Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 If somehow you could get away with cheating, either a one night stand or a long-standing affair, would you do it? If yes, why? And if no, why? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Never, ever!!!! I have been a cheater and would not go back to that lifestyle for the most beautiful woman (or women) on earth. The damage to myself alone would prevent me. I lost my self-esteem, my pride and my integrity, all for some strange pu**y. Financially, it has cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars in costs for the affairs and in divorce costs. The damage I have inflicted on familys and people I DON'T EVEN KNOW will take years to repair, if it can be repaired. I can concieve of nothing lower on the human scale than a man who steals anothers wife and mother of his children from her home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Never, ever!!!! I have been a cheater and would not go back to that lifestyle for the most beautiful woman (or women) on earth. The damage to myself alone would prevent me. I lost my self-esteem, my pride and my integrity, all for some strange pu**y. Financially, it has cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars in costs for the affairs and in divorce costs. The damage I have inflicted on familys and people I DON'T EVEN KNOW will take years to repair, if it can be repaired. I can concieve of nothing lower on the human scale than a man who steals anothers wife and mother of his children from her home. What caused you to cheat initially? It it wonderful that through that experience you have grown in that you won't repeat it. However you mention the fallout of your cheating - clearly this fallout only occured because the fact that you cheated became known. If no-one would ever find out - would you do it? Or are you saying that the damage to the self is enough of a deterant even if others are spared from the damage? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I agree with BoldJack, Just the loss of personal honor, self esteem, and integrity are not worth it. The fact that I can even identify with people who do that... makes me feel ill at times. That never goes away. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Most of my reasons were about simple, male arrogance. I am handsome, well-to-do, intelligent, and can be very charming. I truly believed that there was no woman I could not have. I had, until that time, been successful at just about everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Most of my reasons were about simple, male arrogance. I am handsome, well-to-do, intelligent, and can be very charming. I truly believed that there was no woman I could not have. I had, until that time, been successful at just about everything. So you've made quite a turn around really. You should be proud of that at least. Link to post Share on other sites
travelgirl Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I think you should post this on the dating or marriage forum. I think you are going to get a lot of NO's on this board since everyone here has either cheated or has been cheated on and know the affects it has done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 I agree with BoldJack, Just the loss of personal honor, self esteem, and integrity are not worth it. The fact that I can even identify with people who do that... makes me feel ill at times. That never goes away. I agree actually that the most devestation comes back to the self. The damage done to others is obviously phenominal but the damage that comes back to the self hurts all the more because it is FROM the self. It is self-inflicted. So you have to accept that not only did you hurt other people, but you also hurt yourself. I also think if you know you are capable of something, you forever look at people with a little more of a skewed eye wondering if they too are capable of what you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 I think you should post this on the dating or marriage forum. I think you are going to get a lot of NO's on this board since everyone here has either cheated or has been cheated on and know the affects it has done. Good idea. Can I just repeat the post or should I have it moved? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I'm not proud of anything. If I live to be 100 I can't repair things I've done. I am what I am( only a very, very, much humbler version). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 I'm not proud of anything. If I live to be 100 I can't repair things I've done. I am what I am( only a very, very, much humbler version). Well I personally believe it's not really about pride or shame. We are all human and in one way or another we all do bad things, as well as good. We sometimes do things we never believed that we were capable of. And for all different reasons. Before the event or in hindsite, it is easy to think, 'oh I shouldn't have done that', 'oh I was not myself at this time' or 'I should have been stronger' or a whole host of other things. But in the moment - that isn't there. And nothing can be changed now it is done. We can all just learn from what we do - that is really all there is. And the hardest lessons to learn are the ones about the self. Learning about our own weaknesses and our own strengths. Exploring the light and the dark of ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I agree actually that the most devestation comes back to the self. The damage done to others is obviously phenominal but the damage that comes back to the self hurts all the more because it is FROM the self. It is self-inflicted. So you have to accept that not only did you hurt other people, but you also hurt yourself. I also think if you know you are capable of something, you forever look at people with a little more of a skewed eye wondering if they too are capable of what you are. I have a lot of self esteem, almost to the point of arrogance. That part was probably my most fatal flaw. I hurt some people in what I did, and I regret that. What haunts me the most though... is knowing that I CAN cross that line. That I am someone who can break promises and betray trusts. Trusting others is not something I lost. I have always understood that 90% of the population are selfish twats, and I never trusted their intentions. Knowing I am one of them... that sucks way more. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I agree with BoldJack, Just the loss of personal honor, self esteem, and integrity are not worth it. The fact that I can even identify with people who do that... makes me feel ill at times. That never goes away. Absolutely. Even if your partner never found out, YOU still have to live with your actions eventually. Also- why would you want to? If you are in a good healthy stable R, the desire to keep your R that way should by far and away outweigh any desires to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 I have a lot of self esteem, almost to the point of arrogance. That part was probably my most fatal flaw. I hurt some people in what I did, and I regret that. What haunts me the most though... is knowing that I CAN cross that line. That I am someone who can break promises and betray trusts. Trusting others is not something I lost. I have always understood that 90% of the population are selfish twats, and I never trusted their intentions. Knowing I am one of them... that sucks way more. I fully understand what you are saying. I think most of us are capable of some very dark things. We all have the capacity for good and evil. A lot of us are capable of things that we disagree with or deplore in other people. But I do think sometimes we need to go into that darkness. Until we do, it is just a shadow we are aware of that we ignore. Sometimes through doing something bad, you truly learn so much about you and yes it may be bad...but it is crucial to know. Definately I think through the arrogance then comes the dissiullusionment that you somehow failed yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Absolutely. Even if your partner never found out, YOU still have to live with your actions eventually. Also- why would you want to? If you are in a good healthy stable R, the desire to keep your R that way should by far and away outweigh any desires to cheat. I agree. But I know there must be some who don't. I think there are many people who WOULD cheat or at least consider it, but few who would admit to that. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Yes, it's all about learning. And what we learn, we teach. I think that's why I'm so hard on cheaters, who want to reconcile, without full disclosure. A relationship built on lies is doomed, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Yes, it's all about learning. And what we learn, we teach. I think that's why I'm so hard on cheaters, who want to reconcile, without full disclosure. A relationship built on lies is doomed, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I think honesty is essential to recover from cheating. Lies just lead to uncertainty and an inability to fully trust, forgive or accept what happened. The truth hurts but lies hurt far more in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I don't find anyone else other than my H attractive. I have not cheated per se, but have been in a position where things were not so well defined, and the resultant headaches and dramas were enough to put me off that kind of rubbish. And it wasn't "exploring the dark side"- it was immature, kid in a candy shop behaviour born out of a low self esteem and the feeling that settling meant you might miss out on a better option. Perhaps as you get older you will value different things in a R, and therefore appreciate them more when you get them. I learned the hard way what constitutes a good R for me, and TRUST is a huge part of that- my H and I have alot of trust, and I wouldn't do anything to breach that. i have had enough R drama for one lifetime, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 I don't find anyone else other than my H attractive. I have not cheated per se, but have been in a position where things were not so well defined, and the resultant headaches and dramas were enough to put me off that kind of rubbish. And it wasn't "exploring the dark side"- it was immature, kid in a candy shop behaviour born out of a low self esteem and the feeling that settling meant you might miss out on a better option. Perhaps as you get older you will value different things in a R, and therefore appreciate them more when you get them. I learned the hard way what constitutes a good R for mr, and TRUST is a huge part of that- my H and I have alot of trust, and I wouldn't do anything to breach that. i have had enough R drama for one lifetime, thanks. Perhaps this is one crucial difference. Some people could do without the headaches, but many enjoy a certain amount of drama. They find it exciting. And they crave the attention it brings. And I think low self-esteem is part of a dark side. When you have low self-esteem, I think you often lose sight of a lot of things. When you are that low in yourself, you tend to think only about yourself, because it is painful and it hurts to have low self-esteem. You are seeking a validation or something to make you feel valued and important. As such you can depending on who you are, do all sorts of things, because the focus is solely on you, and not another person. So I do think low self-esteem is a dark quality. By dark side I don't mean evil, darth vader type stuff just aspects of ourselves that are more confusing, more uncomfortable, more alien perhaps? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Low self-esteem and arogance are two sides of the same coin. Self-worth. I truly didn't believe that anyone was as good as me. When I look back, I remind myself of some kind of Fascist, the prime example of White American culture. lol What a hoot. My Dad told me , before he died , that I had turned out a pretty good man. He never did any of the bad things I did, I will never be his equal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 It's not really about being better or worse. It's not really about judgement and persecution. As you say it's about self-worth and when are self-worth gets out of hand - so do we. Either we think we are inferior or superior - both of which are untrue. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 If somehow you could get away with cheating, either a one night stand or a long-standing affair, would you do it? If yes, why? And if no, why? Had about 3 chances on a few business trips, and no, I didn't do it. Why? Because I loved my wife and thought she loved me. And my family was more important than anything. if I was not married but simply committed to someone, no, nothing would have changed. Never cheated never will. cheaters disgust me and I refuse to lower myself to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Had about 3 chances on a few business trips, and no, I didn't do it. Why? Because I loved my wife and thought she loved me. And my family was more important than anything. if I was not married but simply committed to someone, no, nothing would have changed. Never cheated never will. cheaters disgust me and I refuse to lower myself to that. Did you have the temptation to? Or none whatsoever? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 And if no, why? I wouldn't cheat on my BF. I'd break up with him first if I developed an attraction for someone else. I need to be attracted to the person I am sleeping with. I am very satisfied in our relationship and I view what we have as special. I'm not even tempted to cheat with anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 sometimes, when i'm really pissed at DH, I think about it, but the reality is, I could never cheat on him. 1. he's what I want, brokedick and all 2. good, healthy Mexican Catholic guilt complex kills off any fantasies 3. I like what I have with him, especially the part where he trusts me explicitly when it comes to sexual fidelity. And it makes me free, in a sense. Link to post Share on other sites
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