If you could get away with cheating, would you do it?

[JamesM]

I really don't think it comes down to whether you are male or female. Both genders feel DESIRE.

 

True, but (and not to knock men as stupid), but men tend to quicker let their physical desire for sex overrule their rational mind.

 

It is not to say men automatically will cheat when given the opportunity, but many men cannot think beyond today's moment of pleasure.

 

Women tend to look at the whole picture. Although it is true that while women tend not to let physical desires take over, they ARE more likely to "fall into" an emotional affair as it will fill their emotional desires.

 

The question then is...do more affairs happen with one person being single and one married or do more happen with both being married?

[JamesM]

I would not cheat on my man. He is soooo good to me, and just picturing the expression on his sweet face if he knew would be enough to keep me from doing it, even if I had the inclination, which I do not.

 

Hello, donna, been awhile.

 

Interesting words. My wife has said almost the identical words to me. She said she couldn't cheat because she knew how much it would hurt me.

 

The question is...is that because of "pity" or is it because of love?

[kinkasaurus-rex]

no, I would not because I am being cheated on right now and have been cheated on and it hurts like hell. there are too many emotions at stake. This isn't a movie, this is real life. Cheating is dishonest and disrespectful.

[Nikki Sahagin]

True, but (and not to knock men as stupid), but men tend to quicker let their physical desire for sex overrule their rational mind.

 

It is not to say men automatically will cheat when given the opportunity, but many men cannot think beyond today's moment of pleasure.

 

Women tend to look at the whole picture. Although it is true that while women tend not to let physical desires take over, they ARE more likely to "fall into" an emotional affair as it will fill their emotional desires.

 

The question then is...do more affairs happen with one person being single and one married or do more happen with both being married?

 

I find it interesting then that women are known as the weaker sex, or the less rational, logical of the two genders, if it is true that men are more likely to give in to desire (as such this is a weakness) and also irrational and illogical as desire is. I don't think it is that men are less able to fight off or resist desire, it is perhaps going back to that old fact of life that men can get away with it more easily.

 

For instance if a woman is on the brink of cheating, she may consider the fallout as being more against her than it would be on her husband. Even if a single woman is considering sleeping around, it may hit her, "wait people will say i'm a *insert nasty word*" as such her desires will clash with others view of her in a negative way leading her to feel conflicted. If a man wanted to sleep around he would most likely not have that barrier whereby society would punish him. Alternatively, soceity would actually cheer and reward him. He would actually be validated not punished for this. As such it is a win-win situation. His desire and society's view of him would go hand in hand. No conflict or clash.

 

Though obviously there is fallout for WHOEVER cheats, I still think people are quicker to make excuses or forgive men when they cheat. It's still seen as something natural in men. Actually monogamy is not natural in ANYONE. From an evolutionary perspective men are programmed to impregnate as many women as possible and women are programmed to find a suitable partner for children. HOWEVER, it is common in nature for women to have children by ONE male (genetically the strongest etc.) but let the children be raised by a more caring male. As such the female also has an urge to sleep around to get pregnant. She just allows one male to raise the children. As such monogamy is not actually natural for men OR women but certainly more expected in one than the other. It is however, a complete fallicy. Anyone, male or female, can have the desire for another person or cheat. Lust and desire are neutral feelings. They are not gender specific.

 

As for your question I am unsure. A single person could perhaps lure a married person more easily but 2 married people could bond over the inadaquecies in their own marriage.

 

Controversially i'm going to throw out that I think marriage will make a person MORE not less inclined to cheat. I know not all people see it this way, as such it is just my opinion, but I see marriage as an infringement of freedom. You tie yourself into a contact. I love the idea of committment to a partner, but I think every day you should make the conscious decision that you want to stay with this person through hell or highwater, without the failsafe of a piece of paper. I think that piece of paper keeps too many people trapped in relationships they would otherwise have left. The fact that you are NOT married means you SHOULD (not necessarily that you will) realise that you should always do your best for that person, because they have the freedom to leave you at any time. When married, many couples take each other for granted because a piece of paper says they are there's forever and as such there is no incentive or motivation to keep them interested. This is not to say this is how it is for all, just my views!

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hello, donna, been awhile.

 

Interesting words. My wife has said almost the identical words to me. She said she couldn't cheat because she knew how much it would hurt me.

 

The question is...is that because of "pity" or is it because of love?

 

I would say it's pity. I mean say if you said to your wife that you GENUINELY wouldn't mind if she cheated on you, would she then consider doing it? Or if the question was reversed, would you? If you knew she wouldn't mind or care and vice versa - would you do it? If yes, then it is only feelings of guilt or pity or a feeling of being a bad guy holding you back. But if no, then there is something deeper stopping you? Maybe no-one's got your interest or you seriously do fancy no-one but your partner? I think it's usually we don't want done to us what we have the capacity to do to another. If you cheat then part of you must achknowledge your partner is capable of the same. After all, YOU loved them, but cheated, so they could do the same right?

 

I think love is a vast spectrum. Pity is definately covered in it. It's like the feeling of hurting a small animal. Not nice to hear that you are pitied - but yes definately part of it I think! Also the thought of being responsible for that persons pain.

[carhill]

I still think people are quicker to make excuses or forgive men when they cheat. It's still seen as something natural in men.

As a microcosm of the larger world, would you say your readings of LS support that opinion? Do you think the male cheaters here receive more sympathy/support than those who are female? Do you think they are forgiven?

 

Topically, my honest answer would be I don't know. Psychologically, I can't process attraction into physical/emotional behaviors without familiarity, which takes time and space. So, the person would have to be someone I knew well and had lots of contact with. That dynamic brings them into the context of friend, most likely a friend of the marriage, since my wife and I share friends. I'd likely have a difficult time with a PA, though an EA would be easier, though signs of such intimacy would still be evident. So, situationally, I'd say "likely" to EA and "unlikely" to PA, using strict LS rules for both.

[Nikki Sahagin]

As a microcosm of the larger world, would you say your readings of LS support that opinion? Do you think the male cheaters here receive more sympathy/support than those who are female? Do you think they are forgiven?

 

Topically, my honest answer would be I don't know. Psychologically, I can't process attraction into physical/emotional behaviors without familiarity, which takes time and space. So, the person would have to be someone I knew well and had lots of contact with. That dynamic brings them into the context of friend, most likely a friend of the marriage, since my wife and I share friends. I'd likely have a difficult time with a PA, though an EA would be easier, though signs of such intimacy would still be evident. So, situationally, I'd say "likely" to EA and "unlikely" to PA, using strict LS rules for both.

 

Do you know Carhill I am not sure. As I said, everything I say is just an opinion. I think it's impossible to ground statements about love and relationships in truth. It's too vast and unpredictable. What I do notice on this forum is many men being jilted in middle age which suprised me, as I thought it would be more of the men doing the jilting. I think women that leave men are seen as more cold-hearted and selfish, whereas men that leave are seen as being free and independent. Also I think a lot of blame and responsibility is placed on the woman having to be eternally attractive, sexy and accomodating - otherwise she will lose her man. Whereas I don't think men feel that same pressure to always have to be attractive or sexy or talkative to keep their woman...I may be wrong????

[Dexter Morgan]

I still think people are quicker to make excuses or forgive men when they cheat. It's still seen as something natural in men.

 

??? Really? I always hear that when a man cheats he is a lying dirty scumbag, and rightfully so.

 

I hear alot of times when a woman does, that it should be understood that there was a "reason" she did so and she was pushed to it.

[Nikki Sahagin]

??? Really? I always hear that when a man cheats he is a lying dirty scumbag, and rightfully so.

 

I hear alot of times when a woman does, that it should be understood that there was a "reason" she did so and she was pushed to it.

 

Perhaps you are right. But I think women tend to forgive men more whereas men are more reluctant to forgive a cheating spouse. But as I said it's so hard to generalise in relationships I think. Matters of the heart are too complicated to be black or white! But yes you're right, there is the matter that women are considered to cheat 'for a reason' whereas men supposedly cheat 'without a reason'.

[Dexter Morgan]

But yes you're right, there is the matter that women are considered to cheat 'for a reason' whereas men supposedly cheat 'without a reason'.

 

So does that mean you think women are justified in their cheating?

[grogster]

I agree with Dexter. Husbands are often pilloried for exiting a marriage for superficial reasons like sex and intimacy. While wives are often viewed as possessing good cause for leaving/cheating: hubby's drugs, drink, abuse, porn, etc.

 

Now in both cases the presumptions are rebuttable. Still, wives, unless they're photographed naked with the Dallas Cowboy D-line, receive the benefit of the doubt.

 

I suspect this is the conventional wisdom.

[JamesM]

I agree with Dexter. Husbands are often pilloried for exiting a marriage for superficial reasons like sex and intimacy. While wives are often viewed as possessing good cause for leaving/cheating: hubby's drugs, drink, abuse, porn, etc.

 

Now in both cases the presumptions are rebuttable. Still, wives, unless they're photographed naked with the Dallas Cowboy D-line, receive the benefit of the doubt.

 

I suspect this is the conventional wisdom.

 

Well said.

 

We read posts here on LS all of the time that support your conclusions.

 

I know of a young woman who divorced her husband because of his porn addiction. She was viewed with sympathy and understanding. Yet how many husbands who divorced because of forced celibacy would get such sympathy? I doubt any.

[Nikki Sahagin]

So does that mean you think women are justified in their cheating?

 

No, definately not. I think people ASSUME men cheat for visual reasons and women for emotional reasons. I don't believe all do. Some men go to a prostitute for a cuddle and a chat. Some women go after a man for the danger, the thrill and passionate sex. Not all women go for emotion, and not all men go for sex. I just think that's a general rule of thumb. Also I think you can't justify emotional cheating because it's still a need isn't it? If someone cheats for sex then that is a physical need, just as if you cheat for emotional reasons, having emotions fulfilled is also a need (if that made sense!). I think going to anyone outside of your marriage to fulfill ANY need is as bad whether it be for the sex or the emotional intimacy. I just think it's easier to be able to justify emotional needs than it is to justify lust.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Well said.

 

We read posts here on LS all of the time that support your conclusions.

 

I know of a young woman who divorced her husband because of his porn addiction. She was viewed with sympathy and understanding. Yet how many husbands who divorced because of forced celibacy would get such sympathy? I doubt any.

 

I agree with this. I have been on the 'forced celibacy' side and it's HORRIBLE. Actual torture. And my boyfriends been on the 'woman's side' of feeling pressured and forced which is then in itself a turnoff. But I think this 'reversal of roles' as it were adds a lot more insight and tolerance into the other side of things.

[grogster]

Well said.

 

We read posts here on LS all of the time that support your conclusions.

 

I know of a young woman who divorced her husband because of his porn addiction. She was viewed with sympathy and understanding. Yet how many husbands who divorced because of forced celibacy would get such sympathy? I doubt any.

 

 

Very apt. I suspect that the divorcing coerced celibates are viewed as lacking good cause because it's simply lack of sex (not love) as opposed to the wife of the porn addict who's being "replaced" or her husband being "stimulated" (sexually speaking) by representations of other women.

 

The wife still "loves" and "cares" for her husband, but she can't express her sexuality with him. While the porn fanboy husband expresses his sexuality with women (even if only representations) other than his wife.

 

A faithful wife who regularly denies her spouse sex is viewed as more sympathethtic than the porn addled husband who masterbates to YouPorn. Why? Because she's not having or wanting to have sex with anyone outside of marriage. I suspect it all has to do with sex, fidelity and the wife's monopoly over her husband's sexuality.

[Meaplus3]

If somehow you could get away with cheating, either a one night stand or a long-standing affair, would you do it?

 

If yes, why?

 

And if no, why?

 

Never again. I learned the hard way by having an ea with a mm while I was a MW. Nothing good can come from cheating and I was a very big fool to ever think for one minute that cheating was a way to find happiness. Cheating ruins lives.

 

Mea:)

[soserious1]

Very apt. I suspect that the divorcing coerced celibates are viewed as lacking good cause because it's simply lack of sex (not love) as opposed to the wife of the porn addict who's being "replaced" or her husband being "stimulated" (sexually speaking) by representations of other women.

 

The wife still "loves" and "cares" for her husband, but she can't express her sexuality with him. While the porn fanboy husband expresses his sexuality with women (even if only representations) other than his wife.

 

A faithful wife who regularly denies her spouse sex is viewed as more sympathethtic than the porn addled husband who masterbates to YouPorn. Why? Because she's not having or wanting to have sex with anyone outside of marriage. I suspect it all has to do with sex, fidelity and the wife's monopoly over her husband's sexuality.

 

I divorced a man for both his online activities and his real time dailances. Our marriage was sexless by his choice.

 

In announcing our divorce I've told almost nobody the real reasons, I've simply cited that we were no longer compatible and let it go at that. Who really sits down and blathers to to everybody they know that their spouse

found them to be so undesirable that they refused to have sex?

 

I personally feel deep shame in the fact that my husband found me so physically undesirable that he'd rather make love to his hand than be with me. Why would I "tell" such sordid things to anybody in my real time life, it's shameful.

[Trialbyfire]

Every person has their moral boundaries. Some have none at all.

 

I honestly can't imagine cheating on anyone. How do you live with yourself when you do this? It would tear me apart to have to live a lie.

[ForumFool]

Well, I could have and didn't.......I wish I had now....looking back I wish I had....I avoided the man for two years.......known him 5 and what did it get me......a creep of a husband who was on sex sites and not allowing me the medical care I needed while he had secret credit cards he ran up and paid for......while I cooked and cleaned and was alone and lonely....Though I would feel VERY guity about the dudes wife.....I dunno sometimes crime kinda pays....

[MsPrada]

I think there are a lot of people who would cheat if they could get away with it and just wont admit it..or just havent been in the situation and had to fight the temptation..

[Woggle]

I could have gotten away with cheating with a MW but I didn't. I couldn't live with myself if I did something like that.

[PinkKittyKat]

I think there are a lot of people who would cheat if they could get away with it and just wont admit it..or just havent been in the situation and had to fight the temptation..

 

Why wouldn't people admit it on an internet forum? Speaking as someone who HAS cheated in the past, I can unequivocally say NEVER AGAIN, and mean it. It wrecks sh|t up. I still have to deal with the guilt every day from doing that to exes who didn't deserve it.

 

I could never betray my bf in that way.

[PinkKittyKat]

Temptation is a daily occurrence. Whether it is drugs, alcohol, or sex with someone outside of marriage. We are tempted when we are overweight and want the donuts anyway. We are tempted when someone pisses us off, not to punch their lights out(oh wait, maybe that's just me:p). So for you to assume you are somehow special in being tempted by someone who isn't your significant other is to also assume the rest of us are dead.

 

I believe some people in certain situations are honestly not tempted by sex with another.

 

Same as how some people are tempted by gambling, and some just don't see the draw.

 

The worst I've ever tempted to do to my current bf is punch him in the face when he's being a jerk, but I never would.

 

I have always been tempted in other relationships to cheat, from beginning to end... this one, not at all. The idea of someone else against my body is revolting. It actually fills me with distaste. No matter how "hot" the person is, or available or whatnot.

 

I know I'm only 2 years in, and that may change, but the fact remains I can answer that question NOW, honestly as "No".

[Lizzie60]

Why wouldn't people admit it on an internet forum? Speaking as someone who HAS cheated in the past, I can unequivocally say NEVER AGAIN, and mean it. It wrecks sh|t up. I still have to deal with the guilt every day from doing that to exes who didn't deserve it.

 

I could never betray my bf in that way.

 

Are you kidding? A LOT of people on LS have cheated but still say they never did.. because they always said they would NEVER EVER cheat.. and/or some have a reputation on LS and don't want to ruin it.. simple as that..

[Trimmer]

Are you kidding? A LOT of people on LS have cheated but still say they never did.. because they always said they would NEVER EVER cheat.. and/or some have a reputation on LS and don't want to ruin it.. simple as that..

And your evidence for this conclusion is: well, they said they would never cheat, so if they did cheat, they would be uncomfortable admitting it, so they wouldn't admit it; so if someone doesn't admit cheating, then they must be cheating. And a lot of people say they wouldn't cheat, therefore, a lot of them must be cheating and not admitting it....

 

Simple as that.