Billie63 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Does it matter if he loves his W or KG? No. Because he isn't leaving. Does it matter if his W is plain and KG is a Sex goddess? No. Because he isn't leaving. Does it matter that they have kids? No. Because he isn't leaving. Does his immigration status figure into this somehow? No. Because he isn't leaving.. It matters in the sense that KG really isn't seeing the whole situation clearly (sorry KG for talking like you're not here). It is very obvious that KG does not see some aspects of this whole affair clearly. Also, the immigration status thing matters a lot if KG is going to see him for what he is = he didn't get married cos he felt it was the right time to do it, he married for convenience. That's a pretty odious thing to do and contradicts KG's past posts about what a genuine caring guy he is. Some posters are really trying to point out to her these aspects of his personality. Whether that's successful or not no one can say - maybe one day it will click into place for KG. But we are just words on a page. We don't have the affect on KG that he does, when he's standing there in front of her. Only when she sees things clearly for what they are, what this man is about; will she start to become repulsed by her position in his life. And I don't expect that will happen any time soon, sadly. Link to post Share on other sites
Die Hard Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Hey Kis this probably won't help but I suppose it can't hurt either so I'll share. I was unable to walk away from the married woman I was seeing, much like you are unable right now. So, this is what I personally did: I became self aware, thanks in large part to this board, of the high and lows of affairs. You know, that high feeling you have right after you've spent time with him. You know all too well the low that follows.. Given this, I started to train myself to not get the "high", by visiting this board, and more importantly, talking myself down. Literally. I would force my mind back down by focusing on the negatives. This can be tough because by nature we want what feels good. But given that the low is coming anyway I figured a way to detach would be to try and rob my brain of that high. It was a daily struggle but eventually my mind was where it needed to be and by the time she dumped me I was able to walk away too. I had basically conditioned my brain to not get anymore pleasure from the affair than I could control. Sure it still hurt like hell when she left but that training of my brain left me in a much better position than had I been fooling myself into thinking it would ever work out. This is where Owl's posts come in. This is what he means by taking an action or taking steps to get out, or steps to help put you in a position to get out should the opportunity arise. Not all steps and actions have to be physical. They can be mental as well. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 It matters in the sense that KG really isn't seeing the whole situation clearly (sorry KG for talking like you're not here). It is very obvious that KG does not see some aspects of this whole affair clearly. Also, the immigration status thing matters a lot if KG is going to see him for what he is = he didn't get married cos he felt it was the right time to do it, he married for convenience. That's a pretty odious thing to do and contradicts KG's past posts about what a genuine caring guy he is. Some posters are really trying to point out to her these aspects of his personality. Whether that's successful or not no one can say - maybe one day it will click into place for KG. But we are just words on a page. We don't have the affect on KG that he does, when he's standing there in front of her. Only when she sees things clearly for what they are, what this man is about; will she start to become repulsed by her position in his life. And I don't expect that will happen any time soon, sadly. The thing is, the more anyone tries to talk about his immigration status it seems to only egg her on into her denial. Its like she thinks that something about him will change or has changed because of the immigration thing. (I too apologize for speaking *about* you KG on your thread) He is married. He is a father to three BEAUTIFUL children that were born into that marriage. Do you think they care about their father's immigration status? Someone hoping that he only married to stay in the country might care about his status, but I'm sure they don't. KG, he's made his choice. Ball's in your court now. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Not all steps and actions have to be physical. They can be mental as well. But they have to start as mental actions/decisions. Until she changes her thinking on this, nothing will change in her situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Die Hard Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 But they have to start as mental actions/decisions. Until she changes her thinking on this' date=' nothing will change in her situation.[/quote']I agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 KG - Everything that needs to be said, certainly has...but I want to add one thing that I think is important for you and for many other posters here to recognize and come to terms with. You say you cant help that you love him. Other posters say this often and it translates to the cliche "The heart wants what it wants"...so what can you be expected to do?? Thats just a crock KG! Part of growing up and an important part of life's experience...is casting aside those lovers who do not enhance our COMPLETE life, those who do not bring out our best. To give your love to someone who is bad for you...is completely your choice. It is frustrating after all he has said and not said to you...to know that you are still pondering WHY he will not admit to himself he is not happy. Having sex twice a week is not an issue. Obviously he wants sex from his wife, his complaint is that he must initiate. By his own words to you he is happily married. By his actions, he is unbelievably selfish. His only issue is guilt, over the affair OR because he doesnt love you. KG - You do not sound like you are loving yourself or your life right now. Your comfort level with crap has made you think this is LOVE. Love is better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KismetGirl Posted February 15, 2009 Author Share Posted February 15, 2009 Also.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUpsX7ihHdY and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxqSuTiq8E0 listen to the words..... Link to post Share on other sites
Die Hard Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Also.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUpsX7ihHdY and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxqSuTiq8E0 listen to the words.....God Kis, quit listening to such depressing stuff. Addicted made want to open an artery. Anyway I listened to both and even googled the lyrics, and I swear, I'm not trying to be unsympathetic, but this is what really came to mind. I also think this is where you need to find some way to get your head. It's not situation specific but you get my drift, particularly the last verse. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ms_9ya8G-Xw Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I don't want my physician to be addicted to poor behavior and drama. I want clear-headed and rational thinking when my body and mind is in need of professional help. Exactly what branch of medicine are you hoping to go into? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I must say I am disappointed. In another later thread it looked like he was walking away. Too bad he didnt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KismetGirl Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 I don't want my physician to be addicted to poor behavior and drama. I want clear-headed and rational thinking when my body and mind is in need of professional help. Exactly what branch of medicine are you hoping to go into? Lucky for you, Mr. Lucky, that my clear-headed-ness (not sure that's actually a word...) is always there when dealing with patients as I do on a daily basis at the moment. Don't get too tossed up over the songs I put up, when people are trying to get over heart break, they usually listen to pretty depressing songs. I dealt with a severe, suicidal crisis patient yesterday and I was the epitome of level-headed support and guidance. Even my supervising physician gave praise to the chief-physician on staff about me. Woooohoooo. So, sadly, my depressive self hides away until Im alone at home. Then I sit and loathe in self pity. Granted, it makes it hard to study when you're depressed, but I'll get through it. Been dealing with depression for ten years and have gotten like three bad grades in my life hey? Could be worse. And, not sure yet. Maybe psychiatry, maybe anaesthesiology, maybe OB-GYN (though the malpractice on that last one is rather absurd here in NY...like 250K a year! terrible. that's what you get in this law-suit happy country). Anyway. On to other things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KismetGirl Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 I must say I am disappointed. In another later thread it looked like he was walking away. Too bad he didnt. Later thread?? Walking away? Did I miss something? Haven't talked to MM in almost two weeks, if that's any condolence. He sent me an email and I've held back from calling though my fingers have been itchy to press send on my phone many a time. Baby steps, yes? Come on now, someone give me a little props here, three weeks ago I'd be writing him back lovey emails the second he writes me one. I spent today at my dad's place, am off to do laundry now, am making a study schedule for myself. I have bad days for sure....days when I feel like jumping off a cliff but I don't actually intend to jump off said cliff. Saw a movie the other day in which two of the scenes between one character and her married man-lover could have been a play-by-play from my own life. Felt like I wanted to cry leaving the theater, sat at home and ate ice cream and rattled on the phone with my girlfriend about how men suck for a few hours, and feeling much better today, I think. We'll see how this week goes....if he actually tries to just stop by my apartment I may have more difficulty in this ignoring him business....unless I just go to the library to study right after work, in which case he won't know where to find me. Sorry, just thinking out loud... Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 You started another thread about a week or two ago saying he said you shouldnt be in love with him etc. I guess I assumed too much in thinking it might be over. Not that we want to see you hurt, just that we want to see you out of this. It is just so bad for you. And you havent spoken in over a week? And yet thats OK with you? And you will keep seeing him? I dont get it I must not have been in a regular affair it must have been something very different. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I must not have been in a regular affair it must have been something very different. LOL! I tried to tell you that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KismetGirl Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 You started another thread about a week or two ago saying he said you shouldnt be in love with him etc. I guess I assumed too much in thinking it might be over. Not that we want to see you hurt, just that we want to see you out of this. It is just so bad for you. And you havent spoken in over a week? And yet thats OK with you? And you will keep seeing him? I dont get it I must not have been in a regular affair it must have been something very different. I haven't spoken to him in over a week on purpose. He tried calling and emailing and I didn't answer. I've been trying to think by keeping otherwise busy, seeing my family, etc. It's hard to understand what he says and does sometimes....yes he said something to the effect of how either of us feeling "love" was a bad idea, as if it was something inconvenient that had happened to us, because when we started this we tried so hard to keep it "casual", which obviously didnt work well. I think when he started this four years ago he had himself convinced he could just have a fling and not get attached. Sadly I convinced myself I could do the same thing. So we go back and forth, after four years i tell him i love him, he tells me it wasn't what he intended when he started all this. And then he keeps writing me mushy emails with little xx's at the end telling me he misses me. It's that emotional retardedness ....his inability to deal with how he feels about anything. So yeah, havent spoken to him in over a week. He seems confused by it as I never ignore him like this really....maybe I can keep ignoring him for the time being. *sigh* what's a "normal" affair, anyway.... Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 So he told you he loves you or are you inferring that from his statement below? After all this time, has he ever said I love you or does he dance around it? Are you sure when he says "us" he doesn't mean "you"? yes he said something to the effect of how either of us feeling "love" was a bad idea, as if it was something inconvenient that had happened to us, because when we started this we tried so hard to keep it "casual", which obviously didnt work well. Link to post Share on other sites
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