I told you he's always honest with me....

[KismetGirl]

Which is probably why I never want to ask him anything. Because I already know it and hearing it makes me feel like I want to go jump off a freaking bridge, which is precisely how I feel rght now. I havent cried since November over him, and all I've done today is sob in bed all day and sleep so I won't be awake to think.

 

He came over this morning, per usual. Morning goes as it always does- chatting, sex, more talking, laying around, hugging, etc

 

At one point he looks at me , says "you look really cute right now. You're really quite beautiful."

 

"thanks" I say, and stare off into space.

 

I then ask him if what I told him in November (when I admitted that I loved him that one time) had bothered him. He gets quiet for a second and says "maybe, i guess, i dont know" and then "im sorry im awful at communicating, you know i care abotu you". And then, "It's just that that isn't what I was looking for in all this." I tell him he shouldnt feel weird, I've had people tell me they love me before and I dont feel the same way, and i just get on as friends with them . I try to brush it off as not being a big deal, as something I say to everyone I care about, whether they are friends or family or whatever. And at this point I'm already thinking I shouldnt have asked but he thinks I want him to talk now and he rarely does about these things so I let him go on.

 

So he tells me that he hates that he can't be faithful for some reason, and that Im the only one its been since he's been married. He says everything about his marriage is great except for their sex life, that that's the only part that "sucks, or is missing entirely".

 

And I think I've said all this in prior posts before....that I know he's happy with his life and feels no need to change it, but I think I never asked because I don't want to hear it, and now I've heard it and I feel so horrid I literally feel like I wish I was suicidal, and regrettably Im not. So Im forced to just sit here and be effing miserable instead. I can't think, I don't want to think, I just feel like crying, and crying, and crying. I can't even describe how I feel right now, which is weird because I knew he wasn't going anywhere anyway, and I knew he wasn't unhappy at home, that they just don't really have that physical spark. But just hearing him say it, I dont know. I feel a million times worse than any time he's broken things off with me. And I think he knows I feel bad now, because I dont tend to hide my feelings well on my face, I guess, because he tried changing the topic and hugging me again and apologizing and saying he's ****e at talking about anything or expressing himself. And when he left I just stood there sort of only half paying attention and have him a half -assed kiss and said "bye".

 

So there you go, guys, have fun thinking "i told you so". Have at it. Im going to go lay down again.

[awkward]

Why would your pain be fun? It's not fun, it's sad. I'm glad you asked him. At least you won't have to spend hours trying to analyze it anymore.

 

I thought you guys weren't going to have sex anymore. That you were only going to meet in public and be just friends.

 

KG, get out of bed and make plans with a friend. Try to accept that it is just sex with a guy that cares about you. You know he loves his wife and won't leave. Just accept it until you decide you are done. I would hate for you to wait until 2010 to put yourself and your feelings first, but until you change this relationship it is going to continue just like it is.

[NoIDidn't]

Why would your pain be fun? It's not fun, it's sad. I'm glad you asked him. At least you won't have to spend hours trying to analyze it anymore.

 

I thought you guys weren't going to have sex anymore. That you were only going to meet in public and be just friends.

 

KG, get out of bed and make plans with a friend. Try to accept that it is just sex with a guy that cares about you. You know he loves his wife and won't leave. Just accept it until you decide you are done. I would hate for you to wait until 2010 to put yourself and your feelings first, but until you change this relationship it is going to continue just like it is.

 

I agree with awkward. Nothing more to add.

 

((KG))

[jj33]

KG really sorry you are feeling so bad. If it makes you feel any better...

 

it doesnt mean he doesnt care deeply about you. he does.

 

It doesnt mean he doesnt even love you. He may. It sounds like he does.

 

he has taken away the "forever" possibility", the idea that the two of you could have your own family and your own life together.

 

But it doesnt invalidate what you have shared or the fact that he has feelings for you.

 

He must have known how you felt, its selfish yes, but if he didnt really enjoy your company and have deepe feelings for you, he wouldnt have come back after so many months apart each time. He would have found someone new.

 

But I know that is not the same as being able to think that someday things might change.

 

Sorry for your pain and I hope you feel better soon.

 

Rent movies. Lots of movies funny movies not rom coms or the lovescenes will just make you cry harder.

 

Big hugs

 

ps noone wants to see you in pain. The "tough love" on the other threads was just that.

 

Edited to add - and I know it feels so fing unfair. That you could feel so deeply for someone and spend so many wonderful moments together and that still he wouldnt be "the one". Fing unfair.

 

Read the book This is the perfect time to read it. It will make you laugh and cry and you will see parts of your feelings in there. This Charming Man.

[Owl]

KG...again...why are you upset? Why are you angry at US?

 

You are right where you choose to be. He came over, knocked one out, told you that he regrets that he's cheating on his wife with you, but doesn't plan on changing it, and left.

 

Why are you upset about a situation that you have created and are doing nothing to change?

 

If you don't like it...do something about it.

 

Otherwise...accept it.

 

But why do you post here, and then ASK everyone to beat you up about it?

 

Why should we? I don't have any issue with your choice to be in the affair...I've only got issue with the fact that you seem to want to have a pity party because of it.

 

Don't expect people to feel sorry for you if you refuse to take action to protect yourself or to stop the pain.

 

Sorry if that's too blunt...but frankly, you don't seem to be responding to any other tactic that's been tried.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've never understood why OW focus on what their MM might want or need. At the risk of sounding selfish, isn't it a shorter path to happiness to address your own wants and needs? You can't be surprised at his admission that your love " isn't what I was looking for in all this " based on your description of the morning - chat, sex, leave. You set yourself up for a world of hurt when you try and make someting into something it isn't...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KismetGirl]

I've never understood why OW focus on what their MM might want or need. At the risk of sounding selfish, isn't it a shorter path to happiness to address your own wants and needs? You can't be surprised at his admission that your love " isn't what I was looking for in all this " based on your description of the morning - chat, sex, leave. You set yourself up for a world of hurt when you try and make someting into something it isn't...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Don't think I MADE it into anything....you can't help how you feel about someone....how you feel about someone isn't existant based on whether or not they also felt that same exact way. If it was there'd be no such thing as being heartbroken now would there....

 

:::shrug:::: perhaps i should accept that men are all ass**les and that sex and love are two entirely different things for them.

 

Perhaps I shoudl accept that I may mean nothing to him after four years or that he "cares" about me as he says but that otherwise he's pretty happy.

 

I guess it's hard for me to imagine that when you are in love with a woman you'd cheat on her with the same OW for four years, and always come back after extended periods of NC. But it's easy to say your marriage is otherwise perfect when you're getting all your passion and intimacy needs met by someone else, I guess.

 

Maybe Im not the problem. Maybe the problem is he's an idiot and doesn't want to acknowledge that his W will still f**k him once or twice a week if he asks her to and somehow he's still blaming his A on a lack of sex.

[KismetGirl]

KG...again...why are you upset? Why are you angry at US?

 

You are right where you choose to be. He came over, knocked one out, told you that he regrets that he's cheating on his wife with you, but doesn't plan on changing it, and left.

 

Why are you upset about a situation that you have created and are doing nothing to change?

 

If you don't like it...do something about it.

 

Otherwise...accept it.

 

But why do you post here, and then ASK everyone to beat you up about it?

 

Why should we? I don't have any issue with your choice to be in the affair...I've only got issue with the fact that you seem to want to have a pity party because of it.

 

Don't expect people to feel sorry for you if you refuse to take action to protect yourself or to stop the pain.

 

Sorry if that's too blunt...but frankly, you don't seem to be responding to any other tactic that's been tried.

 

I guess Im just confused, angry, and hurt. Forgive me, four years invested, it gets hard to walk away.

 

I haven't in my life met anyone who got over any addiction in a few months or even a few years, so I apologize if I havent magically taken each piece of advice and fixed my life already. My patients go back and forth for years and years, and talk to me until our faces are all blue trying to figure out a way to stop doing what they are doing. It's not easy, Owl, or anyone else who seems to think its "just get your a** moving and do it".

 

With all due respect, correct me if Im wrong, but you've never been in my position. You've been on the other side of this equation: the BS, right?

 

Have you any idea what it's like to fall in love with someone and watch them go home to their spouse every day and eventually tell you they are never going to get a D? Im sure it hurt like hell when you found out your wife had cheated on you, but it wasn't YOU that had to get over someone. You had to learn to forgive her and rebuild your marriage, which is very hard and an entirely different kind of hurting.

 

You still have your wife. I have to try to imagine someone that I've fallen massively in love with, and then imagine never seeing them again so long as I live. Please tell me how you think this is anything that is easy to do....just because you say "do it" doesn't make it easier done.

[awkward]

Please tell me how you think this is anything that is easy to do....just because you say "do it" doesn't make it easier done.

 

The easiest, quickest way out of this affair is for his wife to find out your in love with her husband. Other than that happening it is left to you to figure out a way out.

 

Easier - Complete NC

 

Harder - Take baby steps and be done when you get stronger

 

Hardest - Trying to get over him while nothing changes

 

I can't tell you how to get out. I know you are hurting. I'm sorry. ((KG))

[Billie63]

Kismet you have actually done the right things and possibly taken the first step to recovery from this 'addiction'.

 

Sure you are in total pain now because you no longer have your illusions to comfort you in his absence. Many people on here could see you had created a fantasy world where the idea he might be in love with you but was too emotionally retarded to tell you, sustained you and gave you a thrill.

 

He has taken that veil of delusion away and now you are raw and battered and cruelly exposed.

 

You make the analogy of addiction and how you witness addiction in your line of work. Surely you must see that addiction cannot be cured until the addict faces up to the truth of their addiction? And that truth will firstly be shocking and painful before it begins to liberate.

 

He has been honest with you, thank god. Imagine if he'd lied and told you he loved you? You'd be hugging yourself with joy right now but you'd be living a lie. Can you honestly want that?

 

Anyway, do you think he will continue to come and see you?

[Mr. Lucky]

:::shrug:::: perhaps i should accept that men are all ass**les and that sex and love are two entirely different things for them.

Don't know about us all being ass**les, but the part about sex and love is true.

Maybe Im not the problem. Maybe the problem is he's an idiot and doesn't want to acknowledge that his W will still f**k him once or twice a week if he asks her to and somehow he's still blaming his A on a lack of sex.

I think you hit the nail square on the head...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TOWinNYC]

KS -

New to LS but I've been following your story and I am SO sorry.

 

No one can understand your grief unless they themselves have been there. And no, it's NOT easy to get over it - the loss of a dream, no matter how slight or precarious or ethereal it may be, is still a loss. And when you compound that with love, well.... It just sucks.

 

You should allow yourself to grieve but at the same time take stock of the situation (NOT right now). In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself. Hugs from cyberspace....

[jj33]

KG the thing that ended my relationship with MM was simlar but not. It was when it became very clear to me that whatever the problems he was not leaving. And I was devastated for all the reasons you say. I couldnt believe someone with grown kids would choose "that" and if he "chose" it why would he cheat.

 

Answer: Because he could... because i was willing... and W didnt care.

 

I still maintain it doesnt mean he doesnt love you, just that that the future is not as you might want it to be.

 

Let the pain keep you away. Its unbelievable but let it protect you from EVER EVER feeling this way again.

 

Do you smoke? If you smoke and you get a hideous cold you might quit while you are feeling awful. The trick is not to start again when the pain subsides. Its the same thing here. Use the pain to your advantage.

 

It takes time to process and give yourself time. You get to frame this in whatever way makes it easiest to move forward. So do that. We dont know you and we dont know MM. You get to write your history. Write it in the way that is best for you.

[Owl]

Billie had it spot on, KG.

 

You haven't taken a single step to end your addiction. Not even the tiniest one.

 

So your defensiveness about ending the addiction doesn't truly hold a lot of water.

 

Have you any idea what it's like to fall in love with someone and watch them go home to their spouse every day and eventually tell you they are never going to get a D? Im sure it hurt like hell when you found out your wife had cheated on you, but it wasn't YOU that had to get over someone. You had to learn to forgive her and rebuild your marriage, which is very hard and an entirely different kind of hurting.

 

You're right...BS here.

 

But let's talk comparisons here for a moment...

 

Let's see...do I know what it's like to have someone I've loved...FOR 17 years at the time...stand in front of me and tell someone else that they love them, and can't wait to get to where they can live with them? Hmm...would seem a very comparable situation to me, ya know? To watch her prepare to throw away her life, her family...EVERYTHING...so that she could fly away to live out a fantasy with someone else?

 

How about spending the next several weeks sleeping on the loveseat in the living room, while she sleeps on the couch...because NEITHER of you can stand the thought of going upstairs to the bedroom?

 

And listening to her cry herself to sleep every night, sobbing over the loss of her affair with OM...listening to her blame YOU for that loss? Nursing her through her withdrawl at the end of the affair? Plan on seperating so that she can "find herself"...when you really realize that she's intending to leave you to go find HIM instead?

 

Don't think your pain is somehow unique. It's not. Neither was mine.

 

They're more similar than they are different. Which is why I've spent these last four plus years posting on this site, and helping others, JUST LIKE YOU...work through their pain as well.

 

Do I have any idea on "what it takes" to do what I've suggested to you? YES I DO. FAR MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER UNDERSTAND.

 

But the thing is this...you're not asking for help. You're not doing a single thing to fix your situation.

 

Instead, you're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, crying "Woe is me, I can't do anything about it"...when you know darned well that you CAN...you simply chose not to.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Pull up your big girl britches and act like a WOMAN, instead of some lovestruck teenager.

 

You HAVE control. You OWN your life, you OWN your own choices and decisions.

 

HE isn't forcing you into this. He isn't forcing you to be with him. He isn't making you have sex with him everytime he shows up. He's also not the one choosing to AVOID dealing with this.

 

YOU ARE.

 

Own your choice. Either do something about the situation, or quit crying about it.

 

I'm sorry...but the whole tearful crying thing only goes on for so long before someone needs to tell you the straight up truth on things.

 

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...OR ACCEPT IT.

 

And before you get too angry...realize that what I'm offering you here IS "support". It's the best kind of "support" you can get...it's learning to help yourself.

[Owl]

NOW someone can call me out for my "tough love" posts to KG.

 

FWIW, I never said that it would be EASY for you to do any of this.

 

But I HAVE said that you'd start to heal and recover if you did so.

 

Here's the thing...you wouldn't know if it's easy or hard...because you've not even TRIED ending it, or changing the situation at any point yet. At least not according to your numerous posts about your situation.

 

Take that first step...THEN see how hard it is.

[2sunny]

I told you he's always honest with me....

 

you started with this comment.

 

yes, he may be honest with you. you are hearing what he says and settling that it is enough for you.

 

so what if he's being honest - he's also cheating - he's also lying to his wife and family - he's willing to expect you to continue compromise your happiness and future for his selfish "needs."

 

just because someone is honest doesn't mean we have to think it's ok, fair, right or acceptable. it only means that he's given you information and you find it perfectly acceptable to live with things the way they are.

 

if not, then your actions continue to tell him otherwise.

[gopher]

This guy is a douche....Work on yourself now and find your happiness in your own life, not some fantasy life that you've created based on his leaving his wife which he is never doing. It's apparent that this jerk only loves himself, not you or his wife, and it makes me wonder what you saw in him...Moving forward, you should never be unhappy or happy based on the whim of what someone does or doesn't say to you. Build a life that has a solid foundation based on your interests, hobbies and knowledge that you are a worthwhile person, not just someone who is some ahole's OW. Start today...think about before the douche came along...what did you like to do? When you were a little girl, what dreams did you have? You can't recoup the last 4 years, but you can make sure the next 4 are different.

 

Good luck!

[KismetGirl]

I told you he's always honest with me....

 

you started with this comment.

 

yes, he may be honest with you. you are hearing what he says and settling that it is enough for you.

 

so what if he's being honest - he's also cheating - he's also lying to his wife and family - he's willing to expect you to continue compromise your happiness and future for his selfish "needs."

 

just because someone is honest doesn't mean we have to think it's ok, fair, right or acceptable. it only means that he's given you information and you find it perfectly acceptable to live with things the way they are.

 

if not, then your actions continue to tell him otherwise.

 

*sigh* I wasn't saying "he's honest" in some way to justify anything he does. Just saying that despite everyone always telling me all MM's lie about everything to the OW, he's never done that. Not to me, I guess.

 

He doesn't expect anything from me....he knows how i feel, he knows I like seeing him, but Im sure if I said "no more" he wouldn't argue much. Or maybe he would, I don't know.

 

Someone else asked me if I thought he was going to continue to see me...I dunno. We parted on a somewhat somber note, but that was more due to me being somewhat unresponsive to his affection/hugs/kisses after our talk.

 

Maybe no one really believes me....but....even if he ended up staying in his marriage, and wanted to fix it , i get so frustrated with the way it seems like he won't acknowledge anything. Can it really be that he drives himself crazy and paranoid, and everything is so perfect, and it's just a sucky sex life with his wife that makes him do all this? He said himself she'll sleep with him once or twice a week if he asks, she just doesn't seem very interested in it. I don't get why he can't try to fix that , if that's the only thing wrong with their relationship.

 

*sigh* frustrated. Just very, very frustrated and spinning head right now. I told my friend "seems crazy to me that you say you love your wife but that cheating on her four four years with the same person and you cant think that MAYBE you arent in love with your wife like you thought"

 

My friend told me I should just be blunt with him and tell him to own up to his insecurities and figure out what was wrong with his life and fix it rather than keeping this crap up. He said to me, "you might be right but at the end of the day its about whether he is willing to have the balls to acknowledge that, and it doesn't sound like he does. personally I think you're right about him not really being as happy as he thinks, but if he doesnt acknowledge it what can you do? I think you should chew him about his too simple interpretation of reality and then walk away for good. Easier said than done, I know. "

 

I wonder if i should say something....

[Billie63]

Actually kismet, a married couple with three young kids having sex once or twice a week is actually doing pretty good - you need to ask around other married couples with youngsters and find out what actually does happen to a couple's sex life when young kids come along.

 

I know they had sexual problems before the kids came along, but the problem may be that his sex drive has always far surpassed hers.

 

Having said that, it sounds like she's making the effort once or twice a week. Many marriages survive incompatible sex drives - the couple usually compromise which is probably what is happening with your mm and his w. But once or twice a week obviously isn't enough for him.

[jj33]

I think you should. I think all the things you say to us you should say to him. Get it all out. Its the only way to feel like you havent left it half finished. He may say yes of course i love you but they are my children, she is my wife. I shouldnt be doing this but I love you.

 

Ask the big question. Are you in love with me? If he says no then ask him WTF he is doing coming back all the time? When he knows that you are in love with him? If he says yes then ask him WTF he is doing with his life? His answers dont EXCUSE anything but it will let go of the speculatoin. And you will feel better than talking to a ghost. You need to have it out with him.

 

At a certain point if he is not willing to say I am in love with you, then it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter what is buried in his emotionally retarded little heart any more than eating all that is on your plate helps those that are starving in India.

 

You need a real relationship in your life with someone who can freely give engage with you. He knows that. If he cant and never will, then WTF is he doing?

 

Its fair to say I cant let this go until I graduate. I need this through my exams. But can you take it. Can you continue knowing that its going to end because you will have to end it for your own dignity and sanity. Its painful living through the death of a love affair even if the feelings live on.

 

I spent a long time after we ended the PA and were hardly speaking waiting indignantly for him to realise he was losing the best thing that ever happened to him. It was painful. I was depressed etc etc and I wasted alot of time feeling badly. But it was still better than being "in it". Because it was the road to healing.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Kismet,

 

You are your own worst enemy. He's told you how he feels and that hurt you. Then you start to convince yourself that maybe he's doesn't really understand how he feels. He's atleast being honest with you. Why in the world would he say those things if he didn't mean them?

 

I think if you spent as much time trying to figure out what's really going on with Kismet instead of what's going on with him then you might be able to get yourself out of this.

 

 

Ask the big question. Are you in love with me? If he says no then ask him WTF he is doing coming back all the time? When he knows that you are in love with him? If he says yes then ask him WTF he is doing with his life? His answers dont EXCUSE anything but it will let go of the speculatoin. And you will feel better than talking to a ghost. You need to have it out with him.

You do this and he's going to run for the hills.

[serial muse]

:::shrug:::: perhaps i should accept that men are all ass**les and that sex and love are two entirely different things for them.

 

No, don't go down that road.

 

Perhaps I shoudl accept that I may mean nothing to him after four years

 

Don't go down that road either. Because this is not, in fact, what he said.

 

or that he "cares" about me as he says but that otherwise he's pretty happy.

 

But this one? Yes. He did say this, and it's the thing you must figure out how to accept.

 

Look, KG, I've been reading your threads but have never commented before. I'm a former BS (now divorced) and I didn't figure you would be that interested in anything I'd have to say. Sometimes, there just isn't anything to say.

 

I feel for you, I really do. I don't enjoy seeing anyone in pain. But my compassion - and yes, of course I feel compassion - doesn't mean that I shouldn't say something you have repeatedly said you don't want to hear.

 

I'm not interested in bashing you, but you need a good shaking, girl. Telling yourself you can't help who you love is, simultaneously, majorly heartbreaking and a major-league cop-out. Please, stop reinforcing this erroneous belief. You're doing yourself an injustice. And at this point, you are hurting yourself as much as he is. And you're doing it intentionally!

 

No, you can't help who you love, in a sense, and yes, it sucks when you love someone and it's not a straightforward kind of relationship. And yet, at the same time, you can do something about how you choose to view that relationship.

 

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week, or next month. But over time, the way you heal is that you change your mind. It isn't easy, God knows. The hardest part is that, deep down, you really don't even want to. No matter how much it hurts, it also feels GREAT to be part of a powerful love that eclipses all others. It feels GREAT to share this passion with someone. It feels GREAT to experience something that you are convinced few others experience, or could possibly understand. Who in her right mind would want to give up that specialness?

 

I don't think it's easy. It's not easy to accept that he probably does love his wife, and in different ways than he loves you - perhaps as much as he loves you. Ouch. Yes. It's not easy to accept that your relationship with him is ultimately as temporary as you want it to be - he won't make any decisions about it, he won't make it easy for you, he doesn't actually want to leave his wife. Ouch. I know. But try to just take that in - don't tell yourself all the reasons why it's not true. Let's assume it is true.

 

For a few minutes, don't fight it, don't tell yourself he can't possibly this, his wife must be that - just let the reality of the situation sink in without editing it. Yes, it hurts like hell. Still - for another ten minutes, just let it sink in.

 

You're still alive. You're still you. You're still KismetGirl. Nothing substantial has changed. You're just letting go of a crutch.

 

It'll never be easy, but it'll be easier. I'm not ignorant of the pain of watching someone walk away, just because I'm a BS. My exH walked away, and my world shattered. There were a lot of pieces to pick up, and some of them are still missing. Look, KG, how easy is it for anyone to accept that their dreams are shattered? God knows I've been there. I'm not trying to make your pain more mundane by saying we've all experienced it - I'm elevating it, because it's part of the human condition, and we've all experienced it. My heart was every bit as broken as yours is now, so I know whereof I speak.

 

But I was the only person who could get me out of that, and there is only one way to do it: Acceptance. Yes, it sucks eggs. But remember how you were talking recently about analyzing things to death? It's clear that that kind of self-analysis is something you consider to be part of your identity. I get that too. But it's not helping you here to embrace it. You're not really "analyzing," you're actually re-casting - taking bits of information and putting them together again and again in different ways until they tell you the story you want to hear. It's not truth. You want to believe that he's the only person you'll ever love like this, that he can't really love his wife, that she must know and not care, that that that. It's a romantic story, but even if bits of it are true, it's not the truth.

 

It's not any more true than my endless analysis of why my exH did what he did was the truth, or why the OW in my story participated, or why why why. I didn't know enough to know the truth, and ultimately, I finally accepted that I never would. Not ever.

 

You can only know what he does. That's the only truth. And what he does is hurtful to you. Don't overanalyze him. Don't justify for him. You like having sex with him, you like being with him. He feels the same about you. But all the rest is speculation on your part, and it's doing nothing good for you, and it's getting you nowhere nearer to happiness. You don't want to let go. But reality keeps bumping up against your daydreams, and it keeps bruising you, over and over. Stop thinking of acceptance and letting go of him as a loss; stop trying to find ways to convince yourself that he doesn't mean what he says. What good does that do? Acceptance may seem like a loss, but there's a lot of strength in it. Why not cultivate your strength for a change?

[2sunny]

doesn't really matter if he's in love with you or not. he just wants to get laid - and you are willing to help him with that.

 

look, you've stated that he really isn't a good communicator. guess what? i wouldn't be either if i was trying really hard not to get attached or didn't want to show my feelings to another person. sometimes what we don't say means something just as profound. even you telling him that you love him made him uncomfortable...

 

i'm sure that's because he doesn't want to have to deal with another set of emotions and all that comes with a gal that starts to get attached. the less he tells you - the more he guards himself from you being an active part of his life. the easier it is to just keep you in a nice little corner being a good girl who doesn't stir the pot - until he has time to ask you to play for an hour or so every now and then. how convenient for him.

 

he hasn't given you anything to lean on, and not one good reason to stay connected to him - except that he wants to get laid and so do you... so take it for what it is.

[jj33]

I still say she should ask him. Its what she is hanging onto.

 

And so what if he runs for the hills? Isnt that kind of the point? Call him on it. You know why you are there. Because you love him and hope someday you will have a future together.

 

The end of speculatoin can be painful but its better than endless wondering.

 

The only danger KG is if he says something and you still dont "believe him" or you still dont accept it. Sometimes these people dont give good answers ever. Sometimes the questions can go on forever.

 

I would ask. But that is just me. I did in fact ask. It didnt matter. Being in love and not leaving is no better (as per my eating for those starving in India). But I was glad I asked.

 

After a certain point when being second became too painful, the logic went like this

 

If you arent in love with me WTF are we doing? If you are, and that doesnt change anything for you then WTF am I doing... do I really want to spend the rest of my life as the OW and CAN I... and I knew i couldnt.

 

He still loves me. I still love him. But we are not together. There is no future for "us" as a couple because he is staying and I dont want crumbs.

 

Edited to add: Why does he stay? For the glue. Not W so much as the whole fabric of the life that they have built together. That is a marriage. And that is understandable even if its not the kind of marriage I would want for myself.

[awkward]

 

Maybe no one really believes me....but....even if he ended up staying in his marriage, and wanted to fix it , i get so frustrated with the way it seems like he won't acknowledge anything. Can it really be that he drives himself crazy and paranoid, and everything is so perfect, and it's just a sucky sex life with his wife that makes him do all this? He said himself she'll sleep with him once or twice a week if he asks, she just doesn't seem very interested in it. I don't get why he can't try to fix that , if that's the only thing wrong with their relationship.

 

KG Why can't you see it? He is in love with his wife. He even told you he was. Why do you keep analyzing this over and over? He had an affair because he CAN. He hasn't been caught so he will keep doing it.

 

*sigh* frustrated. Just very, very frustrated and spinning head right now. I told my friend "seems crazy to me that you say you love your wife but that cheating on her four four years with the same person and you cant think that MAYBE you arent in love with your wife like you thought"

 

He'll do it for four more years until you stop it. You seem to place a lot of importance on the fact that it's been with the same person for four years. When you dump him, it will be with someone else. Until he fixes his issues, he will continue to cheat. It just won't be with you.

 

My friend told me I should just be blunt with him and tell him to own up to his insecurities and figure out what was wrong with his life and fix it rather than keeping this crap up. He said to me, "you might be right but at the end of the day its about whether he is willing to have the balls to acknowledge that, and it doesn't sound like he does. personally I think you're right about him not really being as happy as he thinks, but if he doesnt acknowledge it what can you do? I think you should chew him about his too simple interpretation of reality and then walk away for good. Easier said than done, I know. "

 

Why can't you believe that he is one of those type of people that loves cake? Yes there are MM that are totally in love with their OW. Your MM is not one of them. Not even close. He has the balls to have unprotected sex with both you and his wife (and having children too). The only thing he doesn't have the balls to do is own up to his issues and deal with them in a healthy way.

 

I wonder if i should say something....

Say what? Ask him to clarify? Ask him to tell you that he really is in love with you but is afraid to admit it? Let's say he does tell you that. Then what? You spend how many more years being available for a guy that is not available for you?

 

You are over analyzing your MM. You want to convince yourself that you didn't waste the last four years of your life with this MM. It's sucks, but it is the harsh reality of your relationship. Do you want to waste four more on this pathetic man?

 

Maybe you should say something to him. Maybe you should SCREAM at him. Maybe you should ask him why, why, why he is hurting you by continuing this affair. He knows you are in love with him and he keeps coming back. Yet he is not leaving his wife, ever. But then when he tells you it's over, you will analyze and analyze and come up with see he really did love me. He loved me enough to end it. But it won't be true because he will come around again manipulating you, telling you he doesn't want sex, etc. Then you will throw yourself at him and he will make you feel desperate again.

 

KG, please stop trying to convince yourself that this relationship is more than it is. If he is lying to himself, then he will either leave his wife once he realizes he can't have you too or he will live a sad life. But IMO he is telling you the truth. He just wants you to accept it and continue on status quo. He doesn't have to lie because you will accept it. He will be back. All MM wants you to do is be there for him when he needs you. The next time he wants to get laid, he will call YOU! Will you answer?

 

I wish someone would tell this man's wife. Apparently, that is the only way this is going to end. For your sake KG, I hope the BS finds out soon.

 

Some people just need support, others just need understanding, and then there are others that are happy with their relationship as it is and want to share their happiness here. I haven't figured out what it is that you need from this forum. Is it tough love or do you want us just to listen? Does anything we post help you?