
   
5. Never get involved with anyone with a mental illness.
   
6. People can be incredibly selfish.
   
7. It reinforced my distaste of cheating.
   

It also taught me that I can walk away from anything and anyone.

[taylor]

You are probably not giving yourself the credit that you deserve. May be it is matter of semantics here. You say you are wise but not changed. But the wisedom brings about that change. Change in your thinking, behavior.

 

It may be our road to recovery looks a little different.

 

I didn't have a bad marriage. My husband and I didn't do bad things to make our marriage deteriorate. We did not run the marriage into the ground by our behaviour. The marriage was not the source of my unhappiness. It wasn't dysfunctional. It wasn't a breeding ground for discontent.

 

Yet I was unhappy. I know now that that unhappiness came from within and it stemmed from self-esteem issues...loss of identity and loss of purpose issues...all inside me. I withdrew from my husband. He thought I stopped loving him. I didn't stop loving him. I stopped loving myself.

 

He didn't know what to do so he withdrew as well. I thought he stopped loving me.

 

We grew more distant, neither one of us with a clue as to what was happening or what to do about it. Since the affair, we both realize what the source of the problem was...ME...not him and not the marriage and not even our behaviors in the marriage.

 

The affair was a temporary fix to alleviate my own internal unhappiness. But it was the wrong solution. The solution was IC. And now, because of the affair, MC.

 

So, it's not so much I need to make changes to fix a rotten marriage (the marriage isn't rotten); but I need to make changes to fix me so that I can be happy in the marriage I have. Does this make sense?

 

The wisdom I learned from the affair is this: Affairs don't solve problems. They just create more of them.

 

The only change I will make in my marriage is to strengthen my resolve to never go down that path ever, ever again.

[Spark1111]

I agree with the wise Owl. I will never blindly trust again. I have lost that innocent, naivete that handed my heart over on a silver platter. Yes, love is blind! I work foremost in trusting myself now; my intuitions, my perceptions, my feelings and my boundaries. My WH had many issues, too, mostly depression and feelings of inadequacy, and the subsequent overcompensations for those feelings: out-of-control spending, some substance abuse, anger management problems before the A even began. These were the issues I begged him to address together in counseling because of its affects on our marriage. He had been systematically pushing me away, when he crashed into her. He is the person who has changed the most since reconciliation, and in MC, we are both being encouraged to communicate on a stronger level.

 

I realize this is not true for all affairs, but it is true in my case.

[Reggie]

It opened my eyes to what was all around me. I was living in a fantasy world thinking that cheating was uncommon. I now realize that it is the rule rather than the esception. I see it all the time,now.

 

On the WS remorse, I think this is a difficult thing for some BS's to grasp. One thing that goes through my mind whenhearing of WS remorse is"Yeah, but aren't you comforted with the fond memories of the affair, the pleasure and excitement.

 

As a BS, I think "yeah, during the time you were cheating and having that fun, I was home changing diapers, bathing kids, cooking dinner,etc." And, I have no fun, fond memories to fall back on. And, the WS does not have to doubt his or her desirability. He or she was being courted by two people. I have read that this is a big ego boost to some WS's, It ramps up when the BS starts feeling the panic and starts fallin all ove him/herself to win the love back. Must be a bit of a rush for the WS.

 

I understand that the WS has to deal with self recriminations and seeing the pain he or she caused. But, in many cases, the BS is feeling recriminations, too, thinking that he was deficient, theat he caused this and it is his fault.

 

And, there is the humiliation that comes from other people knowing and feeling like a fool.

 

Atleast the WS has expierienced the fun and can reflect on it.

[Trialbyfire]

It opened my eyes to what was all around me. I was living in a fantasy world thinking that cheating was uncommon. I now realize that it is the rule rather than the esception. I see it all the time,now.

I'm uncertain if it's the rule, rather than the exception but LS isn't a great place to gauge real life. It's full of people who have been cheated on or cheated. While sure, there's a large component of real life people who cheat but there's also a substantial percentage of people who haven't.

 

So...

 

For those of us who have had infidelity affect our lives in a negative fashion, we can either become one of the infidelists or we can continue to live up to our own personal moral code thus retain our self-respect. This also means that we have to be more careful about who we love and know that if it happens again, we're strong enough to walk away, middle fingers pointed high in the air!

[Dexter Morgan]

As an ex-BW, infidelity has had negative impact on me. It ripped my world apart and created a trust disconnect inside of me, which only recently, have I managed to resolve.

 

 

It taught me:

1. Never to settle.
   
2. That a relationship has to be perfect, before considering marriage again.
   
3. Always listen to my gut instinct over judgement, due to rationalizations.
   
4. Never trust blindly.
   
5. Never get involved with anyone with a mental illness.
   
6. People can be incredibly selfish.
   
7. It reinforced my distaste of cheating.
   

It also taught me that I can walk away from anything and anyone.

 

My sentiments exactly. But you know, some would call us "bitter" because of that. Oh well.

[OWoman]

How did the affair impact you ?

You think you are a better person now ? If so, how ?

You think you can sustain the changes you made for rest of your life ?

How did your beliefs change, if any ?

Do you think more and more folks are working through affairs given the resources that are available out there ?(I personally think this is a great website and helped me tremendously)

 

I've been in several As, but the last one did change me. Quite considerably.

 

I learned that there are people out there who are genuinely unselfish, who consider the needs of others ahead of their own, who take commitment seriously and who believe in facing the consequences of their actions.

 

I learned that when people love and care for someone, they go out of their way to demonstrate that support and caring, helping them through the hard times, and celebrating the good times with them, in very tangible and obvious ways.

 

I learned that removal from a toxic situation can cause significant changes to outlook, demeanour and behaviour in a very short time - and that a loving situation can help even the troubled or damaged to flourish.

 

I learned that I had a softer, gentler side and that I didn't need to have it all my way, all the time - even though I could.

 

I learned that integrity and respect and honesty and love were all possible at the same time in a R, and that it wasn't always a trade-off or a power game.

 

I learned that people care WHO you are, not WHAT you are.

 

But most significantly, I learned to trust, and to accept - and to enjoy

[Trialbyfire]

My sentiments exactly. But you know, some would call us "bitter" because of that. Oh well.

Can't say its bitterness since I can now trust my own instincts again.

 

My gut instinct about people is now batting 1000! Can't say the same about my judgements though. I've rationalized red flags down to yellow flags, just to be understanding and open-minded. Guess what? Big mistake! No more. If the gut kicks in, the person gets kicked out.

[65tr6]

That a relationship has to be perfect, before considering marriage again.

.

I agree with most but not this one. This is difficult to guage. And even if it is perfect, it is going to change anyway. Looking for perfection, are we ?

[65tr6]

Always listen to my gut instinct over judgement, due to rationalizations.

in hindsight this is so true. But then I dismissed it alteast twice never imagining that my own wife could not be trusted. Funny thing is, my instincts always were right in the past. Just overruled them when it mattered most.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with most but not this one. This is difficult to guage. And even if it is perfect, it is going to change anyway. Looking for perfection, are we ?

A perfect relationship in one couple's eyes, doesn't make it a perfect relationship for everyone else. It's about compatibility, particularly core values and within the confines of this thread, especially views about monogamy. If someone despises infidelity, who've never cheated or been an OM, they're more likely to succeed with me.

[taylor]

It opened my eyes to what was all around me. I was living in a fantasy world thinking that cheating was uncommon. I now realize that it is the rule rather than the esception. I see it all the time,now.

 

On the WS remorse, I think this is a difficult thing for some BS's to grasp. One thing that goes through my mind whenhearing of WS remorse is"Yeah, but aren't you comforted with the fond memories of the affair, the pleasure and excitement.

 

Of course an affair memory is going to be a good memory if nothing bad happened in the affair relationship.

 

But the remorse a WS feels in the aftermath taints that memory. The affair memory loses its luster once remorse sets in.

 

As a BS, I think "yeah, during the time you were cheating and having that fun, I was home changing diapers, bathing kids, cooking dinner,etc." And, I have no fun, fond memories to fall back on.

 

Sounds like what upset you most is you missed out on the fun. The thing is while the WS is out having affair fun, he/she misses out on what truly important..making good memories with family. While she was out having a meaningless relationship, you were bonding with your children. She's the one that really missed out. Ever think of it that way?

 

And, the WS does not have to doubt his or her desirability.

 

I can't speak for other WS but I know I had many doubts about my desireability...before, during and after the affair.

 

He or she was being courted by two people. I have read that this is a big ego boost to some WS's, It ramps up when the BS starts feeling the panic and starts fallin all ove him/herself to win the love back. Must be a bit of a rush for the WS.

 

Can't relate to this at all. When in the midst of my affair, I only felt "courted" by the OM. Interaction between my husband was either non-existant or negative.

 

When my husband tried to "win" me back, immediately following D-day, the only things I felt were guilt, pressure, and confusion. Definitely not a rush.

 

 

Atleast the WS has expierienced the fun and can reflect on it.

 

But they often pay for that fun 100-fold. The cost of that fun far outweighs the benefit.

[65tr6]

It may be our road to recovery looks a little different.

 

I didn't have a bad marriage. My husband and I didn't do bad things to make our marriage deteriorate. We did not run the marriage into the ground by our behaviour. The marriage was not the source of my unhappiness. It wasn't dysfunctional. It wasn't a breeding ground for discontent.

 

Yet I was unhappy. I know now that that unhappiness came from within and it stemmed from self-esteem issues...loss of identity and loss of purpose issues...all inside me. I withdrew from my husband. He thought I stopped loving him. I didn't stop loving him. I stopped loving myself.

 

 

Here is where i differ. It does not matter how you got there. What matters is you had an affair. You made a bad choice. So did my wife. I spent couple of weeks thinking, I forced my wife to end her affair and how I wish it had ended on its own. Now i think it does not matter. It does not matter how you got there as long as the affair ended and the WS is brought back to the reality - the sooner the better..

 

The fact of the matter is, it is was an affair. A despicable one (sorry dont mean to rub it in). What is important is how you and your husband handle it going forward. At the same time learning valuable lessons from the past. It is strange but I never believed in not repeating the same mistakes again. You know why ? Because I didnt want to make them in the first place. So, I always thought I should learn from others so I dont make those mistakes. Ofcourse I could not count on my wife to do that.

 

You were unhappy before, so what ? Most of us are. Learn from this and move forward. You said you marriage was not unhappy, would you say "you were happily married before" ? I know I wasnt.

 

Your husband and you may not have done bad things to have a bad marriage but then did you do good things to have a good marriage ? It may not have been dysfunctional but it wasnt ideal, was it ? (I am not judging you, just asking)

 

My point is it is very difficult to pin point to one reason that led to one's affair. It could be a combination of them. I dont think you should take all the blame on yourself for everything. I think it is healthy to agree that both of you made mistakes. I admit, I made quite a few. And I am willing to change. I am infact changing.

 

It is too early to say my wife has made changes. I know she is attempting but partially successful so far. But couple of months from now, who knows.

[65tr6]

As a BS, I think "yeah, during the time you were cheating and having that fun, I was home changing diapers, bathing kids, cooking dinner,etc." And, I have no fun, fond memories to fall back on. And, the WS does not have to doubt his or her desirability. He or she was being courted by two people. .

Reggie, you are being just a bit harsh here. I asked my wife the exact same question and the pain I could see in her eyes told me everything.

[taylor]

You said you marriage was not unhappy, would you say "you were happily married before" ? I know I wasnt.

 

Yes, 65tr6, my husband and I were very happily married until a series of events took place that changed the dynamic and changed me.

 

I don't want to go into all the details (I will spare you) but one event was the extended illness of one of my parents. I became the primary caregiver - a very difficult, demanding and stressful role. Those who have done it know what I am talking about. My marriage took a backseat to my caregiver roles for a number of years.

 

I also lost several people close to me and that shook my world.

 

There were several other such "life events" that occurred that had profound effects on me...my self-esteem and my identity.

 

All of this effected my marriage in a negative way.

 

Your husband and you may not have done bad things to have a bad marriage but then did you do good things to have a good marriage ? It may not have been dysfunctional but it wasnt ideal, was it ? (I am not judging you, just asking)

 

Yes, we did many things to have a good marriage. Everyone envied our marriage and my husband and I often said how lucky we were to have the kind of marriage we did.

 

But all that changed in a matter of a few years.What we did was we stopped making our marriage our number one priority. We let everything else take priority.

 

And when we noticed how distant we had become, we didn't take proper steps to reconnect. Instead, we let the frustration and resentment build. He went his way. I went mine..to avoid the pain.

 

And when I noticed I had my own issues to deal with, I didn't seek help. For a long time, I knew I wasn't happy but I couldn't figure out why. My husband couldn't figure out why, either. He thought I just stopped loving him. He lashed out. I withdrew. By the time the affair happened, it was easy to blame the marriage, but I know better now.

[Spark1111]

Reggie, you are being just a bit harsh here. I asked my wife the exact same question and the pain I could see in her eyes told me everything.

 

65, I disagree. As a BS working on reconciliation in both IC and MC, this has become in issue for me. I agree with Reggie in that these thoughts cause further resentment and need to be addressed in an effort to heal.

 

H did dress up, date, fall in love, and had wild sex with a new person who fell in love with him, while I worked two jobs, moved kids in and out of college, cleaned the house, etc. Under the guise of business trips, he took her away for fun weekends, bought her gifts, tried so hard to impress her. The issues of every affair can be different and similiar at the same time.

 

This wasn't just emails, texts, or quickies over coffee in parking lots on the way to work.

 

He took me nowhere, he barely took my phone calls. We did nothing, he was always too busy with work/her. He was angry and distant from me.

 

There is an element of an affair that is all highly-charged breathless excitement. For the spouse who is unknowingly home washing the dishes and paying the bills, it is just one more layer of pain to deal with.

 

And you know what? I get it. On my rational mature days, I understand how powerful that spark of attraction can be to have someone admire you when you are in a very low place and are seeking validation of your own self-worth. I get how it starts; not justifying, just trying to understanding.

 

But as a BS, those elements of courting the OM/OW still hurt to the core and don't go away without a lot of work.

 

Don't be harsh on Reggie. My WS,s remorse and guilt did not set in until busted when he stood to lose it all. Only then did he begin to realize the devastation he had caused. But for almost two years, he had a passionated love affair right out of a Hollywood romance and it still hurts to think of it.