What have you kept hidden from your SO?

[mr.dream merchant]

We all know there's deep and possible dark secrets to each person out there. Things that you know will infuriate them as far as involvement with the opposite sex in your past. I've told my GF everything except for my threesome with two girls I knew from highschool because I know that would just turn her stomach to no end. My GF says she's told me everything, even suggested taking a lie detector test together just so that ship could sail but I'm sure there's at least one thing she's keeping hidden away and I accept that.

 

My question for you is:

 

What have you NOT told your current SO for the sake of their own confidence, self-esteem, security and perhaps protecting your own image?

[AlektraClementine]

My So and I are aware of most things in each others past. I know he had a 3some and he knows I had one. We don't talk about it extensively. And most discussions about our past took place earlier in the relationship. Not so much anymore.

 

There is one thing though, that he does not know about my past because I'm afraid of what he'll think of me. I hesitate to even bring it up here because I don't want to hear the backlash but here it is:

 

I participated in an affair with a married man for 1 year. It was a sex thing and I feel disgusting about it to this day. It wasn't something I had ever done before or will again. I got caught up in my own sexual needs and placed them above the needs of this man's wife. He said terrible things about their marriage and said unflattering things about her. Same story most OW get from MM. I finally ended it because I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like a different person entirely. To this day, all I can think about is her. How I decided what was best for her marriage. It was despicable.

[mr.dream merchant]

My So and I are aware of most things in each others past. I know he had a 3some and he knows I had one. We don't talk about it extensively. And most discussions about our past took place earlier in the relationship. Not so much anymore.

 

There is one thing though, that he does not know about my past because I'm afraid of what he'll think of me. I hesitate to even bring it up here because I don't want to hear the backlash but here it is:

 

I participated in an affair with a married man for 1 year. It was a sex thing and I feel disgusting about it to this day. It wasn't something I had ever done before or will again. I got caught up in my own sexual needs and placed them above the needs of this man's wife. He said terrible things about their marriage and said unflattering things about her. Same story most OW get from MM. I finally ended it because I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like a different person entirely. To this day, all I can think about is her. How I decided what was best for her marriage. It was despicable.

 

Damn thats some heavy weight on your back. You think you'll ever tell your man?

[Geishawhelk]

There is nothing - hand on heart - that I would willingly and deliberately keep from my partner.

But he's already told me that my past is my past, and he doesn't want - or need - to know.

We're together now, it's him and me, and that's all that matters.

 

There's tons I could tell him.

He just tells me he doesn't need to hear it.

[AlektraClementine]

Damn thats some heavy weight on your back. You think you'll ever tell your man?

 

Who knows? I'm sure he's got some secrets. I'd almost just prefer that we leave our past where it is. I'm glad we've reached a place in our relationship where we have stopped swapping stories. For a while there, it seemed (an this is early on) that we were talking like buddies, sharing badges of honor/dishonor. haha.

 

Now, we just don't talk about it. We talk about us.

 

But, there may come a time when this information may come out. I guess some would say that this is a case of omission = lying. I just don't see how it's relevant to us. I'd never actually lie about it though if he asked.

[mr.dream merchant]

I whole heartedly agree with both of you. The past is the past. I'd rather worry about my GF and I. I'm almost certain she knows there's wild stuff in my past, I was wild when I met her lol. She's calmed me down alot, and now that we're both faithful to each other we could care less about the past. Just wandering what people have to share. Its always interesting to see what people got locked up in their closet.

[samsungxoxo]

I got one LOL, I careless about him at this point and would dumb him for my game of checkers (well long distance and he isn't calling, fact he is sooo absent and distant so I assume we're not in a relationship no more). Fact if given the chance to meet others, hey why not. Now would I have to call him and tell him, why bother if I haven't heard from him for like 2-3 months now (I'm assuming it's over), LOL.

[Stockalone]

My question for you is:

 

What have you NOT told your current SO for the sake of their own confidence, self-esteem, security and perhaps protecting your own image?

 

As far is my sexual history is concerned, there is nothing that I didn't reveal. But there really isn't much to talk about anyway, certainly nothing I would feel uncomfortable sharing.

 

Concerning other things in my past, there is one thing that might qualify. As a soldier, I once considered murdering someone. But in the end, I didn't go through with it because it became clear that he wouldn't get away with what he had done. However, I would have done it if the only options would have been to either murder him or let him walk away unpunished. Since I didn't do it, I figured I don't need to reveal that information to a gf.

 

 

I've told my GF everything except for my threesome with two girls I knew from highschool because I know that would just turn her stomach to no end.

 

Is she under the impression that you have told her everything? What would you do if she asked you directly: Have you ever had a threesome?

 

Would you tell her the truth or not?

[mr.dream merchant]

As far is my sexual history is concerned, there is nothing that I didn't reveal. But there really isn't much to talk about anyway, certainly nothing I would feel uncomfortable sharing.

 

Concerning other things in my past, there is one thing that might qualify. As a soldier, I once considered murdering someone. But in the end, I didn't go through with it because it became clear that he wouldn't get away with what he had done. However, I would have done it if the only options would have been to either murder him or let him walk away unpunished. Since I didn't do it, I figured I don't need to reveal that information to a gf.

 

 

 

 

Is she under the impression that you have told her everything? What would you do if she asked you directly: Have you ever had a threesome?

 

Would you tell her the truth or not?

 

I'd tell her but she's already figured I did some wild and crazy things when I was single. She even said it herself, my sexual past does not matter to her and she doesn't want to know.

[AAlike]

Personally I think that it's a judgement call, but I see no purpose to discussing high school stuff in the context of an adult relationship.

 

As has been proven time and time again in these threads, talking about past sexploits in a "truth or dare" like manner with an SO can really be playing with fire unnecessarily, because it causes them to take those isolated exploits that were never entering your mind except in these types of discussions, and view them within the context of your loving relationship - NEVER a good thing.

 

Ladies, you may THINK that you're telling your boyfriend "I remember I gave some guy a drunken handjob once at a party for thirty seconds when I was 18" but he may very well be hearing "I was an enormous whore before I met you, and there are probably a couple of guys high-fiving each other about me right now", or "I used to be crazy and spontaneous sexually before you, now I'll do it if you can pry me away from Desparate Housewives."

 

Guys, "I remember once going home with some chick just cause I was drunk and she had a big rack" is often translated as "man, I wish your chest was bigger, I can barely maintain interest in you with those goosebumps you call breasts" or "my little black book makes War and Peace look like cliff notes."

 

So you telling your GF "I had a threesome once when I was young and horny and it really wasn't a big deal" very well might be the equivalent of saying "I had a full-on porn career before I met you" or "well, at least you satisfy me as much as ONE woman can, which is not much at all!"

 

I mean, what would telling her about your high school threesome do? Is it indicative of a side of your personality that she's unaware of, or a sexual voraciousness that you keep hidden from her? Or is it something that is completely insignificant to you but will most likely be sensationalized by her? If it's the former, you should tell, if it's the latter, you shouldn't.

 

As for what to do if she asks, well, I wouldn't recommend lying...but I might recommend trying to convince her that the detective work that she's trying to do is pointless. Really, if they're asking such questions at all, you're probably doomed no matter what happens.

[voldigicam]

AAlike - that is a very astute and clever way of looking at things. I like it. Certainly what my SO hears isn't what I said much of the time.

 

What I won't tell her? Mostly I cushion her from quite realizing how much brain damage she has. Was in an accident about 18 months ago. She's figuring it out - keeps running out of gas. Other things at work.

 

The big problem with that is first the depression, then the drugs to counter the depression. She has absolutely no sex drive left. I've been tempted to visit an escort, but that's really unlikely to happen. I did have an encounter with a 20 year old college student. That's 34 years younger. We didn't kiss or anything, but she performed for me and I "fondled" - that's a light description - her. Seems as if it was a different person doing all that! Scratched some kind of deep itch. And I don't seem to have developed a "romantic" attachment to this individual. Or vice versa. That seems the dangerous part - developing a romantic attachment.

 

Given my SO's lack of interest, I've thought about talking to her about a "free day" every couple of weeks. With a don't ask/don't tell component. I don't think she'd go for it. But getting her up to having sex is such a chore that I don't feel like it anymore. It's not that I'm speedy; things used to be fine before. She'll also flop into a bait and switch. Flirt for the afternoon at work, then have a heavy Scotch and go to bed alone when we get home. Not fair!!!