Sands_of_time Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I agree. But I know there must be some who don't. I think there are many people who WOULD cheat or at least consider it, but few who would admit to that. Nikki--good question. I think you are right, some would cheat but not admit it. There seems to be different mindsets depending on where you are at in the world. What I mean is, if you've never danced with the devil there seems to be a mindset that... "it wouldn't cause any real damage if I just get a little teensy action on the side. I'm not looking to hurt anyone or do it for long term. I just want to spice up my life for just a brief moment. I'm a decent person and have done right by the world in many aspects of my life. So, to me, I know it's not the greatest decision but I just want to have a little fun!" But a different set of thoughts and feelings come into play if you are in a different place in the world (ie. have been down the cheating road, whether you are the WS or BS). Many BS's go into a deep, dark and dirty place after D-Day. It's certainly not the kind of place that is talked about at cocktail parties. It's that powerful of an place/emotion. Cheating stings right through to a person's core and the pain resonates like a tuning fork throughout your body and affects EVERY aspect of your life (work, personal relationships, libido..etc). After the initial "high" of getting a little action on the side, the WS has to deal with the shame and guilt--FOREVER. Even if you don't get caught you will more than likely feel what psychologists call cognitive dissonance (I know it's psycho-babble but it rings true). When you know you are doing something wrong but you do it anyway you get confused because your mind is telling you two different stories at the same time. Once you go down that path you can NEVER turn back and undo what you did. It's permanent. Even if you don't get caught. And sometimes the shame and guilt are so powerful that they feel the need to get if off their chest and tell their BS about it so they can relieve themself of the guilty feeling. If you've been down a road that causes significant pain, we will generally do what we can to avoid that same pain again in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Did you have the temptation to? Or none whatsoever? No temptation whatsoever. Sure it was flattering and they were attractive, but no temptation. Easily walked away from. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 No temptation whatsoever. Sure it was flattering and they were attractive, but no temptation. Easily walked away from. I'm with you on this one. Nothing is worth stooping that low. Link to post Share on other sites
scared_hope Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I feel as if cheating happens for a reason. Usually the reason is you are unhappy. The situations to be happy isnt always up to you; not when you're married or in a really commited relationship. However, it is worth trying. It's your responsibility to tell your partner how you are feeling, if you can't work it out, it is nesecary for you to suggest couples counseling...even go as far to find one, even if you have to do it alone. if they refuse to attend, then it is no longer in your hands. go ahead end it. if that means you tell them you want out but youre still legally married and you find someone that might be worth it to you, then go for it because you just can't spend the rest of your life loving someone that won't show they love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Never, never never. It comes down to respect. For myself and for my partner. I'm committed to him, and he's committed to me. And don't think the opportunity hasn't presented itself, for both of us. But I'm completely with Dexter here. Not tempted. not even. And I can categorically state without any shadow of a doubt that the same goes for my fellah. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I feel as if cheating happens for a reason. Usually the reason is you are unhappy. Then why stay with that person? I wasn't completely happy in my marriage and didn't get all my needs met, but I'd still never cheat. I take it you have cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Then why stay with that person? I wasn't completely happy in my marriage and didn't get all my needs met, but I'd still never cheat. I take it you have cheated. I don't agree with cheating but I can see there may be many reasons for it. It's easier to feel superior if you haven't done something but I don't think cheating actually makes for a bad person. Maybe I have an unusual view of it i'm not sure....in a way I do see there are justifications and excuses....but I think there can be for everything in a way. It's just whether someone is able to accept those excuses or justifications. People vary and people are all on various stages of the ladder of life. As I mentioned earlier some people when unhappy feel the blame IS on their partner, whether this is rational or not, and as such, alleviate some of the guilt and the blame that belongs to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I think it's how you view cheating. If you're strongly against it, you won't do it, regardless of needs met or not. I see cheating as worse than theft. At least theft is over and done with. Cheating is a form of emotional abuse whereby the impacts can last a lifetime and can have a ripple effect through the generations, when children are involved. If children are exposed to parental cheating and the lying involved, do you suppose they're not emotionally scarred by it? And all this for that moment or two of selfish desire? How bad is that, to risk it all for essentially nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I don't agree with cheating but I can see there may be many reasons for it. It's easier to feel superior if you haven't done something but I don't think cheating actually makes for a bad person. well it sure doesn't make them an angel for betraying someone in one of the worst ways possible. Maybe I have an unusual view of it i'm not sure....in a way I do see there are justifications and excuses....but I think there can be for everything in a way. It's just whether someone is able to accept those excuses or justifications. People vary and people are all on various stages of the ladder of life. As I mentioned earlier some people when unhappy feel the blame IS on their partner, whether this is rational or not, and as such, alleviate some of the guilt and the blame that belongs to them. If I am unhappy, why would I cheat? If I did it would be because I'm a turd. What is it about people that cheat because they are unhappy, but then come home to their SO as if they still give a crap? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 well it sure doesn't make them an angel for betraying someone in one of the worst ways possible. If I am unhappy, why would I cheat? If I did it would be because I'm a turd. What is it about people that cheat because they are unhappy, but then come home to their SO as if they still give a crap? I think it is very complicated. I don't agree with it at all - but yet something in me seems to see some sort of reason within it....weird I know! But I think if you haven't done it, then you can't really explain the why's and wherefores of the emotions and thoughts (or lack thereof) that goes into the process of cheating. Also we all have our moments of weakness in different ways and sometimes it takes a person to do something like this to really develop into someone who would never do anything like it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 If somehow you could get away with cheating, either a one night stand or a long-standing affair, would you do it? If yes, why? And if no, why? No. My opinion of myself means too much to me. It's why I also wouldn't ever steal or anything like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 No. My opinion of myself means too much to me. It's why I also wouldn't ever steal or anything like that. Interesting you mentioned stealing. I definately think that if you aren't the type to cheat, then you aren't the type to steal or to partake in other types of behaviours. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Interesting you mentioned stealing. I definately think that if you aren't the type to cheat, then you aren't the type to steal or to partake in other types of behaviours. Ba da bing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I once heard or read (I forgot) that 99.9% of men would cheat, given the opportunity and knowing they would NEVER get caught.. I'm convinced that MOST men would (99.9999999%). Those who say they would NEVER cheat, given the opportunity and would NEVER get caught.. are BS'ing.. IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I once heard or read (I forgot) that 99.9% of men would cheat, given the opportunity and knowing they would NEVER get caught.. I'm convinced that MOST men would (99.9999999%). Those who say they would NEVER cheat, given the opportunity and would NEVER get caught.. are BS'ing.. IMO. So you know all 3 billion men? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I think it is very complicated. I don't agree with it at all - but yet something in me seems to see some sort of reason within it.... You do understand, don't you, that cheating is a symptom of something going awry in the relationship? It's not the direct cause of the hiatus, although it's often the reason for the break-up. But if a partner cheats, there's already an issue within the relationship. Cheating is a secondary symptom. The root cause already existed. Link to post Share on other sites
scared_hope Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 actually no i havent. Link to post Share on other sites
scared_hope Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 actually no i havent. but that doesnt mean i dont understand why others have. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I once heard or read (I forgot) that 99.9% of men would cheat, given the opportunity and knowing they would NEVER get caught.. I'm convinced that MOST men would (99.9999999%). Those who say they would NEVER cheat, given the opportunity and would NEVER get caught.. are BS'ing.. IMO. I don't know about 99.99%, but overall I'm with Lizzie on this one. I think if given the chance and absolute guaranty that they wouldn't be caught, more men would than wouldn't. Just my opinion... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 You do understand, don't you, that cheating is a symptom of something going awry in the relationship? It's not the direct cause of the hiatus, although it's often the reason for the break-up. But if a partner cheats, there's already an issue within the relationship. Cheating is a secondary symptom. The root cause already existed. Yes I do and that's why I seem to find 'excuses' because I think when people face problems, conflicts or troubles - people cope or don't cope in all different ways. It was mentioned somewhere that cheaters are usually conflict avoiders and I think this makes a lot of sense. Maybe you are a poor communicator and you have a lot of issues and concerns within the relationship but feel you cannot communicate them or even worse, that when you do, your partner doesn't get it. Then a feeling of being misunderstood or stifled sets in. These aren't 'excuses' as such I am making but I do feel there is a sort of snowball effect that causes these things to happen, as you say, when there is already a root cause in the relationship itself. Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I once heard or read (I forgot) that 99.9% of men would cheat, given the opportunity and knowing they would NEVER get caught.. I'm convinced that MOST men would (99.9999999%). Those who say they would NEVER cheat, given the opportunity and would NEVER get caught.. are BS'ing.. IMO. And then maybe there are those that actually love/respect their spouse so they wouldn't do it even if given the chance. At the end of this life, we all get older, me & you. I would hope, if I had a faithful spouse, that our love would go beyond looks/sex. That he wouldn't just have sex because he wouldn't get caught - but because he doesn't want to. Yes we all look at other people, but even I do see an attractive man, and he comes on to me, I still have respect for myself and my spouse to know I'm married and wouldn't stoop to that level no matter how good-looking he is. I just don't understand people who can't go beyond the superficial level of looks/sex but really want that deep love that comes with knowing/caring about/loving/respecting someone. As usual with cheaters, they would cheat if they knew they wouldn't get caught. It is about me, me, me with no thoughts of anyone else they may be hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Then I am happy to be in that 0.00000001 percent Lizzie and Reggie. Having worked in SE Asia for a while (about 18 months) I had more than a few opportunities to bed desperate women. With NO chance of ever being caught. None. Hell, it was expected that the foreign workers would poke a few locals. Didn't. Its called respect. For my W. For M. For myself. Character does in fact mean something. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 If somehow you could get away with cheating, either a one night stand or a long-standing affair, would you do it? If yes, why? And if no, why? Nope. I've cheated in relationships when I was younger. Actually when I think about it I cheated in almost every single relationship I had - but it's been over 3 years since I indulged. It just made me feel like an a*shole, which is what I was being, so that was pretty appropriate. Also I've gotten to the point where I much prefer the intimacy during the act that comes when you have an actual relationship with the person you are having sex with. Looking back I think I tended to prefer sex without intimacy when I was younger because I was terrified of intimacy and what it entailed, and I was overtly sexual and I flaunted my sexuality because I lacked a feeling of inner worth. My entire life had been defined by how men viewed me as a sexual object, and I didn't really value myself as a human being. Thank God I feel differently now. And I tend to think that the infidelity rates are so high because people don't really value themselves as human beings for whatever reason, and are thus morally bereft and lack a moral compass. It's really a reflection of the devolution of society as a whole IMO. Not that fidelity is necessarily something that we are all capable of, but realistically we should all be able to honor commitments that we make, if only to feel good about ourselves, and if you know that you are unable to do so - why, then, don't bother to make the commitment! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 If somehow you could get away with cheating, either a one night stand or a long-standing affair, would you do it? yes If yes, why? because i'm male Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I once heard or read (I forgot) that 99.9% of men would cheat, given the opportunity and knowing they would NEVER get caught.. Then I'm glad to be in that .1% Link to post Share on other sites
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