I told you he's always honest with me....

[KismetGirl]

The fact that he is having an affair has nothing to do with his wife, his marriage or you. He is missing something inside himself that he has made the choice to have an affair.

 

Many marriages have problems, but not all of them are solved by one or both spouses cheating. He is unable to deal with his own issues, so he looks for a fix and that fix is you. No different than drugs for an addict or alcohol for an alcoholic. Nothing will ever change until he is able to face his own issues and do the work to fix himself. You are just his enabler. JMO

 

So you think if Im not around he'll actually "fix" himself? I wasn't around for almost a year at one point, apparently not much changed except he added on another kid.

 

My friend says to me that he's just one of those peeople who's ok with things being broken, if its easier to just leave it broken than to make that big effort to fix it.

 

I want to beat him on the head with a large , blunt object. ugh.

[herenow]

So you think if Im not around he'll actually "fix" himself? I wasn't around for almost a year at one point, apparently not much changed except he added on another kid.

 

My friend says to me that he's just one of those peeople who's ok with things being broken, if its easier to just leave it broken than to make that big effort to fix it.

 

I want to beat him on the head with a large , blunt object. ugh.

 

No, I think that as with most addicts, he will probably have to hit bottom before he even considers that he has a problem to fix.

[whichwayisup]

You can only control yourself. You can't control him, his marriage or what he chooses to do.

 

KG, it seems you're not answering any of my posts to you so I figure maybe you've got me on ignore.

 

Good luck and I hope you find a new therapist to help you get on a better and healthier path for yourself.

[herenow]

If he has never felt any consequences to his actions, he has no reason to change. If the time comes that he is really at risk of losing something he loves or cares about, then he may realize that he has a problem and needs help. Then again, he may not and he will continue on with his way of life.

[Billie63]

Oy vey, calm! I don't want to be responsible for someone's myocardial infarction, calm calm my friend.

 

What I meant by "a problem between two people" is that there is obviously a lack of SOMETHING, passion, intimacy, whatever you want to point at, BETWEEN him and his W. .

 

There never was a spark. And it's just got worse. When he talks about the bad sex between them - quantity, quality, whatever, it's not going to get any better.

 

Kismet, you have to realise that you are helping this marriage to sustain itself, yes of course he's perfectly happy with the way things are, you're helping them stay together.

[whichwayisup]

When he talks about the bad sex between them - quantity, quality, whatever, it's not going to get any better

 

I don't recall him saying that the sex was bad, it just wasn't enough. He is still having sex with his wife.

[Chocolat]

He said himself she'll sleep with him once or twice a week if he asks, she just doesn't seem very interested in it. I don't get why he can't try to fix that , if that's the only thing wrong with their relationship.

 

1. Because he doesn't want to. To a certain kind of person, married sex is never going to be as exciting as illicit sex. His W has borne three children, he was probably there for the delivery, he's seen her in all sorts of un-glamorous situations, etc. For these reasons (and more), he may find sex with someone outside the marriage more exciting. He may have a madonna/whore complex.

 

2. Because he doesn't need to. He's got you and you are the perfect piece of side action. You make no demands, have no expectation that he will leave his W to be with you, and are stable (i.e., no worries that you will show up at his doorstep one day). He has a good thing going with you -- it's risky enough to be exciting but not so risky as to actually put him at risk. You're never too tired and you are likely always an eager partner. Yes, he has bouts of guilt or worry but he also appears to thrive on the excitement of it all.

 

It's a mistake to think that because he doesn't fix this "one thing" it means that there are more things but he just isn't telling you about them. Marriages go through highs and lows and, for many couples, the period when kids are young can be a low in terms of adult love/passion. Most of the energy -- mental, emotional and physical -- is put toward the kids. No, not in every marriage, but in many. That does not mean either partner wants to leave and most do not go outside the marriage for the missing spark. Your MM has chosen to do so but that is a function of his personality and ethics, not a reflection that his marriage is worse than any other. It's also not a reflection of his feelings for his wife. Many men (and women) believe they can compartmentalize people and feelings. So his W is the woman he loves and plans to build a life with. You are someone he is attracted to and with whom he explores his sexuality. Neither negates the other in his mind.

 

My friend told me I should just be blunt with him and tell him to own up to his insecurities and figure out what was wrong with his life and fix it rather than keeping this crap up. He said to me, "you might be right but at the end of the day its about whether he is willing to have the balls to acknowledge that, and it doesn't sound like he does. personally I think you're right about him not really being as happy as he thinks, but if he doesnt acknowledge it what can you do? I think you should chew him about his too simple interpretation of reality and then walk away for good. Easier said than done, I know. "

 

I wonder if i should say something....

 

To what end? Your friend is putting a spin on things designed to make you feel better -- that your MM is much more unhappy than he lets on. But the truth is that he is probably a lot happier than he lets on.

 

Either way, it doesn't matter. He is not unhappy with the status quo. That is all you need to know.

[jwi71]

OK, faculties recovered.

 

KG, I want you to do something for yourself.

 

I want you to grab a pen and a regular piece of paper.

 

On the top, write "My Affair....:

 

Then draw a line down the middle of the page, label one side "Benefits Me" and the other side "Hurts Me".

 

Start listing under each.

 

Its called a double scale and its a very simple form of a decision matrix.

 

Now as you list them I want you to do one other thing. And its hard. And painful.

 

For every item you list, ask yourself "Why" and "How".

 

For instance, if you list a benefit as "Makes me feel sexy" you would ask yourself "Why does the affair make me feel sexy?" and then "How does the Affair make me feel sexy?"

[KismetGirl]

You can only control yourself. You can't control him, his marriage or what he chooses to do.

 

KG, it seems you're not answering any of my posts to you so I figure maybe you've got me on ignore.

 

Good luck and I hope you find a new therapist to help you get on a better and healthier path for yourself.

 

no im not ignoring you, when i get an influx of posts i miss some of them, sorry! I only ignore people that call me names....there's only really been one person (signedin....whatever) and i asked the moderators to get rid of them or at least warn them, which i guess they did cause they no longer bug me.

 

anyway i know i can't control what he does.....reasonably no one can make ANYONE do anything. Doesn't seem to totally get rid of my stubbornes that I can make him "see the light" , whatever that is. I'm really trying to accept that I can't do that, though. Maybe if I dissapear he'll realize it on his own. I just suspect that it won't happen for a long, long time.

[herenow]

anyway i know i can't control what he does.....reasonably no one can make ANYONE do anything. Doesn't seem to totally get rid of my stubbornes that I can make him "see the light" , whatever that is. I'm really trying to accept that I can't do that, though. Maybe if I dissapear he'll realize it on his own. I just suspect that it won't happen for a long, long time.

 

Honey (and I never call anyone honey), you are the one that needs to "see the light". He isn't lying to you but something tells me you would be happier if he did. You want to believe that your affair is more than sex, and I can understand that. No one wants to feel used. But, this guy is being honest with you and it hurts. Now its time for you to be honest with yourself. Then at least the hurt won't be in vain.

[KismetGirl]

I don't recall him saying that the sex was bad, it just wasn't enough. He is still having sex with his wife.

 

No, at first he complained that it was really infrequent (like, every couple months, at best) AND he was frustrated by her disiniterest, which seemed to be more evident in the infrequency. After that period when I didnt see him for a year and he was supposedly "working" on his marriage, I guess he said something and she started sleeping with him more ofteh- now it's maybe once a week on average, maybe a little less, but more often than before. I think his chief complaint now is that it's more a quality issue, in that his wife is just not interested in it at all. She kind of seems to do it out of "duty" as a wife, but is blatant in the fact that she'd be just as happy just reading a book or going to sleep as she is in sex, or perhaps more so. She, I guess, is just one of those women to whom intimacy isn't very important part of a relationship. Some people are like that. His primary lament throughout every period I have known him, from day one, before our own A started, was "there's no spark between us". What I think he's missing the point in is that you can't create a spark with someone if it's never been there....

[jwi71]

Doesn't seem to totally get rid of my stubbornes that I can make him "see the light" , whatever that is.

 

What light?

What does he need to see?

 

This implies that YOU know something about him and his M that he does NOT.

What would that be?

 

That even though he says he's happy - he really isn't?

That life with you will be better than with his W?

 

What are you trying to get him to understand?

[serial muse]

anyway i know i can't control what he does.....reasonably no one can make ANYONE do anything. Doesn't seem to totally get rid of my stubbornes that I can make him "see the light" , whatever that is. I'm really trying to accept that I can't do that, though. Maybe if I dissapear he'll realize it on his own. I just suspect that it won't happen for a long, long time.

 

Yeah, but the thing is, KG, as I wrote in my epic post earlier in this thread, what you need to accept is not that you can't make him "see the light." It's that you don't really have any way to know what the "light" is in this case (meaning the truth), and you're not going to. He told you what he told you, plain as day, and you still don't believe him. Maybe you're right not to. But maybe you aren't. See? You have no way of knowing, so you spend all your time thinking of ways for him to be fooling himself.

 

You must see the irony there. You keep analyzing this thing to death, totally convinced that he's not seeing the "truth" that you're seeing. But that's arrogant of you, KG. You don't actually have any reason to believe that your truth is his truth, except that you really, really, really, really want it to be.

 

I know you don't want to do this, but at some point the only way out for you is to stop trying to convince yourself that he's lying to himself. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. But it doesn't matter. You can't control it and you can't overthink anything to change it. It is what it is, and what it is isn't what you want. If you spent half as much time convincing yourself that you're lying to yourself about him, then you'd already be over him. I know it's not that easy, but you need to see at some point that you're only hurting yourself with these false analyses.

[herenow]

No, at first he complained that it was really infrequent (like, every couple months, at best) AND he was frustrated by her disiniterest, which seemed to be more evident in the infrequency. After that period when I didnt see him for a year and he was supposedly "working" on his marriage, I guess he said something and she started sleeping with him more ofteh- now it's maybe once a week on average, maybe a little less, but more often than before. I think his chief complaint now is that it's more a quality issue, in that his wife is just not interested in it at all. She kind of seems to do it out of "duty" as a wife, but is blatant in the fact that she'd be just as happy just reading a book or going to sleep as she is in sex, or perhaps more so. She, I guess, is just one of those women to whom intimacy isn't very important part of a relationship. Some people are like that. His primary lament throughout every period I have known him, from day one, before our own A started, was "there's no spark between us". What I think he's missing the point in is that you can't create a spark with someone if it's never been there....

 

You can't say that it's never been there because you only see the side of him he wants you to see.

 

Just the fact that he is looking for a "spark" should tell you that (and I know I'm repeating myself) you are a fix, just like a drug.

 

This is probably one of the best threads I have seen in a while. Everyone here wants to help you. We are all trying to tell you to see the light. Listen to what this man is telling you and take if at face value. You have no idea how much money and time you will be saving on therapists if you would just take some of the advice here and use it. JMO

[KismetGirl]

There never was a spark. And it's just got worse. When he talks about the bad sex between them - quantity, quality, whatever, it's not going to get any better.

 

Kismet, you have to realise that you are helping this marriage to sustain itself, yes of course he's perfectly happy with the way things are, you're helping them stay together.

 

Agreed. And you know how FRUSTRATING this is? It's insane. *sigh* and tiring. I'm so tired of this and I want to give up and I'm afraid that next week will come and I'll probably hear from him and I'll go back to it.

 

Changing all my phone numbers and emails and stuff isn't really reasonable and way too much effort (not to mention the cost of breaking my mobile contract), but I think the contact issue is more in my control, I'm just not taking a stand on it. If I told him not to contact me, he woudln't....at least, i don't think he would. I've never told him that before so hard to tell, but I think if I told him to stay away he would. I think he might almost be relieved that I made the decision for him, seeing as how he generally comes back everytime HE'S the one to break it off. I guess it's just hurtful to think about it....

[KismetGirl]

Yeah, but the thing is, KG, as I wrote in my epic post earlier in this thread, what you need to accept is not that you can't make him "see the light." It's that you don't really have any way to know what the "light" is in this case (meaning the truth), and you're not going to. He told you what he told you, plain as day, and you still don't believe him. Maybe you're right not to. But maybe you aren't. See? You have no way of knowing, so you spend all your time thinking of ways for him to be fooling himself.

 

You must see the irony there. You keep analyzing this thing to death, totally convinced that he's not seeing the "truth" that you're seeing. But that's arrogant of you, KG. You don't actually have any reason to believe that your truth is his truth, except that you really, really, really, really want it to be.

 

I know you don't want to do this, but at some point the only way out for you is to stop trying to convince yourself that he's lying to himself. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. But it doesn't matter. You can't control it and you can't overthink anything to change it. It is what it is, and what it is isn't what you want. If you spent half as much time convincing yourself that you're lying to yourself about him, then you'd already be over him. I know it's not that easy, but you need to see at some point that you're only hurting yourself with these false analyses.

 

Yes, to say I overanalyze everything is a tremendous understatement, lol, that has always been a huge problem of mine. I always said my life would be easier if I was just a total moron....ignorance is bliss.

[KismetGirl]

What light?

What does he need to see?

 

This implies that YOU know something about him and his M that he does NOT.

What would that be?

 

That even though he says he's happy - he really isn't?

That life with you will be better than with his W?

 

What are you trying to get him to understand?

 

That he's being an idiot. That if he really loves his wife and is happy with her he wouldn't be cheating on her for four years. That if he really loves her that much he should be working on his marriage instead of running to me. That he's hurt me inconceivably over the last four years and that the only people he ever says he fears hurting are his family when they don't even know what's going on. That what he's doing isn't fair.

 

I don't know. Any of teh above. All of the above?

[serial muse]

No, at first he complained that it was really infrequent (like, every couple months, at best) AND he was frustrated by her disiniterest, which seemed to be more evident in the infrequency. After that period when I didnt see him for a year and he was supposedly "working" on his marriage, I guess he said something and she started sleeping with him more ofteh- now it's maybe once a week on average, maybe a little less, but more often than before. I think his chief complaint now is that it's more a quality issue, in that his wife is just not interested in it at all. She kind of seems to do it out of "duty" as a wife, but is blatant in the fact that she'd be just as happy just reading a book or going to sleep as she is in sex, or perhaps more so. She, I guess, is just one of those women to whom intimacy isn't very important part of a relationship. Some people are like that. His primary lament throughout every period I have known him, from day one, before our own A started, was "there's no spark between us". What I think he's missing the point in is that you can't create a spark with someone if it's never been there....

 

Argh. Here's what you KNOW:

 

1. He says they used to have sex more infrequently, but now have sex maybe once a week.

2. He complains about their sex life to you, including telling you "there's no spark."

 

Here's what you are GUESSING:

 

1. "She, I guess, is just one of those women to whom intimacy isn't very important part of a relationship. Some people are like that."

2. "She kind of seems to do it out of "duty" as a wife, but is blatant in the fact that she'd be just as happy just reading a book or going to sleep as she is in sex, or perhaps more so."

3. "What I think he's missing the point in is that you can't create a spark with someone if it's never been there."

 

Do you see how you're taking something that is not romantic - a man is talking smack about his wife to you - and turning it into a romance novel? He is not saying soft, romantic things to you when he tells you about his sex life with his wife, or lack thereof. I'm sure he's comparing you favorably, but that's not loving. You are the one who is adding the shades of meaning and love and softness to what is otherwise a fairly ordinary, if sordid, confidence.

 

This is not to say he doesn't care about you. I'm sure he does. This isn't about him using you, or anything like that. This is about you making up a story about him to suit your needs - you're using him, in a way. He's not a romantic hero, but you're trying to make him one by creating this backstory for him. You are taking all these little bits and pieces and trying to make them add up to something about his relationship with his wife that makes sense to you - and you simply don't have the information to be able to do that. All you have is what he gave you, and the way you want it to be. Add those things together, and you don't have truth.

 

I'll say it again - it is actually pretty arrogant for you to assume that you know him better than he knows himself. You only really know you.

[jj33]

KG - A MILLION apologies. I was so tired I missed the green card marriage bit.

 

This may be the worst worst advice ever given to someone who was hurting and about to throw MM under the bus but:

 

This is such new information. It doesnt make him an honest guy but the whole story makes so much more sense.

 

Walk tell him you are walking.

 

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you believe his marriage is a sham. That its not what he is looking for or he wouldnt keep coming back to you. But you cant be there anymore while he is married.

 

Tell him you cant have the drama while you are getting ready for med school but that you hope he will man up (in your own words of course) and look really deeply at the marriage and what he wants from his life.

 

Then you walk.

 

Lots of people get into those situations with the best of intent. He has passed the 2 year mark or whatever it is, so he can walk without losing his US status.

 

Bbut it makes more sense why he would feel that he cant divorce. While its no badge of honor to be a WS, its somehow far worse to be the guy who married for a green card and left his W with three young children once his immigration status was settled. He doesnt want to be THAT guy IMHO. He must feel like he owes her to a degree and that is why he beats himself up for being unfaithful. He must have made a deal with himself when he married, she is a good woman, we can be happy together, etc etc. I can stay in the US.

 

Lots of people marry the people they are dating when the immigration visa expires forcing forward the date of a wedding that might not otherwise happen.

 

It doesnt excuse the pain he put you through KG and it doesnt excuse his cheating but it makes a lot more sense.

 

Absolutely dont stay in the A, but it makes him less ugly as a potential partner if he left in my view.

 

Again this may be the worst advice ever posted but this is a far different situation than when we all through you were blinded by affair fog and the stress of work and school.

 

BUt one thing for sure. You cant stay OW. That is a lose lose for you as it only ensures the continuation of the roller coaster. Walk. If he follows in time and you think its still a match and he would be faithful to you, great. If he doesnt follow in time, you will have your sanity back.

 

No good comes of staying.

 

Big hugs

[herenow]

How to know if infidelity is attached to sexual addiction:

 

1. Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time.

 

2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of "being found out," the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect.

 

3. A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an "acting out" episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, "I won’t do it again." This will last...until the "urge" is acted upon again. The spouse may be aware or unaware (but sense that something is not "right") of the "roller coaster" and succession of broken promises.

 

4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed.

 

5. Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to "work that through" in a marriage or extramarital affairs.

 

6. Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their "addiction." They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a "dual" life.

[KismetGirl]

Argh. Here's what you KNOW:

 

1. He says they used to have sex more infrequently, but now have sex maybe once a week.

2. He complains about their sex life to you, including telling you "there's no spark."

 

Here's what you are GUESSING:

 

1. "She, I guess, is just one of those women to whom intimacy isn't very important part of a relationship. Some people are like that."

2. "She kind of seems to do it out of "duty" as a wife, but is blatant in the fact that she'd be just as happy just reading a book or going to sleep as she is in sex, or perhaps more so."

3. "What I think he's missing the point in is that you can't create a spark with someone if it's never been there."

 

Do you see how you're taking something that is not romantic - a man is talking smack about his wife to you - and turning it into a romance novel? He is not saying soft, romantic things to you when he tells you about his sex life with his wife, or lack thereof. I'm sure he's comparing you favorably, but that's not loving. You are the one who is adding the shades of meaning and love and softness to what is otherwise a fairly ordinary, if sordid, confidence.

 

This is not to say he doesn't care about you. I'm sure he does. But you are taking all these little bits and pieces and trying to make them add up to something about his relationship with his wife that makes sense to you - and you simply don't have the information to be able to do that. All you have is what he gave you, and the way you want it to be. Add those things together, and you don't have truth.

 

I'll say it again - it is actually pretty arrogant for you to assume that you know him better than he knows himself. You only really know you.

 

Out of the "guessing" segment above, he HAS told me #1 and 2, I didn't assume them on my own. Im not sure that makes a difference, but just thought I'd clarify.

 

The third one....well, if he knew that I probably woudln't be so frustrated right now.

 

And he doesnt really say anything else negative about her. In fact as I said he says they get along fabulously. ::shrug::: I get along fabulously with all my close guy friends too. I guess I should just marry one of them, even though Im not in love with any of them. They're all pretty comfortable to be around, they're good people, they'll make good dads. Seems to be the way to go. What the hell was I thinking....it's that stupid hopeless romantic in me....thinking a man and woman who get married should have actually been in love when they did. That way of thinking will be the bane of my existance.

[herenow]

KG - A MILLION apologies. I was so tired I missed the green card marriage bit.

 

Big hugs

 

jj33, this is what he supposedly told her and we really don't know the truth. I also think if this were true, he would be more likely to leave the marriage. But, he keeps having kids with his wife. And he tells KG that the only issue he has with his wife is sex. Something doesn't sound right. He may just be allowing KG to believe this because it works for him.

[KismetGirl]

jj33, this is what he supposedly told her and we really don't know the truth. I also think if this were true, he would be more likely to leave the marriage. But, he keeps having kids with his wife. And he tells KG that the only issue he has with his wife is sex. Something doesn't sound right. He may just be allowing KG to believe this because it works for him.

 

He didn't tell me that. I read his personnel file when we were working together. I had access to all of them when I worked there and my curiosity got the better of me. Unethical, whatever. It said in there during his initial interview that he had a working visa that expired on xx-xx-xxxx date. I know the month and year he got married. He told them at his interview he was getting married to an American, as companies are often hesitant to hire people just with working visas as it doesnt guarantee that after their visa expires they will be able to stay and work. I heard our old boss tell him on more than one occasion when she thought no one could hear them that if he screwed up she'd fire him and he'd be on the next plane back to the UK. I'm sure that pressure didn't help him. I maintain that he shouldn't have gotten married, but according to him, his W "felt like home" and he felt that was a good enough reason to settle down. If he would have told me, even ONCE, just tell me ONE TIME "I am in love with my wife" I would walk away, no questions asked. Not ONCE has he said this. he's said he's comfortable with her, that they get along, that she's a great mom, that their sex life sucks, that they are otherwise happy, that they don't argue, that he cares about her, that he loves his family "to death". All I need to hear one time is "Im in love with my wife" and that's it, I'd have such an easier time leaving. I don't know why he can't just say it.

 

Trust me, as I've said before....he may not say everything, but of the things he tells me he doesn't lie. He's not very good at lying to me. If he doesn't want to tell me something, he'd rather just avoid the topic altogether.

[jj33]

I hear you Herenow but thats where I disagree. Its not as if I know the man, but I cant believe that KG tho we dont know her know her would be so adamant about this without reason.

 

Before we didnt think there was ANY reason. But it makes sense to me that he is English. People in the US clearly cheat but in Europe its even more rampant and acceptable. Not acceptable but blindeyed.

 

He may be really guilty about the cheating but unable to face the idea that he would be a green card user.

 

Again I concede this may be the worst advice ever posted on LS and I dont like to lead anyone astray. But it seems far far different to me now.

 

I still think she should walk but the whole story makes much more sense to me. It may be a blindspot the same type that got me into an A in the first place.

[KismetGirl]

How to know if infidelity is attached to sexual addiction:

 

1. Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time.

 

2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of "being found out," the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect.

 

3. A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an "acting out" episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, "I won’t do it again." This will last...until the "urge" is acted upon again. The spouse may be aware or unaware (but sense that something is not "right") of the "roller coaster" and succession of broken promises.

 

4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed.

 

5. Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to "work that through" in a marriage or extramarital affairs.

 

6. Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their "addiction." They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a "dual" life.

 

Well now I don't know about sexual addiction. if that was the case, wouldn't he be screwing around with people other than me? Or, just make his life even easier and go see a prostitute or something? As they say, you pay them to leave at the end (and not to tell your wife, or ask you to hang out with them, or tell you they love you)