I told you he's always honest with me....

[Treasa]

Billie had it spot on, KG.

 

You haven't taken a single step to end your addiction. Not even the tiniest one.

 

So your defensiveness about ending the addiction doesn't truly hold a lot of water.

 

 

 

You're right...BS here.

 

But let's talk comparisons here for a moment...

 

Let's see...do I know what it's like to have someone I've loved...FOR 17 years at the time...stand in front of me and tell someone else that they love them, and can't wait to get to where they can live with them? Hmm...would seem a very comparable situation to me, ya know? To watch her prepare to throw away her life, her family...EVERYTHING...so that she could fly away to live out a fantasy with someone else?

 

How about spending the next several weeks sleeping on the loveseat in the living room, while she sleeps on the couch...because NEITHER of you can stand the thought of going upstairs to the bedroom?

 

And listening to her cry herself to sleep every night, sobbing over the loss of her affair with OM...listening to her blame YOU for that loss? Nursing her through her withdrawl at the end of the affair? Plan on seperating so that she can "find herself"...when you really realize that she's intending to leave you to go find HIM instead?

 

Don't think your pain is somehow unique. It's not. Neither was mine.

 

They're more similar than they are different. Which is why I've spent these last four plus years posting on this site, and helping others, JUST LIKE YOU...work through their pain as well.

 

Do I have any idea on "what it takes" to do what I've suggested to you? YES I DO. FAR MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER UNDERSTAND.

 

But the thing is this...you're not asking for help. You're not doing a single thing to fix your situation.

 

Instead, you're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, crying "Woe is me, I can't do anything about it"...when you know darned well that you CAN...you simply chose not to.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Pull up your big girl britches and act like a WOMAN, instead of some lovestruck teenager.

 

You HAVE control. You OWN your life, you OWN your own choices and decisions.

 

HE isn't forcing you into this. He isn't forcing you to be with him. He isn't making you have sex with him everytime he shows up. He's also not the one choosing to AVOID dealing with this.

 

YOU ARE.

 

Own your choice. Either do something about the situation, or quit crying about it.

 

I'm sorry...but the whole tearful crying thing only goes on for so long before someone needs to tell you the straight up truth on things.

 

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...OR ACCEPT IT.

 

And before you get too angry...realize that what I'm offering you here IS "support". It's the best kind of "support" you can get...it's learning to help yourself.

 

I'm in total agreement with everything you posted.

[Dexter Morgan]

he's cheating on his wife....ya, he's an honest man alright:rolleyes:

[KismetGirl]

he's cheating on his wife....ya, he's an honest man alright:rolleyes:

 

The opening line was meant to be ironic....

 

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine, who last week had confessed to me he'd had an affair with a mutual former married coworker for the whole time I was working there. He's 27 years old and had a heart attack last night and is in the hospital right now.

 

He's obviously depressed and thinking, and started rambling to me about how he's going to make sure he enjoys every second of whatever life he has left. He'd been so in love with this MW and used to stress about her all the time....and he was saying today he was just trying to focus on good memories of her and that's it. That he used to regret telling her he loved her even when she was reluctant to ever discuss emotional things but he does't regret it anymore. She's married with a small child so he's kind of in my boat with the whole MM/MW never leaving their spouse thing. In a weird way his situation is very similiar to mine, except, well, he's a guy with an MW and Im a chick with an MM.

 

Not that I have the same medical problems he has (diabetes, etc) but I find it depressing that despite seeing and hearing things like this I still stress myself out over this situation when other people obviously have it so much worse. I mean, I have my physical health....my mental health is another story I guess, but still.

 

I don't know why Im telling you this. I feel weird. Like an outside of my body feeling. I wish I could see into the future and know when I could just feel normal again....i've kind of forgotten what it's like.

[jj33]

Yeah dont do that. I spent a few hours at the hospital today making arrangements to have a million tests and procedures because Ive been sick for months. Luckily they think its probably caused by stress which lowers your immune system etc etc .... but its scary. And I know that the stress I put myself through in connection with the whole MM thing was what did it. And its not worth it.

[SerenityX2]

Kismet...

 

I'm a little bit lost when you say "see he's always honest with you" but when he tells you what you didn't want to hear you still want to hold on to that last thread and spin it that maybe he isn't deal with some issue or another.

 

I agree with whichever poster that said you are being your own worst enemy right now.

 

Is it possible for him to really love his wife and everything else is great but he's looking for awesome sex? Obviously the anwser is yes to that and painful as that is for you.

 

Kismet this isn't a guy that you'd honestly want to love you even if he would have said he did. He doesn't share that same definition as you do.

 

Regardless that you were agreeable to this set up of meeting up for sex. And after 4 years you were hoping that it was developing into so much more, you should still be insulted of his treatment of you.

 

You should be angry at his clear lack of respect, but down the line perhaps you'll see what we are saying that you will be grateful that he didn't feed you lines about being in love b/c that would have been more painful. Maybe that anger can fuel your decision to kick him the curb.

 

Staying heartbroken won't be the answer, he doesn't feel the same way.

 

I'm not sure what you want either. I know you said you're very stubborn, I've even called you on being in denial, the veil is lifted no more grand illusions.

 

As it's always been Kisment, the choice to end the pain is yours. Yes, it'll be painful for awhile, but eventually it will get easier, the sooner you start the earlier you can recover. Please don't prolong the pain.

 

I'm relieved for your sanity that you had the talk, I'm very sorry for your pain. Take good care of yourself.

[whichwayisup]

I wish I could see into the future and know when I could just feel normal again....i've kind of forgotten what it's like.

 

Kis, you have a choice to feel normal again. The MM isn't holding a gun to your head, telling you that you can't end it and walk away. The real problem now is you're letting fear and not knowing what pain is around the corner rule over what is best for you in the long run. Yes, you'll hurt and be crying alot if you break it off with him..BUT, the good thing is, you'll be starting to heal. It's final - It won't be an going thing of the affair dynamtic, that rollercoaster ride and daily up's/down's will be over.. THAT STUFF is ruining YOU, YOUR future, your studies and your upcoming career. All because you're too scared to walk away, afraid of saying goodbye and dealing with the reality of it ending.

 

The choice is yours so please don't act like you have no say in this..You do. This is YOUR life so take control and do something to better it.

 

My concern for you is, you don't want it to end and your frame of mind, being in the affairfog IS affecting the way you think/handle/process everything. This man has told you he isn't inlove with you, that he isn't leaving his wife. So what does that leave? Sex and feeling in his needs. That isn't love, that's not a relationship, it's an unhealthy dynamtic that hurts YOU and feeds the selfish side of him.

 

I hope this makes sense to you.

[jj33]

"So he tells me that he hates that he can't be faithful for some reason, and that Im the only one its been since he's been married. He says everything about his marriage is great except for their sex life, that that's the only part that "sucks, or is missing entirely". "

 

Kis did he say that?

 

If so that is very ery telling. He isnt just saying he has cheated on his wife. He said he isnt a faithful person but that since he has been married you have been his only A.

 

That says SO much about him. If this is a guy who hates that he cant be faithful, this problem predates his marriage (unless you were just paraphrasing and he didnt mean to indicate he was not faithful in general).

 

Also I reread your post. Maybe not worth asking if he is in love if he said its not what he is looking for. But definitely worth giving him a piece of your mind. Tell him whatever you feel you have to say.

 

I dont believe in this saving your dignity nonsense. Why hold in your hurt and your wrath? Who cares what he thinks? He hurt you, he broke your heart and if you have things you want to say to him, then you should if you think it will make you feel better. Whatever it is. Why should he walkl away not having to confront all the pain he has caused you. Let him feel badly or guilty. He should.

[KismetGirl]

"So he tells me that he hates that he can't be faithful for some reason, and that Im the only one its been since he's been married. He says everything about his marriage is great except for their sex life, that that's the only part that "sucks, or is missing entirely". "

 

Kis did he say that?

 

If so that is very ery telling. He isnt just saying he has cheated on his wife. He said he isnt a faithful person but that since he has been married you have been his only A.

 

That says SO much about him. If this is a guy who hates that he cant be faithful, this problem predates his marriage (unless you were just paraphrasing and he didnt mean to indicate he was not faithful in general).

 

Also I reread your post. Maybe not worth asking if he is in love if he said its not what he is looking for. But definitely worth giving him a piece of your mind. Tell him whatever you feel you have to say.

 

I dont believe in this saving your dignity nonsense. Why hold in your hurt and your wrath? Who cares what he thinks? He hurt you, he broke your heart and if you have things you want to say to him, then you should if you think it will make you feel better. Whatever it is. Why should he walkl away not having to confront all the pain he has caused you. Let him feel badly or guilty. He should.

 

Hey JJ

 

Yes he did say that; I wasn't paraphrasing. He said I am the only woman he has ever cheated on his wife with, and that he disliked the fact that for some reason he couldn't (he said "couldnt" not "wouldnt", which seems a lack of responsibility in his decision...but anyway...), that he couldn't stay faithful to her, and that he kept coming back to me. I'm not sure what this says about him....it's easy to think "well, he comes back to me because he cares about me" but if i go on what most people on here say its because im convenient and available as opposed to because I'm ME. I don't honestly think he would go looking for another OW if I were to leave, however. I think this A has been a weird experience for both of us...and anyway, he trusts me, and knows I won't go tell his W anything. I suspect he'd be wary of starting up with someone new that he doesn't know and doesn't know what to expect from.

 

Somewhere in me I want to believe that it isn't just sex , especially because, as I've said before, there wasn't any sex until about a year ago, there was just EA and some minor fooling around. He DOES get laid at home. I don't think his dissatisfaction with his marital sex life is frequency....i think it's lack of passion. From how he describes it, it appears his wife isn't very interested in having sex, ever, and that when she does she acts like its more out of duty to him, because he asked her to. It just seems to me like they are best friends raising a family together, so i do understand why he sees it as a successful marriage that is going well- i dont think they really argue, she's a good mom, they get along well, they love each other like you would love any family member, it's all good on the surface. I guess that always seemed sad to me....I hope I would never marry someone like that...but maybe im a hopeless romantic who believes that you can be best friends with someone and still be IN love with them and have passion and intimacy with them. It's not like they'd been married 20 years with 3 kids when this all started....they'd only been married a couple years with one small child at the time. And yes, his problems with his wife in this area, I suspect, long pre-date my entering the picture....he'd never cheated on her before, but when he'd get drunk on outings after work sometimes and we'd talk (before the A started), like I said, he'd often mention how he lamented a lack of "spark" or real intimacy. Alot of the time in the beginning he'd pull me into an office just to hug me and kiss me. He did that today, before anything else happened....just pulled me onto his lap, put his arms around me, put his head on my shoulder and just sat like that without a word for a good five to ten minutes, occasionally looking up at me to push my hair out of my eyes, smile, and kiss me. Moments like that, they just kill me, they really do.

 

He gets very upset with me when I say anything self-deprecating about myself (eg- when I tell him he'll forget about me as soon as he walks out the door, or that I've ruined his life, or that he doesn't care about me anyway, or asking him why he bothers with me). I become very sarcastic when I am uncomfortable or upset, and he generally hates when I imply he doesn't care that I exist.

 

I feel like I am hovering somewhere between depression and anger. Like I want to scream at him and yell at him and ask him WHY he does this. He's not stupid, surely he must know that no matter what front I put on about it not being a big deal, that when someone tells you they love you, that it's only going to get more in depth as time goes. That if your wife almost found out a couple times (he still brings up that incident with the strand of hair four years ago and how he's convinced his W still remembers that and suspects things sometimes) that she's sure to find out eventually....and yet, he still does it. I guess I have alot of "why why why" questions and I never seem to get a good answer for them. And that is frustrating.

 

I guess I have alot of pent up frustrations and I just don't know to properly express it to him so he will really understand the hurt I've gone through. I feel like I don't want this all to end without him really understanding what his actions have done. I feel like it isn't fair for him to be able to go back to his "perfect" supposed life without really knowing. If I am hurting, why can't he feel guilt over ME? I understand he feels guilty over what he does by lying to his family, but at the end of the day daddy and husband come home, and OW sits home alone upset. Doesn't he get that part? Or does he just not care? He's not some sociopath....he's been selfish but he's not an awful man. He can be very kind and sweet. I can just sort of start to see things....he shys away from conflict or convinces himself that things are ok the way they are, even if they are a little broken, because its easier than trying to fix it all. And that just isn't fair and I wish I could somehow make him realize it. Maybe that would help me to heal and get over it better, I dont know...

[jj33]

I thought you meant that he said he couldnt be faithful meaning that he had been unfaithful to women before he got married but that since marriage he was more faithful than ever - you were the only "lapse"

 

If he meant he wished he could be faithful but he keeps coming back to you whole different story. Sorry I know others disagree but I dont believe 4 years is about sex.

 

No way. You may be very talented. But 4 years? No. Doesnt mean he is leaving, doesnt mean you shouldnt walk and walk fast, but not for a minute would I say it is just about sex. You guys used to hang out together, go to ballgames etc didnt you?

 

No this was never just about sex. But it still doesnt mean you should stay. It can be more than sex and he can still be married to her when hes 90.

 

KG you cant MAKE him realise anything. But you can speak your piece and yell at him and get it out of your system. That may do you a world of good. This is no time to play the polite nice girl hiding her feelings... but thats just me.

[jwi71]

This is harsh. Perhaps brutal. It is also 100% true and I think you need to read this.

 

Its funny looking back over all your posts KG. How you believed that there was no spark, no love between them. That two of THEIR children were born out of some perverted sense of duty. That she was average, dull, frumpy, distant, frigid - she was fool and your MM was honorable by supporting the kids AND her. Its astounding how you dump on her - yet SHE sleeps in his bed, bares his children, cashes his paychecks, spends Christmas and vacations with him, and SHE is the one HE bends over backward to protect.

 

Who is the fool here?

 

This whole R is based on lies and it sucks being lied to. And your MM is lying to his W, his children and YOU. He lies to his W everyday - same with his children. He lies to YOU when he says "I don't know how to leave". He lies every time he tells you how bad it is at home. He lies when he characterizes his home life. Bullsh*t.

 

He PROVES it by...going home every night, having children and living his good life. Just like he told you. I wonder what lie or excuse you will tell yourself this time? Or what preposterous lie he will conjure up and you choose to believe. ACTIONS not WORDS. When will YOU figure it out? Don't tell me you know this - because you would see what he DOES - namely place you about last in his life's priorities.

 

You and your MM are liars. You lie to one another, you lie to yourself and anyone else you meet. This is why A's don't last. No honesty. No trust. No foundation to build a healthy R. It simply feeds an addiction/fantasy. And that's what YOU are doing. Feeding your own needs and his - and to hell with the W and kids. Don't tell me you aren't responsible for this cruelty towards her - another lie. YOU are 50% responsible. But you just keep lying to yourself and say you aren't - you just keep saying its all him. More Bullsh*t. More lies.

 

People make mistakes KG. I can sympathize with a WS and OM/OW who strays. My W did. A mistake. I would be far more understanding if you two had some stupid fling. A short term temporary lack of judgement. But that's not what this is. Four years? Excuse me but four effin' years is NOT a mistake. Its a character flaw. In him - and in YOU. He ISN'T some good guy who made a mistake and is working to change and make amends. He's a world class *********.

 

I do believe some marriages just don't work - there are a lot of reasons marriages don't work out. But even if that is the case, he isn't in the process of changing his life. He isn't communicating with his wife and taking the brave road here like a man. He's a lying cheating coward. And YOU enable him. You support and encourgae his behavior - and his family's pain.

 

 

You aren't a healthy happy person KG. You've let this become crushing and manipulating - you've let it ruin what little self esteem you have left, your happiness and quite possibly your dream of Med School. You have ceded your life to a manipulative, lying cheatin ********* whose only care is himself. And you've let it define you and direct YOUR future.

 

Its time to stop. Its 3 years, 11 months, 3 weeks and 6 days past due to end this.

 

There is NO EASY WAY OUT. You go NC. Its hard. Its hard because its the forced end of something wonderful. Except - just how has this been wonderful? Go back and re-read your posts KG. I fail to see it.

 

And if YOU can't go NC then you build a support group. You tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to your friends and family. Not just "most of it" KG - all of it.

 

And if you can't do that, then you tell this world class ********* that if he ever contacts you again, you will have an enlightening chat with ihs W and forward HER all those emails.

 

My wish for you is to find yourself. Find your self esteem, find your value not only to society but inner value. The value you place on you. You cannot have high value of yourself and ACT as you do - to have an A and being 5th or 6th or 7th best. See him for what he is and not the picture he paints.

 

Your life is in perpetual hold as long as you are involved with your MM. He is ruining your life, his and his familiy's life. End it.

 

Believe it or not, YOU are my concern. Find yourself KG.

 

Good luck.

[KismetGirl]

I thought you meant that he said he couldnt be faithful meaning that he had been unfaithful to women before he got married but that since marriage he was more faithful than ever - you were the only "lapse"

 

If he meant he wished he could be faithful but he keeps coming back to you whole different story. Sorry I know others disagree but I dont believe 4 years is about sex.

 

No way. You may be very talented. But 4 years? No. Doesnt mean he is leaving, doesnt mean you shouldnt walk and walk fast, but not for a minute would I say it is just about sex. You guys used to hang out together, go to ballgames etc didnt you?

 

No this was never just about sex. But it still doesnt mean you should stay. It can be more than sex and he can still be married to her when hes 90.

 

KG you cant MAKE him realise anything. But you can speak your piece and yell at him and get it out of your system. That may do you a world of good. This is no time to play the polite nice girl hiding her feelings... but thats just me.

 

Nah, I think he was a normal guy before he got married, you know, dated around, whatever, but then he moved over to this country, met his W, his visa was going to expire soon and he felt he was at an age where he should just settle down anyway, and she felt comfortable, so he got married. He'd been faithful until he met me, and I guess it all went downhill from there.

 

Yes I'd like to think I am the ultimate supreme sex goddess of the universe but it's just hard for me to imagine he stuck around three years, sneaking around to make out with me, hang out with me, go out with me, go to the ballgames, etc, just so he could finally get me in the sack. If that was his goal four years ago, then job well done, I guess. To be honest, despite having the wife and kids, I think sometimes he feels....lonely. I think that's why this started.

 

:::Shrug:::: but youre right, it doesnt mean anything. He's made his deicision for now. Whether that changes in the future doesnt matter, I guess, because it would be a horrible waste for me to wait around for that. Im 26.5 now but 30 looms close. He'll probably never leave her. The idea of divorce itself is horrific to him. But, I think, that at some point that I need chew him out. It might make me feel better. I always try to just be fun, light hearted, to just not stress out the limited time we have together...and its been a viscious circle where I become emotionally distraught and like this. I really need to say something to him. I just need to figure out what that is.

[jj33]

LOL thats the spirit. Chewing him out ALWAYS made me feel better. Always. And it took a few times of chewing him out and chewing him out every time he tried to weasel his way back in and then screwed around with my feelings. Hes been chewed out so badly it amazes me we still speak. But it was what I needed to do to preserve some little bit of sanity.

 

Just say whatever you feel. Cry scream. Call him a bas***d. Whatever it takes. This is for you. Not for him. It takes 2 to have an affair but that still doesnt mean that he doesnt deserve to be chewed out. Even if you say you are so hurt and so angry you dont know what to say it doesnt matter.

 

What matters is that you tell him. Text him and tell him what a *"&*"^ he is. Email him do whatever you need to do. What is frustrating is that you get this news and then he leaves and because you are not trying to make his marriage implode its not like you are going to call him tonite and yell at him.

 

You have to wait until tomorrow when he is at work. THEN you call and yell at him. F his work. So he loses his concentration. So he feels bad. Stop worrying about him. Worry about you.

 

He knows you are not a psycho. So you get upset. Youre not a stepford wife.

[KismetGirl]

This is harsh. Perhaps brutal. It is also 100% true and I think you need to read this.

 

Its funny looking back over all your posts KG. How you believed that there was no spark, no love between them. That two of THEIR children were born out of some perverted sense of duty. That she was average, dull, frumpy, distant, frigid - she was fool and your MM was honorable by supporting the kids AND her. Its astounding how you dump on her - yet SHE sleeps in his bed, bares his children, cashes his paychecks, spends Christmas and vacations with him, and SHE is the one HE bends over backward to protect.

 

Who is the fool here?

 

This whole R is based on lies and it sucks being lied to. And your MM is lying to his W, his children and YOU. He lies to his W everyday - same with his children. He lies to YOU when he says "I don't know how to leave". He lies every time he tells you how bad it is at home. He lies when he characterizes his home life. Bullsh*t.

 

He PROVES it by...going home every night, having children and living his good life. Just like he told you. I wonder what lie or excuse you will tell yourself this time? Or what preposterous lie he will conjure up and you choose to believe. ACTIONS not WORDS. When will YOU figure it out? Don't tell me you know this - because you would see what he DOES - namely place you about last in his life's priorities.

 

You and your MM are liars. You lie to one another, you lie to yourself and anyone else you meet. This is why A's don't last. No honesty. No trust. No foundation to build a healthy R. It simply feeds an addiction/fantasy. And that's what YOU are doing. Feeding your own needs and his - and to hell with the W and kids. Don't tell me you aren't responsible for this cruelty towards her - another lie. YOU are 50% responsible. But you just keep lying to yourself and say you aren't - you just keep saying its all him. More Bullsh*t. More lies.

 

People make mistakes KG. I can sympathize with a WS and OM/OW who strays. My W did. A mistake. I would be far more understanding if you two had some stupid fling. A short term temporary lack of judgement. But that's not what this is. Four years? Excuse me but four effin' years is NOT a mistake. Its a character flaw. In him - and in YOU. He ISN'T some good guy who made a mistake and is working to change and make amends. He's a world class *********.

 

I do believe some marriages just don't work - there are a lot of reasons marriages don't work out. But even if that is the case, he isn't in the process of changing his life. He isn't communicating with his wife and taking the brave road here like a man. He's a lying cheating coward. And YOU enable him. You support and encourgae his behavior - and his family's pain.

 

 

You aren't a healthy happy person KG. You've let this become crushing and manipulating - you've let it ruin what little self esteem you have left, your happiness and quite possibly your dream of Med School. You have ceded your life to a manipulative, lying cheatin ********* whose only care is himself. And you've let it define you and direct YOUR future.

 

Its time to stop. Its 3 years, 11 months, 3 weeks and 6 days past due to end this.

 

There is NO EASY WAY OUT. You go NC. Its hard. Its hard because its the forced end of something wonderful. Except - just how has this been wonderful? Go back and re-read your posts KG. I fail to see it.

 

And if YOU can't go NC then you build a support group. You tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to your friends and family. Not just "most of it" KG - all of it.

 

And if you can't do that, then you tell this world class ********* that if he ever contacts you again, you will have an enlightening chat with ihs W and forward HER all those emails.

 

My wish for you is to find yourself. Find your self esteem, find your value not only to society but inner value. The value you place on you. You cannot have high value of yourself and ACT as you do - to have an A and being 5th or 6th or 7th best. See him for what he is and not the picture he paints.

 

Your life is in perpetual hold as long as you are involved with your MM. He is ruining your life, his and his familiy's life. End it.

 

Believe it or not, YOU are my concern. Find yourself KG.

 

Good luck.

 

 

nah....I don't think you were that harsh. Someone called me a prostitute on here once. That was uncalled for. You're just being forthright.

 

I don't disagree with everything you've said. I think it's pretty natural for me to try to make rationalizations of things to make myself feel better. Better to tell myself he can't leave for x, y and z than he just doesn't give a sh*t about me after four years. And no,its not a mistake. A mistake is a one time thing....this is a very conscious decision on both our parts.

 

It's perhaps a weakness in me that I need to know why, why, why ,why why all the time. I hate not knowing why things happen. Saying "because he's a sh*thead", while perhaps accurate, is not really a reason.

 

I almost wish his W would just find out and end it for me. I imagine she would find out eventually...odd she hasn't yet, but then again, he has gotten more careful as time goes, and we don't hang out much anymore because he just doesn't go out much anymore with anyone since his last two kids came about. he used to go out quite a bit when it was just the one child, but not anymore, with good reason I suppose.

 

And no, youre right, Im not fully happy and healthy (mentally , anyway). He isn't the only stressor in my life, but he has a big effect on how I've been handling other things sometimes. But I'm afraid. Someone earlier said I was too afraid of the hurt around the corner and they are right , I am. I fear the permanence of NC. I feel like even when I've tried that before my mind was overwhelmingly consumed with him. Seeing his car parked near my apartment on my drive home cause he works around here. Hearing about him from mutual friends. But maybe I should take JJ's advice and just go nuts and yell and scream at him. He'll probably think I hate him , or freak out that ive gone mad and will tell his wife, and in either case would probably run off again.

[jj33]

What will scare him is how much he has hurt you because odds are you will start crying. The bottom line is hte hurt will come through. He wont think you hate him. He's more switched on than that I am sure.

 

And that is what may keep him away. Faced with how much he has hurt you, he may just retreat. Which would be a blessing.

[TOWinNYC]

If he meant he wished he could be faithful but he keeps coming back to you whole different story. Sorry I know others disagree but I dont believe 4 years is about sex.

 

No way. You may be very talented. But 4 years? No. Doesnt mean he is leaving, doesnt mean you shouldnt walk and walk fast, but not for a minute would I say it is just about sex. You guys used to hang out together, go to ballgames etc didnt you?

 

No this was never just about sex. But it still doesnt mean you should stay. It can be more than sex and he can still be married to her when hes 90.

 

I agree with you JJ - I AGREE!!! Anything longer than a couple of years is always more than just about sex.

 

But JJ has a point on the other things as well - just because it's more than sex doesn't mean you shouldn't consider the alternatives. And you wouldn't need to consider the alternatives is this situation wasn't making you unhappy.

 

KG, sorry you're having to deal with this.

[norajane]

My friend told me I should just be blunt with him and tell him to own up to his insecurities and figure out what was wrong with his life and fix it rather than keeping this crap up. He said to me, "you might be right but at the end of the day its about whether he is willing to have the balls to acknowledge that, and it doesn't sound like he does. personally I think you're right about him not really being as happy as he thinks, but if he doesnt acknowledge it what can you do?

Forget about him. You aren't his therapist. You can't make him see what you want him to see. You can't say anything that will make him change his life for you.

 

Think about yourself instead.

 

Your friend should have said to you:

 

"Kismet, just be blunt with yourself and own up to your insecurities and figure out what is wrong with your life and fix it rather than keeping this crap up. At the end of the day, it's about whether you are willing to have the balls to acknowledge how crappy you are making your life by staying in this affair, and whether you are willing to take responsibility for changing things, but it doesn't sound like you're willing to change anything. Personally, I think you're not at all happy with your choices, but if you don't acknowledge it and change anything, what can you do but be miserable?"

[boldjack]

What's happening to you, KG, is truly awful. To waste your love and time and desire on a man of no courage must be the worst kind of pain. On other posts with you I have talked "tough love" but now I think that you need to relax, try doing something to take your mind off your predicament,sooth yourself. Try to take the "edge" off the initial shock and sorrow. You will begin to think clearer and appreciate those things in your life that also have meaning. I'm Boldjack....... if I can help you........ I will God Bless

[boldjack]

I also will never say "I told you so".

[Owl]

So Kismet...does this mean that you're going to accept your role as his MW only, or does this mean that you're going to end the affair?

[Dexter Morgan]

So Kismet...does this mean that you're going to accept your role as his MW only, or does this mean that you're going to end the affair?

 

Can't remember her exact story, but "accept [her] role as his MW"??

 

Is Kismet married to??

 

If so, then why not just blow the whole thing up, bring the affair out in the open to both spouses, and get a frickin' divorce already??

 

The other spouses don't deserve this. But again, confused if KG is married or not after what you just asked.

[precious1357]

[quote name=KismetGirl

So there you go, guys, have fun thinking "i told you so". Have at it. Im going to go lay down again.[/quote]

 

Kismet:

 

Do the best you can with yourself. Its hard and know that you are not alone in your feelings...try to pray and ask God to help you, trust me He will....its hard...feel better.

[KismetGirl]

Can't remember her exact story, but "accept [her] role as his MW"??

 

Is Kismet married to??

 

If so, then why not just blow the whole thing up, bring the affair out in the open to both spouses, and get a frickin' divorce already??

 

The other spouses don't deserve this. But again, confused if KG is married or not after what you just asked.

 

no im not married. i think he meant "OW".

[Dexter Morgan]

no im not married. i think he meant "OW".

 

Ah, ok. Either way, he is a cheating d!cksmoke. If that is what you want, you are disrespecting yourself along with his wife.

[Owl]

Sorry about that...fat-fingered that...it was meant to be OW. I apologize for confusing things.

 

But...I'm still curious about the answer to my question.

[NoIDidn't]

There are some really great, heartfelt posts on this thread.

 

Even if Kismet isn't taking them into consideration, there is a lurker out there that is.

 

This thread should be proof to those that think that people like to bash the OW when they are down as no bashing has taken place (so far).

 

KG, hope you are doing something to take care of yourself. I know what its like thinking that your happiness lies in another person's assessment of you. But, like I said before, I'm sure you will work your way through this. You are an unbelievably strong person even in your defensiveness. You will make a great medical professional if you come through this on a positive note.