If you could get away with cheating, would you do it?

[Lizzie60]

You know James, it's not that I wouldn't, it's that I couldn't. I went through too much when my xW cheated and simply feel that I couldn't deal with the guilt and self-doubt.

 

Now, take away my background as a BS, things might be different. Who knows?

 

I'm surprised that some doubt that the majority of people would cheat if guarantied non-discovery. What the percentage of people in relationships that cheat without that promise in place?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Good point...

[Trialbyfire]

What the percentage of people in relationships that cheat without that promise in place?

Allow me to turn that around. How many cheaters believe they're going to get caught?

[JamesM]

James, "would" and "could" are two very different things. Your admission that you could is simply an acknowledgement of that potential in you. Stating that, having recognised that potential, you would then actively choose to act on it, is something else entirely, and contradicts the latter half of your post where you speak of not putting yourself in positions where you might feel vulnerable to that temptation. That suggests - quite strongly - that while you know you COULD, in fact you WOULDN'T.

 

 

I am not sure ANYONE would answer this question with a definite "would." While I did, I knowingly switched to "could" because as I sit here in my comfortable home, the idea seems remote for two reasons: I am happy at home, and there is no woman who entices me enough to cheat.

 

Part of the reason that most men will say they never would is because they cannot envision letting themselves be in such a position. What we all forget is that most men do not start affairs with a decision that "today I will cheat." Yes, it happens, and when I say that I do not include those who are serial cheaters. Many affairs start with one small step at a time.

 

And while I appreciate your vote of confidence, OWoman, I do not believe that I wouldn't. So trying to avoid such situations seems the best way to avoid discovering the answer to that question.

 

 

James... I love you.. (sorry GP)..

Are we still on for that "massage?" Oh, wait a minute...would that be such a situation?

 

At least you're being honest... I admire that.

 

 

"At least?" Was that a compliment?

 

So guys who answer no are not "being honest?"

 

Personally, I don't think anyone who says no to this question is being dishonest. But I think many of those that say they couldn't (I said many...not all, Mr. Lucky) are being naive for reasons that Lizzie said, and because they really have not discovered the truths about themselves.

[desertmoon]

It's also easy for some men to say they would never ever cheat.. cause they know very well.. they just wouldn't get anyone.. because they are either too fat, plain too 'gross' looking... or simply can't get an erection (that would be embarassing...)

 

I think this is true. A man who does not think of himself highly is less likely to cheat--this is a man who is just grateful some woman married him and is afraid to take the risk because he probably does not think another woman would be crazy enough to marry him.

 

Where I work, I constantly cross paths with Type A men-intelligent, masters of their universe , moneyed and most of them are rumored to have affairs with this (younger) woman and that (younger woman). I even think some of them feel entitled to it...like they expect women to throw themselves at their feet!

[LovieDove24]

I'm looking for my Mr. Right and I know when I find him I will have no desire to cheat. Ok, lets be honest, I'll have the desire but I WON'T.

 

To be honest I have stolen the occasional item from retail stores. It is a thrill and I am not proud of it. I also smoked cigarettes for seven years and I wasn't proud of that either. I admit I have a sinful side, but when the world is right with me...and I am right with the world...I don't divulge in that side.

 

Thats why its important to find Mr or Mrs Right

[JamesM]

I'm looking for my Mr. Right and I know when I find him I will have no desire to cheat. Ok, lets be honest, I'll have the desire but I WON'T.

 

I say this with complete understanding and with kindness. This statement is a bit naive. I would have said as you in your position. In fact, I "knew" I had Miss/Mrs. Right when we were dating and first married. Yet that does not mean no doubts come up, and that does not mean the feelings of love leave, because they will. Even a few months (maybe weeks) after we were married, I wondered what I had done. Would this marriage survive?

 

As someone said to me regarding affairs, pray that when the desire is there, the opportunity will not be. And when the opportunity is there, pray that there will be no desire.

 

And I think we need to take it one step farther. PREPARE for the time when the desire AND opportunity are there. Just as we prepare for the real thing in our careers, we must prepare for the "real thing" when we are in a marriage. To sit back and say we won't when we don't know is setting ourselves up for a potential disaster.

 

 

I admit I have a sinful side, but when the world is right with me...and I am right with the world...I don't divulge in that side.

 

And I promise you that there will be times when you are not right with the world, and it will seem as if your marriage was a mistake. There will be that time when the person who listens and understands the most is not your husband, and he will seem more desirable than your husband. He will seem everything your husband is not. And this is when you must KNOW that you CAN cheat. And this is the time that you know how you will avoid not cheating.

 

The only way to avoid going ahead with that desire is by preparing for that "test."

 

Thats why its important to find Mr or Mrs Right

 

I am not saying everyone knows they marry Mr. or Mrs. Right, but I am willing to guess that over 90% of those whose marriages end for whatever reason believed with all of their heart that they found the right person for them. Rare is the person who goes ahead with a marriage to a person they know will not make a good partner.

 

However, life happens.

 

While I agree that it IS very important to find the "right" person for you, it is even more important to cultivate that marriage after you have found that person.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think this is true. A man who does not think of himself highly is less likely to cheat

Is this another way of saying that men that cheat have over-inflated egos and an exagerated sense of self-importance ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[KismetGirl]

You do understand, don't you, that cheating is a symptom of something going awry in the relationship?

It's not the direct cause of the hiatus, although it's often the reason for the break-up.

But if a partner cheats, there's already an issue within the relationship. Cheating is a secondary symptom. The root cause already existed.

 

I agree with this 1000%. I don't try to justify what my MM has done, at all, but I think that when cheating occurs it GENERALLY (not always, there are some pr*cks out there that are just narcissistic shmucks who want to f**k everything that moves just because they can), but generally, I think it is a symptom of something wrong in the relationship. Usually a lack of communication between the spouses, I would think. If the communication was there, alot of problems could be addressed.

 

In my MM's situation, he readily admits he's a bad communicator. He did, however, express to his W his dissatisfaction with their sex life. She seems to have tried to compromise by increasing the frequency of sex, but its not stopped our A, because I dont think sex itself is the problem. I think the problem has always been that he's not really in love with his wife and wishes he'd feel some spark for her....sadly it's apparently he doesn't. He doesn't get it though, and she doesn't see the problem anymore, so it'll continue I guess.

 

personally....I have never cheated on anyone. I am an OW, yes, but I don't like infidelity any more than the next person. The difference between me and my MM, is that I am an avid communicator. I address issues when I am bothered in a relationship. Always. And, if I don't feel that I am in love with someone....I don't stay. I broke my ex's heart when I broke up with him. He cried and begged me to reconsider. He wanted to marry me. But I wasn't IN love with him, no matter how much I loved him and got along with him, I knew in my heart he wasn't the one. I found myself wanting other men. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to other people if you are married, that is normal, but actually wanting to BE with someone else is an indication that your current R isn't working, and that's why I wouldn't marry someone unless I knew with all certainty that he was the one.

 

I'm not even in a relationship with my MM (obviously, he's married to someone else, so I don't consider it a real relationship in the traditional sense) but i am so in love with him, and so attracted to him, that I don't even WANT anyone else. That's how it should be, in my opinion. People shouldn't get married just because they are "comfortable" with someone. To me, that is just asking for problems down the road.

 

Just MHO. So, to answer the OP's question....no, I would NOT cheat , even if I felt I'd get away with it, purely because I would not be in a relationship to begin with in which I'd wnt anyone else. When I realize I want other people, it's time to reconsider whether I need to still be in that relationship or not, or if it can even be fixed. If I don't think it can, I'd let them go. I let my ex go, and he got married last year. And I hope he is happy.

[boldjack]

All right, point taken. Yes I could, because I did. But to say that I can't control my actions in the future isn't valid ,either. I could win the Kentucky derby, I could jump the English Channel, I'm betting I won't, but I could. James, you're not being honest, you're being wishywashy. I could cheat again.....but I'm betting I won't.

[KismetGirl]

I think this is true. A man who does not think of himself highly is less likely to cheat--this is a man who is just grateful some woman married him and is afraid to take the risk because he probably does not think another woman would be crazy enough to marry him.

 

Where I work, I constantly cross paths with Type A men-intelligent, masters of their universe , moneyed and most of them are rumored to have affairs with this (younger) woman and that (younger woman). I even think some of them feel entitled to it...like they expect women to throw themselves at their feet!

 

This is often true, of the "serial cheater" types- those that find this attitude that they are almost entitled to it. Alot of cultures seem to accept it as well- that a man has the right to have mistresses. Alot of high powered businessmen, or a man in any position of power, is often in this mindset it seems.

 

But its not always the case, particularly when a man has the same mistress for years. In my case, my MM is a very attractive, intelligent man, but he is not conceited , is actually rather shy around women, and does not consider himself to be that great looking when in reality I know most women would find him to be very attractive. He doesn't realize it, though. I think if I had never drunkenly told him that I found him attractive that first night, that he never would have had the nerve to kiss me first. I'm the only woman he's ever cheated on his wife on, and its been going on and off for 4 years. In his case, I think its almost more a case of a man who is the opposite of the narcissist: he never felt very sexy or wanted by his wife and he found that in me. If I feel something , I say it- I said I thought he was hot. I said I thought he was incredible in bed. I say these things because I think they are true, and don't see why someone shouldn't hear good things about themselves. Everyone deserves a complement now and again, even men.

 

depends on the guy, I guess.

[KismetGirl]

Is this another way of saying that men that cheat have over-inflated egos and an exagerated sense of self-importance ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think the difference between the narcissists, and the ones without high self esteem, is that the former will actively SEEK out an affair, while the latter may not actively look, but if the oppurtunity presented itself, they would accept it.

 

As the brilliantly funny Chris Rock said in one of his acts "A man is basically as faithful as his options: we may not always go looking for it, but if IT chases US, we just can't run that fast."

 

Not to say that there aren't men out there that woudn't cheat, but let's face it, a fat, old, ugly slob of a man probably won't have chicks chasing after him (unless he's wealthy and they're a bunch of golddiggers). If a man is REALLY happy in his marriage or relationship, he may resist, I do believe that. But I find that most relationships do have problems, and that because so many people are bad at communication, those problems go unsolved, and this is what almost always will allow temptation to become a reality, even if it's only once. Some peopel might cheat one night, feel so bad that they never do it again, sure. But that one night will still happen in most cases....Im pretty sure of that. Again, don't whip me- there are exceptions to every rule. But in my experience.....I know waaaaaay more men that have admitted to cheating at least once in their lives, than those that havent. Of the men I know that haven't, which are prob only a handful, one is one of my best friends who found his wife when he was 16 years old and has never been with another woman but her, and the several others are on their second marriages to women that they finally realized were better for them, as opposed to their first marraiges where they often married due to family, religious, social or other reasons that they THOUGHT were comfortable and enough...but eventually weren't people they were in love with.

[Lizzie60]

Are we still on for that "massage?" Oh, wait a minute...would that be such a situation?

 

Yes.. anytime.. I only take 'good' clients.. remember..

 

 

 

"At least?" Was that a compliment?

 

Yes it is..

 

So guys who answer no are not "being honest?"

 

Most guys.. no they're not being honest for some reasons..

 

Maybe they just don't want to change LSers' perception of them.. (that they're being faithful and honest, etc..) or maybe their partner reads LS... or they're having an EA right now with one LSer.. who knows?

[desertmoon]

Is this another way of saying that men that cheat have over-inflated egos and an exagerated sense of self-importance ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

No. Some men cheat because they have healthy egos and an honest sense of self-value. Others well, you are right have "over-inflated egos and an exaggerated sense of importance". Whatever it is, i think it is a lot easier for a man to cheat if women are drawn/attracted to him vis-a-vis someone who has to work very hard to get a date....

[Lizzie60]

Good point.

 

When it's easy for him to attract women... he will cheat.. no doubt.

[PinkKittyKat]

I think it's unfair to say that about all men.

 

I know a fair amount of good men, who also happen to be attractive who would NEVER make that choice. One of my old coworkers had a million chances to cheat, women always throwing themselves at him, but all he could talk about was his wife and 2 daughters. He'd never have even had the TIME to cheat considering the hours we worked. And always informed everyone of his wife, insisted on introducing her to everyone and gushes about her all the time. He is so devoted and I know that even if it was offered, he's just not that kind of guy.

 

Also, a few of my exes never would have cheated, I even offered an open relationship to one and he couldn't bear the thought.

 

Also, my current bf is damn fine and there are always girls hitting on him. He makes a point to casually show his ring finger where he wears a wedding band and then talks about me. Some guys, attractive or not, will never take that step, it's just not "in them".

 

Same as some women, no matter HOW unwanted the pregnancy or what dire position they are in, would NEVER consider an abortion. People are all different.

[alphamale]

You'll need to go a bit more beyond 'because i'm male'. What about 'being a male' makes you want to? .

its a little hormone called "testosterone"

[desertmoon]

I think it's unfair to say that about all men.

 

Hello Pinkkittykat! generalizations ARE unfair, because they do not include the ones who fall on the right or left side of the bell curve. And also generalizations always come with a caveat: there are exceptions to the rule... and who said "ALL MEN...?????"

 

Also, my current bf is damn fine and there are always girls hitting on him. He makes a point to casually show his ring finger where he wears a wedding band and then talks about me. Some guys, attractive or not, will never take that step, it's just not "in them".

 

Good for you, Pink! I hope it will always be like that. So far, considering your track record, it looks like it will be!

 

Same as some women, no matter HOW unwanted the pregnancy or what dire position they are in, would NEVER consider an abortion. People are all different.

 

Ahm...cheating and terminating a life????? that's hardly a fair comparison. But yes, I understand what you are trying to say.

[Lizzie60]

Pink.. may I ask you how old you are?

[PinkKittyKat]

Pink.. may I ask you how old you are?

 

I don't see why it matters.

 

If I'm younger than you think you'll dismiss my argument for me being "too young" and "I'll learn as I get older".

If I'm older than you think you'll dismiss my argument for me "being naive" or I "simply haven't met any men who were honest about their urge to cheat".

[D-Lish]

I'd never cheat in a commited relationship- never, ever.

I'm 38 and I never have cheated.

 

Unless browsing redtube counts as cheating....

 

If you don't know what redtube is, nevermind.

[JamesM]

I only take 'good' clients.. remember..

 

Anyone who is a client of yours is "bad" from the sounds of it.

 

Maybe they just don't want to change LSers' perception of them.. (that they're being faithful and honest, etc..) or maybe their partner reads LS... or they're having an EA right now with one LSer.. who knows?

 

All of these are likely. We all have a reputation on LS. And for some of us who have been here for a number of years, we feel as if we are no longer anonymous.

 

 

I know a fair amount of good men, who also happen to be attractive who would NEVER make that choice. One of my old coworkers had a million chances to cheat, women always throwing themselves at him, but all he could talk about was his wife and 2 daughters. He'd never have even had the TIME to cheat considering the hours we worked. And always informed everyone of his wife, insisted on introducing her to everyone and gushes about her all the time. He is so devoted and I know that even if it was offered, he's just not that kind of guy.

 

I don't doubt this at all. And when it is said that most men would cheat if in the wrong place at the "right" time, we don't mean that they would always cheat when the opportunity is there. Personally, I have been many situations with an opportunity to cheat, but the desire has not been there.

 

The question for all of us is...when both desire and opportunity are there, can we say for certain we will not cheat? And I know myself enough to say no. So my goal is to prevent such a situation.

 

As for mentioning wife and family, I am always amazed at how I just happen to mention my wife. I can say that many times it just comes an automatic response. When my wife's name is mentioned, the atmosphere usually changes, and the opportunity "slips away." I can honestly say that one occasion when both were there, the mention of my wife by mean killed the opportunity...thankfully.

 

BUT...the big thing is that commitment means that our mind must rule our emotions when such situation arises. And "practicing for the moment" is the best way to avoid an affair.

 

Also, my current bf is damn fine and there are always girls hitting on him. He makes a point to casually show his ring finger where he wears a wedding band and then talks about me. Some guys, attractive or not, will never take that step, it's just not "in them".

 

I see he is your BF yet wears a wedding ring. I am confused...can you explain this?

 

I firmly believe it is in every guy. It is just that some/many guys are certain that commitment and rational thinking rule over their emotions and "physical lust."

 

If I'm younger than you think you'll dismiss my argument for me being "too young" and "I'll learn as I get older".

If I'm older than you think you'll dismiss my argument for me "being naive" or I "simply haven't met any men who were honest about their urge to cheat".

 

Actually, you are younger than both Lizzie and I. I don't know that you will learn as you get older, but it is important to expect that it is a possibility that either you or your bf could cheat. By doing so, you can make preparations so that it never happens.

[boldjack]

That's really bogus, you're saying that handsome men are more likely to cheat, simply because they're goodlooking? Regardless of their morals, character, etc. If they are hot, they are potential cheaters. I've always been considered goodlooking, women hit on me occasionally. Don't I have a choice? That's not the truth, unless you believe in fate or Karma.

[PinkKittyKat]

I see he is your BF yet wears a wedding ring. I am confused...can you explain this?

 

We haven't got the cash together to get officially married, but we are planning on it. My bf even wanted to book our venue before he officially pops the question. Until it's official, we decided to wear engraved matching wedding bands as our commitment to eachother. Although we aren't officially married by the government, we are married to eachother in our hearts. Sometimes we slip and refer to eachother as spouse or wife/husband, but it doesn't especially matter what we call eachother. It's purely a financial thing. We've discussed having a small official legal wedding at the courthouse and saving the fluffy dress/family event later on when we can afford it, but we'd feel bad hiding it.

 

Actually, you are younger than both Lizzie and I. I don't know that you will learn as you get older, but it is important to expect that it is a possibility that either you or your bf could cheat. By doing so, you can make preparations so that it never happens.

 

Oh, I am definitely aware of the possibility of infidelity. We're very pro-active in our discussions on this topic, and we talk about ways of preventing it, should the danger arise. We're all about keeping lines of communication open. I've not got my head in the sand on this issue, not at all.

 

I only stated my age shouldn't matter in a discussion of this type. I've been around the block, and I've seen a lot of the goodness/badness of humanity. Sometimes Lizzie60's cynicism and judgmental attitude against men really tees me off, and to imply that my age makes my opinion irrelevant and hers' correct is pretty retarded. The "Oh, YOU'LL learn," attitude smacks of disrespect and is pretty darn depressing to boot.

 

If I ever get to apoint where I believe all men would cheat given the opportunity and the ones who say otherwise are lying, is the day that I have lost all faith in humanity and peoples word. I don't want to become that sad and distrustful.

[JamesM]

I have been a cheater and would not go back to that lifestyle for the most beautiful woman (or women) on earth.

 

That's really bogus, you're saying that handsome men are more likely to cheat, simply because they're goodlooking? Regardless of their morals, character, etc. If they are hot, they are potential cheaters. I've always been considered goodlooking, women hit on me occasionally. Don't I have a choice? That's not the truth, unless you believe in fate or Karma.

 

 

I think you kinda proved the theory, didn't you? I don't think it means that a handsome man or beautiful women will ALWAYS cheat, but face it...us less handsome guys don't get as many opportunities to cheat.

Everyone has a choice, but some have said that those who KNOW they are good looking feel that they deserve to be happy in a relationship, and if they are not, they know they can get someone fairly quickly...so they do.

 

Just my take on it.

[JamesM]

 

Oh, I am definitely aware of the possibility of infidelity. We're very pro-active in our discussions on this topic, and we talk about ways of preventing it, should the danger arise. We're all about keeping lines of communication open. I've not got my head in the sand on this issue, not at all.

 

This is a good attitude to have, but truthfully, you will look back and see that marital experience can only be gained with time. This does not mean that either of you will cheat, but as you become more accustomed to one another and "life happens." then you will see how happy couples like you end up in divorce.

 

Too many couples say "It will never happen to us" and when it does they have no clue how it happened. If they had instead said, "It COULD happen to us" and prepared for it, then maybe it wouldn't have happened.

 

Remember...almost every divorced couple believed as you now do. And I even say that to myself...while we have reached almost nineteen years of marriage, still couples have divorced after twenty or twenty five years, too.